Thanks again for all of your suggestions and critiques! Does this make anything clearer or am I taking a step back?
Marissa Caldwell has a secret power – she’s telekinetic – but she doesn’t feel powerful. After using her abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – an act that earned her the nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” by the media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been hiding from for years: her abusive mother, Claire.
When Claire reaches out claiming she can help bury the growing story, Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her mother a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s new surrogate family, a group of other individuals with super-abilities, but there’s something about them that worries her. They are fiercely loyal to Claire and have an unexpected disliking of Marissa.
When she discovers that Claire has been using her powered friends to interfere in her life (I feel like an example here would help since this is vague), Marissa is terrified to learn how little control over herself she’s actually had. If Marissa ever wants to have agency over herself and destroy the cycle of abuse, she’s going to have to stop Claire, risking a war with her powered friends who will do anything to protect her mother.
Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included _________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.
I like it. The issue I have it that the transition between Marissa meeting Claire's friend and her discovering Claires secret. Since there's no development from the friends until just before the end, I think expanding on that might help a bit even just "disliking of Marissa. At first, this means that Marissa wants nothing to do with them, but then she discovers...actually had. And the superpowered friends are X. If Marissa wants." Or something, I feel like I get that the friends are there to make her mother seem more threatening, and to complicate matters but it takes a while to understand how they complicate matters and being more upfront and explicit with that would probably help.
You also start both those paragraphs with "when."