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PIECES OF ALICE- #17 Will critique back :)

Womens Fiction

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#81 yawriter

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Posted 07 June 2018 - 08:11 PM

Echoing comments above - it's still not clear what the book is about. I've read in a few places that it's a good idea to concentrate on the first act. I think you mentioned that the abduction happens quite late in the book. How late?  

Hey! Thanks for the help. I've changed the middle paragraph to make it a bit more powerful. It's the end of the book... so....that's what's makes it difficult. The point of view was from Alice's in the first query version, but people were saying it wasn't working since my book is from multiple perspectives and they wanted to know more about Jake's side especially when she gets abducted. There's no way for Alice to know what he's up to. So I'm trying to morph this one and if it doesn't work, I'll go back to the older version and keep hacking away at it :)



#82 Tanja

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Posted 14 June 2018 - 06:22 AM

Hi,

I read a few posts and also read your post that you wanted to see first what people had to say about the new version. I agree with the others. Your previous version was much better. Work on that one, flesh it out. Concentrate on one character or two but yeah, the new version falls rather flat compared to the previous one

 

Also, I see it over and over again and I don't know why people don't add the genre anymore. It's either adult, or YA or NA or whatever else. But it has to be mentioned. Plus I don't really see how it can be a woman's fiction when two men play a major part. Plus I'd even put it under the category of a mystery and not just woman's fiction which is very vague. Maybe it's a romance mystery if that's a category. Do your research there. Be as precise as you can be.

 

PIECES OF ALICE is Adult? YA? NA? woman’s fiction mystery completed at 98,000 words.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#83 NerdWitch

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Posted 14 June 2018 - 03:40 PM

VERSION #14

 

 

Dear Ms. [Agent],

 

Alice, a wide-eyed and feisty young woman who desires to move past the trauma of being beaten and manipulated by her ex, Seth. Jake, a charming and well-established hotel manager, unexpectedly falls in love with Alice. Their connection deepens when Alice realizes Jake was her irresistible teenage crush. He was the boy who played guitar passionately at the beach every weekend with his mother. Just as she begins to revive, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Seth’s sick pleas to win her back all end in rejection, he abducts Alice and chains her to a bedpost in hopes to force a rekindling without Jake’s influence.

 

Alice, now a withered girl, attempts as many flawed escape plans as possible to escape Seth’s clutches. Jake, a ruined man, exhausts all his money and resources on a case that has no leads to locate the love of his life who is presumably dead. Every day that passes is hopeful, but every year is agony.

 

PIECES OF ALICE is woman’s women's fiction completed at 98,000 words. 

Just a few bits that needed changing but otherwise I think this is a very good query and the premise is really interesting. Best of luck!


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#84 lnloft

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Posted 14 June 2018 - 09:59 PM

Also, I see it over and over again and I don't know why people don't add the genre anymore. It's either adult, or YA or NA or whatever else. But it has to be mentioned. Plus I don't really see how it can be a woman's fiction when two men play a major part. Plus I'd even put it under the category of a mystery and not just woman's fiction which is very vague. Maybe it's a romance mystery if that's a category. Do your research there. Be as precise as you can be.

If you don't indicate an age, adult is implied. So you don't need to state your book is "adult mystery" or "adult romance" or whatever. Unless you think there is some reason an agent might be confused, you're safe just saying "my book is GENRE".


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#85 Tanja

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Posted 15 June 2018 - 12:34 AM

If you don't indicate an age, adult is implied. So you don't need to state your book is "adult mystery" or "adult romance" or whatever. Unless you think there is some reason an agent might be confused, you're safe just saying "my book is GENRE".

In all the time I've now dealt with this industry, I've never heard that before. Agents still write to give the genre. Same with twitter competitions. But hey, always open to learn new stuff :cool:


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#86 yawriter

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Posted 15 June 2018 - 09:43 PM

Hi,

I read a few posts and also read your post that you wanted to see first what people had to say about the new version. I agree with the others. Your previous version was much better. Work on that one, flesh it out. Concentrate on one character or two but yeah, the new version falls rather flat compared to the previous one

 

Also, I see it over and over again and I don't know why people don't add the genre anymore. It's either adult, or YA or NA or whatever else. But it has to be mentioned. Plus I don't really see how it can be a woman's fiction when two men play a major part. Plus I'd even put it under the category of a mystery and not just woman's fiction which is very vague. Maybe it's a romance mystery if that's a category. Do your research there. Be as precise as you can be.

 

PIECES OF ALICE is Adult? YA? NA? woman’s fiction mystery completed at 98,000 words.

 

Thanks for the help! I went back to the first version per everyone's requests. I'm pretty sure woman's fiction is a genre in and of it's own, but I you may be correct. 



#87 yawriter

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Posted 15 June 2018 - 09:44 PM

If you don't indicate an age, adult is implied. So you don't need to state your book is "adult mystery" or "adult romance" or whatever. Unless you think there is some reason an agent might be confused, you're safe just saying "my book is GENRE".

I'm pretty sure woman's fiction is a genre in and of it's own, but I you may be correct. More research is in my future. I have gone back to the old version, thanks for the feedback! Is there anything of yours you'd like for me to look at? I'd like to return the favor.



#88 Tanja

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Posted 15 June 2018 - 11:59 PM

Yes, women's fiction is a genre on it's own, but your story doesn't sound like women's fiction. In women's fiction the story is centered around women. Men play too  much of a large role in your story. Or at least that's what the query implies. Plus you got kidnapping in your story etc. which isn't really what women's fiction is about. I would compare your story with something like Gone Girl and that runs under Thriller.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#89 yawriter

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Posted 16 June 2018 - 09:35 AM

Yes, women's fiction is a genre on it's own, but your story doesn't sound like women's fiction. In women's fiction the story is centered around women. Men play too  much of a large role in your story. Or at least that's what the query implies. Plus you got kidnapping in your story etc. which isn't really what women's fiction is about. I would compare your story with something like Gone Girl and that runs under Thriller.

 

AH! Yes, I get it now. Thank you for clarifying.



#90 lnloft

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Posted 16 June 2018 - 01:53 PM

Some genre definitions from the Query Tracker Blog:

 

 

Suspense: While often lumped together, suspense novels are generally not as intense as thrillers. The threat is often directed at the main character. Can include many elements but often includes mystery, murder, a little romance, danger, action.

 

Thriller: More intense than suspense; the threat is often against a larger group than just the main character (threats against the community, a city, a country, the world). Usually about life and death situations where ordinary heroes are up against mastermind villains. Generally lots of action and plot twists. The Da Vinci Code, The Hunt for Red October and Enemy of the State are examples.

 

Women's: There are several different sub-genres, but in general this genre is geared toward women; a woman is the main character and her development, life, experiences, etc, are the backbone of the story. Think Fried Green Tomatoes.

 

Mystery: The plot is geared toward the solving of a problem, often, but not always, murder. Subplots are fine (many have a romantic element), but the “problem” (i.e. the mystery) presented at the beginning must be resolved. Murder on the Orient Express is an example.

Based off these and what you've described of your book, my best guess is that you fall under Suspense. While from my understanding Women's fiction doesn't have to be a "slice of life" story (I remember someone writing a query here a while back about a woman dealing with amnesia and the fact that she didn't know who to trust, and someone more versed in the genre than I confirmed it indeed fit), your story sounds too dangerous, I guess. It doesn't sound like you have a mystery, because we as the reader know what happened to Alice, and thriller seems too broad. Granted, I don't really read these genres, but I hope this helps hone things in.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#91 yawriter

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Posted 16 June 2018 - 10:30 PM

Some genre definitions from the Query Tracker Blog:

 

Based off these and what you've described of your book, my best guess is that you fall under Suspense. While from my understanding Women's fiction doesn't have to be a "slice of life" story (I remember someone writing a query here a while back about a woman dealing with amnesia and the fact that she didn't know who to trust, and someone more versed in the genre than I confirmed it indeed fit), your story sounds too dangerous, I guess. It doesn't sound like you have a mystery, because we as the reader know what happened to Alice, and thriller seems too broad. Granted, I don't really read these genres, but I hope this helps hone things in.

 

Thank you!!! I'll have to read some suspense books because I've never read any. I always read woman's fiction and YA. So based off what I read all the time, I think it resembles what I normally read. I'll read suspense and see if it fits into that category now with your direction. 



#92 Denisa

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Posted Yesterday, 07:51 AM

Newest versions are always here.

 

VERSION #17... Rewind! I see all your comments that the older version was better, and raise you a revamped version. Thanks for the feedback everyone!

 

TITLE: playing around with new titles. Any votes?

Soul In Pieces

Fragmented

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Most wish for their teenage crush to notice them. For Alice, it was handsome and hooded Jake, who played guitar at the beach. Six years later and at the age of twenty-two, her wish comes true. But, she does not recognize him. I think your hook works better without this last sentence. And you actually start with Alice not recognizing him in your next para.

 

Without his hoodie and guitar, Alice is unaware that the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing is Jake. He becomes the reason Alice’s haunting thoughts of her violent ex, Seth, diminish. Just as her playful and tender connection with Jake deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her. Chained to a bedpost, he tries to force a rekindling. Alice knows that Jake would expend all his resources to find her. However, because of Seth’s status not the status but rather his skills? as a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow. No hope of being rescued drives her to act on the only opportunity to escape. you could try making her more proactive here, buy just saying she has to be her own hero or take her faith in her own hands or something   The hunt for Alice begins. I don't really get this, but it might just be me.

 

PIECES OF ALICE is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

 

I think your query is really good. I mean, I have no real comments to offer except some nitpicks. And I think your query does it's job. Great work!



#93 yawriter

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Posted Yesterday, 06:55 PM

I think your query is really good. I mean, I have no real comments to offer except some nitpicks. And I think your query does it's job. Great work!

 

Thank you! I liked your idea about taking out that last line of the first paragraph. I didn't notice that it works without it. 



#94 smoskale

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Posted Yesterday, 10:47 PM

I like Frangented better. Soul in pieces seems a bit too sappy

Fragmented

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Most wish for their teenage crush to notice them. Seems like the first sentence is too general. Perhaps combine with the second: Alice's teenage crush, handsome hooded Jake, played guitar at the beach and hardly noticed her. For Alice, it was handsome and hooded Jake, who played guitar at the beach. Six years later and at the age of twenty-two, her wish comes true. Six years later, at twenty-six, it's Alice's turn to not notice him. 

 

But, without his hoodie and guitar, Alice is unaware that doesn't recognize Jake in the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing is Jake. He becomes the reason Alice’s haunting thoughts of her violent ex, Seth, diminish. But just as her playful and tender connection with Jake deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.I'm a bit confused here about the vengeance--did she wrong him in the past? Also, did he disappear before? Perhaps make this last clause clearer:  "Seth learns of her new relationship, jealous and determined to get her back" or something

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her. Chained to a bedpost, he tries to force a rekindling. Alice knows that Jake would expend all his resources not sure what resources stand for. Perhaps, Jake would do all he can to find her. However, because of Seth’s status as is a police officer, Alice realizes he there are would be leave no loose ends for Jake to follow. No Losing hope of being rescued drives her to act on the only opportunity to This is a bit too vague and also it's passive. Perhaps, she ceases the only opportunity for escape.think of adding a detail here to make it specific.The hunt for Alice begins.

 

PIECES OF ALICE (women’s fiction) is completed at 98,000 words. 

 

I like Frangented better. Soul in pieces seems a bit sappy

Fragmented

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Most wish for their teenage crush to notice them. Seems like the first sentence is too general. Perhaps combine with the second: Alice's teenage crush, handsome hooded Jake, played guitar at the beach and hardly noticed her. For Alice, it was handsome and hooded Jake, who played guitar at the beach. Six years later and at the age of twenty-two, her wish comes true. Six years later, at twenty-six, it's Alice's turn to not notice him. 

 

But, without his hoodie and guitar, Alice is unaware that doesn't recognize Jake in the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing is Jake. He becomes the reason Alice’s haunting thoughts of her violent ex, Seth, diminish. But just as her playful and tender connection with Jake deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.I'm a bit confused here about the vengeance--did she wrong him in the past? Also, did he disappear before? Perhaps make this last clause clearer:  "Seth learns of her new relationship, jealous and determined to get her back" or something

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her. Chained to a bedpost, he tries to force a rekindling. Alice knows that Jake would expend all his resources not sure what resources stand for. Perhaps, Jake would do all he can to find her. However, because of Seth’s status as is a police officer, Alice realizes he there are would be leave no loose ends for Jake to follow. No Losing hope of being rescued drives her to act on the only opportunity to This is a bit too vague and also it's passive. Perhaps, she ceases the only opportunity for escape.think of adding a detail here to make it specific.The hunt for Alice begins.

 

PIECES OF ALICE (women’s fiction) is completed at 98,000 words. 

 


#95 yawriter

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Posted Today, 09:59 PM

I like Frangented better. Soul in pieces seems a bit too sappy

Fragmented

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Most wish for their teenage crush to notice them. Seems like the first sentence is too general. Perhaps combine with the second: Alice's teenage crush, handsome hooded Jake, played guitar at the beach and hardly noticed her. For Alice, it was handsome and hooded Jake, who played guitar at the beach. Six years later and at the age of twenty-two, her wish comes true. Six years later, at twenty-six, it's Alice's turn to not notice him. 

 

But, without his hoodie and guitar, Alice is unaware that doesn't recognize Jake in the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing is Jake. He becomes the reason Alice’s haunting thoughts of her violent ex, Seth, diminish. But just as her playful and tender connection with Jake deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.I'm a bit confused here about the vengeance--did she wrong him in the past? Also, did he disappear before? Perhaps make this last clause clearer:  "Seth learns of her new relationship, jealous and determined to get her back" or something

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her. Chained to a bedpost, he tries to force a rekindling. Alice knows that Jake would expend all his resources not sure what resources stand for. Perhaps, Jake would do all he can to find her. However, because of Seth’s status as is a police officer, Alice realizes he there are would be leave no loose ends for Jake to follow. No Losing hope of being rescued drives her to act on the only opportunity to This is a bit too vague and also it's passive. Perhaps, she ceases the only opportunity for escape.think of adding a detail here to make it specific.The hunt for Alice begins.

 

PIECES OF ALICE (women’s fiction) is completed at 98,000 words. 

 

I like Frangented better. Soul in pieces seems a bit sappy

Fragmented

 

 

 

 

Thank you! I loved your idea to change the hook. 







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