Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

The Scarfed Avenger (Fantasy) *Revision #3*


  • Please log in to reply
15 replies to this topic

#1 AstrMikeDexter

AstrMikeDexter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 10 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 09 May 2018 - 06:14 PM

Newest version.

 

 

 

Hi all,

 

I'm brand new to the forum and getting ready to start querying agents. I'm finding the query letter to be the hardest part of this process! Any suggestions or critiques are welcome.

 

I really look forward to contributing and getting to know other posters.

 

------------------

 

Dear ________,

Sometimes we feel powerless. We can feel lost and hopeless in the face of trauma and violence. But, we must rise up and be the hero we need to be in order to find our way out.

 
Marissa Caldwell has a secret power - she can move things with her mind - but she doesn't feel powerful. The scars left by her estranged mother, Claire, have made it difficult for her to find and own her strength. One evening, however, she has no choice but to find her strength and use her abilities to save a crowd of people at the mall from a gunman. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face - an act she later regrets once she's dubbed the "Scarfed Avenger" by the media - she is easily recognized by her mother from the security footage that has gone viral.
 
Claire contacts Marissa and offers to help bury the growing story but Marissa rebukes her. She soon realizes that Claire is willing to do anything to worm her way back into her daughter's life - things Marissa didn't think were possible. As a result, it doesn't take long for Marissa to lose her resolve around her mother. The exact reason for their estrangement is muddled to Marissa but she finds herself neglecting the very real fears that drove her away from Claire all those years ago. Much to the dismay of those closest to her, Marissa begins to repair the fractured relationship with her mother.
 
Something isn't right, though. The closer she gets to Claire, the more Marissa finds herself growing leery of the life that her mother has built for herself, including the superpowered friends that Claire now chooses to call her family. In order to piece her life back together, Marissa is forced to confront the dark terrors of her past and the superpowered enemies she's made in the present.
 
Thank you for your consideration. My completed 85,000 word fantasy manuscript, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included __________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.
 
Sincerely,

Any help with my query would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!


#2 morgan.spraker

morgan.spraker

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 47 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 09 May 2018 - 06:36 PM

Too

Hi all,

 

I'm brand new to the forum and getting ready to start querying agents. I'm finding the query letter to be the hardest part of this process! Any suggestions or critiques are welcome.

 

I really look forward to contributing and getting to know other posters.

 

------------------

 

Dear ________,

Sometimes we feel powerless. We can feel lost and hopeless in the face of trauma and violence. But, we must rise up and be the hero we need to be in order to find our way outAlways start with your main character
 
Marissa Caldwell has a secret power - use an em dash rather than hyphens she can move things with her mind - but she doesn't feel powerful. The scars left by her estranged mother, Claire, have made it difficult for her to find and own her strength. One evening, however, she has no choice but to find her strength and use her abilities to save a crowd of people at the mall from a gunman. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face - an act she later regrets once she's dubbed the "Scarfed Avenger" by the media - she is easily recognized by her mother from the security footage that has gone viral. This first paragraph feels like a synopsis rather than a hook. Remember, you should establish stakes, conflict, and personality
 
Claire contacts Marissa and offers to help bury the growing story but Marissa rebukes her. She soon realizes that Claire is willing to do anything to worm her way back into her daughter's life - things Marissa didn't think were possible. As a result, it doesn't take long for Marissa to lose her resolve around her mother. The exact reason for their estrangement is muddled to Marissa but she finds herself neglecting the very real fears that drove her away from Claire all those years ago. Much to the dismay of those closest to her, Marissa begins to repair the fractured relationship with her mother. Too much backstory in this paragraph
 
Something isn't right, though. The closer she gets to Claire, the more Marissa finds herself growing leery of the life that her mother has built for herself, including the superpowered friends that Claire now chooses to call her family. In order to piece her life back together, Marissa is forced to confront the dark terrors of her past feels cliche to me and the superpowered enemies she's made in the present.
 
Thank you for your consideration. My completed 85,000 word fantasy manuscript is it YA? If so, mention that, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. Do you have comps? Just a suggestion for one, this reminds me of Marissa Meyer's RENEGADES I have included __________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.
 
Sincerely,

 

Hey! So I think you have an interesting story here, but it reads more like a synopsis rather than a query letter (trust me, that's a problem I had with mine, too). Make sure you establish stakes and conflict right away, then follow with the catchiest parts of your story. You should give just enough information to make it tantalizing for the agent and save the rest for the synopsis. If you don't mind, would you take a look at my query?

http://agentquerycon...-of-alexandria/



#3 JChristian

JChristian

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 30 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS South

Posted 09 May 2018 - 10:36 PM

Gonna be honest and say that the title 'The Scarfed Avenger' doesn't really grab me, unless its a children's book about a kid playing pretend, and then its not YA. Also you're running into Marvel territory with the word 'Avenger'.

 

 

>Sometimes we feel powerless. We can feel lost and hopeless in the face of trauma and violence. But, we must rise up and be the hero we need to be in order to find our way out. 

 

This is generic and rhetorical for a thesis, as it tell me nothing about this particular story. What happens when your mom says she'll kill you if she finds out you have powers, but its the only thing between you and a gunman's bullet? Relate your thesis directly to your main character, or all you have is fluff. Your main character sells the story, not the story the main character.

>
The scars left by her estranged mother 

Vague.

>
she has no choice but to find her strength and use her abilities to save a crowd of people at the mall from a gunman.

If she has no choice, then how is she a hero? She's just a victim of circumstance. The difference between a hero and a victim is that heroes make the sacrifice play willingly.

>
Claire contacts Marissa and offers to help bury the growing story but Marissa rebukes her. She soon realizes that Claire is willing to do anything to worm her way back into her daughter's life - things Marissa didn't think were possible. As a result, it doesn't take long for Marissa to lose her resolve around her mother. The exact reason for their estrangement is muddled to Marissa but she finds herself neglecting the very real fears that drove her away from Claire all those years ago. Much to the dismay of those closest to her, Marissa begins to repair the fractured relationship with her mother.

This is all synopsis, and tells me nothing about the character that is worth knowing for the purposes of a query.

>
Marissa is forced to confront the dark terrors of her past

Again, you use language that says the plot is in the driver's seat and not the character, which is passive and boring.

You have a reluctant hero that has mother issues she has to overcome in order to get from status quo to hero's journey. Make the query about that, and less about the general plot of the book. Is the mother the antagonist, or are the super-powered enemies the antagonist? You tell us far more about Claire than you do Marissa. What does Marissa stand to lose if she fails? If she succeeds? What is the end game? Give us specifics, and relate them to your MC's journey from zero to hero.

 



#4 dougp

dougp

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 9 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northwest
  • Publishing Experience:Two books, self-published and doing well.

Posted 10 May 2018 - 01:17 PM

The first line doesn't grab me. A hook should. Your second line is much more powerful.

 

I get the feeling that the real story is buried by too much angst. Is the story really about the Marissa - Claire relationship? Or is it about Marissa overcoming her past to face a new future? Claire might represent the past, but unless this is a mother-daughter story I'd suggest focusing on Marissa's power, the event that causes her to display her power and the new reality of Claire's superpowered friends.

 

A bit long. The whole thing should be in the 150-word range (or so I'm told).



#5 AstrMikeDexter

AstrMikeDexter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 10 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 11 May 2018 - 06:35 AM

This is all so very helpful! I think it helped put into perspective what a query should actually contain. I'm going to start work on revising it. Thank you!


Any help with my query would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!


#6 AstrMikeDexter

AstrMikeDexter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 10 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 12 May 2018 - 06:35 PM

I know this still needs quite a bit of work but am I heading in the right direction?

-----

 

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power -- she can move things with her mind -- but she doesn’t feel powerful. She was raised by her emotionally abusive mother, Claire, whom Marissa was all too happy to leave as soon as she was old enough. And now, all she wants is to go about her days without the constant reminder of the life she has lived.

One evening, Marissa uses her abilities to save a crowd of people at the mall from a gunman. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face -- an act she later regrets once the media starts referring to her as the Scarfed Avenger -- she is easily recognized from the security footage that has gone viral by her mother who then contacts her.

Claire claims she’s changed her ways but Marissa finds herself leery of the life that her mother has built for herself. She is surrounded by several superpowered friends who seem unusually loyal to her, striking Marissa with fear that Claire could be a bigger threat to her than before. Now Marissa has to determine whether she wants to forget her past and move on or confront it to get to the bottom of the Svengali-like hold Claire has over her powered friends.

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included ________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.

 


Any help with my query would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!


#7 smithgirl

smithgirl

    smithgirl

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 673 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, published, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 13 May 2018 - 10:01 AM

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power -- she can move things with her mind -- but she doesn’t feel powerful. This is good  She was raised by her emotionally abusive mother, Claire, whom Marissa was all too happy to leave as soon as she was old enough. And now, all she wants is to go about her days without the constant reminder of the life she has lived.  This first  sentence is long and doesn't really feel like a hook. Also, does Marissa consider her power to be a reminder? 

 

One evening, Marissa uses her abilities to save a crowd of people at the mall from a gunman. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face How can people know she is the one who did it? After all, she used her mind. -- an act she later regrets once the media starts referring to her as the Scarfed Avenger -- she is easily recognized from the security footage that has gone viral by her mother who then contacts her. This is written like it's her mother that caused the footage to go viral. You should also cut back on the em-dashes; use them sparingly. 

Claire claims she’s changed her ways but Marissa finds herself leery of the life that her mother has built for herself. She is surrounded by several superpowered friends who seem unusually loyal to her, striking Marissa with fear that Claire could be a bigger threat to her than before. Now Marissa has to determine whether she wants to forget her past and move on or confront it to get to the bottom of the Svengali-like hold Claire has over her powered friends. Why does Marissa care so much about her mother's hold on the other people? Why does she suddenly feel the need to confront this issue? And is her power somehow related to all this?

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included ________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.
 

Your story sounds interesting, but I feel like you're somehow approaching it wrong. The "power," although important, seems just kind of tossed into the story (not the you can leave it out completely). Also, the story sounds like it's mostly about Marissa overcoming her past and dealing with her mother, and I feel like the query needs to focus on that. The news story triggered something in Marissa's life and suddenly Marissa feels ready to confront her mother. This is not an easy decision. It would help to insert more emotion into the query, focus on Marissa's transformation. 

 

Like what almost always happens with queries, mine included, it feels very synopsis like right now. I think if you really focus on Marissa's feelings that could help.

 

I hope this is useful. Thanks for reviewing my query.



#8 Kjcloutier19

Kjcloutier19

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 63 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging, unagented
  • LocationCanada
  • Publishing Experience:I have had a short story published in a school anthology, but my goal now is to publish the novel I have been working on for the past couple of years.

Posted 13 May 2018 - 05:35 PM

I know this still needs quite a bit of work but am I heading in the right direction?

-----

 

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power -- she can move things with her mind -- but she doesn’t feel powerful. (I like this first sentence) She was raised by her emotionally abusive mother, Claire, whom Marissa was all too happy to leave as soon as she was old enough. And now, all she wants is to go about her days without the constant reminder of the life she has lived. (After the first sentence, this next one feels underwhelming. Try to throw some conflict in here right away)

One evening, Marissa uses her abilities to save a crowd of people at the mall (I feel like you can lose this, it makes the sentence sleeker and it's not important where it happens) from a gunman. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face -- an act she later regrets once the media starts referring to her as the Scarfed Avenger -- she is easily recognized from the security footage that has gone viral by her mother who then contacts her. (This entire paragraph is much more interesting then the the last sentence of the first one. Perhaps you can delete that one and moves these lines up, and then you can say something like "...by her mother, who she'd spent x amount of years avoiding."   Or something like that)

Claire claims she’s changed her ways but Marissa finds herself leery of the life that her mother has built for herself. She is surrounded by several superpowered friends (so is this a world where superpowers are common?) who seem unusually loyal to her, striking Marissa with fear that Claire could be a bigger threat to her than before. (How exactly is she a threat before? With her emotional abuse? What does she actually do?) Now Marissa has to determine whether she wants to forget her past and move on or confront it to get to the bottom of the Svengali-like (I think you should use a different term/word here. I had to google this to figure out what you meant, which you don't want the agent to have to do) hold Claire has over her powered friends.

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included ________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.
 

I think you have an interesting sounding story here, but I don't think the stakes are high enough. If she ditches those friends, what happens to them? Do they die? What happens if she does get closer to her mom? Will she loose her mind? And are the friend's Marissa's friends or Claire's, it's not clear. Also, I noticed that someone already mentioned to be careful about using the word Avenger in your title, and I absolutely agree. That could lead to some confusion, especially right now as the Avengers are at their all time high in popularity. That also reminds me, does she actually become a super hero with that name, or is that a one time thing? Does she actually fight crime? That's also not clear. Also, 85,000 is quite low for a fantasy novel, thought I'm not if that will hinder your chances of landing an agent. In short, I think you just have to be less vague and you're very close. Best of luck to you! 



#9 Heliagrey

Heliagrey

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 65 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Previously published with Great Potential Press.

Posted 13 May 2018 - 07:00 PM

I know this still needs quite a bit of work but am I heading in the right direction?

-----

 

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power -- she can move things with her mind -- but she doesn’t feel powerful. (I like this, but I'd axe the 'secret power'- ala, "Marissa Caldwell can move things with her mind- but she doesn't feel powerful.) She was raised by her emotionally abusive mother, Claire, whom Marissa was all too happy to leave as soon as she was old enough. And now, all she wants is to go about her days without the constant reminder of the life she has lived. (You can tighten this up, like.. "After leaving home- and her emotionally abusive mother, Claire... etc.)

One evening, (Don't need the evening detail. Maybe just say, after using her abilities to..Marissa uses her abilities to save a crowd of people at the mall from a gunman. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face -- an act she later regrets once the media starts referring to her as the Scarfed Avenger --  her mother recognizes her from the viral security footage of the save, (example) she is easily recognized from the security footage that has gone viral by her mother who then contacts her. 

Claire claims she’s changed her ways but Marissa finds herself leery of the life that her mother has built for herself. She is surrounded by several superpowered friends who seem unusually loyal to her, striking Marissa with fear that Claire could be a bigger threat to her than before. Now Marissa has to determine whether she wants to forget her past and move on or confront it to get to the bottom of the Svengali-like hold Claire has over her powered friends. (Hm. This is always the hardest part of a query for me, too. This runs on a bit. You've got a lot of sentences I had to go back and read again. And this feels like a bit of a rush to get things in before the end of the query. Try to focus on the rising stakes and her final choice.)

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included ________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.
 

 

Good luck! :) Draft, draft away!



#10 punitrastogi

punitrastogi

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 225 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Ready with the first draft of my first book

Posted 14 May 2018 - 02:47 AM

Please mention the post no. or the link to the latest version in your first post.

 

Or put the latest version in the first post, and mention this at the very top.

 

That would definitely help in finding the version to reply to.

I know this still needs quite a bit of work but am I heading in the right direction?

-----

 

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power -- she can move things with her mind -- but she doesn’t feel powerful. She was raised by her emotionally abusive mother, Claire, whom Marissa was all too happy to leave as soon as she was old enough. And now, all she wants is to go about her days without the constant reminder of the life she has lived. (Good start, better emotional angle, but a let-down hook. Can definitely be much better. My strikethroughs dont help in doing that, but just wanted to say that keep your hook short, and use the words in your content)

One evening, Marissa uses her abilities to save a crowd of people at the a mall from a gunman. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face -- an act she later regrets once the media starts referring to her as the Scarfed (I seriously thought that the title was Scar-fed and not Scarf-ed :D ) Avenger -- she is easily recognized from the security footage that has gone viral by her mother who then contacts her. Excellent twist of events, but you need to break this sentence into 3 fragments - conceal her identity, realization that she is a media hero, and disaster when she learns her mother's actions.)

Claire claims she’s changed her ways but Marissa finds herself leery of the life that her mother has built for herself. She is surrounded by several superpowered friends who seem unusually loyal to her. Claire claims she’s changed her ways but , striking Marissa with fears that Claire could be a bigger threat to her than before. Now Marissa has to determine whether she wants to forget her past and move on or confront it to get to the bottom of the Svengali-like hold Claire has over her powered friends. I dont get what's at stake here? I understand that you have wanted to maintain a mystery about Claire, but that might be your key to cracking the deal. You need to give a hint of what she is planning, and how Marissa gets entangled in it and/or works against it. Currently, it just looks like a story of a rebellious teen with supernatrual powers. I am sure there is more that you can add.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included ________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.
 

 

Hope it helps :)



#11 AstrMikeDexter

AstrMikeDexter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 10 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 14 May 2018 - 06:45 AM

Again, thank you all! You've all been a tremendous help with your suggestions and critiques.

 

As you've noticed, I'm having trouble noting what the stakes are and it is because I'm trying to keep some mystery to Claire. But I see that's not working. Something is revealed about a third of the way through and I wonder if I should just include it in the query letter even though it's a mystery until then.

 

As for the title, I'm not married to it and I'm willing to change it but, admittedly, it's not something I'm really too concerned about at the moment (ask me again next week!). It's supposed to be a running joke throughout the novel because it sounds so stupid and it's not something Marissa would ever choose for herself. But, that doesn't mean it has to be the title.


Any help with my query would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!


#12 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 82 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 15 May 2018 - 10:32 AM

I know this still needs quite a bit of work but am I heading in the right direction?

-----

 

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power -- she can move things with her mind -- but she doesn’t feel powerful I would just say it's telekinesis. Shows that you're more of an expert on the subject and everyone knows what that is. She was raised by her emotionally abusive mother, Claire, whom Marissa was all too happy to leave as soon as she was old enough. And now, all she wants is to go about her days without the constant reminder of the life she has lived. I think with a little bit of work you could take out the extra words and cut down the word cut here in these two sentences...I'm bad at doing that, but I see potential 

One evening, Marissa uses her abilities to save a crowd of people at the mall from a gunman. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face --Leaving her with the nick name Scarfed Avenger...this might take out some words making it clearer? an act she later regrets once the media starts referring to her as the Scarfed Avenger -- she is easily recognized from the security footage that has gone viral by her mother who then contacts her.

Claire claims she’s changed her ways but Marissa finds herself leery of the life that her mother has built for herself. She is surrounded by several superpowered friends who seem unusually loyal to her, striking Marissa with fear that Claire could be a bigger threat to her than before. Now Marissa has to determine whether she wants to forget her past and move on or confront it to get to the bottom of the Svengali-like hold Claire has over her powered friends. I really like this. I would probably red this book. I do like the climax of her going against the grain and saving people from the gunman and the fact that her mom recognizes her...I don't really feel much toward the mom...does she go back even though she's leery? 

 

Of course just my opinion! Happy to look at  another version. 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included ________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.
 

 

http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=356637



#13 AstrMikeDexter

AstrMikeDexter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 10 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 15 May 2018 - 07:21 PM

Thanks! Let's try this again...

 

(I realize this is still too wordy, so rip it apart. Hopefully I've fixed some of the other glaring issues.)

 

---------

 

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power – she can move things with her mind – but she doesn’t feel powerful. After using her abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – an act she later regrets once the media starts referring to her as the Scarfed Avenger – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been hiding from for years: her abusive mother, Claire.

Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her mother a chance after Claire reaches out claiming she can bury the growing story. Claire insists she’s changed her ways and Marissa yearns for it to be true. But, there’s something about the unusually loyal superpowered friends that Claire has surrounded herself with that prevents Marissa from fully trusting her mother’s intentions.

When she later discovers that Claire has been using her powered friends to interfere in her life, Marissa is terrified to learn how little power over herself she’s actually had. If Marissa ever wants to have agency over herself and stop the cycle of abuse, she’s going to have to wage war on forces more powerful and nefarious than she might be prepared to handle.

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included ________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.


Any help with my query would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!


#14 StephenLost

StephenLost

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 119 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:nada

Posted 18 May 2018 - 06:12 PM

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power – she is telapathic (saves words) – but she doesn’t feel powerful. After using her abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her face – an act that earned her a nickname, the Scarfed Avenger – however, she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been hiding from for years: her abusive mother, Claire.    Just cleaned it up and saved you a few words. Cool idea  I like the viral internet touch.

Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her mother another chance after Claire reaches out claiming she can bury the growing story. Claire insists she’s changed her ways and Marissa yearns for it to be true. But, there’s something about the unusually loyal superpowered friends that Claire has surrounded herself with that prevents Marissa from fully trusting her mother’s intentions.   ( I feel like this can be said cleaner.) Claire insists she has changed but there is something sinsisterabout the super powered company she keeps.

Marissa later uncovers that Claire has been using her powered friends to interfere in her life, she is terrified to learn how much control over her life her mother has had. If Marissa ever wants to have agency over herself and stop the cycle of abuse, she’s going to have to wage war on forces more powerful and nefarious than she might be prepared to handle.

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included ________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.

 

 

 

Its a good start, now just add and air of drama. Best of luck, thanks for your help.



#15 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 82 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 19 May 2018 - 11:19 AM

Returning the favor!

Thanks! Let's try this again...

 

(I realize this is still too wordy, so rip it apart. Hopefully I've fixed some of the other glaring issues.)

 

---------

 

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power – she can move things with her mind – but she doesn’t feel powerful. ​I like this better than the other one. After using her abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face--giving her the nickname Scarfed Avenger-- might be fewer words – an act she later regrets once the media starts referring to her as the Scarfed Avenger – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been hiding from for years: her abusive mother, Claire.

Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her mother a chance after Claire reaches out, claiming she can bury the growing story. Intrigued by her proposition and the secret desire to make amends, Marissa....Claire insists she’s changed her ways and Marissa yearns for it to be true. But, there’s something about the unusually loyal superpowered friends that Claire has surrounded herself with that prevents Marissa from fully trusting her mother’s intentions.

When she later discovers that Claire has been using her powered friends to interfere in her life, Marissa is terrified to learn how little power over herself she’s actually had. If Marissa ever wants to have agency over herself and stop the cycle of abuse, she’s going to have to wage war on forces more powerful and nefarious than she might be prepared to handle. I liked this last paragraph :) this, too, keeps getting better and better!

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included ________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.

 

I hope this helped!



#16 jpfranco

jpfranco

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 31 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:None as of yet

Posted 19 May 2018 - 01:21 PM

I don't know if anyone has brought this up, but here's the definition for

 scarf2

skärf/
verb
past tense: scarfed; past participle: scarfed
  1. 1.
    join the ends of (two pieces of timber or metal) by beveling or notching them so that they fit over or into each other.
  2. 2.
    make an incision in the blubber of (a whale).
     
     
     
     
    Or, alternatively:
     
     
    Past tense of to pig out or 'down' food really fast and hastily

    Posted 15 May 2018 - 08:21 PM

    Thanks! Let's try this again...

     

    (I realize this is still too wordy, so rip it apart. Hopefully I've fixed some of the other glaring issues.)

     

    ---------

     

    Marissa Caldwell has a secret power – she can move things with her mind – but she doesn’t feel powerful. One way to re-word this would be: Marissa Caldwell is telekinetic, but her secret doesn't make her feel powerful. After using her abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – an act she later regrets once the media starts referring to her as the Scarfed Avenger – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been hiding from for years: her abusive mother, Claire. I do kind of wonder how her mother recognized her. Did she know Marissa is telekinetic?

     

    Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her mother a chance after Claire reaches out claiming she can bury the growing story. Claire insists she’s changed her ways and Marissa yearns for it to be true. But, there’s something about the unusually loyal superpowered friends that Claire has surrounded herself with that prevents Marissa from fully trusting her mother’s intentions. I think this is too vague. We need a bit stronger hint about the friends and the mother.

    When she later discovers that Claire has been using her powered friends to interfere in her life, Marissa is terrified to learn how little power over herself she’s actually had.This does capture my attentionIf Marissa ever wants to have agency over herself and stop the cycle of abuse, she’s going to have to wage war on forces more powerful and nefarious than she might be prepared to handle. Maybe you could hint at how Claire made this discovery. Are the stakes just about her and her mother? I would think with her having superpowers, the stakes would be more than that. Here it sounds like she's just fighting her mother to get away, but she got away once already. 

    Than you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included ________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.

     
    You use the word power six times here. I know it's tough, but you've got to restructure your sentences so that you can avoid this. Overall, this sounds like it has potential. Good luck!





0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users