38 replies to this topic

[cmmg]

Thanks again for all of your suggestions and critiques! Does this make anything clearer or am I taking a step back?

 

-----------------

 

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power – she’s telekinetic – but she doesn’t feel powerful. After using her abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – an act that earned her the nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” by the media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been hiding from for years: her abusive mother, Claire.

When Claire reaches out claiming she can help bury the growing story, Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her mother a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s new surrogate family, a group of other individuals with super-abilities, but there’s something about them that worries her. They are fiercely loyal to Claire and have an unexpected disliking of Marissa.

 

When she discovers that Claire has been using her powered friends to interfere in her life (I feel like an example here would help since this is vague), Marissa is terrified to learn how little control over herself she’s actually had. If Marissa ever wants to have agency over herself and destroy the cycle of abuse, she’s going to have to stop Claire, risking a war with her powered friends who will do anything to protect her mother.

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included _________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.

I like it. The issue I have it that the transition between Marissa meeting Claire's friend and her discovering Claires secret. Since there's no development from the friends until just before the end, I think expanding on that might help a bit even just "disliking of Marissa. At first, this means that Marissa wants nothing to do with them, but then she discovers...actually had. And the superpowered friends are X. If Marissa wants." Or something, I feel like I get that the friends are there to make her mother seem more threatening, and to complicate matters but it takes a while to understand how they complicate matters and being more upfront and explicit with that would probably help.

 

You also start both those paragraphs with "when."

[RegE]

Thanks again for all of your suggestions and critiques! Does this make anything clearer or am I taking a step back?

 

-----------------

? 

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power – she’s telekinetic – but she doesn’t feel powerful (Saying she doesn't feel powerful doesn't work unless you say why. Right now, it doesn't make sense. Something like ..Marissa has a secret power, but she feels like an normal girl until the day a gunman attacks a crowd of people. She uses her power...etc)....After using her abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – an act that earned her the nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” by the media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been hiding from for years: her abusive mother, Claire. The one person she's been hiding from all these years recognizes Marissa. Her abusive Mother, Claire.

When Claire reaches out  contacts her claiming she can help bury the growing story , Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her mother a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s new surrogate family, a group of other individuals (I don't know what other individuals means. Are they mutants? Super heroes? Aliens? with super-abilities but there’s something about them that worries her. They are fiercely loyal to Claire and have an unexpected disliking of Marissa. I think the thing that worries her should be alot more dramatic than them just disliking her!! Like, do they want to take over the world or something.

 

When she discovers that Claire has been using her powered friends (powered friends is again awkward, just like 'other individuals' say what they actually are!) to interfere in her (whose life?) life, Marissa is terrified to learn how little control over herself she’s actually had. If Marissa ever wants to have agency over herself and destroy the cycle of abuse, she’s going to have to stop Claire, risking a war with her powered friends who will do anything to protect her mother. (I'm afraid this paragraph is just confusing. Whata re the stakes. I thought Clair was going to help her? Why does she risk a war with them? Is it because of her power? Are they still abusing her? All this is really unclear)

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. I have included _________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.

 

I think you need to work on increasing the stakes and making them clearer. 

[Quillaby]

Thanks again for all of your suggestions and critiques! Does this make anything clearer or am I taking a step back?

 

-----------------

 

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power – she’s telekinetic – but she doesn’t feel powerful. You've clearly tried for a snappy opening hook, but it doesn't quite work. Honestly, your hook (and it's a good one) is sentence two. Just tweak it a bit, like: After using When Marissa Caldwell uses her telekinetic abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – an act that earned her the nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” by the media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been hiding from for years: her abusive mother, Claire.

 

When Claire reaches out claiming she can help bury the growing story, Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her mother a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s new surrogate family, a group of other individuals with super-abilities, but there’s something about them that worries her. They are fiercely loyal to Claire and have an unexpected disliking of Marissa. "unexpected disliking" is awkward. It also doesn't show us much. Do they snub her? Attack her? Are they threatened by her?

 

When she Marissa discovers that Claire has been using her powered friends family (you've already referred to them as family. Referring to them as friends here is confusing. "Powered friends/family" is awkward in the same way "unexpected disliking" is awkward. Being succinct doesn't work if it comes across awkward or clinical. Your query could also use more voice. Try something like "family of superjerks". Something that shows us Marissa's opinion of them, too) to interfere in her life, Marissa is terrified to learn how little control over herself she’s actually had. If Marissa ever wants to have agency over herself and destroy the cycle of abuse, she’s going to have to stop Claire, risking a war with her powered friends who will do anything to protect her mother.

 

This last paragraph is your weakest (this is usually the case with query drafts. We've aaaaall been there). How has Claire been interfering? Interfering can mean anything from sabotaging her college chances to blowing spitballs. If it's something like Claire was the one who set up the gunman situation, just tell us. Telling us is more compelling than being vague.

 

"Cycle of abuse" doesn't quite work here. The cycle of abuse refers to a specific pattern of abuse.

 

"she's going to have to stop Claire" : again, from doing what? We don't know what Marissa needs to stop. 

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER is a 85,000 word fantasy novel, is available upon your request. I have included _________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.

 

Saying things like your novel is complete and available upon request is unnecessary to the point of actually annoying some agents.

 

 

You're definitely on the right track. You've got a good foundation to work with. You just need to clean up that last paragraph so the stakes are clearer (get some specifics on the page!) and give us voice.

 

Good luck!

[smoskale]

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power – she’s telekinetic this gave me pause for a moment, bc I'm not sure if you mean she can move objects or she can move herself.Perhaps say exactly what she can do: Maissa Caldwell can move mountains––literally––though she's been keeping her telekinetic power secret.  – but she doesn’t feel powerful. 

 

After using When she uses her abilities to save a crowd of peopleperhaps a more colorful description could go here--are they hostages? How many are in the crowd?  Give us a nice visual  from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by Marissa wrappinged a scarf around her face – an act that earned her the nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” by the media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been hiding from evading for years: her abusive mother, Claire. I'd put this in active voice: Her abusive mother Clair, the one person Marissa has been evading for years, recognizes her.

When Claire reaches out claiming offers she canto help bury the growing story, and Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her mother a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s new surrogate family, a group of other individuals with super-abilities Passive voice again. Maybe, Meeting Claire's surrogate family, Marissa learns they have supernatural powers, too, and, fiercely loyal to Claire, they would do anything to protect her. For reasons Marissa can't fathom, they seem to hate her. And there is something else that worries her about them (not sure you want this last bit, unless you will explain what it is that worries her),. bBut there’s something about them that worries her. They are fiercely loyal to Claire and have an unexpected disliking of Marissa.

 

When she discovers that Claire has been using her powered friends to interferemeddle in her life, Marissa is terrified to learns how little control over herself she’s actually had. If Marissa ever wants to have agency over herself and destroy the cycle of abuse, she’s going to have to stop Claire, risking a war with her powered friends who will do anything to protect her mother. This needs some TLC. To have agency over herself is too vague, as is the cycle of abuse. She wants to stop her mother from doing what? If she tries, what bad thing will happen (the friends doing anything to stop her is again too vague). If she doesn't try, what worse thing will happen? End with a bang.

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel it's a pet peeve of many agents. Just fantasy is all you need., THE SCARFED AVENGER, is available upon your request. this is assumed, no need to say it I have included _________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.

Thank you for your time and consideration

[SnowFox23]

Marissa Caldwell has a secret power – she’s telekinetic – but she doesn’t feel powerful. cool opening.

After using her abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – an act that earned her the nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” by the media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been hiding from for years: her abusive mother, Claire. also cool.

When Claire reaches out claiming she can help bury the growing story, Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her mother a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s new surrogate family, a group of other individuals with super-abilities, but there’s something about them that worries her. They are fiercely loyal to Claire and have an unexpected I feel like this is the wrong word. maybe strange,?  disliking of Marissa.

 

When she discovers that Claire has been using her powered friends to interfere in her life, Marissa is terrified to learn how little control over herself she’s actually had. If Marissa ever wants to have agency over herself and destroy the cycle of abuse, she’s going to have to stop Claire, risking a war with her powered friends who will do anything to protect her mother. This last paragraph loses it for me. It's too vague, I feel. How are they interfering in her life? The stakes need to be tightened here.

Thank you for your time and consideration. The full manuscript for my completed 85,000 word fantasy novel, THE SCARFED AVENGER, cool name, though :) is available upon your request. I have included _________ for your review. I look forward to hearing back from you.

[AstrMikeDexter]

You all are great. Thank you SO much. I'm not sure if I'm getting any closer but I tried to be less vague and tried to be clearer with the stakes.

 

---------------

When Marissa Caldwell uses her telekinetic abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – an act that earned her the nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” by the media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been evading for years: her abusive mother, Claire.

 

Claire contacts her with the enticing claim that she can bury the growing story, so Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s new surrogate family, a group of other individuals with super-abilities. Fiercely loyal to Claire, they make it clear to Marissa that they would do anything to protect her mother. And for reasons Marissa can't comprehend, they seem to hate her.

 

The more time they all spend together, the more Marissa suspects that Claire might be hiding that she has the ability to control people’s minds. Marissa worries that she’s been using this power to make her new family do her bidding and to draw Marissa closer to her. It’s a revelation that makes Marissa question how much of her life has actually been hers to live and how much has been controlled by puppet master Claire. Marissa is going to have to find a way to regain her autonomy by stopping Claire from abusing her power. In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire’s powered friends, a war that if she loses will render her nothing but a mindless drone to her mother.

 

THE SCARFED AVENGER is an 84,000 word fantasy with series potential. I have included _________ for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[sarahja]

You all are great. Thank you SO much. I'm not sure if I'm getting any closer but I tried to be less vague and tried to be clearer with the stakes.

 

---------------

When Marissa Caldwell uses her telekinetic abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – an act that earned her the nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” by the media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been evading for years: her abusive mother, Claire. This is a great opening hook...the viral footage/superhero grabs our interest, the personal stakes back it up with something a little bit different. I think you could maybe change it up a little to help that second sentence flow, though. Right now it feels a bnit fragmented and complicated, a bit passive. But congrats on packing so much into two lines!

 

When Claire contacts her with the enticing claim that she can bury the growing story, so Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s new surrogate familyare they new to clare?, a group can you get a more descriptive word than group that gives us a feel for dynamics of the group? gang? chaotic something or other?of other individuals with super-abilities.You could make this snappier too! "other individuals with super powers" is quite passive and isn't as exciting as it could be if you swapped some words around/into that phrase Fiercely loyal to Claire, they make it clear to Marissa that they would do anything to protect her mother. And for reasons Marissa can't comprehend, they seem to hate her.  V interesting

 

The more time they all spend together,Is there a way you could pop any more specfics in? Like, I want to read on, but little hints about the atmosphere or where they stay or what they do, just colouful words swapped in rather than added, that could really bring your story out the more Marissa suspects that Claire might be hiding that she has the ability to control people’s minds. Marissa worries that she’suse claire's name here been using this power to make her new family do her bidding and to draw Marissa closer to her. It’s a revelation that makes Marissa question how much of her life has actually been hers to live and how much has been controlled by puppet master Claire. Marissa is going to have to find a way Think this might be a bit passive. What about something like... Determined to regain her autonomy by stopping Claire from abusing her power, Marissa  In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire’s powered I think this word feels a little clunky here friends, a war that if she loses will render her nothing but a mindless drone to her mother.Think this last bit would be more powerful if switched round so it is "but if she loses, she'll be nothing but another one of her mother's mindless drones" or something, just make Marissa the main subject of the sentence.

 

THE SCARFED AVENGER is an 84,000 word fantasy with series potential. I have included _________ for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Love the sound of this! You lay out the plot and stakes really well, everything is VERY clear.I just think a few more specific word choices/details would add colour to the query...give us a feel for the world/setting/setup with your language. And read it aloud to make sure the sentences really flow/are as punchy as they can be.

 

What's the tone of your story like? From the title, I was thinking it'd be kind of light-hearted but then from the abusive mother story it feels a bit heavier, but I don't think there's anything in the query that backs up either tone. Just letting you know in case it's useful when you're thinking about language/phrasing.

 

Thanks for your great notes on my query!

[Bkrasnik]

You all are great. Thank you SO much. I'm not sure if I'm getting any closer but I tried to be less vague and tried to be clearer with the stakes.

 

---------------

When Marissa Caldwell uses her telekinetic abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – an act that earned her the nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” by the media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been evading for years: her abusive mother, Claire. (Good)

 

Claire contacts her with the enticing claim that she can bury the growing story, so Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s new surrogate family, a group of other individuals with super-abilities. Fiercely loyal to Claire, they make it clear to Marissa that they would do anything to protect her mother. And for reasons Marissa can't comprehend, they seem to hate her. (Good)

 

The more time they all spend together (during this time, what did Claire do to help her bury the footage? This sentence could benefit, if its a little bit more specific, because right now I am imagining that they are all just hanging out) , the more Marissa suspects that Claire might be hiding that she has the ability to control people’s minds (What gives Marissa this hint?). Marissa worries that she’s been using this power to make her new family do her bidding and to draw Marissa closer to her. It’s a revelation that makes Marissa question how much of her life has actually been hers to live and how much has been controlled by puppet master Claire. Marissa is going to have to find a way (I don't like the way this sounds, might be better to rephrase) to regain her autonomy by stopping Claire from abusing her power (Can't Marissa just leave after getting the footage buried and not worry about her mom and her powers? What ties her down to her mom at this point? Is the Mom giving her an ultimatum?) In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire’s powered friends, a war that if she loses will render her nothing but a mindless drone to her mother.

 

THE SCARFED AVENGER is an 84,000 word fantasy with series potential. I have included _________ for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I really like this query. It's very streamlined and there is a good logical flow. I feel like I understand mostly everything, but I would suggest to make a few edits (as mentioned above) to make it even better. Good job! 

[TeaTime]

You all are great. Thank you SO much. I'm not sure if I'm getting any closer but I tried to be less vague and tried to be clearer with the stakes.

 

---------------

When Marissa Caldwell uses her telekinetic abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face (Maybe reword to something like "Only having had time to wrap a scarf around her face") – an act that earned earning her the nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” by the media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been evading for years: her abusive mother, Claire.

 

Claire contacts her with the enticing claim that she can bury the growing story, so Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s new surrogate family, a group of other individuals (Are they children/minors? Or a mix of minors & adults?) with super-abilities. Fiercely loyal to Claire, they make it clear to Marissa that they would do anything to protect her mother. And for reasons Marissa can't comprehend, they seem to hate her. (The context mostly makes it easy to figure out that "her" means Marissa, but rewording to make it clearer would be good.)

 

The more time they all spend together, the more Marissa suspects that Claire might be hiding that she has the ability to control people’s minds. Marissa worries that she’s (Say "Claire" to avoid pronoun confusion) been using this power to make her new family do her bidding and to draw Marissa closer to her. It’s a revelation that makes Marissa question how much of her life has actually been hers to live and how much has been controlled by puppet master Claire. Marissa is going to have to find a way to regain her autonomy by stopping Claire from abusing her power. In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire’s powered friends (Maybe "family/house/clan," or something), a war that if she loses will render her nothing but a mindless drone to her mother.

 

THE SCARFED AVENGER is an 84,000 word fantasy with series potential. I have included _________ for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I agree with Bkrasnik that it would be good to get more of the "bury the footage" plot line, as I assume Claire is willing to use it as ongoing leverage against Marissa. I would also like to get a little more hints at Marissa & Claire's "reunited" mother/daughter relationship, as that's pretty interesting.

 

But overall this sounds like a cool story. I'm a sucker for super hero stuff. Keep up the good work   

[Caligulas]

Hey, are you still working on this? I want to payback the crit, but if you're working on a draft I'll wait. :)

[AstrMikeDexter]

Thanks so much! I haven't gotten around to revising yet so any more comments are always welcome.

[Caligulas]

Okay! 

 

You all are great. Thank you SO much. I'm not sure if I'm getting any closer but I tried to be less vague and tried to be clearer with the stakes.

 

---------------

When Marissa Caldwell uses her telekinetic abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. (NICE opening) Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – an act that earned her the nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” by the media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been evading for years: her abusive mother, Claire. (Even nicer!)

 

Claire contacts her with the enticing claim that she can bury the growing story, so Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s new surrogate family, a group of other individuals with super-abilities. Fiercely loyal to Claire, they make it clear to Marissa that they would do anything to protect her mother. And for reasons Marissa can't comprehend, they seem to hate her. (I'm guessing the her is Marissa, but the subject of the last sentence is Claire. I would use Marissa's name for crystal clarity. If you want to avoid saying it twice maybe something like "And for incomprehensible reasons, they seem to hate Marissa)

 

The more time they all spend together, the more Marissa suspects that Claire might be hiding that she has the ability to control people’s minds. Marissa worries that she’s been using this power to make her new family do her bidding and to draw Marissa closer to her. It’s a revelation that makes Marissa question how much of her life has actually been hers to live and how much has been controlled by puppet master Claire. Marissa is going to have to find a way to regain her autonomy by stopping Claire from abusing her power. In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire’s powered friends, a war that if she loses will render her nothing but a mindless drone to her mother. (Interesting stakes, reads more like a superhero story than a fantasy novel, so like, speculative fiction. But no wonder you aren't rewriting. I think this is good to go. Would you mind taking a look at my rewrite for When I See Me? :) )

 

THE SCARFED AVENGER is an 84,000 word fantasy with series potential. I have included _________ for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[kat8]

You all are great. Thank you SO much. I'm not sure if I'm getting any closer but I tried to be less vague and tried to be clearer with the stakes.

 

---------------

When Marissa Caldwell uses her telekinetic abilities to save a crowd of people from a gunman, the security footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – an act that earned her the nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” by the media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s been evading for years: her abusive mother, Claire. WOOOOH I love the first paragraph!!

 

Claire contacts her with the enticing claim that she can bury the growing story (I'm guessing that it's because Marissa wants to keep her powers a secret, but I don't think it would hurt to spell out exactly why Marissa is tempted by this offer. Possibly add a sentence before this one about why she's always hidden her powers?), so Marissa reluctantly agrees to give her a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s new surrogate family, a group of other individuals (individuals is such a bland word; maybe loners or outcasts if that's what they are. Or just people; individuals is awkwardly formal in this sentence) with super-abilities. Fiercely loyal to Claire, they make it clear to Marissa that they would will do anything to protect her mother. And for reasons Marissa can't comprehend, they seem to hate her.

 

The more time they all spend together, the more Marissa suspects that Claire might be hiding that she has the  her ability to control people’s minds (woooooah okay, I think this is a pretty big reveal! This means that Claire might be controlling her friends, which is sort of a major plot twist! This should definitely be a lot bigger in your query, because this is a big moment of tension that explains a lot of the previous information. I would either separate this sentence from this paragraph and make the sentence a lot more dramatic, or reveal this info earlier in the query and bring it back down here. Whatever you decide to do, I definitely think you need to make it clear that this is a big deal. Right now, it reads like another bit of background information, when it should be a huge turning point in the action). Marissa worries that she’s been using this power to make her new family do her bidding and to draw Marissa closer to her (I think that if you set up her mother's power correctly, you won't need to state this fear outright. As soon as I read about her mother's power, this is what I thought was going on. If you let the reader of your query connect the dots themselves, it makes it a lot more suspenseful). It’s a revelation that makes Marissa question how much of her life has actually been hers to live and how much has been controlled by puppet master Claire (now I'm really confused. Did Marissa just discover her mother's power, too? Because it sounded like Marissa has known all along, but now it sounds like Marissa just found out). Marissa is going to have to find a way to regain her autonomy (really bland word) by stopping Claire from abusing her power. In doing so, she risks inciting a war with Claire’s powered (what does powered mean? maybe use 'magical' to be clearer?) friends, a war that if she loses will render her nothing but a mindless drone to her mother. (what???? Why??? How will that happen?)

 

THE SCARFED AVENGER is an 84,000 word fantasy with series potential. I have included _________ for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I definitely think that your last paragraph needs a lot of work. I was confused at first, and by the end of it, I was really lost. Everything about Claire's powers was very confusing, even though I think all that information has the potential to be compelling and suspenseful.

 

BUT, I absolutely think you can do it, and it will most certainly be worth it!! I hardly ever read fantasy, and I'm not a huge fan of the genre, but after your first paragraph I was ready to read your book! If you can keep up that tight, concise presentation of the story, I definitely think this query will go far. I can't tell you enough how much I loved the first paragraph and how well it worked for me.

 

I'd really appreciate it if you would take the time to look at my query, linked in my signature! And I will try to remember to return to this thread, because I'd love to take a look at future versions of your query :)

 

Good luck!!

[AstrMikeDexter]

I'm back! So, over the past few months I ended up changing parts of the story and I'm currently going through another read through and making some final edits. I've updated the query as well and I'm open to any suggestions and critiques you may have. I am more than happy to do the same for you, so feel free to link me!

 

Additionally, I know some people had issues with the title so another name I'm considering is "The Night Warrior". I'm still mulling it over, though. Titles are not my thing. (To be clear, while there is the heavy theme of dealing with abuse present in the story, I like to think there is a decent amount of humor too.)

 

------------

 

When Marissa Caldwell uses her telekinetic abilities to stop a criminal, footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – earning her the ridiculous nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” on social media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her abusive mother, Claire.

 

Claire contacts her with the enticing claim that she can bury the growing story. She only has Marissa’s best interests at heart, after all. Reluctantly, Marissa agrees to give her a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s surrogate family, a hodgepodge of people with super-abilities. Fiercely loyal to Claire, they make it clear that they would do anything to protect her.

 

The closer Marissa and Claire get, the more family dinners and casual lunches they share, the more Marissa’s life spirals out of control. Her boyfriend leaves her. She starts forgetting large chunks of time in her day. And most glaring of all, she can’t explain why she’s spent so much time with her abusive mother.

 

Putting the pieces together, Marissa realizes that Claire has kept secret a power of her own, the ability to alter people’s memories.

 

This revelation makes Marissa question how much of her life has actually been hers to live and how much has been controlled by puppet master Claire. Determined to regain authority over her actions and stop her mother from abusing her powers, Marissa risks inciting a war with Claire’s surrogate family, a war that if she loses will render her nothing but another one of her mother’s mindless drones.

 

THE SCARFED AVENGER is an 81,000 word fantasy with series potential. I have included _________ for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[VickyRosly]

I'm back! So, over the past few months I ended up changing parts of the story and I'm currently going through another read through and making some final edits. I've updated the query as well and I'm open to any suggestions and critiques you may have. I am more than happy to do the same for you, so feel free to link me!

 

Additionally, I know some people had issues with the title so another name I'm considering is "The Night Warrior". I'm still mulling it over, though. Titles are not my thing. (To be clear, while there is the heavy theme of dealing with abuse present in the story, I like to think there is a decent amount of humor too.)

 

------------

 

When Marissa Caldwell uses her telekinetic abilities to stop a criminal, footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – earning her the ridiculous nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” on social media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her abusive mother, Claire.

 

Claire contacts her with the enticing claim that she can bury the growing story. She only has Marissa’s best interests at heart, after all. Reluctantly, Marissa agrees to give her a second chance. She is introduced to Claire’s surrogate family, a hodgepodge of people with super-abilities. Fiercely loyal to Claire, they make it clear that they would do anything to protect her.

 

The closer Marissa and Claire get, the more family dinners and casual lunches they share, the more Marissa’s life spirals out of control. Her boyfriend leaves her. She starts forgetting large chunks of time in her day. And most glaring of all, she can’t explain why she’s spent (maybe consider she's spending?)so much time with her abusive mother.

 

Putting the pieces together, Marissa realizes that Claire has kept secret a power of her own, the ability to alter people’s memories.

 

This revelation makes Marissa question how much of her life has actually been hers to live and how much has been controlled by puppet master Claire. Determined to regain authority over her actions and stop her mother from abusing her powers, Marissa risks inciting a war with Claire’s surrogate family, a war that if she loses will render her nothing but another one of her mother’s mindless drones.

 

THE SCARFED AVENGER is an 81,000 word fantasy with series potential. I have included _________ for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 

All in all, I honestly find this revision great. It has flow, I get the plot and it makes me wanna read more of the manuscript. There's nothing I find unnecessary and it all comes down to Marissa's dilemma nicely!

[callalilly]

Hi. Thank you for your edit to my query, I am reading yours in return and hoping I can help you.

When Marissa Caldwell uses her telekinetic abilities to stop a criminal, footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – earning her the ridiculous nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” on social media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her abusive mother, Claire. (I think this is a decent hook!)

 

Claire contacts her with the enticing claim that she can bury the growing story. She only has Marissa’s best interests at heart, after all. Reluctantly, Marissa agrees to give her a second chance, and is introduced to Claire’s surrogate family, a hodgepodge of people with super-abilities (I think combining the two sentences reads better). Fiercely loyal to Claire, they make it clear that they would do anything to protect her (Does that mean they're suspicious of Marissa? If so, add a note about that -I think it'd up your stakes).

 

The closer Marissa and Claire get, the more family dinners and casual lunches they share, the more Marissa’s life spirals out of control. Her boyfriend leaves her. She starts forgetting large chunks of time in her day. And most glaring of all, she can’t explain why she’s spent so much time with her abusive mother.

 

Putting the pieces together, Marissa realizes that Claire has kept secret a power of her own, the ability to alter people’s memories. (Maybe a sentence on how Marissa discovers this?)

 

This revelation makes Marissa question how much of her life has actually been hers to live and how much has been controlled by puppet master Claire. Determined to regain authority over her actions and stop her mother from abusing her powers, Marissa risks inciting a war with Claire’s surrogate family, a war that if she loses will render her nothing but another one of her mother’s mindless drones. (Nice ending -makes the stakes real.)

 

THE SCARFED AVENGER is an 81,000 word fantasy with series potential. I have included _________ for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Overall, great query. I think one thing that I would say needs work in the connection of the hook to the rest of the query; this all begins with Marissa's ID being at stake and her mother agreeing to help clear that up. But then the rest of the query focuses on other aspects -which are certainly important, but the beginning hook gets thrown out. Does Claire do what she says? Is Marissa's ID still at stake? If so, what will happen? I had a few questions, but I think you can weigh what questions need to be answered and which can be answered via the book. I hope the suggestions work, and if not, please ignore thanks :)

[lnloft]

Additionally, I know some people had issues with the title so another name I'm considering is "The Night Warrior". I'm still mulling it over, though. Titles are not my thing. (To be clear, while there is the heavy theme of dealing with abuse present in the story, I like to think there is a decent amount of humor too.)

The thing about "Scarfed Avenger" was that for me, the thing I always think of first is scarf as a verb, as in to eat something really fast. And even though I critiqued your query a while back and I still remembered why it was called that these months later, that was still the first word that comes to mind. So it's evoking something odd and not entirely enticing to me.

 

On the flip side it is more unique, and I think Night Warrior is much more generic and won't help you get attention. I wonder about using a different article of clothing. I did a quick search of synonyms of "scarf", and while not all of them are exact matches, there are some things that could be used to hide someone's face and have some potential for having some fun playing with them. Bandanna is kind of a fun word when I look at it, although off the top of my head I'm not finding something good to combine it with that rolls of the tongue. There's also a stole, which definitely lends itself for an opportunity for wordplay and double-meaning in the title. Claire is stealing Marissa's memory and freedom? The Stoled Defender? Do some plug-and-play with synonyms of "scarf" and "hero" and see if anything jumps out at you.

[AstrMikeDexter]

^Thanks very much for your input on the title. It's very helpful to hear how you associate the word "scarf" and I'm definitely going to consider it. You have some great suggestions for how to work around it too.

 

And thanks again to everyone who offered critiques on the query!

[brandonyoung]

When Marissa Caldwell uses her telekinetic abilities to stop a criminal, footage from the incident goes viral. Though she did her best to conceal her identity by wrapping a scarf around her face – earning her the ridiculous nickname “the Scarfed Avenger” on social media – she is easily recognized by the one person she’s evaded for years: her abusive mother, Claire. Cool. I'm guessing the "Avenger" part of the nickname is a reference to the actual Avengers? Considering she's basically a superhero. In which case, cool again.

 

Claire contacts her with the enticing claim that she can bury the growing story. She only has Marissa’s best interests at heart, after all. (Is this you speaking as the writer, or is this what Marissa genuinely believes? Just a thought, because whether or not Marissa believes this is going to say a lot about her character.) Reluctantly, Marissa agrees to give her a second chance. Marissa is introduced to Claire’s surrogate family, a hodgepodge of people with super-abilities. Fiercely loyal to Claire, they make it clear that they would do anything to protect her.

 

The closer Marissa and Claire get, the more family dinners and casual lunches they share, the more Marissa’s life spirals out of control. Her boyfriend leaves her. She starts forgetting large chunks of time in her day. And most glaring of all, she can’t explain why she’s spent so much time with her abusive mother.

 

Putting the pieces together, Marissa realizes that Claire has kept secret a power of her own, the ability to alter people’s memories. (Ok, this seems really cool and I'm sure it works great in the novel. It just leads me to wonder if Marissa knows her mother abused her, or if that has been erased. At this point, I don't actually know what Marissa knows, and that's causing a disconnect between myself and her. I wonder if you can emulate the twist here, by leaving it as "her mother who she hasn't seen in a while" and only revealing that she was abusive right here.)

 

This revelation makes Marissa question how much of her life has actually been hers to live and how much has been controlled by puppet master Claire. Determined to regain authority over her actions and stop her mother from abusing her powers, Marissa risks inciting a war with Claire’s surrogate family, a war that if she loses will render her nothing but another one of her mother’s mindless drones.

 

THE SCARFED AVENGER is an 81,000 word fantasy with series potential. I have included _________ for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Yeah, so this has some cool twists and turns in it, and I do like superheroes. I'm a little bit unclear of what Marissa's actual goal is, and what the main conflict of the story is. It's not a traditional superhero story; it's more focused on the relationship between herself and her mother. All good. I wonder how far into the novel we get the abusive revelation. That seems like the thing that sets off Marissa's journey, but that doesn't come into the query until the very last paragraph. So what's Marissa doing up until then? A series of family dinners doesn't sound like the most exciting fantasy story I've ever read. So if you can just boil the story down to the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING to Marissa, I feel like that will solve some of my problems. At the moment, it reads more like a beat-by-beat rather than an illustration of the heart of the story. The beat-by-beat is evident just in how you've structured the query.