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Love, Literary Fiction: Updated query post 48


Best Answer smithgirl , 13 May 2018 - 04:16 PM

Thank you for everyone who helped. I'm closing this out for a while.

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#21 smithgirl

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 05:39 PM

By the way, somebody above said this is a middle grade novel, Smithgirl. Is that true?

 

I didn't know that. If so, I would consider making it a Young Adult book.

 

It sounds very adultish. :)

 

 

Ha! Yes! Henry is only six! Surprise! :-) No, the person was referring to the writing style, but not the content. 

 

Henry is forty. Some miscommunication I guess.



#22 smithgirl

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Posted 05 May 2018 - 02:16 PM

Dear [Agent Name]:

 

 

When Henry meets his lover’s ex-girlfriend at a club, he makes the biggest mistake of his life: He sleeps with her.

 

For two decades Henry’s been coupled to Jack in his soul. The two love each other as they’ve never loved anyone else. Even so, their relationship stays open as Jack struggles with the aftermath of a breakup from college with the very same ex-girlfriend, Althea.

 

So when Henry meets her that night he takes a shortsighted goal—draw from her the breakup story Jack won’t tell. Henry thinks if he just sleeps with this woman she will pillow talk the secret and then, finally, he can spare Jack the unbearable task of revealing it, himself.

 

But soon Henry learns it was no coincidence Althea was at the club. As desperate as he is to learn the secret from Althea, she is equally desperate to reclaim Jack for herself. She begs Henry to broker a reunion. He refuses but she steal’s Jack’s number from his phone, and when her call reveals Henry’s role in the affair the unimaginable happens: Jack leaves him.

 

Henry’s life collides, horribly, with this unimaginable loss. He stops eating, going to clubs. He stops wanting sex with anyone except Althea. Drawn to each other by their shared loss of Jack, they embark on an abusive, mutually caustic relationship. Their malignant trysts erode Henry’s physical health and push him toward a breakdown. From a mutual friend, Henry knows that Jack is doing just as badly. They need each other to escape this spiral; the question is whether they can reconnect in time to make that happen.

 

 Love is a 100,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.



#23 conundrum

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Posted 05 May 2018 - 04:57 PM

Dear [Agent Name]:

 

 

When Henry meets his lover’s ex-girlfriend at a club, he makes the biggest mistake of his life: He sleeps with her. (like the hook)

 

For two decades Henry’s been coupled to Jack in his soul. The two love each other as they’ve never loved anyone else. Even so, their relationship stays open as Jack struggles with the aftermath of a breakup from college with the very same ex-girlfriend, Althea.

 

So when Henry meets her that fateful night he (takes a shortsighted goal) this reads a little awkward/makes a bad decision/maybe?—draw from her the breakup story Jack won’t tell. Henry thinks if he just sleeps with this woman she will pillow talk will disclose the secret and then, finally, he can spare Jack the unbearable task of revealing it, himself.

 

But soon Henry learns it was no coincidence Althea was at the club. As desperate as he is to learn the secret from Althea, she is equally desperate to reclaim Jack for herself. She begs Henry to broken (broker) ? a reunion. He refuses but she steal’s Jack’s number from his phone, and when her call reveals Henry’s role in the affair the unimaginable happens: Jack leaves him.

 

Henry’s life collides, horribly, with this unimaginable loss. He stops eating, going to clubs. He stops wanting sex with anyone except Althea. Drawn to each other by their shared loss of Jack, they embark on an abusive, mutually caustic relationship. Their malignant trysts erode Henry’s physical health and push him toward a breakdown. From a mutual friend, Henry knows that Jack is doing handling it just as badlyThey need each other to escape this spiral; the question is whether they can reconnect in time to make that happen.

 

 Love is a 100,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.

Hi smithgirl, you're really amping it up! I like this version much better. I only made come critiques were felt warranted, but all in all, great job. I read your synopsis so I'm not lost on the backstory details :)

 

When you have the time can you look at my #3 revision, I based most of my changes on your critiques, and would like to know what you think. Be honest :) I'd really appreciate it. Thank you!



#24 RoseGlacier

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Posted 05 May 2018 - 08:56 PM

Thanks for your help with my query! Here are some comments. I think you're on a good track with this, overall. Hell yes to bisexual main characters. It's so refreshing to see that in a male MC.

 

Dear [Agent Name]:

 

 

When Henry meets his lover’s ex-girlfriend at a club, he makes the biggest mistake of his life: He sleeps with her. I also like the hook.

 

For two decades, Henry’s been coupled to Jack in his soul. The two love each other as they’ve never loved anyone else. Even so, their relationship stays open as Jack struggles with the aftermath of a breakup from college with the very same ex-girlfriend, Althea. These sentences flow a little awkwardly for me. Is the aftermath of Jack's college breakup related to their decision to stay open, or are you suggesting that there's a tension in their relationship due to either of these circumstances?

 

So when Henry meets her that night he takes a shortsighted goal  (this is also awkward - he makes a foolish gamble against his own emotions?—draw from her the breakup story Jack won’t tell. Henry thinks if he just sleeps with this woman, she will (she'll - the lack of a contraction feels unnecessarily formal here for the tone of the story) pillow talk the secret and then, finally, he can spare Jack the unbearable task of revealing it, himself. (I find myself wishing there was an extra sentence in here somewhere that explains why Henry is so convinced there's a secret beneath their breakup. Sometimes people just have a hard time getting over heartbreak for a long time.)

 

But soon Henry learns it was no coincidence Althea was at the club. (I'd reword this slightly, like - 'But soon Henry learns Althea's presence at the club was no coincidence.') As desperate as he is to learn the secret ("the secret" is repeated kind of frequently in just a few sentences) from Althea, she's equally desperate to reclaim Jack for herself. She begs Henry to broker a reunion. He refuses, but she won't take no for an answer. She steal’s Jack’s number from his phone, and when her call reveals Henry’s role in the affair the unimaginable happens: Jack leaves him.

 

Henry’s life collides, horribly, with this unimaginable loss. I think you could make this sentence more dramatic by leaving out 'horribly,' plus the word 'collides' doesn't seem quite right in the context. Henry hits rock bottom? Henry hardly recognizes himself? He stops eating and going to clubs. He stops wanting sex with anyone except Althea. Drawn to each other by their shared loss of Jack, they embark on an abusive, mutually caustic relationship. Their malignant trysts erode Henry’s physical health and push him toward a breakdown. From a mutual friend, Henry knows learns that Jack is doing just as badly. They need each other to escape this spiral; the question is whether they can reconnect in time to make that happen.

 

 Love is a 100,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.



#25 Tanja

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 01:00 AM

Thank you for your feedback on my query. I'm happy to have a look at your latest version. I can see the other one is crossed out, so I assume you're planning to post another one soon. I'll check back in then. I really liked what I read so far. Looking forward to reading the new version


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#26 smithgirl

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 11:02 AM

Dear [Agent Name]:

 

When Henry meets his lover’s ex-girlfriend at a club, he makes the biggest mistake of his life: He sleeps with her.

 

For two decades, Henry and Jack have loved each other as they’ve never loved anyone else. Even so, Jack can’t commit because he’s too emotionally damaged from the secret of what happened years ago between him and his ex-girlfriend, Althea. So when Henry meets Althea he makes a foolish decision. He thinks if he just sleeps with this woman she'll pillow talk the secret and he’ll learn it for himself. Then finally Jack will be spared the onus of disclosing a story he can’t bear to tell.

 

But soon Henry learns Althea’s presence at the club was no coincidence. As desperate as he is to learn the big mystery from Althea, she is equally desperate to reclaim Jack for herself. She begs Henry to broker a reunion. He refuses but Althea won’t take no for an answer. She steal’s Jack’s number from his phone and her call reveals Henry’s role in the affair. Then the unimaginable happens, and Jack leaves him.

 

Henry, his life always so effortless and satisfying, shatters at this inconceivable loss. He stops eating and going to clubs. He detests Althea but also craves her. Drawn to each other by their shared loss of Jack, they embark on an abusive, mutually hateful relationship. Their malignant trysts erode Henry’s physical health and push him toward a breakdown. From a mutual friend, Henry learns that Jack is doing just as badly. They need each other to escape this spiral; the question is whether they can reconnect in time to make that happen.

 

LOVE is a 100,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.



#27 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 02:31 PM

Dear [Agent Name]:

 

When Henry meets his lover’s ex-girlfriend at a club, he makes the biggest mistake of his life: He should the he be capatalized here? sleeps with her. Ooh, nice hook.

 

For two decades, Henry’s been coupled to Jack in his soul I keep wanting to read this as "Henry has been coupled to Jack's soul". The two love each other as they’ve never loved anyone else. Even so, Jack can’t commit because he’s too emotionally damaged from the secret of what happened years ago between him and the very same ex-girlfriend you could just say "his ex-girlfriend" since in the next paragraph, you lead us back to the hook, Althea.

 

So when Henry meets Althea he makes a foolish decision. He thinks if he just sleeps with this woman she’ll pillow talk the secret and then, finally, he can spare Jack the unbearable task of revealing it, himself. This last bit reads a bit awkward, and the commas are throwing me.

 

But soon Henry learns Althea’s presence at the club was no coincidence. As desperate as he is to learn the big mystery from Althea, she is equally desperate to reclaim Jack for herself. She begs Henry to broker a reunion. He refuses but Althea won’t take not for an answer. She steal’s Jack’s number from his phone and when her call reveals Henry’s role in the affair the unimaginable happens: Jack leaves him. Small thing, but you already use a colon once in the query. I like to this of these as nice things to sprinkle on top of your writing and too many ruin it.  But I also like how  you set them up both times. So.

 

Henry’s life could you just say "Henry"?, always so happy I wonder if there's a better word to just than just plain, simple "happy". I kind of picture him like a golden retreiver here., shatters at this inconceivable loss. He stops eating and going to clubs. He stops wanting sex with anyone except Althea. Drawn to each other by their shared loss of Jack, they embark on an abusive, mutually hateful relationship. Their malignant trysts erode Henry’s physical health and push him toward a breakdown. From a mutual friend, Henry learns that Jack is doing just as badly. They need each other to escape this spiral; the question is whether they can reconnect in time to make that happen.

 

LOVE is a 100,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.

 

I like the tone of this very much.  Definitely won't be mistaken as middle grade now :)  My crituques were just little nit-picks throughout. 



#28 Tanja

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 12:36 AM

Hi

 

Just a couple of suggestions. I haven't read any previous comments so if I point out stuff that's already been mentioned, just ignore it

 

Dear [Agent Name]:

 

When Henry meets his lover’s ex-girlfriend at a club, he makes the biggest mistake of his life: He sleeps with her. I like this

 

For two decades, Henry and Jack have loved each other as they’ve never loved anyone else. Even so, Jack can’t commit because he’s too emotionally damaged from the secret of what happened years ago between him and his ex-girlfriend, Althea. So when Henry meets Althea he makes a foolish decision. He thinks if he just sleeps with this woman she'll pillow talk the secret and he’ll learn it for himself. Then finally Jack will be spared the onus of disclosing a story he can’t bear to tell. This is pretty good. The only question I ask myself is what the big secret is.

 

But soon Henry learns Althea’s presence at the club was no coincidence. As desperate as he is to learn the big mystery from Althea, she is equally desperate to reclaim Jack for herself. The reason why I asked about the secret is because it keeps coming up in the query but is never actually mentioned. So I'm wondering could you get away without mentioning the secret at all? She begs Henry to broker a reunion. He refuses but Althea won’t take no for an answer. She steal’s Jack’s number from his phone and her call reveals Henry’s role in the affair. Then the unimaginable happens, and  I suggest getting rid of this and use an em-dash instead Jack leaves him.

 

Henry, his life always so effortless and satisfying, shatters at this inconceivable loss. He stops eating and going to clubs. He detests Althea but also craves her. Drawn to each other by their shared loss of Jack, they embark on an abusive, mutually hateful relationship. Their malignant trysts erode Henry’s physical health and push him toward a breakdown. From a mutual friend, Henry learns that Jack is doing just as badly. They need each other to escape this spiral; the question is whether they can reconnect in time to make that happen. I like this last para

 

LOVE is a 100,000-word literary novel this isn't really a category or category. Adult romance is category and genre. Agents want to see the proper use of genre and category. Author bio, comps, etc.

 

Overall I like it. I just struggle with the secret. Since it seems so important what happened years ago between Jack and Althea I think it should either be mentioned, as in what happened, or not be in the query. Unless I'm missing the point somewhere all together. Sorry if that's the case :cool:

 

I'll certainly check on future versions. I like the story.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#29 morgan.spraker

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 10:32 AM

Dear [Agent Name]:

 

When Henry meets his lover’s ex-girlfriend at a club, he makes the biggest mistake of his life: He sleeps with her. I like this!

 

For two decades, Henry and Jack have loved each other as they’ve never loved anyone else feels cliche right here. Even so, Jack can’t commit because he’s too emotionally damaged from the secret of what happened years ago between him and his ex-girlfriend, Althea. So when Henry meets Althea he makes a foolish decision. These few sentences have felt a little choppy. You need some rhythm and voice that mirrors that of your manuscript so it'll be catchy He thinks if he just sleeps with this woman she'll pillow talk the secret and he’ll learn it for himself. Then finally Jack will be spared the onus this word sticks out like a sore thumb -- I know that sounds harsh, but it's the first thing I thought of of disclosing a story he can’t bear to tell.

 

But soon Henry learns Althea’s presence at the club was no coincidence. As desperate as he is to learn the big mystery are you able to be more specific here? from Althea, she is equally desperate to reclaim Jack for herself. She begs Henry to broker a reunion. He refuses but Althea won’t take no for an answer. She steal’s Jack’s number from his phone and her call reveals Henry’s role in the affair. Then the unimaginable happens, and Jack leaves him.

 

Henry, his life always so effortless and satisfying, shatters at this inconceivable loss. He stops eating and going to clubs. He detests Althea but also craves her. Drawn to each other by their shared loss of Jack, they embark on an abusive, mutually hateful relationship. Their malignant trysts erode Henry’s physical health and push him toward a breakdown. From a mutual friend, Henry learns that Jack is doing just as badly. They need each other to escape this spiral; the question is whether they can reconnect in time to make that happen. Right now, this sounds more like a synopsis than a query. Make sure to highlight only the catchiest and most crucial parts of your manuscript here. 

 

LOVE is a 100,000-word literary novel would it be an adult romance? Author bio, comps, etc.

First off, thanks for reviewing my query! Your biggest problems are that the first two paragraphs are a little choppy in terms of voice and sentence length. Add some variation. Then, your last paragraph sounds a little like a synopsis. I really like the premise of your story though!



#30 smithgirl

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 10:38 AM

First off, thanks for reviewing my query! Your biggest problems are that the first two paragraphs are a little choppy in terms of voice and sentence length. Add some variation. Then, your last paragraph sounds a little like a synopsis. I really like the premise of your story though!

 

 

Hmmm. You're right; I think it has become a bit synopsis-y. I try to fix one problem and create a new one. :-( Thanks for dropping by!



#31 smithgirl

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 11:29 AM

OK I tried to tighten this up and make it less choppy and synopsis-y. Hopefully some progress. Thanks to WP for pointing out all the extra crap I try squeezing into my itty bitty query.

 

 

Dear [Agent Name]:

 

When Henry meets his lover’s ex-girlfriend at a club he makes a terrible mistake: He sleeps with her.

 

For two decades Henry and Jack have loved only each other. Even so they remain uncommitted because Jack is emotionally damaged from a relationship with his ex-girlfriend, Althea. So when Henry meets Althea one night, by chance, he does something reckless; he goes to bed with her, over and over, hoping she'll pillow talk the secret of what happened between her and Jack.

 

Which she does, and finally Henry can spare Jack the burden of disclosing a story he finds too unbearable to tell. But when Henry tries to break things off with Althea she won’t take no for an answer—she wants to reclaim Jack for herself! A call to Jack reveals Henry's role in the affair, and Jack leaves him.

 

Suddenly, rather than breaking up with Althea, Henry craves her as a final link with Jack. He and Althea embark on an abusive, mutually hateful relationship that erodes Henry’s physical health and pushes him toward a breakdown. From a mutual friend, Henry learns that Jack is doing just as badly. They need each other to escape this spiral; the question is whether they can reconnect in time to make that happen.

 

 

LOVE is a 100,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.



#32 W.P.

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 01:15 PM

OK I tried to tighten this up and make it less choppy and synopsis-y. Hopefully some progress. Thanks in advance!

 

 

Dear [Agent Name]:

 

When Henry meets his lover’s ex-girlfriend at a club, he makes the biggest mistake of his life: He sleeps with her.  ((I like this first sentence much better! I think you're on the right track, but I still think it could have more of a "punch". I think one the thing in the sentence making it less powerful is "the biggest mistake of his life" because it's used so often (and usually in an overdramatic way or an exaggeration)) and loses all impact here. The rest is to-the-point and has impact)))

 

For two decades Henry and Jack have loved only each other, but their relationship remains uncommitted because Jack is too emotionally damaged from a different his relationship year ago, with this ex-girlfriend, Althea. So when Henry meets Althea  ((you might've cut too much here. now it reads ambiguously, like Henry sought after Althea. Let the reader know it was a "coincidence" in a bar)) he makes a reckless decision; he goes to bed with her, over and over, hoping to learn the secret of what happened between her and Jack.  ((if it's over and over, then it's not "a reckless decision" its actually many decisions. xD ))

 

Which he does, finally, and Henry is triumphant; saying he's triumphant after cheating on his lover so many times makes him sound like a huge douche. If you want us to not hate him, it's best to focus on his "kinder" thoughts like the next one: now he can spare his greatest love the burden of disclosing an unbearable story he can’t tell. Finally Henry can end things with Althea. But while he’s asleep one night Althea steals Jack’s number from his phone. Henry learns, too late, that as desperate as he was to get the secret from Althea, she was equally desperate to reclaim Jack for herself. She makes the call, revealing Henry’s role in the affair, and the inconceivable happens--Jack leaves him. ((I think it's here, in the second half of this paragraph, that the query starts reading as a synopsis. It's too much plot and story development. You should leave out the rest and make a hook out of when Henry tries to break it off with Althea and she shows her true colors. You don't have to tells us everything, just a hint of it to seduce the readers into reading your novel.))

 

Henry has never suffered such a catastrophic personal loss. He stops eating and going to clubs. Suddenly he craves Althea, needing her as his last connection with Jack.  ((this is much better explained now than before. But, as I said, this should be part of the synopsis, and not in the query)) He and Althea embark on an abusive, mutually hateful relationship that erodes Henry’s physical health and pushes him toward a breakdown. From a mutual friend, Henry learns that Jack is doing just as badly. They need each other to escape this spiral; the question is whether they can reconnect in time to make that happen.

 

LOVE is a 100,000-word literary novel with romantic elements. Author bio, comps, etc.

 

 

 

I like this version a lot better. Certainly more engaging. :) I think the one issue is that it still reads as a synopsis. I pointed out inline where it started to read as a synopsis and made gave advice on how to change that.

 

I hope some of this will be of help. :D



#33 smithgirl

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 01:17 PM

I like this version a lot better. Certainly more engaging. :) I think the one issue is that it still reads as a synopsis. I pointed out inline where it started to read as a synopsis and made gave advice on how to change that.

 

I hope some of this will be of help. :D

 

 

 Thanks WP!



#34 Tanja

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Posted 08 May 2018 - 01:16 AM

OK I tried to tighten this up and make it less choppy and synopsis-y. Hopefully some progress. Thanks to WP for pointing out all the extra crap I try squeezing into my itty bitty query.

 

 

Dear [Agent Name]:

 

When Henry meets his lover’s ex-girlfriend at a club he makes the biggest mistake of his life: He sleeps with her. Good

 

For two decades Henry and Jack have loved only each other, but they remain uncommitted because Jack is too emotionally damaged from a relationship with his ex-girlfriend, Althea. So when Henry meets Althea one night, by chance, he does something reckless; he sleeps with her, over and over, hoping to learn the secret of what happened between her and Jack. This is very clear now. Very good work

 

Which he does, and finally Henry can spare his greatest love the burden of disclosing a story he finds too unbearable to tell. Up until here it's great. But when Henry tries to break things off with Althea she steals Jack’s number from his phone—she wants to reclaim Jack for herself! Her call reveals Henry’s role in the affair. The inconceivable happens when Jack leaves him. And that's where it falls apart and loses momentum. How it all happens isn't important and by mentioning that she steals Jack's number etc is too detailed. I wouldn't want to read the book any longer from that moment on because I already know what's going to happen. You want to encourage an agent to read your story and this isn't going to happen when you tell them everything before hand. Therefore I suggest wording it differently and not mentioning the phone number at all. Concentrate on what drives the story, what drives her. As an example: when Henry tries to break things off, Althea has to use every trick in the book to ...

 

Suddenly, rather than leaving Althea, Henry craves her as a final link with Jack. He and Althea embark on an abusive, mutually hateful relationship that erodes Henry’s physical health and pushes him toward a breakdown. From a mutual friend, Henry learns that Jack is doing just as badly. They need each other to escape this spiral; the question is whether they can reconnect in time to make that happen.

 

LOVE is a 100,000-word literary novel with romantic elements. sorry for wiping this again. Category and genre is what agents want to see here. Adult romance or even adult contemporary romance. Some agents want to see the category and genre in the subject line. If you write Literary Novel with romantic elements, they won't read on because they assume you haven't done your research properly. Depending on the agent, it can lead to a rejection right away. Author bio, comps, etc.

 

The beginning is much better. It's now all clear. The overall is good, but as you realized as well, it's still too "synopsily". I hope what I pointed out will  help in that regard. Good luck.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#35 smithgirl

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Posted 08 May 2018 - 08:47 AM

The beginning is much better. It's now all clear. The overall is good, but as you realized as well, it's still too "synopsily". I hope what I pointed out will  help in that regard. Good luck.

Hi Tanya,

 

Thanks for checking back. I can assure you, however, that the book really is literary. Literary fiction, as a genre, also includes romantic novels. Books like "The Time Traveler's Wife" and "The Paying Guests" are literary even though they are basically love stories. This is in contrast to genre romance, which is a completely different beast.



#36 CavalierdeNuit

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Posted 08 May 2018 - 02:09 PM

When Henry meets his lover’s ex-girlfriend at a club he makes a terrible mistake: He sleeps with her. Is Henry bisexual? It took me a minute to try and figure out his preferences, but I'm still not sure. 

 

For two decades Henry and Jack have loved only each other. So he's gay? Even so they remain uncommitted because Jack is emotionally damaged from a relationship with his ex-girlfriend, Althea. They're both bi? So when Henry meets Althea Who is Althea? one night, by chance, he does something reckless; he goes to bed with her, over and over, hoping to learn the secret of what happened between her and Jack. Why would regularly sleeping with someone reveal anything about an ex-affair? Spying and interrogation would get better results. 

 

Which he does, does what? and finally Henry can spare his greatest love the burden of disclosing a story he finds too unbearable to tell. Who is his greatest love, and what is this story? But when Henry tries to break things off why? with Althea she won’t take no for an answer—she wants to reclaim Jack for herself! Why? A call to Jack reveals the whole sordid mess and then the conceivable happens when Jack leaves Henry. For Althea, or another person?

 

Suddenly, rather than breaking up with Althea, Henry craves her as a final link with Jack. He and Althea embark on an abusive, mutually hateful relationship that erodes Henry’s physical health and pushes him toward a breakdown. Huh? I'm not understanding what this means. Are these people into BDSM? From a mutual friend, Henry learns that Jack is doing just as badly. How? They need each other to escape this spiral; the question is whether they can reconnect in time to make that happen. To make what happen?

 

Heny & Jack: bisexual? men in an open relationship.

Althea: Jack's ex-lover

 

Who is the actual MC?

What does he/she want?

What is keeping him/her from getting it?

What will happen if he/she gets it/doesn't get it?

 

This is really vague. I have no idea what's going on other than a sordid love triangle with a woman/transgender woman? and two bisexual? men. Is it a tale of a woman so incredible, she can turn gay men straight? Sounds like you are wanting to get more detailed with the sex, but are dancing around it. Is this erotica? If so, it needs to be way juicier.

 

Hope this helps!

 



#37 Heliagrey

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Posted 08 May 2018 - 02:34 PM

OK I tried to tighten this up and make it less choppy and synopsis-y. Hopefully some progress. Thanks to WP for pointing out all the extra crap I try squeezing into my itty bitty query.

 

 

Dear [Agent Name]:

 

When Henry meets his lover’s ex-girlfriend at a club he makes a terrible mistake: He sleeps with her.

 

For two decades Henry and Jack have loved only each other. Even so they remain uncommitted because Jack is emotionally damaged from a relationship with his ex-girlfriend, Althea. So when Henry meets Althea one night, by chance, he does something reckless; he goes to bed with her, over and over, hoping to learn the secret of what happened between her and Jack. (The only part of this you need is that the only reason he slept with her is to figure out about Jack. The rest is all repeat.)

 

Which he does, and finally Henry can spare his greatest love the burden of disclosing a story he finds too unbearable to tell. (If my husband tried to pull a "I slept with X so you wouldn't have to burden me with a sad story, I'd gut him. It's an odd reason to sleep with someone- which is fine, but above you said it was a mistake- here it sounds like he's justifying it. I say stick to mistake motif.) But when Henry tries to break things off with Althea she won’t take no for an answer—she wants to reclaim Jack for herself! ( I don't think the exclamation point is necessary.) A call to Jack reveals the whole sordid mess and then the conceivable happens when Jack leaves Henry.

 

Suddenly, rather than breaking up with Althea, Henry craves her as a final link with Jack. He and Althea embark on an abusive, mutually hateful relationship that erodes Henry’s physical health and pushes him toward a breakdown. From a mutual friend, Henry learns that Jack is doing just as badly. They need each other to escape this spiral; the question is whether they can reconnect in time to make that happen.

 

 

LOVE is a 100,000-word literary novel. Author bio, comps, etc.

 

First of all, thank you for your help w/ my query. :) I like the idea of a character suspense driven novel. I think you've got too much information in there still. I agree that it's confusing whether or not Henry is gay/bi, etc- if he is gay, and sleeping with a woman only as relationship archaeology for his true love, it should be a little clearer. I'd definitely add that his lover is a man in that first sentence- I'd say that's where the 'snap' is- ie, wait, why is he sleeping with his male lover's girlfriend? It would be enough to get me to the next section.

 

Pare it way down- basically, put some flesh on the bones of : Henry slept with his boyfriend's ex-girlfriend. It was a mistake, but he was motivated by the need to know what happened. But Althea had her own motives for sleeping with Henry: she wants Jack back. And now she has the ammo to destroy their relationship. Instead of hating the person who did it, he turns back to her.

 

THAT being said, I'm not invested with who ends up with who. The psychological component is definitely important, but I still need to know more about why I should read this. Is it really scandalous? Why do I want to read about a mutually destructive relationship... Is there a bigger secret? Etc.

 

<3  



#38 Tanja

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Posted 09 May 2018 - 01:54 AM

Hi Tanya,

 

Thanks for checking back. I can assure you, however, that the book really is literary. Literary fiction, as a genre, also includes romantic novels. Books like "The Time Traveler's Wife" and "The Paying Guests" are literary even though they are basically love stories. This is in contrast to genre romance, which is a completely different beast.

done some research and yes, thanks, didn't know it was a genre. Will keep it in mind.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

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#39 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 11 May 2018 - 12:47 PM

Smithgirl, once you revise, let me know if you want me to check it out.

 

Thanks for the feedback!


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#40 smithgirl

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Posted 11 May 2018 - 12:50 PM

Smithgirl, once you revise, let me know if you want me to check it out.

 

Thanks for the feedback!

 

Thank you, Preston! I had to take a break -- my head was about to explode -- but will get back to this very soon.






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