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Hook for #pitdark, dark fantasy


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#1 Gruffbane

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Posted 09 May 2018 - 05:54 PM

Trapped on an isle in SE Asia where diminutive hominids fight giant lizards, rocs, and cannibals, Fayjar must get home to save his sister from sacrifice, but earning passage means choosing between encroaching civilization and an ancient peoples' fate #Pitdark #DF



#2 Nessa

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Posted 10 May 2018 - 11:49 PM

This is too bulky. You introduce a lot: trapped on an isle; diminutive hominids (dwarfs? I'm not sure what this is referring to); giant lizards, rocs (what are these?), and cannibals; family is starving; passage has to be earned (what does this mean?); choice between civilization and ancient people's fate (I'm not sure how to understand this).
 
Focus on the big picture. What is the main character's goal? What is the main conflict? What are the main stakes? Don't introduce too much because you'll lose attention. 

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#3 Gruffbane

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Posted 11 May 2018 - 08:11 AM

"Dwarfs" is so fantasy trope, and usually refers to diminutive homo sapiens sapiens. These are "hobbits" in the scientific sense— Homo Lufiensis. They were all over the news 10 years ago and google still gets 10,000 hits a month looking for "Ebu Gogo," which is their mythic Indonesian name.

Rocs are giant birds from Arabian lore, mentioned in most of the stories from Arabian Nights.

 

I don't know what to do. The stakes are his life and his sister. His goal is to save his sister.  After he's marooned, the goal becomes to escape the island in order to save his sister. The main conflict is the environment and the villain—a cannibal king who's hunting them down.

 

I'm at a loss, it seems that reducing it down to only the stakes and conflict takes everything out of the story that makes it original, and leaves me with lots more room.

 

"To save his sister from sacrifice, Fayjar must hunt the giant birds of Ebu Gogo Island, but when he becomes marooned only a mysterious tribe of dwarfs can help him elude the cannibal king who tracks him." 

 

Thank you—I'll stew for a while and hopefully come up with something else.



#4 Nessa

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Posted 11 May 2018 - 06:05 PM

Have you looked through the top tweets for Twitter pitch contests? They're great examples.
 
In addition to #PitDark, try #PitMad, #DVPit, #KissPit. You might particularly find #SFFPit useful, as these people are in the same boat as you.
 
You don't have to put everything into your Tweet. Agents know there's more to the story.

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#5 Gruffbane

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Posted 14 May 2018 - 07:30 PM

Thank you!

The priest-king chooses Fayjar's sister as sacrifice to the dragon + only a bone from a giant bird can buy her freedom. But he's stuck on the roc's isle by sea serpent attack + only the help of an elf-like tribe can get him past the monsters + cannibals in his way. #pitdark #df






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