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#41 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 27 May 2018 - 08:00 PM

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen. Nice hook.

 

When Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is a hard game to play when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life.

 

It’s then Genny realizes she and Leo hear the same voices, and uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity. Powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs once populated the earth until a terrible mistake severed the connection, imprisoning the Guardians in painful limbo. Genny, the first person in two millennia to see them, soon learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. But after her “gift” to one classmate breaks his mind and shatters his free will, she discovers the awful price to be paid for the creatures creatures'? return. Not everyone will be safely reconnected to their Guardians.

 

Soon, Genny is smothered in others’ expectations of her. Zxix wants her to deliver him to his ancestral homeland, where he can restore his people to Earth and reignite humanity’s long lost magic. Leo wants her to help him stop the Guardians, and kill the voices forever. It seems like a no brainer to me to go with the Guardians.  Okay, some can't bond, but it's either helping a whole race or helping out one guy. Also, I totally forgot about Leo until here. I took a peek up earlier when you were doing the poll with the two versions, and the stuff with Leo's growing power in both of those were awesome, especially version B.  If you could work some of that into the stakes, I think this query would rock, because right now I don't really see Leo as a threat. As Genny struggles with the weight of a decision so much larger than herself, only one thing is clear. Whatever she chooses, there will be casualties.



#42 Heliagrey

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Posted 28 May 2018 - 11:17 AM

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen. Nice hook.

 

When Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is a hard game to play when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life.

 

It’s then Genny realizes she and Leo hear the same voices, and uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity. Powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs once populated the earth until a terrible mistake severed the connection, imprisoning the Guardians in painful limbo. Genny, the first person in two millennia to see them, soon learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. But after her “gift” to one classmate breaks his mind and shatters his free will, she discovers the awful price to be paid for the creatures creatures'? return. Not everyone will be safely reconnected to their Guardians.

 

Soon, Genny is smothered in others’ expectations of her. Zxix wants her to deliver him to his ancestral homeland, where he can restore his people to Earth and reignite humanity’s long lost magic. Leo wants her to help him stop the Guardians, and kill the voices forever. It seems like a no brainer to me to go with the Guardians.  Okay, some can't bond, but it's either helping a whole race or helping out one guy. Also, I totally forgot about Leo until here. I took a peek up earlier when you were doing the poll with the two versions, and the stuff with Leo's growing power in both of those were awesome, especially version B.  If you could work some of that into the stakes, I think this query would rock, because right now I don't really see Leo as a threat. As Genny struggles with the weight of a decision so much larger than herself, only one thing is clear. Whatever she chooses, there will be casualties.

 

<3 Thanks for the suggestion- I can see how the 'no brainer' stuff would happen- apparently what I said about the 'not all can be safely bonded' wasn't clear. It's not that some of them can't be reconnected, it's that the chunk of the population that can't be safely connected- the human half of the pair will have their minds destroyed. So the dilemma is- either doom all the Guardians to eternal captivity, or free them, give humanity their magic back, but a swatch of the human population is destroyed in the process.

 

I haven't found a way to say it with the right dramatic oomph- mainly because of those words describing the chunk of people who will be casualties. Chunk? Ew. Swatch? Double ew.

 

Any suggestions? ;) 



#43 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 28 May 2018 - 11:31 AM

<3 Thanks for the suggestion- I can see how the 'no brainer' stuff would happen- apparently what I said about the 'not all can be safely bonded' wasn't clear. It's not that some of them can't be reconnected, it's that the chunk of the population that can't be safely connected- the human half of the pair will have their minds destroyed. So the dilemma is- either doom all the Guardians to eternal captivity, or free them, give humanity their magic back, but a swatch of the human population is destroyed in the process.

 

I haven't found a way to say it with the right dramatic oomph- mainly because of those words describing the chunk of people who will be casualties. Chunk? Ew. Swatch? Double ew.

 

Any suggestions? ;) 

 

Is it a certain fraction of the population? Like one-third, one-half? Saying something like "one half of the population will have their minds destroyed if they're bonded" certainly sounds dramatic. Because I did understand the part about "not all being safely bonded" but I think if you gave a concrete number, it would pack more oomph.



#44 W.P.

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Posted 28 May 2018 - 02:22 PM


Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen. ((great hook))

 

When Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is a hard game to play when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, ((infamous for what? I suggest being specific here. is he bullied? avoided? called names? known as "crazy"? this will help create tension))) a classmate tormented by voices all his life.  

 

It’s then Genny realizes she and Leo hear the same voices, and uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity. Powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs once populated the earth until a terrible mistake severed the connection, imprisoning the Guardians in painful limbo. Genny, the first person in two millennia to see them, soon learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. But after her “gift” to one classmate breaks his mind and shatters his free will, she discovers the awful price to be paid for the creatures' return. Not everyone will be safely reconnected to their Guardians. ((this is telling us what you already show perfectly well with the entire paragraph.))

 

Soon, Genny is smothered in others’ expectations of her. ((I feel like this could be worded in a way that is stronger and has more impact)) Zxix wants her to deliver him to his ancestral homeland, where he can restore his people to Earth and reignite humanity’s long lost magic. Leo wants her to help him stop the Guardians, and kill the voices forever. As Genny struggles with the weight of a decision so much larger than herself, only one thing is clear. Whatever she chooses, there will be casualties  ((since this is a bit vague, it doesn't have as much punch as it should. Giving us clear, specific consequences will help up the tension))).

 

 

The query has improved quite a lot since the last time I saw it. Great job. :) I pointed a few things in line that I think could be improved. I hope it helps. :D

 

 

If you have the time, could you take a look at my newest revision? http://agentquerycon...-fantasy/page-3



#45 JasperHines

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Posted 30 May 2018 - 08:59 AM

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

When Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is a hard game to play when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life.

 

It’s then Genny realizes she and Leo hear the same voices, and uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity. Powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs once populated the earth until a terrible mistake severed the connection, imprisoning the Guardians in painful limbo. Genny, the first person in two millennia to see them, soon learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. But after her “gift” to one classmate breaks his mind and shatters his free will, she discovers the awful price to be paid for the creatures return. Not everyone will be safely reconnected to their Guardians. (Is knowing the history of the guardians essential to someone understanding the stakes of your plot? If not you may want to either shorten or cut this part as it begins to muddle the query)

 

Soon, Genny is smothered in others’ expectations of her. Zxix wants her to deliver him to his ancestral homeland, where he can restore his people to Earth and reignite humanity’s long lost magic. Leo wants her to kill the voices forever, whatever the cost to the Guardians. As Genny struggles with the weight of a decision so much larger than herself, only one thing is clear. Whatever she chooses, there will be casualties.

 

I feel like  you start off really strong but by the end of the second paragraph things begin to get muddled and lost in a way that almost makes the query begin to feel more like a synopsis and less like a query. And I'm not sure I really feel the intensity of the stakes. I know you say "there will be casualties" but honestly it doesn't really deliver that gut punch that we're all looking for to make us want to read more. I feel like maybe part of the problem is that we lose sight of the real plot and it feels like you tossed in the two main conflicts at the end. Try and somehow marry the introduction of your characters (zxix and leo) with their desires and needs from Genny as i think that'll help to keep the query more focused and linear. Your story sounds interesting the query just needs some tightening around the middle and that gut punch at the end. Hope this helps :)



#46 Heliagrey

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Posted 30 May 2018 - 01:08 PM

 

Imaginary friends may be fun when you’re eight, but as Genny Engalls discovers, they’re problematic when you’re seventeen.

 

When Zxix, the foul-mouthed, dragon-like creature from Genny’s childhood reappears and demands her help, the reunion isn’t a welcome one. Genny wants to fly under the radar at her new school, but incognito is a hard game to play when you’re losing your grip on reality. Soon she’s as infamous as Leo Ward, a classmate tormented by voices all his life.

 

It’s then Genny realizes she and Leo hear the same voices, and uncovers the true nature of her not-so-imaginary friend. Zxix is a Guardian, a race of beings once symbiotic with humanity. Powerful, magic-wielding tribes of human-Guardian pairs once populated the earth until a terrible mistake severed the connection, imprisoning the Guardians in painful limbo. Genny, the first person in two millennia to see them, soon learns how to extend her Guardian sight to those around her. But after her “gift” to one classmate breaks his mind and shatters his free will, she discovers the awful price to be paid for the creatures return. Not everyone will be safely reconnected to their Guardians. (Is knowing the history of the guardians essential to someone understanding the stakes of your plot? If not you may want to either shorten or cut this part as it begins to muddle the query)

 

Soon, Genny is smothered in others’ expectations of her. Zxix wants her to deliver him to his ancestral homeland, where he can restore his people to Earth and reignite humanity’s long lost magic. Leo wants her to kill the voices forever, whatever the cost to the Guardians. As Genny struggles with the weight of a decision so much larger than herself, only one thing is clear. Whatever she chooses, there will be casualties.

 

I feel like  you start off really strong but by the end of the second paragraph things begin to get muddled and lost in a way that almost makes the query begin to feel more like a synopsis and less like a query. And I'm not sure I really feel the intensity of the stakes. I know you say "there will be casualties" but honestly it doesn't really deliver that gut punch that we're all looking for to make us want to read more. I feel like maybe part of the problem is that we lose sight of the real plot and it feels like you tossed in the two main conflicts at the end. Try and somehow marry the introduction of your characters (zxix and leo) with their desires and needs from Genny as i think that'll help to keep the query more focused and linear. Your story sounds interesting the query just needs some tightening around the middle and that gut punch at the end. Hope this helps :)

 

Thank you, it certainly does help. *sigh * I've been feeling that, too- that the beginning works, but the ending's off the rails. You've given some solid advice, and it's encouraged me to lean into something I've been avoiding- which is mentioning a/the main conflict that sounds very... cliche, for the genre. I've been avoiding it because, divorced of detail, it does reek of cliche, but in the context of the story is more nuanced. Maybe I should just embrace it, declutter the query, and hope that the agents reading will see past the rote nature of it.

 

Thanks! Off to edit.



#47 MICRONESIA

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Posted 30 May 2018 - 01:17 PM

It's probably not nearly as bad as you think, haha. But when a writer's instinct is to declutter, it's almost always for the best. Good luck!



#48 AsperBlurry

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Posted 01 June 2018 - 10:40 AM

Good luck :)






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