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YA Fantasy -- Krenuo' Children

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#1 W.P.

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Posted 05 May 2018 - 02:28 AM

Chapter 0 

 

The Crofts were caged in their dining room. Curtains drawn. Windows locked. The thick walls trapped their cries inside. 

Sam Croft sat at the dining table as he fought against the rope that bound him to the chair. He was wheezing, sweating, tears fogging his vision. His family were but blurred figures across the table. They wriggled in their seats and pleaded through duct taped lips. 

“Make it quick,” a voice ordered. 

A knife rose in the air, tip aimed at Sam. He shook his head pleadingly. Heartbeat thundering. Hot tears pouring. 

The blade came hurtling down. 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1 

 

When Sam opened his eyes, he did not see the wrinkled sheets of his bed or the blue ceiling of his bedroom. Instead, he saw a sky unlike any other. 

Painted in pale magenta, the sky was oddly clear, devoid of clouds, sun or moon. 

Sam sat up, baffled. A meadow surrounded him, flecked with flowers and bustling with people. A pack of dogs bounded past him and his eyes narrowed; he recognized one of them. Small and tawny, it tore through a flower bed. It was his dog Cupcake. 

Sam clasped the grass, as if the world tilted beneath him. “Where am I?” 

“Siele, dear.” 

Startled, he turned around. 

An old woman in a beige tunic sat on her heels, flowers scattered across her lap. As she intertwined stems and leaves into a flower crown, she smiled and said, “You’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you, Sammy.” 



#2 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 05 May 2018 - 12:18 PM

 

Chapter 0 You mean prolouge? Although, I do like how Chapter 0 looks...

 

The Crofts were caged in their dining room. Curtains drawn. Windows locked. The thick walls trapped their cries inside. 

Sam Croft sat at the dining table as he fought against the rope that bound him to the chair. He was wheezing, sweating, tears fogging his vision. His family were but blurred figures across the table. They wriggled in their seats and pleaded through duct taped lips. 

“Make it quick,” a voice ordered. 

A knife rose in the air, tip aimed at Sam. He shook his head pleadingly. Heartbeat thundering. Hot tears pouring. 

The blade came hurtling down. 

 Okay, so I had a peek at your query letter so I had some context as to what this story is about.  Although I find this opening intriguing, it is rather short for a prolouge.  I feel like you could just start the story with him in heaven wondering what's going on, and just intergrate this into the first few pages.  But I do like this also, so do whatever you feel is best for your story :)

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1 

 

When Sam opened his eyes, he did not see the wrinkled sheets of his bed or the blue ceiling of his bedroom. Instead, he saw a sky unlike any other. 

Painted in pale magenta, the sky was oddly clear, devoid of clouds, sun or moon. Agents are not fond of doing a waking opening.  I made the mistake of starting my story this way, and when it was pointed out, I googled the horror stories.  Agents hate it.  Some of them reject on an opening alone.  Although, since this literally starts with him waking up in heaven, I do like it.  There's mystery.  There's intrigue.

Sam sat up, baffled. A meadow surrounded him, flecked with flowers and bustling with people. A pack of dogs bounded past him and his eyes narrowed; he recognized one of them. Small and tawny, it tore through a flower bed. It was his dog Cupcake. Okay, so that being said with the wakeup, I feel you could start your story right here with this paragraph instead.

Sam clasped the grass, as if the world tilted beneath him. “Where am I?” 

“Siele, dear.” 

Startled, he turned around. 

An old woman in a beige tunic sat on her heels, flowers scattered across her lap. As she intertwined stems and leaves into a flower crown, she smiled and said, “You’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you, Sammy.” 

 

 

So I have nothing to offer wording or grammar wise.  This is well written, and I'm intrigued and I enjoyed it.  However, you can see my beef with "the wakeup".  Like I said, if you started the story just with him sitting up and looking around and describing the magenta sky, I think that's a fine place to start, and is still disorienting.



#3 W.P.

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 02:35 AM

So I have nothing to offer wording or grammar wise.  This is well written, and I'm intrigued and I enjoyed it.  However, you can see my beef with "the wakeup".  Like I said, if you started the story just with him sitting up and looking around and describing the magenta sky, I think that's a fine place to start, and is still disorienting.

 

 

Thank you for the feedback, DisgruntledWriter! :)

 

That is actually something I feared. A novel starting with a character waking up is a huge cliche and many agents (and readers) are quite tired of it. And I understand why. Most of the times those stories start that way, not because that's the natural starting point, but because it's an easy way to show the character's every day life. Although mine isn't one of those starts, agents might not read far enough to know that. Which truly worries me.

 

So I like your idea of Sam sitting up as a beginning action. But then there's the question: how did he get there. If I show him waking up, then they know Sam was "unconscious" on his way to heaven. But I could try to "show" Sam sitting up and "tell" the waking up part. But then it could feel like a flashback to just moments ago, which might be weird. I'll have to find a way to avoid starting with the waking up part.

 

Again, thanks so much for the feedback! I truly appreciate it. :)



#4 W.P.

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 03:54 AM

((changed it so the story doesn't start with the protagonist waking up))

 

 

Chapter 0 

 

The Crofts were caged in their dining room. Curtains drawn. Windows locked. The thick walls trapped their cries inside. 

Sam Croft sat at the dining table as he fought against the rope that bound him to the chair. He was wheezing, sweating, tears fogging his vision. His family were but blurred figures across the table. They wriggled in their seats and pleaded through duct taped lips. 

“Make it quick,” a voice ordered. 

A knife rose in the air, tip aimed at Sam. He shook his head pleadingly. Heartbeat thundering. Hot tears pouring. 

The blade came hurtling down. 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1 

 

 

Above Sam sprawled a sky unlike any other. Painted in pale magenta, the sky was oddly clear, devoid of clouds, sun or moon. 

He sat up, baffled. Where am I? 

A meadow surrounded him, flecked with flowers and bustling with people. A pack of dogs bounded past him and his eyes narrowed; he recognized one of them. Small and tawny, it tore through a flower bed. It was his dog Cupcake. 

Sam clasped the grass, as if the world tilted beneath him. How did I get here?  

All he could remember was the whole world turning white, bright and warm like sunlight, then suddenly he was lying here in the cool grass. 

He gaped at the strange magenta sky. “Where am I?” 

“Siele, dear.” 

Startled, Sam turned around. 

An old woman in a beige tunic sat on her heels, flowers scattered across her lap. As she intertwined stems and leaves into a flower crown, she smiled and said, “You’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you, Sammy.” 



#5 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 06 May 2018 - 03:07 PM

 

((changed it so the story doesn't start with the protagonist waking up))

 

 

Chapter 0 

 

The Crofts were caged in their dining room. Curtains drawn. Windows locked. The thick walls trapped their cries inside. 

Sam Croft sat at the dining table as he fought against the rope that bound him to the chair. He was wheezing, sweating, tears fogging his vision. His family were but blurred figures across the table. They wriggled in their seats and pleaded through duct taped lips. 

“Make it quick,” a voice ordered. 

A knife rose in the air, tip aimed at Sam. He shook his head pleadingly. Heartbeat thundering. Hot tears pouring. 

The blade came hurtling down. 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1 

 

 

Above Sam sprawled a sky unlike any other. Painted in pale magenta, the sky was oddly clear, devoid of clouds, sun or moon. 

He sat up, baffled. Where am I? After reading the whole thing through, since he asks this aloud later, you cold omit this. 

A meadow surrounded him, flecked with flowers and bustling with people. A pack of dogs bounded past him and his eyes narrowed; he recognized one of them. Small and tawny, it tore through a flower bed. It was his dog Cupcake. 

Sam clasped the grass, as if the world tilted beneath him. How did I get here?  

All he could remember was the whole world turning white, bright and warm like sunlight, then suddenly he was lying here in the cool grass. 

He gaped at the strange magenta sky. Small thing, but you already had the magenta sky above, which paints a very unique, vivid picture.  Using it here again sort of ruins that. “Where am I?” 

“Siele, dear.” 

Startled, Sam turned around. 

An old woman in a beige tunic sat on her heels, flowers scattered across her lap. As she intertwined stems and leaves into a flower crown, she smiled and said, “You’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you, Sammy.” 

 

 

I think you've managed to take out the wake up opening successfully.  You could even omit the bit you added about the world turning white, and just have him in the field, like when you're in a dream, and suddenly the scene changes but you don't remember HOW the scene changed.  But, I don't know exactly how people get to heaven in your story, so maybe that won't work.



#6 W.P.

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 02:21 AM

Thanks so much for the feedback! :D
I’ll revise so that “magenta sky” and “where am I” aren’t repeated.
And I forgot to mention the first time around, but Chapter 0 is another way of saying “prologue,” except agents hate prologues. So saying “Chapter 0” is a way to keep them from hating my guts. xD And the only reason why I keep the prologue is to set the tone for the rest of the novel. And so that readers understand that Sam isnkt in a dream (many have assumed that because it’s such a common way of starting stories).
Anyway, thanks so much again for the feedback!

#7 W.P.

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 02:26 AM

((most recent version))

 

Chapter 0 

 

The Crofts were caged in their dining room. Curtains drawn. Windows locked. The thick walls trapped their cries inside. 

Sam Croft sat at the dining table as he fought against the rope that bound him to the chair. He was wheezing, sweating, tears fogging his vision. His family were but blurred figures across the table. They wriggled in their seats and pleaded through duct taped lips. 

“Make it quick,” a voice ordered. 

A knife rose in the air, tip aimed at Sam. He shook his head pleadingly. Heartbeat thundering. Hot tears pouring. 

The blade came hurtling down. 

 

 

 

Chapter 1  

 

Sam sat up, baffled, ogling at the sky. 

It was a sky unlike any other, painted in pale magenta and oddly clear, devoid of clouds, sun or moon. 

Where am I? 

He gaped around him, taking in the unfamiliar meadow, flecked with flowers and bustling with people. A pack of dogs bounded past him and his eyes narrowed; he recognized one of them. Small and tawny, it tore through a flower bed. It was his dog Cupcake. 

Sam clasped the grass, as if the world tilted beneath him. How did I get here?  

All he remembered was the whole world turning white, bright and warm like sunlight, then suddenly he was lying here in the cool grass. 

He stared at the strange sky. “What’s this place?” 

“Siele, dear.” 

Startled, Sam turned around. 

An old woman in a beige tunic sat on her heels, flowers scattered across her lap. As she intertwined stems and leaves into a flower crown, she smiled and said, “You’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you, Sammy.” 



#8 punitrastogi

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 02:34 AM

 

((most recent version))

 

Chapter 0 

 

The Crofts were caged in their dining room. Curtains drawn. Windows locked. The thick walls trapped their cries inside. 

Sam Croft sat at the dining table as he fought against the rope that bound him to the dining chair. He was wheezing, sweating, tears fogging his vision (This sentence is constructed a bit awkwardly. But that might just be me) . His family were but blurred figures across the table. They wriggled in their seats and pleaded(To whom? "to someone" might complete the sentence while keeping the mystery. Also, how does he know they were pleading?) through duct taped lips.

 

“Make it quick,” a voice ordered. 

A knife rose in the air, its tip aimed at Sam. He shook his head pleadingly (how do you shake your head pleadingly?). Heartbeat thundering. Hot tears pouring.

The blade came hurtling down. 

 

 

 

Chapter 1  

 

Sam sat up, baffled, ogling at the sky. 

            It was a sky unlike any other, painted in pale magenta and oddly clear, devoid of clouds, sun or, moon or any stars(Just a suggestion. Don't forget the stars. Also, is the place dark or illuminated? an optional detail)

 

Where am I? 

He gaped around him, taking in the unfamiliar meadow, flecked with flowers and bustling with people. A pack of dogs bounded past him and his eyes narrowed; he recognized one of them. Small and tawny, it tore through a flower bed. It was his dog Cupcake. 

Sam clasped the grass (I did not know that he was sitting on a grass-bed), as if the world tilted beneath him. How did I get here?  

All he remembered was the whole world turning white,(are you breaking the sentence flow here?) bright and warm like sunlight (if not, i would suggest replacing sunlight with the Sun), then suddenly (A lesson I have learnt and trying to implement in my MS - avoid the word "suddenly") he was lying here in the cool grass. 

He stared at the strange sky. “What' is this place?” 

“Siele, dear.” 

Startled, Sam turned around. 

An old woman in a beige tunic sat on her heels, flowers scattered across her lap. As she intertwined stems and leaves into a flower crown, she smiled and said, “You’ve grown so much since the last time I saw you, Sammy.” 

 

Brilliant and to-the-point opening.

 

Hope my inputs help.

 

Please do have a look at my 250 as well :)







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