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For most, falling in love is a blessing. For Alice Bakers, it is a curse. Falling in love with Jonny Presser gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. The need for a quiet getaway inspires her to trespass into the pool area of the Paradise Hotel. (I would give here something stronger than a quiet getaway, like she has to escape from him because....Exactly, I want to know why. Is she scared he will kill her or is she tired of being abused and realizes that she has to save herself? You need to raise the stakes here.) Fortunately, this one unlawful (why unlawful?) decision may break the curse.
Jake Taylor, the charming hotel manager, spots Alice. In the midst of their light conversation,
the bushes rustleand a fresh footprint is discovered outside of the fence. (who discovers it and why is it important? Does she think it's Johny?) With a sinking feeling that Jonny is spying on her, she flees, leaving Jake wanting more.(maybe shocked or disapointed? It lacks drama here)
Alice accepts a few date invitations from Jake, establishing a playful, romantic connection. (There's no connection to the previous sentence. Try to spice it up, like she's afraid of new relationship, but the new guy is persistent or something?) This enrages Jonny and triggers him to confront Alice
He explainsand explain
how desperate he is to win her back. To give her a small taste of what he has in store after she refuses, he does not hold back on another beating. Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime, Jake, is enough to hold back Jonny’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal. (I would focus on what she does to escape Johny. Hope is not enough and it seems like she's not trying to do anything to free herself from his toxic influence. And once again raise the stakes - what happens if she lets him beat her. I need more drama :)
Sorry for all the scary red, it's just easier for me to write my feedback :) My main problem here is that there's no fire (of love) and no drama. I'm sorry but it just seems a bit flat. I think that your story has an emotional impact (it should at least :p) being about a toxic relationship and a victim overcoming her fear. My advice is to spice it up, show the reader why he should care about Alice and how is she fighting to gain control over her life. I know that writing a query is hard, I've rewritten mine a few times and that was the hardest thing I had to write, haha.
Don't worry, you'll get there!
Also, if you could take a look at my query as well I'd be more than happy: