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Right on Cue - Adult Romance

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#1 hkral11

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 05:13 PM

Third Version

 

There’s nothing easy about being plus-sized in show business. Katie Frazier is tired of playing the friend, the mother, maid, or Fish #3. She wants to star in her very first leading role, and the new play looking for a curvy, funny girl is perfect for her.  There’s only one problem, she’ll be working with Elliot Quintanilla, and in their last show she overheard him insulting her full figure modeling work. Since then, Katie wants nothing to do with Elliot or his cocky attitude.

 

Elliot needs to rehab his reputation fast. He was a rising star in the musical theater world before a bad breakup and a worse stint on the road stalled his career. This play isn’t his usual style, but he’ll take what he can get if it means he gets a second chance to prove he can manage his ego- both to casting directors and to Katie. Of course, she’ll need to stop glaring at him during rehearsals if anyone is going to buy them as romantic leads.

 

Somewhere between rehearsing kissing scenes and dancing in his living room, Katie goes from wanting Elliot to fall off the stage, to falling for him. Can she trust him not to revert to his old ways and hurt her again? Elliot will need to convince Katie that he’s worthy of being her leading man forever before the play ends and they go their separate ways.

 

 

Second version

 

Dear AGENT NAME,

 

There’s nothing easy about being plus-sized in show business. Katie Frazier is tired of playing the friend, the mother, maid, or Fish #3. She wants to star in her very first leading role, and the new play looking for a curvy, funny girl is perfect for her.  There’s only one problem, she’ll be working with Elliot the Jerk.

 

Elliot Quintanilla needs to rehab his reputation fast. He was a rising star in the musical theater world before a bad breakup and a worse stint on the road stalled his career. This play isn’t his usual style, but he’ll take what he can get if it means he gets a second chance to prove he can manage his temper- both to casting directors and to Katie. Of course, she’ll need to stop glaring at him during rehearsals if anyone is going to buy them as romantic leads.

 

In their last show, Katie thought she overheard Elliot insulting her full figure, but now he seems completely different. The one-on-one rehearsal time brings out a kinder, sweet side of Elliot, one who loves opera and dances with her in his living room. When Katie goes from wanting Elliot to fall off the stage, to falling for him, she doesn’t know what to do. Can she trust him not to revert to his old ways and hurt her even more now that she has feelings for him? Elliot will need to convince Katie that he’s worthy of being her leading man forever before the play ends and they go their separate ways.

 

RIGHT ON CUE is a contemporary romance complete at 73,000 words. It is an enemies-to-lovers story, combining the theater world of Lucy Parker’s books with the drama of THE HATING GAME.

 

I am a librarian, a book reviewer for All About Romance, and I am a current member of the Romance Writers of America. My short stories have been featured in “The Penmen Review”, “Quantum Fairy Tales”, and Wild Horses: The Women on Fire Collection. I have an MA in English and Creative Writing from Southern New Hampshire University.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

 

 

Original Version

 

Okay this is my first draft for the query of my adult contemporary romance and I am interested to hear feedback. Thank you in advance! If you'd like me to take a look at yours, please let me know! 

 

Dear AGENT NAME,

 

Falling on her face during the biggest audition of her life wasn’t what Katie Frazier rehearsed, but it worked.

 

There’s nothing easy about being plus-sized in show business. Katie is tired of playing the friend, the mother, maid, or Fish #3. She wants to star in her very first leading role, and the new play looking for a curvy, funny girl is perfect for her. The paycheck could get her parents off her back about getting a real job. There’s only one problem, she’ll be working with Elliot the jerk.

 

Elliot Quintanilla needs to rehab his reputation fast. He was a rising star in the musical theater world before a bad breakup and a worse stint on the road stalled his career. This play isn’t his usual style, but he’ll take what he can get if it means he gets a second chance to prove he isn’t a total jerk - both to casting directors and to Katie. Of course, she’ll need to stop glaring at him during rehearsals if anyone is going to buy them as romantic leads.

 

When Katie goes from wanting Elliot to fall into the orchestra pit, to falling for him, she doesn’t know what to do. If fighting with a castmate felt unprofessional, sleeping with one definitely is.  Dating her costar could risk her breakout moment and disappoint her parents. Katie will need to decide whether to play it safe, or risk it all to have Elliot as her leading man forever.

 

RIGHT ON CUE is a contemporary romance complete at 73,000 words. It is an enemies-to-lovers story, combining the theater world of Lucy Parker’s books with the drama of THE HATING GAME. (Potential personalization to agent here)

 

I am a librarian, a book reviewer for All About Romance, and I am a current member of the Romance Writers of America. My short stories have been featured in “The Penmen Review”, “Quantum Fairy Tales”, and Wild Horses: The Women on Fire Collection. I have an MA in English and Creative Writing from Southern New Hampshire University.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#2 RosieSkye

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Posted 07 May 2018 - 07:54 PM

Okay this is my first draft for the query of my adult contemporary romance and I am interested to hear feedback. Thank you in advance! If you'd like me to take a look at yours, please let me know! 

 

Dear AGENT NAME,

 

Falling on her face during the biggest audition of her life wasn’t what Katie Frazier rehearsed, but it worked. (I'd find a hook that more directly relates to the romantic angle of your story.) 

 

There’s nothing easy about being plus-sized in show business. Katie is tired of playing the friend, the mother, maid, or Fish #3. She wants to star in her very first leading role, and the new play looking for a curvy, funny girl is perfect for her. The paycheck could get her parents off her back about getting a real job. There’s only one problem, she’ll be working with Elliot the jerk. (I'd capitalize "jerk" since you're playing it as his nickname.)

 

Elliot Quintanilla needs to rehab his reputation fast. He was a rising star in the musical theater world before a bad breakup and a worse stint on the road stalled his career. This play isn’t his usual style, but he’ll take what he can get if it means he gets a second chance to prove he isn’t a total jerk (You've already used this word) - both to casting directors and to Katie. Of course, she’ll need to stop glaring at him during rehearsals if anyone is going to buy them as romantic leads. (Why would how they treat each other during rehearsals affect how they're perceived by audiences?  Aren't they good actors?)

 

When Katie goes from wanting Elliot to fall into the orchestra pit, to falling for him, she doesn’t know what to do. (This feels like a huge jump. What makes her change her mind about him?) If fighting with a castmate felt unprofessional, sleeping with one definitely is.  Dating her costar could risk her breakout moment and disappoint her parents. Katie will need to decide whether to play it safe, or risk it all to have Elliot as her leading man forever. (Actors get together in real life all the time, and I'd think that being a real-life couple would be a boon for their onstage chemistry, and good publicity. Elaborate on why their getting together is such a problem.)

 

RIGHT ON CUE is a contemporary romance complete at 73,000 words. It is an enemies-to-lovers story, combining combines the theater world of Lucy Parker’s books with the drama of THE HATING GAME. (Potential personalization to agent here)

 

I am a librarian, a book reviewer for All About Romance, and I am a current member of the Romance Writers of America. My short stories have been featured in “The Penmen Review”, “Quantum Fairy Tales”, and Wild Horses: The Women on Fire Collection. I have an MA in English and Creative Writing from Southern New Hampshire University.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

Good luck!



#3 W.P.

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Posted 08 May 2018 - 08:46 AM

Falling on her face during the biggest audition of her life wasn’t what Katie Frazier rehearsed, but it worked. ((made me chuckle. great opening line!))

There’s nothing easy about being plus-sized in show business. Katie is tired of playing the friend, the mother, maid, or Fish #3. She wants to star in her very first leading role, and the new play looking for a curvy, funny girl is perfect for her. The paycheck could get her parents off her back about getting a real job. There’s only one problem, she’ll be working with Elliot the jerk.


Elliot Quintanilla needs to rehab his reputation fast. He was a rising star in the musical theater world before a bad breakup and a worse stint on the road stalled his career. This play isn’t his usual style, but he’ll take what he can get if it means he gets a second chance to prove he isn’t a total jerk - both to casting directors and to Katie. Of course, she’ll need to stop glaring at him during rehearsals if anyone is going to buy them as romantic leads.


When Katie goes from wanting Elliot to fall into the orchestra pit, to falling for him, ((not sure this is working for me. reads a bit awkwardly. "to fall into the orchestra pit" might be a bit too long. There might be other ways of using the verb "fall" that are shorter and "punchier".)))) she doesn’t know what to do. If fighting with a castmate felt unprofessional, sleeping with one definitely is. Dating her costar could risk her breakout moment and disappointing her parents. Katie will need to decide whether to play it safe, or risk it all to have Elliot as her leading man forever. ((this sentence doesn't ahem the same "punch" and "excitement" the rest of you query has. and you query is SO good. so much fun! but this last sentence isn't doing it justice.))

RIGHT ON CUE is a contemporary romance complete at 73,000 words. It is an enemies-to-lovers story, combining the theater world of Lucy Parker’s books with the drama of THE HATING GAME. (Potential personalization to agent here)




What an awesome query! I still think you can tweak here and there to really make it pop! I hope some of it can be of help.
Also, if you have time, could you please take a look at my query as well:
http://agentquerycon...-fantasy/page-2

#4 alsilas

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Posted 08 May 2018 - 09:54 PM

Okay this is my first draft for the query of my adult contemporary romance and I am interested to hear feedback. Thank you in advance! If you'd like me to take a look at yours, please let me know! 

 

Dear AGENT NAME,

 

Falling on her face during the biggest audition of her life wasn’t what Katie Frazier rehearsed, but it worked. (I really like this opening line. It catches my attention and gets me interested in the story. It feels a little disconnected though because the next paragraph is about how she wants to star in the play which seems like we're going backward on the timeline. I think it's a great opener, so maybe reword the next paragraph so it's a little more connected.)

 

There’s nothing easy about being plus-sized in show business. Katie is tired of playing the friend, the mother, maid, or Fish #3. She wants to star in her very first leading role, and the new play looking for a curvy, funny girl is perfect for her. The paycheck could get her parents off her back about getting a real job. There’s only one problem, she’ll be working with Elliot the jJerk.

 

Elliot Quintanilla needs to rehab his reputation fast. He was a rising star in the musical theater world before a bad breakup and a worse stint on the road stalled his career. This play isn’t his usual style, but he’ll take what he can get if it means he gets a second chance to prove he isn’t a total jerk (Why does he have a reputation for being a jerk? Does he care that people think he's a jerk because he's not actually a jerk or because it's hurting his career?) - both to casting directors and to Katie. (Why does he care what Katie thinks of him? Is it just because they'll be working together and it's not fun to work with someone who hates you, or is there some other reason?) Of course, she’ll need to stop glaring at him during rehearsals if anyone is going to buy them as romantic leads.

 

When Katie goes from wanting Elliot to fall into the orchestra pit, to falling for him, she doesn’t know what to do. If fighting with a castmate felt unprofessional, sleeping with one definitely is.  Dating her costar could risk her breakout moment and disappoint her parents. Katie will need to decide whether to play it safe, or risk it all to have Elliot as her leading man forever.

 

RIGHT ON CUE is a contemporary romance complete at 73,000 words. It is an enemies-to-lovers story, combining the theater world of Lucy Parker’s books with the drama of THE HATING GAME. (Potential personalization to agent here)

 

I am a librarian, a book reviewer for All About Romance, and I am a current member of the Romance Writers of America. My short stories have been featured in “The Penmen Review”, “Quantum Fairy Tales”, and Wild Horses: The Women on Fire Collection. I have an MA in English and Creative Writing from Southern New Hampshire University.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I think this is a great query! Keeping in mind the brevity required in a query letter, it might be helpful to have a little more information about Elliot and Kate's backstory. It seems like they might know each other from a past encounter, but it's not clear. Does Kate hate Elliot just because of his reputation? How did Elliot get that reputation? Why does Elliot care what Kate thinks of him? I think the voice in the query is great and very engaging, but a little more info might flesh the characters out and their relationship and draw the reading agent in. Good luck!



#5 jpfranco

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Posted 11 May 2018 - 10:34 AM

Posted 07 May 2018 - 06:13 PM

Okay this is my first draft for the query of my adult contemporary romance and I am interested to hear feedback. Thank you in advance! If you'd like me to take a look at yours, please let me know! 

 

Dear AGENT NAME,

 

Falling on her face during the biggest audition of her life wasn’t what Katie Frazier rehearsed, but it worked.

 

There’s nothing easy about being plus-sized in show business. Katie is tired of playing the friend, the mother, maid, or Fish #3. She wants to star in her very first leading role, and the new play looking for a curvy, funny girl is perfect for her. The paycheck could get her parents off her back about getting a real job. There’s only one problem, she’ll be working with Elliot the jerkThis sounds a little childish to me

 

Elliot Quintanilla needs to rehab his reputation fast. He was a rising star in the musical theater world before a bad breakup and a worse stint on the road stalled his career. This play isn’t his usual style, but he’ll take what he can get if it means he gets a second chance to prove he isn’t a total jerk - both to casting directors and to Katie. Of course, she’ll need to stop glaring at him during rehearsals if anyone is going to buy them as romantic leads.

I don't get a feeling at all here for why he has a reputation for being a jerk. It really just sounds like he's had a hard time. And why does he care what Katie thinks of him? 

 

 

When Katie goes from wanting Elliot to fall into the orchestra pit, to falling for him, I like this line, it's a great way to illustrate the change in her feelings. she doesn’t know what to do. If fighting with a castmate felt unprofessional, sleeping with one definitely is.  Dating her costar could risk her breakout moment and disappoint her parentsWe get the idea already that being unprofessional could risk her career. How important are her parents in this? There's such a limit on what you can get into a query that sometimes you have to cut out even important characters.  Katie will need to decide whether to play it safe, or risk it all to have Elliot as her leading man forever. I don't have any idea why she changes her mind about him. Even just a hint would be good. 

 

RIGHT ON CUE is a contemporary romance complete at 73,000 words. It is an enemies-to-lovers story, combining the theater world of Lucy Parker’s books with the drama of THE HATING GAME. (Potential personalization to agent here)

 

I am a librarian, a book reviewer for All About Romance, and I am a current member of the Romance Writers of America. My short stories have been featured in “The Penmen Review”, “Quantum Fairy Tales”, and Wild Horses: The Women on Fire Collection. I have an MA in English and Creative Writing from Southern New Hampshire University.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

These are, of course, merely my personal opinions. I'm glad to see a query on here that's not fantasy, trying to make sense of those queries gives me a headache. I do love a story where the lead female is not society's idea of perfection. Thanks for putting this out here. Good luck!  

 

Here's mine, if you are inclined to return the favor. http://agentquerycon...-adult-romance/



#6 smithgirl

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Posted 11 May 2018 - 02:03 PM

Dear AGENT NAME,

 

 

Falling on her face during the biggest audition of her life wasn’t what Katie Frazier rehearsed, but it worked. I really like this hook, but after reading the rest of the query, it seems completely unrelated to the story.

 

There’s nothing easy about being plus-sized in show business. Katie is tired of playing the friend, the mother, maid, or Fish #3. She wants to star in her very first leading role, and the new play looking for a curvy, funny girl is perfect for her. The paycheck could get her parents off her back about getting a real job. There’s only one problem, she’ll be working with Elliot the Jerk.

 

Elliot Quintanilla needs to rehab his reputation fast. He was a rising star in the musical theater world before a bad breakup and a worse stint on the road stalled his career. This play isn’t his usual style, but he’ll take what he can get if it means he gets a second chance to prove he isn’t a total jerk -- both to casting directors and to Katie. Of course, she’ll need to stop glaring at him during rehearsals if anyone is going to buy them as romantic leads. I don't see who having a bad breakup hurt his reputation. What did he do that makes him a jerk? There's nothing here showing that. Also, this paragraph is a total change in POV. You should try to keep Katie's POV for the query.

 

When Katie goes from wanting Elliot to fall into the orchestra pit, to falling for him, she doesn’t know what to do. This is fun. :-)  If fighting with a castmate felt unprofessional, sleeping with one definitely is.  Dating her costar could risk her breakout momentand disappoint her parents. Why do her parents care?Why is it really important here? I think you can cut the parents from the query. Katie will need to decide whether to play it safe, or risk it all to have Elliot as her leading man forever. She can't just wait until after the play is over to go for him?

 

RIGHT ON CUE is a contemporary romance complete at 73,000 words. It is an enemies-to-lovers story, combining the theater world of Lucy Parker’s books with the drama of THE HATING GAME. (Potential personalization to agent here)

 

I am a librarian, a book reviewer for All About Romance, and I am a current member of the Romance Writers of America. My short stories have been featured in “The Penmen Review”, “Quantum Fairy Tales”, and Wild Horses: The Women on Fire Collection. I have an MA in English and Creative Writing from Southern New Hampshire University.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

The overall story of your query is very clear, I just think you need to do a few things:

1. Write a new hook that's more relevant.

2. Show us why Elliot is a jerk.

3. Also, I thin you can cut the parents from the query; not essential to the story.

 

Your query is well written and has a nice voice. Good job! Can you please look at my long-suffering query when you can? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...uery-critiques/



#7 hkral11

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Posted 16 May 2018 - 10:30 PM

Thank you everyone! I have posted a revised version above where I tried to add some detail about their history and the development of their relationship. Let me know if that works better. I also took at the first line because, even though people like it, almost everyone thought it stuck out too much. 

 

Everyone that asked for reciprocal feedback, I will try to look at yours in the next couple of days!  :smile:



#8 rhwashere

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Posted 17 May 2018 - 03:10 PM

New version

 

Dear AGENT NAME,

 

There’s nothing easy about being plus-sized in show business. Katie Frazier is tired of playing the friend, the mother, maid, or Fish #3. (Nice) She wants to star in her very first leading role, and the new play looking for a curvy, funny girl is perfect for her.  There’s only one problem, she’ll be working with Elliot the Jerk.

 

Elliot Quintanilla needs to rehab his reputation fast. He was a rising star in the musical theater world before a bad breakup and a worse stint on the road stalled his career. This play isn’t his usual style, but he’ll take what he can get if it means he gets a second chance to prove he can manage his temper- both to casting directors and to Katie (Why, at this point when they're supposed to be enemies, does Elliot care about proving himself to Katie?). Of course, she’ll need to stop glaring at him during rehearsals if anyone is going to buy them as romantic leads.

 

In their last show, Katie thought she overheard Elliot insulting her full figure, but now he seems completely different. The one-on-one rehearsal time brings out a kinder, sweet side of Elliot, one who loves opera and dances with her in his living room. When Katie goes from wanting Elliot to fall off the stage, to falling for him, she doesn’t know what to do. Can she trust him not to revert to his old ways and hurt her even more now that she has feelings for him(That last part was a little clunky and was already implied earlier) Elliot will need to convince Katie that he’s worthy of being her leading man forever before the play ends and they go their separate ways.

 

RIGHT ON CUE is a contemporary romance complete at 73,000 words. It is an enemies-to-lovers story (I don't get the enemies bit from this query. I get that she thinks he's a jerk, but I don't really have any reason why other than a comment she thought she overheard. Is there any way you can show him being a jerk instead of telling us? That will make his turnaround more interesting.), combining the theater world of Lucy Parker’s books with the drama of THE HATING GAME.

 

I am a librarian, a book reviewer for All About Romance, and I am a current member of the Romance Writers of America. My short stories have been featured in “The Penmen Review”, “Quantum Fairy Tales”, and Wild Horses: The Women on Fire Collection. I have an MA in English and Creative Writing from Southern New Hampshire University.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

It's not a bad premise and not a bad query letter, but it doesn't quite have the enemies-to-lovers feel that I think you're going for. I think if you elaborate a bit on Elliot's motivations, that will improve the query significantly.

 

If you have a chance, would you take a look at my query? The link is in the signature.


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#9 hkral11

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Posted 17 May 2018 - 10:43 PM

I had time to fiddle with this today so I changed it up to a newer version. I'm still struggling to come up with a punchier final line. 







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