Newest versions are always here
Please leave a link to your query :)
VERSION #8--- I would love to somehow cut the word count!
Dear Ms. [Agent],
For most, falling in love is a blessing. For twenty-two-year-old Alice Bakers, it is a misfortune. After noticing Seth’s manipulative behavior, Alice ends it with the respected police officer. But, Seth violently lashes out, giving Alice the impression that it will never be over.
I liked your previous opener better.
Dull and predictable—words Seth uses to describe her. To defy those labels, Alice commits a crime...a small crime. She trespasses on hotel property for a quiet getaway to mull things over and harden her defenses. In her illicit attempt to change, she meets charming hotel manager Jake, and the two establish a playful, romantic connection. However, this new relationship enrages Seth. His pleas to win her back quickly deteriorate into yet another beating. Alice’s newfound resilience motivates her to fight back, but she cannot win without Jake’s aid.
Alice weakens with each brutal attack, and her survival soon depends on Jake’s strength. To separate the two, Seth abducts Alice. She will have to fend for herself and escape before Jake assumes she’s dead and moves on.
PIECES OF ALICE is a romance completed at 98,000 words...
I’m going to second what the last critiquer said. Alice goes from being dependent one one dude to being dependent on another dude. I realize co-dependency is a thing, especially among the abused, but it would be nice to see Alice grow past that in some specific way.
Also, Jake assuming she’s dead and moving on makes him seem like almost as much of a jerk as Seth.