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Ya Fantasy -- Krenuo's Children

Fantasy Young Adult

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#1 W.P.

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Posted 04 May 2018 - 04:28 PM

YA FANTASY ;  Krenuo's Children

 

 

After being brutally murdered, the Croft family appears in Siele, also known as heaven. They have no recollection of their deaths as CEOLIM, the God of Siele, removes any negative memories from their human lives to improve their eternal existences. 

 

However, SAM CROFT, a naive sixteen-year-old, starts regaining memories of his sister, eighteen-year-old CARA, whose existence had been wiped from his and his parents' minds. Worried about what might have happened to her after they all died, Sam searches heaven for her and reaches a cliff where Ceolim tells him Cara is at the bottom. Without telling Sam where it leads, Ceolim talks him into jumping to find her. As he falls out of heaven, Sam’s missing memories return to him and he finally remembers his death: Cara had her whole family murdered. 

 

He falls where his sister was sent to: Krenuo, also known as hell. It is the realm of God Punsaum, a place swarming with unscrupulous people and horrific monsters, but Sam finds himself a group of comrades he could even consider friends. Sam, a pacifist and an idealist, has a hard time adapting to Krenuo as he avoids resorting to violence, which puts his headstrong comrades in danger. 

 

After getting to know his comrades and how they came to Krenuo, Sam realizes that the line between good and bad might not be as clear as he has always believed and that even good people could do bad things if pushed to a certain point. Sam promises himself to not let Krenuo break him and that he will always be someone who belongs in Siele. 

 

For a while, Sam is confused and frustrated as he doesn't understand what his purpose is in Krenuo, until he discovers that Cara is planning to go up to Siele. He realizes that Ceolim manipulated him into falling there to stop her. While Sam still doesn't understand why Ceolim wasn't truthful, since Sam would've helped anyway, he knows Cara has to be stopped. If she succeeds in getting to Siele and Krenuo's terrible inhabitants find out, they'll all go to Siele too. Though a war between Krenuo and Siele scares him, what truly terrifies Sam is the thought of Cara being anywhere near his parents again. 

Back on Earth, Cara had a troubled relationship with her parents, who disowned her days before she was to be released from a juvenile detention center. She tried for most of her life to get her parents to accept her, but after she killed a dog under their care and they recognized her psychopathic nature, they feared her and doted only on Sam. She still envies and resents him. Now she will chase her family all the way to Siele, but the portal is in the sky. So, she along with her powerful allies obtain a flying beast just as Sam and his comrades arrive to stop her. He tries to talk her out of her quest, but she hears none of it and a fight ensues. She defeats him and starts her journey toward Siele. 

 

Sam, enraged at Cara and terrified she’ll reach his parents, decides there is no more talking. He will protect his parents at all costs. He goes after her, threatening and hurting people who hinder his way, and catches up to her just as she is about to enter Siele. A brutal fight starts between the siblings and Sam wins. 

 

Defeated, Cara explains that she wasn’t going to Siele to hurt their parents. The Crofts’ massacre had been a murder-suicide. After the most important people in her life had disowned her, Cara had killed them, then herself. Now, she was seeking a second chance in Siele. When she learned people in Siele can’t remember the bad things from their earthen lives, she had hoped up there she could finally have a happy relationship with her parents. Because they wouldn't remember her psychopathic nature or the terrible things she had done. 

 

It is now all over and, although he succeeded in saving Siele, Sam does not feel victorious. He feels Krenuo has broken him, as though he has lost himself to the darkness within him. 

 

He is removed from Krenuo and reunites with Ceolim who thanks him for saving Siele and explains why He deceived him: Sam had to believe he was searching for Cara of his own volition. Krenuo is Punsaum’s realm and Ceolim is not allowed to interfere. Punsaum can't find out that Ceolim breached their divine contract or a war between gods would start. When Ceolim tells Sam he's going back to Siele, Sam asks if, after all the bad things he did in Krenuo, he still belongs in Siele. Ceolim tells him that he may no longer belong in Siele but he has never deserved it more. 

 

When Sam returns to Siele, he doesn't remember ever leaving, though he feels out of place and doesn't understand why. But once he sees his parents smiling happily, he feels right back home. 



#2 Author CJ Black

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Posted 08 May 2018 - 02:06 PM

After being brutally murdered, the Croft family appears in Siele, also known as heaven. They have no recollection of their deaths as CEOLIM, the God of Siele, removes any negative memories from their human lives to improve their eternal existences.  Good start!

 

However, SAM CROFT, a naive sixteen-year-old, starts regaining memories of his sister, eighteen-year-old CARA, whose existence had been wiped from his and his parents' minds. Worried about what might have happened to her after they all died, Sam searches heaven for her and reaches a cliff where Ceolim tells him Cara is at the bottom.  –Wait, I’m a bit confused here.  The whole family died. At first, it seems they were all together in heaven but they’ve been separated. You may want to clarify this

 

Without telling Sam where it leads, Ceolim talks him into jumping to find her. –Doesn't Sam question this? Why does Ceolim allow him to leave?  As he falls out of heaven, Sam’s missing memories return to him and he finally remembers his death: Cara had her their whole family murdered. –Wow! Now that’s a twist!

 

He falls where his sister was sent to His destination?  Krenuo, also known as hell. It is the realm of God Punsaum, a place swarming with unscrupulous people and horrific monsters, but Sam finds himself a group of comrades --he comes to depend on?  he could even consider friends. Sam, a pacifist and an idealist, --this should be mentioned a bit sooner, maybe right after he arrives and realizes where he is and how that will conflict with his beliefs  has a hard time adapting to Krenuo –I’m not sure what can go here but as a pacifist in hell he should be more than having a hard time adapting.  as he avoids resorting to violence, which puts his headstrong comrades in danger. –How? Can his companions not fight? If they’ve been there for long, they probably know the ins and outs of the place and can likely fend for themselves. I imagine they would find Sam to be an annoyance.

 

After getting to know his comrades and how they came to Krenuo, -What do they have to do with Sam’s realization?  Sam realizes that the line between good and bad might not be as clear as he has always believed and that even good people could do bad things if pushed to a certain point. –Tighten this paragraph up a bit, it seems long.  Sam promises himself to not let Krenuo break him and that he will always be someone who belongs in Siele. 

 

For a while, Sam is confused and frustrated as he doesn't understand what his purpose is in Krenuo, --Wait, I thought his purpose was to find his sister?  We also need to know earlier what he plans on doing once he finds her.  until he discovers that Cara is planning to go up to Siele. –How is she going to get up there?  He realizes that Ceolim manipulated him into falling there to stop her. While Sam still doesn't understand why Ceolim wasn't truthful, since Sam would've helped anyway, he knows Cara has to be stopped.   –Ceolim is a God so likely he would know Sam’s heart and ask him. And how does Sam find out? If she succeeds in getting to Siele and Krenuo's terrible inhabitants find out, they'll all go to Siele too. Though a war between Krenuo and Siele scares him, what truly terrifies Sam is the thought of Cara being anywhere near his parents again.  –What else could she do to them at this point? And again we need to know if they all went heavenward at the same time and ended up in the same place.

 

Back on Earth, Cara had a troubled relationship with her parents, who disowned her days before she was to be released from a juvenile detention center. She tried for most of her life to get her parents to accept her, but after she killed a dog under their care and they recognized her psychopathic nature, they feared her and doted only on Sam. She still envies and resents him. Now she will chase her family all the way to Siele, but the portal is in the sky. So, she along with her powerful allies obtain a flying beast just as Sam and his comrades arrive to stop her. He tries to talk her out of her quest, but she hears none of it and a fight ensues. She defeats him and starts her journey toward Siele. --I know you’re trying to tell us a bit about Cara but this paragraph feels totally out of place here. It sounds like you’re changing POV. Am I assuming people going to Siele don’t have their memories wiped? Also, how did Cara die?

 

Sam, enraged at Cara and terrified she’ll reach his parents, decides there is no more talking. He will protect his parents at all costs. He goes after her, threatening and hurting people –Whoa, so now Sam is a badass?  And who else is he hurting? And what about his companions?  They suddenly disappeared.  Pacifism is not something you can change about yourself on a whim.  who hinder his way, and catches up to her just as she is about to enter Siele. A brutal fight starts between the siblings and Sam wins. 

 

Defeated, Cara explains that she wasn’t going to Siele to hurt their parents. The Crofts’ massacre had been a murder-suicide. After the most important people in her life had disowned her, Cara had killed them, then herself. Now, she was seeking a second chance in Siele. When she learned people in Siele can’t remember the bad things from their earthen lives –How? she had hoped up there she could finally have a happy relationship with her parents. Because they wouldn't remember her psychopathic nature or the terrible things she had done. –I think we should know about this a bit sooner. 

 

It is now all over and, although he succeeded in saving Siele, Sam does not feel victorious. He feels Krenuo has broken him, as though he has lost himself to the darkness within him. 

 

He is removed from Krenuo –How or by whom? and reunites with Ceolim who thanks him for saving Siele and explains why He deceived him: Sam had to believe he was searching for Cara of his own volition. –OK, good explanation.  Krenuo is Punsaum’s realm and Ceolim is not allowed to interfere. Punsaum can't find out that Ceolim breached their divine contract or a war between gods would start. When Ceolim tells Sam he's going back to Siele, Sam asks if, after all the bad things he did in Krenuo, he still belongs in Siele. Ceolim tells him that he may no longer belong in Siele but he has never deserved it more. 

 

When Sam returns to Siele, he doesn't remember ever leaving, though he feels out of place and doesn't understand why. But once he sees his parents smiling happily, he feels right back home. 

 

This is a VERY interesting story, but I’m a bit confused, is this a query or synopsis? You said it was a query but it reads more like a synopsis.  You mentioned Sam’s companions but suddenly they seemed to drop from the story. If they are important to the plot, we at least need to know who they are and what happened to them after the battle.  Were they left in hell after helping Sam or were they the ones Sam hurt?  I’m not sure if it’s relevant but what were his parents doing all of this time. Were they aware of what Sam was doing? Anyway, I hope this helps. You have a good shot with this! Keep working on it.


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#3 W.P.

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Posted 08 May 2018 - 02:33 PM

Thanks so much for the thorough critique! :)

 

Did I say query? I meant synopsis. xD I've been so obsessed with my query I can't think of anything else. He he he.

 

That paragraph regarding Cara really was a change in POV. The novel is mostly written in Sam's POV, but every once in a while we change to Cara's. I'm guessing it didn't translate well into the synopsis. I would write it in Sam's POV, but unfortunately he doesn't know what Cara knows, so it wouldn't make sense. I'll think about what to do with it. 

 

Thanks again for the feedback. :D



#4 W.P.

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Posted 11 May 2018 - 02:02 AM

((newest version))

After being brutally murdered, SAM CROFT and his parents appear in Siele, also known as heaven. They have no recollection of their deaths as CEOLIM, the God of Siele, removes any negative memories from their human lives to improve their eternal existences.

However, Sam, a kind and naive sixteen-year-old, starts regaining memories of his sister, eighteen-year-old CARA, whose existence had been wiped from his and his parents' minds. Worried about what might have happened to her after they all died, Sam searches heaven for her and reaches a cliff where Ceolim tells him Cara is at the bottom. Without telling Sam where it leads, Ceolim talks him into jumping to find her. As he falls out of heaven, Sam’s missing memories return, including that of his death: Cara had their whole family murdered.

He falls where his sister was sent to: Krenuo, also known as hell. It is the realm of God Punsaum, a place swarming with unscrupulous people and horrific monsters. Here, where ruthlessness, violence and intimidation are the greastest weapons, Sam's pacifistic and idealistic nature endangers him.
As he meets people along the way and learns how they came to Krenuo, Sam realizes that the line between good and bad might not be as clear as he has always believed and that even good people could do bad things if pushed to a certain point. Sam promises himself to not let Krenuo break him and that he will always be someone who belongs in Siele.

For a while, Sam is confused and frustrated as he doesn't understand why God coaxed him into following his murderous sister into hell. That is until he discovers that Cara is planning to go up to Siele. He realizes that Ceolim manipulated him into falling there to stop her. While Sam still doesn't understand why Ceolim wasn't truthful, since Sam would've helped anyway, he knows Cara has to be stopped. If she succeeds in getting to Siele and Krenuo's terrible inhabitants find out, they'll all go to Siele too. Though a war between Krenuo and Siele scares him, what truly terrifies Sam is the thought of Cara being anywhere near his parents again.

Back on Earth, Cara had a troubled relationship with her parents, who disowned her days before she was to be released from a juvenile detention center. She tried for most of her life to get her parents to accept her, but after she killed a dog under their care and they recognized her psychopathic nature, they feared her and doted only on Sam. She still envies and resents him. Now she will chase her family all the way to Siele, but the portal is in the sky. So, she obtains a flying beast just as Sam arrives to stop her. He tries to talk her out of her quest, but she hears none of it and a fight ensues. She defeats him and starts her journey toward Siele.

Sam, enraged at Cara and terrified she’ll reach his parents, decides there is no more talking. He will protect his parents at all costs. He goes after her, threatening and hurting people who hinder his way, and catches up to her just as she is about to enter Siele. A brutal fight starts between the siblings and Sam wins.

Defeated, Cara explains that she wasn’t going to Siele to hurt their parents. The Crofts’ massacre had been a murder-suicide. After the most important people in her life had disowned her, Cara had killed them, then herself. Now, she was seeking a second chance in Siele. When she learned people in Siele can’t remember the bad things from their earthen lives, she had hoped up there she could finally have a happy relationship with her parents. Because they wouldn't remember her psychopathic nature or the terrible things she had done.

It is now all over and, although he succeeded in saving Siele, Sam does not feel victorious. He feels Krenuo has broken him, as though he has lost himself to the darkness within him.

He is removed from Krenuo and reunites with Ceolim who thanks him for saving Siele and explains why He deceived him: Sam had to believe he was searching for Cara of his own volition. Krenuo is Punsaum’s realm and Ceolim is not allowed to interfere. Punsaum can't find out that Ceolim breached their divine contract or a war between gods would start. When Ceolim tells Sam he's going back to Siele, Sam asks if, after all the bad things he did in Krenuo, he still belongs in Siele. Ceolim tells him that he may no longer belong in Siele but he has never deserved it more.

When Sam returns to Siele, he doesn't remember ever leaving, though he feels out of place and doesn't understand why. But once he sees his parents smiling happily, he feels right back home.



#5 cmmg

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Posted 19 May 2018 - 06:57 PM

((newest version))

After being brutally murdered, SAM CROFT and his parents appear in Siele, also known as heaven. They have no recollection of their deaths as CEOLIM, the God of Siele, removes any negative memories from their  human lives to improve their eternal existences.

However, Sam, a kind and naive sixteen-year-old, starts regaining memories of his sister, eighteen-year-old CARA, whose existence had been wiped from his and his parents' minds (this may be redundant since we know Siele wiped their memories but other people might not assume like I did). Worried about what might have happened to her after they all died, Sam searches heaven for her and reaches a cliff. where (I think it reads clearer this way) Ceolim tells him Cara is at the bottom. Without telling Sam where it leads, Ceolim talks him into jumping to find her. (This sentence is a little weak, you have tells twice, you have "talks him into" which is not very action-y even if it's correct)As he falls out of heaven, Sam’s missing memories return, including that of his death(this might not be necessary): Cara had their whole family murdered.

He falls where his sister was sent to: Krenuo, also known as hell. It is the realm of God Punsaum, a place swarming with unscrupulous people and horrific monsters (unscrupulous isn't the same as monster. there are unscrupulous lawyers, but they're not going to murder you). Here, where ruthlessness, violence and intimidation are the greastest weapons, Sam's pacifistic and idealistic nature endangers him.
As he meets people along the way and learns how they came to Krenuo, Sam realizes that the line between good and bad might not be as clear as he has always believed and that even good people could do bad things if pushed to a certain point. Sam promises himself to not let Krenuo break him and that he will always be someone who belongs in Siele. (for the sentiment this implies, this sentence is weak. You're literally saying "Hell is really hard, and can drive people to do heinous acts, but Sam won't let himself be corrupted" but you just have really weak words here.)

For a while, Sam is confused and frustrated as he doesn't understand why God coaxed him into following his murderous sister into hell. That is until he discovers that Cara is planning to go up to Siele. He realizes that Ceolim manipulated him into falling there to stop her. While Sam still doesn't understand why Ceolim lied (I know he didn't technically lie but it reads a bit better) wasn't truthful, since Sam would've helped anyway(you literally say this when you say he knows Cara must be stopped. That tells us he would have helped anyway), he knows Cara has to be stopped. If she succeeds in getting to Siele and Krenuo's terrible inhabitants find out, they'll all go to Siele too. Though a war between Krenuo and Siele scares him, what truly terrifies Sam is the thought of Cara being anywhere near his parents again.

Back on Earth (for a second I thought WAAAAIT she went back to earth, but you mean in the past), Cara had a troubled relationship with her parents, who disowned her days before she was to be released from a juvenile detention center (This is sad, but backstory. Backstroy in a place where you JUST had a bunch of plot). She tried for most of her life to get her parents to accept her, but after she killed a dog under their care and they recognized her psychopathic nature, they feared her and doted only on Sam. She still envies and resents him (None of this seems important? to the plot I mean). Now she will chase her family all the way to Siele, but the portal is in the sky (I'm not sure how the portal in the sky contradicts her wanting to chase them, but the "but" implies it does). So, she obtains a flying beast just as Sam arrives to stop her. He tries to talk her out of her quest, but she hears none of it and a fight ensues. She defeats him and starts her journey toward Siele. (Unless there's a series of flasbacks where we get her POV here and no where else, I'd cut the backstory. Even implying that Sam DISCOVERS some of it, (even if that's not true) might work better. this feels tangential as it)

Sam, enraged at Cara and terrified she’ll reach his parents, decides there is no more talking. He will protect his parents at all costs. He goes after her, threatening and hurting people who hinder his way, and catches up to her just as she is about to enter Siele. A brutal fight starts between the siblings and Sam wins. (You don't mention he meets her before, then Cara says they meet and he tries to talk her out, but she defeats him but then you start again with him following her? I feel like I'm missing how the first and second encounter differ.)

Defeated, Cara explains that she wasn’t going to Siele to hurt their parents. The Crofts’ massacre had been a murder-suicide. After the most important people in her life had disowned her, Cara had killed them, then herself (This works better if we DON'T know all the details about her life). Now, she was seeking a second chance in Siele. When she learned people in Siele can’t remember the bad things from their earthen lives, she had hoped up there she could finally have a happy relationship with her parents. Because they wouldn't remember her psychopathic nature or the terrible things she had done.

It is now all over and, although he succeeded in saving Siele, Sam does not feel victorious. He feels Krenuo has broken him, as though he has lost himself to the darkness within him.

He is removed from Krenuo and (this is implied by what comes after) reunites with Ceolim who thanks him for saving Siele and explains why He deceived him: Sam had to believe he was searching for Cara of his own volition. Krenuo is Punsaum’s realm and Ceolim is not allowed to interfere. Punsaum can't find out that Ceolim breached their divine contract or a war between gods would start. When Ceolim tells Sam he's going back to Siele, Sam asks if, after all the bad things he did in Krenuo, he still belongs in Siele. Ceolim tells him that he may no longer belong in Siele but he has never deserved it more.

When Sam returns to Siele, he doesn't remember ever leaving, though he feels out of place and doesn't understand why. But once he sees his parents smiling happily, he feels right back home.

 

I feel like you have a good set of events, some words could just me more concise. I think at this point cutting is what you need as I wasn't particularly confused by anything.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#6 W.P.

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 02:41 AM

((most recent version))

 

After being brutally murdered, SAM CROFT and his parents appear in Siele, also known as heaven. They have no recollection of their deaths as CEOLIM, the God of Siele, removes any negative memories from their human lives to improve their eternal existences. 

 

However, Sam, a kind and naive sixteen-year-old, starts regaining memories of his sister, eighteen-year-old CARA, whose existence had been wiped from his and his parents' minds. Worried about what might have happened to her after they all died, Sam searches heaven for her. He reaches a cliff where Ceolim coaxes him into jumping, assuring Cara is at the bottom and Sam need to find her. So, Sam jumps. As he falls out of heaven, Sam’s missing memories return, including that of his death: Cara had their whole family murdered. 

 

He falls where his sister was sent to: Krenuo, also known as hell. It is the realm of God Punsaum, a place swarming with demons and horrific monsters. Here, where ruthlessness, violence and intimidation are the greastest weaponsSam's pacifistic and idealistic nature endangers him.  

 

As he meets people along the way and learns how they came to Krenuo, Sam realizes that the line between good and bad isn't always clear. Even good people could do bad things if pushed to a certain point. He promises himself Krenuo won't break him and that he'll always be someone who belongs in Siele. 

 

For a while, Sam is confused and frustrated as he doesn't understand why God coaxed him into following his murderous sister into hell. That is until he discovers that Cara is planning to go up to Siele. He realizes that Ceolim manipulated him into falling there to stop her. While Sam still doesn't understand why Ceolim wasn't truthful, since Sam would've helped anyway, he knows Cara has to be stopped. If she succeeds in getting to Siele and Krenuo's terrible inhabitants find out, they'll all go to Siele too. Though a war between Krenuo and Siele scares him, what truly terrifies Sam is the thought of Cara being anywhere near his parents again. 

 

Back on Earth, Cara had a troubled relationship with her parents, who disowned her days before she was to be released from a juvenile detention center. She tried for most of her life to get her parents to accept her, but after she killed a dog under their care and they recognized her psychopathic nature, they feared her and doted only on Sam. She still envies and resents him. Now she will chase her family all the way to Siele, but the portal is in the sky. So, she obtains a flying beast just as Sam arrives to stop her. He tries to talk her out of her quest, but she hears none of it and a fight ensues. She defeats him and starts her journey toward Siele. 

 

Sam, enraged at Cara and terrified she’ll reach his parents, decides there is no more talking. He will protect his parents at all costs. He goes after her, threatening and hurting people who hinder his way, and catches up to her just as she is about to enter Siele. A brutal fight starts between the siblings and Sam wins. 

 

Defeated, Cara explains that she wasn’t going to Siele to hurt their parents. The Crofts’ massacre had been a murder-suicide. After the most important people in her life had disowned her, Cara had killed them, then herself. Now, she was seeking a second chance in Siele. When she learned people in Siele can’t remember the bad things from their earthen lives, she had hoped up there she could finally have a happy relationship with her parents. Because they wouldn't remember her psychopathic nature or the terrible things she had done. 

 

It is now all over and, although he succeeded in saving Siele, Sam does not feel victorious. He feels Krenuo has broken him, as though he has lost himself to the darkness within him. 

 

He is removed from Krenuo and reunites with Ceolim who thanks him for saving Siele and explains why He deceived him: Sam had to believe he was searching for Cara of his own volition. Krenuo is Punsaum’s realm and Ceolim is not allowed to interfere. Punsaum can't find out that Ceolim breached their divine contract or a war between gods would start. When Ceolim tells Sam he's going back to Siele, Sam asks if, after all the bad things he did in Krenuo, he still belongs in Siele. Ceolim tells him that he may no longer belong in Siele but he has never deserved it more. 

 

When Sam returns to Siele, he doesn't remember ever leaving, though he feels out of place and doesn't understand why. But once he sees his parents smiling happily, he feels right back home. 



#7 cmmg

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Posted 24 May 2018 - 10:05 AM

I feel like this is basically the exact same as last time, with the same problems of dry/weak sentences. I mean to illustrate, the example "reunites with Ceolim" necessitates that he be removed from Kreuno, firstly, and removed is still a weak phrase.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#8 ShatteredSmooth

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 12:28 PM

 

((most recent version))

 

After being brutally murdered, SAM CROFT and his parents appear in Siele, also known as heaven. They have no recollection of their deaths as CEOLIM, the God of Siele, removes any negative memories from their human lives to improve their eternal existences. 

 

However, Sam, a kind and naive sixteen-year-old, starts regaining memories of his sister, eighteen-year-old CARA, whose existence had been wiped from his and his parents' minds. Worried about what might have happened to her after they all died, Sam searches heaven for her. He reaches a cliff where Ceolim coaxes him into jumping, assuring Cara is at the bottom and Sam need to find her. So, Sam jumps. As he falls out of heaven, Sam’s missing memories return, including that of his death: Cara had their whole family murdered. 

 

He falls where his sister was sent to: Krenuo, also known as hell. It is the realm of God Punsaum, a place swarming with demons and horrific monsters. Here, where ruthlessness, violence and intimidation are the greastest weaponsSam's pacifistic and idealistic nature endangers him.  

 

As he meets people along the way along the way to what and were? and learns how they came to Krenuo, Sam realizes that the line between good and bad isn't always clear. Even good people could do bad things if pushed to a certain point. He promises himself Krenuo won't break him and that he'll always be someone who belongs in Siele. 

 

For a while, Sam is confused and frustrated as he doesn't understand why God coaxed him into following his murderous sister into hell. That is until he discovers that Cara is planning to go up to Siele. He realizes that Ceolim manipulated him into falling there to stop her. How does he come to realize this? This is the second thing he's realized in two paragraphs. Did the walking around and hearing people's stories clue him into his evil sisters crimes? While Sam still doesn't understand why Ceolim wasn't truthful, since Sam would've helped anyway, he knows Cara has to be stopped. What was his relationship with her like before she had everyone killed? Does he have any qualms about stopping her? Does he want to save her? If she succeeds in getting to Siele and Krenuo's terrible inhabitants find out, they'll all go to Siele too. but a few paragraphs ago, Sam just said those people weren't all so bad. Though a war between Krenuo and Siele scares him, what truly terrifies Sam is the thought of Cara being anywhere near his parents again. 

 

Back on Earth, Cara had a troubled relationship with her parents, who disowned her days before she was to be released from a juvenile detention center. She tried for most of her life to get her parents to accept her, but after she killed a dog under their care and they recognized her psychopathic nature, they feared her and doted only on Sam. She still envies and resents him. This backstory threw me off. Now she will chase her family all the way to Siele, but the portal is in the sky. So, she obtains a flying beast just as Sam arrives to stop her. He tries to talk her out of her quest, but she hears none of it and a fight ensues. She defeats him and starts her journey toward Siele. does she wound him? Can he die again? What is defeat for a dead person in the afterlife?

 

Sam, enraged at Cara and terrified she’ll reach his parents, decides there is no more talking. He will protect his parents at all costs. He goes after her, threatening and hurting people who hinder his way, and catches up to her just as she is about to enter Siele. A brutal fight starts between the siblings and Sam wins. 

 

Defeated, Cara explains that she wasn’t going to Siele to hurt their parents. The Crofts’ massacre had been a murder-suicide. After the most important people in her life had disowned her, Cara had killed them, then herself. Now, she was seeking a second chance in Siele. When she learned people in Siele can’t remember the bad things from their earthen lives, she had hoped up there she could finally have a happy relationship with her parents. Because they wouldn't remember her psychopathic nature or the terrible things she had done. And why did she wait so long to tell him this? 

 

It is now all over and, although he succeeded in saving Siele, Sam does not feel victorious. He feels Krenuo has broken him, as though he has lost himself to the darkness within him. 

 

He is removed from Krenuo and reunites with Ceolim who thanks him for saving Siele and explains why He deceived him: Sam had to believe he was searching for Cara of his own volition. Krenuo is Punsaum’s realm and Ceolim is not allowed to interfere. Punsaum can't find out that Ceolim breached their divine contract or a war between gods would start. When Ceolim tells Sam he's going back to Siele, Sam asks if, after all the bad things he did in Krenuo, he still belongs in Siele. Ceolim tells him that he may no longer belong in Siele but he has never deserved it more. 

 

When Sam returns to Siele, he doesn't remember ever leaving, though he feels out of place and doesn't understand why. But once he sees his parents smiling happily, he feels right back home. is his sister there now?

 

 

This sounds like a really interesting concept, but the synopsis is a little too distant from the characters, and as a result, no ones motives are clear until later when you info-dump tell them to the reader. Can you try to work some of the details in more gradually, along with Sam's personality? 



#9 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 24 July 2018 - 04:27 PM

After being brutally murdered, SAM CROFT and his parents appear in Siele, also known as heaven. They have no recollection of their deaths as CEOLIM, the God of Siele, removes any negative memories from their human lives to improve their eternal existences. Nice opening!

 

However, Sam, a kind and naive sixteen-year-old, starts regaining memories of his sister, eighteen-year-old CARA, whose existence had been wiped from his and his parents' minds. Worried about what might have happened to her after they all died, Sam searches heaven for her. He reaches a cliff where Ceolim coaxes him into jumping, assuring Cara is at the bottom and Sam need to find her. Why is Ceolim, a god, so personally involved with Sam? Also, are we supposed to get hints that Ceolim might be sinister? A little voice might help clarify this—for example, when Ceolim removes their memories is it “supposedly” to make eternity better? Or if not, that could also be clarified. So, Sam jumps. As he falls out of heaven, Sam’s missing memories return, including that of his death: Cara had their whole family murdered. Had them murdered or killed them herself? Details could make this even more exciting.

 

He falls where his sister was sent to: Krenuo, also known as hell. It is the realm of God Punsaum, a place swarming with demons and horrific monsters. Here, where ruthlessness, violence and intimidation are the greastest weapons, Sam's pacifistic and idealistic nature endangers him.  “Endangers him” feels like a bit of an understatement. Plus, details of a specific incident could be interesting here.

 

As he meets people along the way (so he’s able to wander around Hell? Is he a fugitive or are there no prisoners there?) and learns how they came to Krenuo, Sam realizes that the line between good and bad isn't always clear. Even good people could do bad things if pushed to a certain point. He promises himself Krenuo won't break him and that he'll always be someone who belongs in Siele. 

 

For a while, Sam is confused and frustrated as he doesn't understand why God coaxed him into following his murderous sister into hell. That is until he discovers that Cara is planning to go up to Siele. He realizes that Ceolim manipulated him into falling there to stop her. While Sam still doesn't understand why Ceolim wasn't truthful, since Sam would've helped anyway, he knows Cara has to be stopped. If she succeeds in getting to Siele and Krenuo's terrible inhabitants find out, they'll all go to Siele too. How is getting out of Hell so easy? In general the inhabitants of Hell seem pretty free for prisoners. The next sentence hints that Krenuo might want them to get out, which would explain a lot if you elaborated a little. Though a war between Krenuo and Siele scares him, what truly terrifies Sam is the thought of Cara being anywhere near his parents again. 

 

Back on Earth, Cara had a troubled relationship with her parents, who disowned her days before she was to be released from a juvenile detention center. She tried for most of her life to get her parents to accept her, but after she killed a dog under their care and they recognized her psychopathic nature, they feared her and doted only on Sam. She still envies and resents him. Now she will chase her family all the way to Siele, but the portal is in the sky. So, she obtains a flying beast just as Sam arrives to stop her. He tries to talk her out of her quest, but she hears none of it and a fight ensues. How does fighting work in the world of ghosts? Do they have magic powers? She defeats him and starts her journey toward Siele. 

 

Sam, enraged at Cara and terrified she’ll reach his parents, decides there is no more talking. He will protect his parents at all costs. He goes after her, threatening and hurting people who hinder his way, and catches up to her just as she is about to enter Siele. A brutal fight starts between the siblings and Sam wins. 

 

Defeated, Cara explains that she wasn’t going to Siele to hurt their parents. The Crofts’ massacre had been a murder-suicide. After the most important people in her life had disowned her, Cara had killed them, then herself. Now, she was seeking a second chance in Siele. When she learned people in Siele can’t remember the bad things from their earthen lives, she had hoped up there she could finally have a happy relationship with her parents, because they wouldn't remember her psychopathic nature or the terrible things she had done. Interesting twist.

 

It is now all over and, although he succeeded in saving Siele, Sam does not feel victorious. He feels Krenuo has broken him, as though he has lost himself to the darkness within him. Since this is such an important plot point, it would be interesting to see what bad things he actually does.

 

He is removed from Krenuo and reunites with Ceolim who thanks him for saving Siele and explains why He deceived him: Sam had to believe he was searching for Cara of his own volition. Krenuo is Punsaum’s realm and Ceolim is not allowed to interfere. Punsaum can't find out that Ceolim breached their divine contract or a war between gods would start. When Ceolim tells Sam he's going back to Siele, Sam asks if, after all the bad things he did in Krenuo, he still belongs in Siele. Ceolim tells him that he may no longer belong in Siele but he has never deserved it more. 

 

When Sam returns to Siele, he doesn't remember ever leaving, though he feels out of place and doesn't understand why. But once he sees his parents smiling happily, he feels right back home. 

 

Overall, I felt like the query did a great job of showing Sam’s character arc. The plot arc of what physically happens was less clear (Sam’s fall into darkness was a bit glossed over.) The world-building was in the middle: I had no trouble understanding it but sometimes wanted a little more detail, especially because a Hell full of battling ghosts sounded interesting.

Good luck! This sounds like a very interesting take on the afterlife.

A link to my synopsis is below.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fantasy, Young Adult

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