Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HURT ME- Will critique back!!

Womens Fiction

  • Please log in to reply
110 replies to this topic

#21 AsperBlurry

AsperBlurry

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 47 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:Polish literary magazines

Posted 15 May 2018 - 08:11 AM

Newest versions are always here

 

Please leave a link to your query :)

 

VERSION #4

 

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For Alice Bakers, it is a curse. Falling in love with Jonny Presser gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. The need for a quiet getaway inspires her to trespass into the pool area of the Paradise Hotel. (I would give here something stronger than a quiet getaway, like she has to escape from him because....Exactly, I want to know why. Is she scared he will kill her or is she tired of being abused and realizes that she has to save herself? You need to raise the stakes here.) Fortunately, this one unlawful (why unlawful?) decision may break the curse. 

 

Jake Taylor, the charming hotel manager, spots Alice. In the midst of their light conversation, the bushes rustle and a fresh footprint is discovered outside of the fence. (who discovers it and why is it important? Does she think it's Johny?) With a sinking feeling that Jonny is spying on her, she flees, leaving Jake wanting more. (maybe shocked or disapointed? It lacks drama here)

 

Alice accepts a few date invitations from Jake, establishing a playful, romantic connection. (There's no connection to the previous sentence. Try to spice it up, like she's afraid of new relationship, but the new guy is persistent or something?) This enrages Jonny and triggers him to confront Alice He explains  and explain

how desperate he is to win her back. To give her a small taste of what he has in store after she refuses, he does not hold back on another beating. Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime, Jake, is enough to hold back Jonny’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal. (I would focus on what she does to escape Johny. Hope is not enough and it seems like she's not trying to do anything to free herself from his toxic influence. And once again raise the stakes -  what happens if she lets him beat her. I need more drama :)

 

Sorry for all the scary red, it's just easier for me to write my feedback :) My main problem here is that there's no fire (of love) and no drama. I'm sorry but it just seems a bit flat.  I think that your story has an emotional impact (it should at least :p) being about a toxic relationship and a victim overcoming her fear. My advice is to spice it up, show the reader why he should care about Alice and how is she fighting to gain control over her life. I know that writing a query is hard, I've rewritten mine a few times and that was the hardest thing I had to write, haha.  

 

Don't worry, you'll get there! 

 

Also, if you could take a look at my query as well I'd be more than happy: 

http://agentquerycon...ary-revision-5/



#22 jpfranco

jpfranco

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 43 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:None as of yet

Posted 15 May 2018 - 08:41 AM

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For Alice Bakers, it is a curse. Falling in love with Jonny Presser gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. The need for a quiet getaway inspires her to trespass into the pool area of the Paradise Hotel. Fortunately, this one unlawful decision may break the curse. 

 

Jake Taylor, the charming hotel manager, spots Alice. In the midst of their light conversation, the bushes rustle and a fresh footprint is discovered outside of the fence. With a sinking feeling that Jonny is spying on her, she flees, leaving Jake wanting more.

 

Alice accepts a few date invitations from Jake, establishing a playful, romantic connection. This enrages Jonny and triggers him to confront Alice. He explains how desperate he is to win her back. To give her a small taste of what he has in store after she refuses, he does not hold back on another beating. Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime, Jake, is enough to hold back Jonny’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal.

 

I think you've gone backward here. This reads like a synopsis, not a query, and it's almost exclusively telling, rather than showing. They establish a connection, Jonny confronts Alice... This is all telling. You don't have to, and really can't, actually, tell the whole story in your query. It's just enough to give the gist and get them interested. You need characters, setting, stakes. That's about all you have space for. You've got to lose the 'reign of fire' thing, unless he is actually using fire. It doesn't really make sense otherwise and the agent is going to immediately peg you as an overwriter. The footprint thing isn't that compelling. 

 

Back to the drawing board. Good luck!



#23 Heliagrey

Heliagrey

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 70 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Previously published with Great Potential Press.

Posted 15 May 2018 - 09:11 AM

Newest versions are always here

 

Please leave a link to your query :)

 

VERSION #4

 

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For Alice Bakers, it is a curse. Falling in love with Jonny Presser gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. The need for a quiet getaway inspires her to trespass into the pool area of the Paradise Hotel. Fortunately, this one unlawful decision may break the curse. (This is my 3rd time editing your query- and this is definitely the best one yet. It's a little long for a hook, I'd snappy it up a bit, but the reading of it flows beautifully. An agent would be able to get through this without stopping.)

 

Jake Taylor, the charming hotel manager, spots Alice. (I'd do a 'when Jake Taylor, etc. etc, spots Alice, xyz happens... instead of a small independent sentence like you have.) In the midst of their light conversation, the bushes rustle and a fresh footprint is discovered outside of the fence. (Technically the fresh footprint isn't discovered in the midst of their conversation, is it? It sounds a little peculiar- but wow, this is a lot snappier than it was, good revision!) With a sinking feeling that Jonny is spying on her, she flees, leaving Jake wanting more. (Yes!!)

 

Alice accepts a few date invitations from Jake, establishing a playful, romantic connection. This enrages Jonny (So it was Jonny in the bush? This hasn't been actually specified) and triggers him to confront Alice. He explains how desperate he is to win her back. (He's stalking her- this sentence is pretty much a given)To give her a small taste of what he has in store after she refuses to take him back, he does not hold back on another beating. Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime,(she's only gone on a few playful dates with him, and now he's her partner in crime?) Jake, is enough to hold back Jonny’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal.

 

So this got much snappier and readable- point to you! Where I'm still struggling is with Alice herself. She's your main character and she feels passive to me. Right now, I'd not read this book. It seems like the only payoff is that she ends up with Jake, but it's not much of a payoff; we don't even know him. He may be another stalker. 

 

I'd take a step back and look at your heroine. What makes her stand apart? What does she DO- other than run? Where's her sense of spirit, her indomitable will? Yes, she's been battered, and she's an abuse victim, but that doesn't define who she is. What does she want? I want to get to care about Alice, so I NEED to read about the book. And honestly, I want a bigger payoff than happy ever after with Jake. 

 

Good luck- every time it's getting better. <3 

 

http://agentquerycon...ns-ya-fantasy/ 



#24 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 124 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 15 May 2018 - 10:34 AM

This sounds like a very passionate story! I have a few suggestions. Good luck!

Thank you for your feedback! I have returned the favor :)



#25 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 124 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 15 May 2018 - 10:36 AM

T

 

 

Newest versions are always here

 

Please leave a link to your query :)

 

VERSION #4

 

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For Alice Bakers, it is a curse. Falling in love with Jonny Presser gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. The need for a quiet getaway inspires her to trespass into the pool area of the Paradise Hotel. Fortunately, this one unlawful decision may break the curse. (This is my 3rd time editing your query- and this is definitely the best one yet. It's a little long for a hook, I'd snappy it up a bit, but the reading of it flows beautifully. An agent would be able to get through this without stopping.)

 

Jake Taylor, the charming hotel manager, spots Alice. (I'd do a 'when Jake Taylor, etc. etc, spots Alice, xyz happens... instead of a small independent sentence like you have.) In the midst of their light conversation, the bushes rustle and a fresh footprint is discovered outside of the fence. (Technically the fresh footprint isn't discovered in the midst of their conversation, is it? It sounds a little peculiar- but wow, this is a lot snappier than it was, good revision!) With a sinking feeling that Jonny is spying on her, she flees, leaving Jake wanting more. (Yes!!)

 

Alice accepts a few date invitations from Jake, establishing a playful, romantic connection. This enrages Jonny (So it was Jonny in the bush? This hasn't been actually specified) and triggers him to confront Alice. He explains how desperate he is to win her back. (He's stalking her- this sentence is pretty much a given)To give her a small taste of what he has in store after she refuses to take him back, he does not hold back on another beating. Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime,(she's only gone on a few playful dates with him, and now he's her partner in crime?) Jake, is enough to hold back Jonny’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal.

 

So this got much snappier and readable- point to you! Where I'm still struggling is with Alice herself. She's your main character and she feels passive to me. Right now, I'd not read this book. It seems like the only payoff is that she ends up with Jake, but it's not much of a payoff; we don't even know him. He may be another stalker. 

 

I'd take a step back and look at your heroine. What makes her stand apart? What does she DO- other than run? Where's her sense of spirit, her indomitable will? Yes, she's been battered, and she's an abuse victim, but that doesn't define who she is. What does she want? I want to get to care about Alice, so I NEED to read about the book. And honestly, I want a bigger payoff than happy ever after with Jake. 

 

Good luck- every time it's getting better. <3 

 

http://agentquerycon...ns-ya-fantasy/ 

Thank you for my first positive review  and for reading this several times :) I really appreciate it. I'm going to make my way back to yours ASAP :)



#26 Heliagrey

Heliagrey

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 70 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Previously published with Great Potential Press.

Posted 15 May 2018 - 12:38 PM

Newest versions are always here

Please leave a link to your query :)

VERSION #5 - a much more condensed version
 

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For Alice Bakers, it is a curse. Falling in love with Jonny Presser gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. (I'd just start the sentence with "Jonny Presser gave her the...) since you've already said falling in love in the beginning, you've established what you're talking about.) Once her (he) lured her in like a hungry shark, she became his personal prey that he could chew up and spit out whenever he desired. (I like this. I don't know if it's necessary, but I also don't care because I like it.)

 

In need of a quiet getaway, she trespasses on hotel property, which is the one unlawful decision that may break the curse. (Since you cut out the stuff in the hook about the unlawful decision, it makes little to no sense here to frame it like you did.)

 

In her illicit attempt to escape Jonny, she meets charming hotel manager Jake Taylor, and the two establish a playful, romantic connection. But, this new relationship enrages Johnny, and his desperate pleas to win her back deteriorate (s) into yet another  beating. Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime, Jake, is (will be) enough to hold back Jonny’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal.

 

First off, thanks for your own feedback on mine, love. ;) Next, I think you did a nicer job on the second paragraph in THIS version... buuut I liked the last one more altogether- your phrasing, etc.  that being said, I'm still not sure I'd read the book because I don't feel like I know anything about Alice, other than the men in her life. I'm sure you have a dynamic character in there- let her come out in the query! 

 



#27 Springfield

Springfield

    Find me at properediting.com

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,119 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 15 May 2018 - 12:54 PM

Newest versions are always here

Please leave a link to your query :)

VERSION #5 - a much more condensed version
 

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For Alice Bakers, it is a curse. Falling in love with Jonny Presser gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. Once her lured her in like a hungry shark, she became his personal prey that he could chew up and spit out whenever he desired.

 

In need of a quiet getaway, she trespasses on hotel property, which is the one unlawful decision that may break the curse.

 

In her illicit attempt to escape Jonny, she meets charming hotel manager Jake Taylor, and the two establish a playful, romantic connection. But, this new relationship enrages Johnny, and his desperate pleas to win her back deteriorate into yet another beating. Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime, Jake, is enough to hold back Jonny’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal.

 

 

You never demonstrate she has any self-respect, or that she does anything. She's, again, entirely passive. 

 

How does the book end? Does Alice do something or is she rescued by Jake?



#28 JDSmith

JDSmith

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 46 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:I have finished my first novel and am currently figuring out the publishing process in hopes to one day be published.

Posted 15 May 2018 - 04:23 PM

Newest versions are always here

Please leave a link to your query :)

VERSION #5 - a much more condensed version
 

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For Alice Bakers, it is a curse. Falling in love with Jonny Presser gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. Once her lured her in like a hungry shark, she became his personal prey that he could chew up and spit out whenever he desired.

 

In need of a quiet getaway, she trespasses on hotel property, which is the one unlawful decision that may break the curse. (So... is it an actual curse or metaphorical curse?)

 

In her illicit attempt to escape Jonny, she meets charming hotel manager Jake Taylor, and the two establish a playful, romantic connection. But, this new relationship enrages Johnny, and his desperate pleas to win her back deteriorate into yet another beating. Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime, Jake, is enough to hold back Jonny’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal.

(So I know you just condensed it, but bear with me... it feels like it's lacking. I'm going into this without reading the previous versions, so I'm not sure what it is you've condensed. I think you could cut out the last names of everyone except Alice. Personally, I think it makes it easier to identify who's the protagonist and might flow better as a result. Add more about Alice. What's she like? What's her favorite toothbrush? idk just something to get us to root for her)

 

(I think you need to add something like this to help the reader clarify what kind of story this is)

** PIECES OF ALICE is a (YA, MG, Adult), (Fiction, Fantasy) novel complete at (92,000) words. It is a stand alone novel (with series potential, if that's the case)

 

 (By adding these two sentences, I can be assured whether or not certain terms in the letter are literal or not)


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#29 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 124 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 15 May 2018 - 07:56 PM

Please leave a link to your query :)

Latest and greatest: VERSION #5 - a much more condensed version
 

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For Alice Bakers, it is a curse. Falling in love with Jonny Presser gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. Once her lured her in like a hungry shark, she became his personal prey that he could chew up and spit out whenever he desired.

 

In need of a quiet getaway, she trespasses on hotel property, which is the one unlawful decision that may break the curse.

 

In her illicit attempt to escape Jonny, she meets charming hotel manager Jake Taylor, and the two establish a playful, romantic connection. But, this new relationship enrages Johnny, and his desperate pleas to win her back deteriorate into yet another beating. Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime, Jake, is enough to hold back Jonny’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal.



#30 AsperBlurry

AsperBlurry

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 47 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationEurope
  • Publishing Experience:Polish literary magazines

Posted 16 May 2018 - 07:39 AM

Newest versions are always here

Please leave a link to your query :)

VERSION #6 -

 

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For twenty-two-year-old Alice Bakers, it is a tragedy. Police officer Jonny gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. Once her he lured her in like a hungry shark, she became his personal prey that he could chew up and spit out whenever he desired.

 

A well-deserved quiet getaway to mull things over and harden her defenses (good, it gives me insights to her trying to get away from her opressor) inspires Alice to trespass on hotel property. In her illicit attempt to escape Jonny, she meets charming hotel manager Jake, and the two establish a playful, romantic connection. But, this new relationship enrages Jonny, and his desperate pleas to win her back deteriorates into yet another beating. Alice can only hope (I'd put here something different than hope. Because it seems like she's only a victim counting on help of yet another guy. Show us her strength, her struggles to overcome it) that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime, Jake, will be enough to hold back Jonny’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal.

 

As if accusing a highly respected police officer is not difficult enough, Alice and Jake are unprepared to take on the hidden pawns of Jonny’s scheme. (I like the idea of her finally accusing Johny, but there's still something missing. Maybe try to put it in different words? how do they fight him?)   

 

PIECES OF ALICE is an adult romance, complete at 98,300 words. It is a stand alone novel with series potential...

 

I like this version better and I think you're on the right track here! But try to tell us more about Alice. Who is she, what are her dreams/plans? I need to know her better to get involved into her story.

 

And here's my query, please take a look at it :) http://agentquerycon...n-the-1st-post/



#31 rhwashere

rhwashere

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 223 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 16 May 2018 - 03:22 PM

Newest versions are always here

Please leave a link to your query :)

VERSION #7- Heads up! I have changed Jonny to the name Seth 

 

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For twenty-two-year-old Alice Bakers, it is a tragedy. Police officer Seth gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it (its not immediately clear here that Seth is a boyfriend, as opposed to a policeman given to the use of force). Lured into being his personal prey, he chewed her up and spit her out whenever he desired (Not a fan of this sentence; maybe it's the chewed her up and spit her out cliche, maybe it's the vagueness of it all. Could you show him doing this instead?). After Alice boldly ends the relationship, she worries his influence will always haunt her.

 

A well-deserved quiet getaway to mull things over and harden her defenses inspires Alice to trespass on hotel property (How? This doesn't make sense. Most of my quiet getaways don't inspire me to trespass. What does this have to do with escaping Seth?). In her illicit attempt to escape Seth, she meets charming hotel manager Jake, and the two establish a playful, romantic connection. But, this new relationship enrages Seth, and his desperate pleas to win her back deteriorates into yet another beating. (I'm confused. If they're broken up, how is he still beating her?) Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime, Jake (The way this sentence is worded, it makes Jake sound like he is Alice's newfound self-respect. I don't think that's what you intended), will be enough to hold back Seth’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal.

 

As if accusing a highly respected police officer is not difficult enough (This is the first you've mentioned an attempt to accuse Seth), Alice and Jake are unprepared to take on the hidden pawns (plural) of Seth’s scheme...her manipulated best friend (singular). 

 

I don't like this ending at all. It should not be the first place you introduce Alice's scheme to accuse Seth, nor her manipulated best friend. These aspects should be introduced earlier and somehow turned on their head at the end. So far, your query only sets up Alice as an abused woman who finds a new love and her abuser won't let her go. What makes your story different than the hundreds of others like this? What is Alice actually going to do to get back at Seth? The only two actions she takes in this query are going on vacation and trespassing on hotel property. What does she do (or plan to do) that adds real conflict to your story?

 

 

PIECES OF ALICE is an adult romance, complete at 98,300 words. It is a stand alone novel with series potential...

 

I hope that helps! If so, would you mind taking a peek at my revised query? The link is in the signature.


Please feel free to critique my query: http://agentquerycon...51718/?p=356935


#32 Springfield

Springfield

    Find me at properediting.com

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,119 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 16 May 2018 - 03:40 PM

I ask again, how does this actually end? 



#33 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 124 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 16 May 2018 - 06:19 PM

I ask again, how does this actually end? 

 

Queries are not supposed to include endings. 



#34 cmmg

cmmg

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 120 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationCanada

Posted 16 May 2018 - 07:42 PM

Queries are not supposed to include endings. 

I think they're asking because you imply there's a different type of story with each query ending. So they mean it like "each query implies the plot is wildly different, how does it actually end?"

Also, I do think that looking at what the stakes/plot are are the biggest issues with your query. Even when we get the set-up we have to know the win/loss scenario of the MC and HOW she can win, but I don't get a sense of how she can do anything here in any of these endings, that has any agency. The last one is the closest since it implies Alice has some kind of plan, but is that the main struggle? If the main struggle is "Alice tries to get her abusive ex thrown in jail so she can be with her lover" that's a very different vibe then I get which is "Seth is Really, REALLY abusive, Alice tries to find love elsewhere and fails. And then accuses him of something?"

I think you've gotten A LOT better with the way you're writing the set-up but there's still a disconnect between the set-up, the end of Act 1/the end of the query and the stakes.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#35 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 124 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 16 May 2018 - 10:20 PM

I think they're asking because you imply there's a different type of story with each query ending. So they mean it like "each query implies the plot is wildly different, how does it actually end?"

Also, I do think that looking at what the stakes/plot are are the biggest issues with your query. Even when we get the set-up we have to know the win/loss scenario of the MC and HOW she can win, but I don't get a sense of how she can do anything here in any of these endings, that has any agency. The last one is the closest since it implies Alice has some kind of plan, but is that the main struggle? If the main struggle is "Alice tries to get her abusive ex thrown in jail so she can be with her lover" that's a very different vibe then I get which is "Seth is Really, REALLY abusive, Alice tries to find love elsewhere and fails. And then accuses him of something?"

I think you've gotten A LOT better with the way you're writing the set-up but there's still a disconnect between the set-up, the end of Act 1/the end of the query and the stakes.

 

I'm sorry. I misunderstood why you were asking. To address what you've mentioned, I have a tough time getting down the the nitty gritty of a story when it's SO complicated in actuality. There are many different plot lines that tie together at the end, so this is my discovery of what the bare bones of my story really is. Every time I have a new comment, it pushes me to think deeper that's why the ending of each version always changes. It's difficult finding a fine balance of the high stakes, the romance, the action, Alice's character traits, the relationship she had with Seth, making one paragraph flow to the next without it confusing people and what he plans on doing to Alice in less than 250 words lol. I've also looked at it so much, that I no longer know if it makes sense..but that's the life of a writer right? =] Keep pushing on. Thanks for helping me see things from a 3rd party perspective. Have you updated a new version of your query? Happy to look at it again. 



#36 Springfield

Springfield

    Find me at properediting.com

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,119 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 16 May 2018 - 10:31 PM

Yes -- I'm not suggesting you put the ending of the book in the query. I'm asking what the actual ending of the book is because I'm having a hard time understanding where the book is going and the whole arc.



#37 W.P.

W.P.

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 119 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationEurope

Posted 17 May 2018 - 02:07 AM

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For twenty-two-year-old Alice Bakers, it is a tragedy. Police officer Seth gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. ((Really like where you start. But I'm wondering if "tragedy" is the best word here. It just seems a bit out of place. especially when you say "to prove it". Although abuse is tragic, I think there might be other words that describe it better and that better "contrast" with the word "blessing". But I'm just nitpicking here. ))

Lured into being his personal prey, he chewed her up and spit her out whenever he desired.  ((this is implied in all abuse stories. I think what makes this story stand out is the next part: her breaking up)) After Alice boldly ((I know what you mean, but it sounds better without it))ends the relationship, she worries his influence will always haunt her.

 

A well-deserved quiet getaway to mull things over and harden her defenses((it was way too wordy. queries should have that fast-paced style)) inspires Alice to trespass on hotel property. In her illicit attempt to escape Seth, she meets charming hotel manager Jake, and the two establish a playful, romantic connection. But, this new relationship enrages Seth, and his desperate pleas to win her back deteriorates into yet another beating. Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect ((I'd be very careful with this. I know what you mean but it can easily be interpreted as saying that women in abusive relationships have no self-respect when there are other factors such as the safety of their lives and of others. I think the best way to go around this is to change self-respect to "will" or "newfound strength". But that's just me worrying people might take offence. They might not)) and partner in crime, Jake, will be enough to hold back Seth’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal.

 

As if accusing a highly respected police officer is not difficult enough, Alice and Jake are unprepared to take on the hidden pawns of Seth’s scheme...her manipulated best friend.  ((this last sentence doesn't quite work. It's a bit too vague and isn't tight enough. It doesn't give us an image or a concrete idea of the consequences.))

 

 

 

 

PIECES OF ALICE is an adult romance, complete at 98,300 words. It is a stand alone novel with series potential...

 

 

 

Your query is interesting and to the point. I think it could be improved by tightening the writing and working on that last sentence. :) I hope some of this will be of help.

 

Here's the link to my query: http://agentquerycon...ren-ya-fantasy/



#38 crestakaz

crestakaz

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 64 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 17 May 2018 - 02:19 AM

Newest versions are always here

Please leave a link to your query :)

VERSION #7- Heads up! I have changed Jonny to the name Seth 

 

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For twenty-two-year-old Alice Bakers, it is a tragedy. Not a bad hook; maybe a little cliched, but I still like it Police officer Seth gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. As sad as this bit is, I like it Lured into being his personal prey, he chewed her up and spit her out whenever he desired (pleased?). After Alice boldly ends the relationship, she worries his influence will always haunt her.

 

A well-deserved quiet getaway to mull things over and harden her defenses inspires Alice to trespass on hotel property Why, though? Is it for thrills? Or is there something she sees/wants? You don't have to get terribly specific--I'm not not sure how the whole quiet getaway leads to her doing this. In her illicit attempt to escape Seth, she meets charming hotel manager Jake, and the two establish a playful, romantic connection neither adjective is strong enough in my opinion to be needed. But, this Her new relationship enrages Seth, and his desperate pleas to win her back deteriorates into yet another beating This seems too specific to be in a query; one-time incidents that aren't turning points in the novel (which this doesn't seem to be) feel out of place. Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime, Jake, will be enough to hold back Seth’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal This is somewhat better in that it shows something systemic and repetitive that gets worse and worse. I'd suggest bringing up more of these types of incidents (e.g. "Seth's retaliations, which start at ____ and end up at _____, only get worse as time goes on. 

 

As if accusing a highly respected police officer is not difficult enough, Alice and Jake are unprepared to take on the hidden pawns of Seth’s scheme...her manipulated best friend what? The query ends here? Feels a little early, especially for a best friend out of nowhere to be pulled up.

 

Stakes?

 

 

 

PIECES OF ALICE is an adult romance, complete at 98,300 words. It is a stand alone novel with series potential...

 

The most glaring issue I spot is the lack of stakes? What happens if Alice does X? What happens if Alice doesn't do X? This is the essential quesiton you need to establish at the end of your query so agents want to read to find out what happens. Also, the best friend at the end feels a little out of the blue, particularly because the query just ends there. I think you need to flesh that out a little more in terms of what comes after the best friend bit.

Anyway, I think you've got a good basis, especially within the first two paragraphs :) It's just the last one that seems a little wanting.

 

If you don't mind returning the critique, my query is here:

http://agentquerycon...tique/?p=356791



#39 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 124 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 17 May 2018 - 08:03 PM

The most glaring issue I spot is the lack of stakes? What happens if Alice does X? What happens if Alice doesn't do X? This is the essential quesiton you need to establish at the end of your query so agents want to read to find out what happens. Also, the best friend at the end feels a little out of the blue, particularly because the query just ends there. I think you need to flesh that out a little more in terms of what comes after the best friend bit.

Anyway, I think you've got a good basis, especially within the first two paragraphs :) It's just the last one that seems a little wanting.

 

If you don't mind returning the critique, my query is here:

http://agentquerycon...tique/?p=356791

 

Thank you! I've returned the favor :)  I'd love for you to check out my latest version.


I hope that helps! If so, would you mind taking a peek at my revised query? The link is in the signature.

Thank you for the help! I've returned the favor :)  I'd love for you to check out my latest version. 



#40 RosieSkye

RosieSkye

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 717 posts
  • Literary Status:agented
  • LocationUS Southwest

Posted 17 May 2018 - 10:48 PM

 

Please leave a link to your query :)

Latest and greatest: VERSION #5 - a much more condensed version

 

For most, falling in love is a blessing. For Alice Bakers, it is a curse. Falling in love with Jonny Presser gave her the physical and emotional scars to prove it. Once her he lured her in like a hungry shark, (sharks are really known as aggressive hunters more than lurers - maybe a different simile here?) she became his personal prey that he could chew up and spit out whenever he desired.

 

In need of a quiet getaway, she trespasses on hotel property, which is the one unlawful decision that may break the curse. (I'd adjust this wording.  There's technically a slew of unlawful decisions that could break this curse - killing Jonny, for instance.)

 

In her illicit attempt to escape Jonny, she meets charming hotel manager Jake Taylor, and the two establish a playful, romantic connection. But, this new relationship enrages Johnny, and his desperate pleas to win her back deteriorate into yet another beating. Alice can only hope that her newfound self-respect and partner in crime, Jake, is enough to hold back Jonny’s reign of fire as his attacks get increasingly more brutal.  (I'm not sensing a lot from Alice here. You say she has newfound self-respect, but it sounds like she's still just a victim of this abusive a-hole.)

 

 

 

Your story is intriguing, but unfortunately I'm not seeing much here to differentiate it from anything else in the abusive-relationship genre.  What makes it new or special?  On that note, what's up with Alice?  She's coming across as nothing but a cowering victim, even after she's met a better guy.  Agents will want to see more agency from her (excuse the pun) and you need to give them something to latch onto in that respect.  Does she have some concrete plan to deal with Jonny?

 

Good luck!







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Womens Fiction

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users