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Womens Fiction

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#81 yawriter

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Posted 07 June 2018 - 08:11 PM

Echoing comments above - it's still not clear what the book is about. I've read in a few places that it's a good idea to concentrate on the first act. I think you mentioned that the abduction happens quite late in the book. How late?  

Hey! Thanks for the help. I've changed the middle paragraph to make it a bit more powerful. It's the end of the book... so....that's what's makes it difficult. The point of view was from Alice's in the first query version, but people were saying it wasn't working since my book is from multiple perspectives and they wanted to know more about Jake's side especially when she gets abducted. There's no way for Alice to know what he's up to. So I'm trying to morph this one and if it doesn't work, I'll go back to the older version and keep hacking away at it :)


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#82 Tanja

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Posted 14 June 2018 - 06:22 AM

Hi,

I read a few posts and also read your post that you wanted to see first what people had to say about the new version. I agree with the others. Your previous version was much better. Work on that one, flesh it out. Concentrate on one character or two but yeah, the new version falls rather flat compared to the previous one

 

Also, I see it over and over again and I don't know why people don't add the genre anymore. It's either adult, or YA or NA or whatever else. But it has to be mentioned. Plus I don't really see how it can be a woman's fiction when two men play a major part. Plus I'd even put it under the category of a mystery and not just woman's fiction which is very vague. Maybe it's a romance mystery if that's a category. Do your research there. Be as precise as you can be.

 

PIECES OF ALICE is Adult? YA? NA? woman’s fiction mystery completed at 98,000 words.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#83 NerdWitch

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Posted 14 June 2018 - 03:40 PM

VERSION #14

 

 

Dear Ms. [Agent],

 

Alice, a wide-eyed and feisty young woman who desires to move past the trauma of being beaten and manipulated by her ex, Seth. Jake, a charming and well-established hotel manager, unexpectedly falls in love with Alice. Their connection deepens when Alice realizes Jake was her irresistible teenage crush. He was the boy who played guitar passionately at the beach every weekend with his mother. Just as she begins to revive, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Seth’s sick pleas to win her back all end in rejection, he abducts Alice and chains her to a bedpost in hopes to force a rekindling without Jake’s influence.

 

Alice, now a withered girl, attempts as many flawed escape plans as possible to escape Seth’s clutches. Jake, a ruined man, exhausts all his money and resources on a case that has no leads to locate the love of his life who is presumably dead. Every day that passes is hopeful, but every year is agony.

 

PIECES OF ALICE is woman’s women's fiction completed at 98,000 words. 

Just a few bits that needed changing but otherwise I think this is a very good query and the premise is really interesting. Best of luck!


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#84 lnloft

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Posted 14 June 2018 - 09:59 PM

Also, I see it over and over again and I don't know why people don't add the genre anymore. It's either adult, or YA or NA or whatever else. But it has to be mentioned. Plus I don't really see how it can be a woman's fiction when two men play a major part. Plus I'd even put it under the category of a mystery and not just woman's fiction which is very vague. Maybe it's a romance mystery if that's a category. Do your research there. Be as precise as you can be.

If you don't indicate an age, adult is implied. So you don't need to state your book is "adult mystery" or "adult romance" or whatever. Unless you think there is some reason an agent might be confused, you're safe just saying "my book is GENRE".


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#85 Tanja

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Posted 15 June 2018 - 12:34 AM

If you don't indicate an age, adult is implied. So you don't need to state your book is "adult mystery" or "adult romance" or whatever. Unless you think there is some reason an agent might be confused, you're safe just saying "my book is GENRE".

In all the time I've now dealt with this industry, I've never heard that before. Agents still write to give the genre. Same with twitter competitions. But hey, always open to learn new stuff :cool:


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#86 yawriter

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Posted 15 June 2018 - 09:43 PM

Hi,

I read a few posts and also read your post that you wanted to see first what people had to say about the new version. I agree with the others. Your previous version was much better. Work on that one, flesh it out. Concentrate on one character or two but yeah, the new version falls rather flat compared to the previous one

 

Also, I see it over and over again and I don't know why people don't add the genre anymore. It's either adult, or YA or NA or whatever else. But it has to be mentioned. Plus I don't really see how it can be a woman's fiction when two men play a major part. Plus I'd even put it under the category of a mystery and not just woman's fiction which is very vague. Maybe it's a romance mystery if that's a category. Do your research there. Be as precise as you can be.

 

PIECES OF ALICE is Adult? YA? NA? woman’s fiction mystery completed at 98,000 words.

 

Thanks for the help! I went back to the first version per everyone's requests. I'm pretty sure woman's fiction is a genre in and of it's own, but I you may be correct. 


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#87 yawriter

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Posted 15 June 2018 - 09:44 PM

If you don't indicate an age, adult is implied. So you don't need to state your book is "adult mystery" or "adult romance" or whatever. Unless you think there is some reason an agent might be confused, you're safe just saying "my book is GENRE".

I'm pretty sure woman's fiction is a genre in and of it's own, but I you may be correct. More research is in my future. I have gone back to the old version, thanks for the feedback! Is there anything of yours you'd like for me to look at? I'd like to return the favor.


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#88 Tanja

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Posted 15 June 2018 - 11:59 PM

Yes, women's fiction is a genre on it's own, but your story doesn't sound like women's fiction. In women's fiction the story is centered around women. Men play too  much of a large role in your story. Or at least that's what the query implies. Plus you got kidnapping in your story etc. which isn't really what women's fiction is about. I would compare your story with something like Gone Girl and that runs under Thriller.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#89 yawriter

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Posted 16 June 2018 - 09:35 AM

Yes, women's fiction is a genre on it's own, but your story doesn't sound like women's fiction. In women's fiction the story is centered around women. Men play too  much of a large role in your story. Or at least that's what the query implies. Plus you got kidnapping in your story etc. which isn't really what women's fiction is about. I would compare your story with something like Gone Girl and that runs under Thriller.

 

AH! Yes, I get it now. Thank you for clarifying.


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#90 lnloft

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Posted 16 June 2018 - 01:53 PM

Some genre definitions from the Query Tracker Blog:

 

 

Suspense: While often lumped together, suspense novels are generally not as intense as thrillers. The threat is often directed at the main character. Can include many elements but often includes mystery, murder, a little romance, danger, action.

 

Thriller: More intense than suspense; the threat is often against a larger group than just the main character (threats against the community, a city, a country, the world). Usually about life and death situations where ordinary heroes are up against mastermind villains. Generally lots of action and plot twists. The Da Vinci Code, The Hunt for Red October and Enemy of the State are examples.

 

Women's: There are several different sub-genres, but in general this genre is geared toward women; a woman is the main character and her development, life, experiences, etc, are the backbone of the story. Think Fried Green Tomatoes.

 

Mystery: The plot is geared toward the solving of a problem, often, but not always, murder. Subplots are fine (many have a romantic element), but the “problem” (i.e. the mystery) presented at the beginning must be resolved. Murder on the Orient Express is an example.

Based off these and what you've described of your book, my best guess is that you fall under Suspense. While from my understanding Women's fiction doesn't have to be a "slice of life" story (I remember someone writing a query here a while back about a woman dealing with amnesia and the fact that she didn't know who to trust, and someone more versed in the genre than I confirmed it indeed fit), your story sounds too dangerous, I guess. It doesn't sound like you have a mystery, because we as the reader know what happened to Alice, and thriller seems too broad. Granted, I don't really read these genres, but I hope this helps hone things in.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#91 yawriter

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Posted 16 June 2018 - 10:30 PM

Some genre definitions from the Query Tracker Blog:

 

Based off these and what you've described of your book, my best guess is that you fall under Suspense. While from my understanding Women's fiction doesn't have to be a "slice of life" story (I remember someone writing a query here a while back about a woman dealing with amnesia and the fact that she didn't know who to trust, and someone more versed in the genre than I confirmed it indeed fit), your story sounds too dangerous, I guess. It doesn't sound like you have a mystery, because we as the reader know what happened to Alice, and thriller seems too broad. Granted, I don't really read these genres, but I hope this helps hone things in.

 

Thank you!!! I'll have to read some suspense books because I've never read any. I always read woman's fiction and YA. So based off what I read all the time, I think it resembles what I normally read. I'll read suspense and see if it fits into that category now with your direction. 


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#92 Denisa

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Posted 18 June 2018 - 07:51 AM

Newest versions are always here.

 

VERSION #17... Rewind! I see all your comments that the older version was better, and raise you a revamped version. Thanks for the feedback everyone!

 

TITLE: playing around with new titles. Any votes?

Soul In Pieces

Fragmented

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Most wish for their teenage crush to notice them. For Alice, it was handsome and hooded Jake, who played guitar at the beach. Six years later and at the age of twenty-two, her wish comes true. But, she does not recognize him. I think your hook works better without this last sentence. And you actually start with Alice not recognizing him in your next para.

 

Without his hoodie and guitar, Alice is unaware that the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing is Jake. He becomes the reason Alice’s haunting thoughts of her violent ex, Seth, diminish. Just as her playful and tender connection with Jake deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her. Chained to a bedpost, he tries to force a rekindling. Alice knows that Jake would expend all his resources to find her. However, because of Seth’s status not the status but rather his skills? as a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow. No hope of being rescued drives her to act on the only opportunity to escape. you could try making her more proactive here, buy just saying she has to be her own hero or take her faith in her own hands or something   The hunt for Alice begins. I don't really get this, but it might just be me.

 

PIECES OF ALICE is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

 

I think your query is really good. I mean, I have no real comments to offer except some nitpicks. And I think your query does it's job. Great work!



#93 yawriter

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Posted 18 June 2018 - 06:55 PM

I think your query is really good. I mean, I have no real comments to offer except some nitpicks. And I think your query does it's job. Great work!

 

Thank you! I liked your idea about taking out that last line of the first paragraph. I didn't notice that it works without it. 


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#94 smoskale

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Posted 18 June 2018 - 10:47 PM

I like Frangented better. Soul in pieces seems a bit too sappy

Fragmented

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Most wish for their teenage crush to notice them. Seems like the first sentence is too general. Perhaps combine with the second: Alice's teenage crush, handsome hooded Jake, played guitar at the beach and hardly noticed her. For Alice, it was handsome and hooded Jake, who played guitar at the beach. Six years later and at the age of twenty-two, her wish comes true. Six years later, at twenty-six, it's Alice's turn to not notice him. 

 

But, without his hoodie and guitar, Alice is unaware that doesn't recognize Jake in the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing is Jake. He becomes the reason Alice’s haunting thoughts of her violent ex, Seth, diminish. But just as her playful and tender connection with Jake deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.I'm a bit confused here about the vengeance--did she wrong him in the past? Also, did he disappear before? Perhaps make this last clause clearer:  "Seth learns of her new relationship, jealous and determined to get her back" or something

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her. Chained to a bedpost, he tries to force a rekindling. Alice knows that Jake would expend all his resources not sure what resources stand for. Perhaps, Jake would do all he can to find her. However, because of Seth’s status as is a police officer, Alice realizes he there are would be leave no loose ends for Jake to follow. No Losing hope of being rescued drives her to act on the only opportunity to This is a bit too vague and also it's passive. Perhaps, she ceases the only opportunity for escape.think of adding a detail here to make it specific.The hunt for Alice begins.

 

PIECES OF ALICE (women’s fiction) is completed at 98,000 words. 

 

I like Frangented better. Soul in pieces seems a bit sappy

Fragmented

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Most wish for their teenage crush to notice them. Seems like the first sentence is too general. Perhaps combine with the second: Alice's teenage crush, handsome hooded Jake, played guitar at the beach and hardly noticed her. For Alice, it was handsome and hooded Jake, who played guitar at the beach. Six years later and at the age of twenty-two, her wish comes true. Six years later, at twenty-six, it's Alice's turn to not notice him. 

 

But, without his hoodie and guitar, Alice is unaware that doesn't recognize Jake in the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing is Jake. He becomes the reason Alice’s haunting thoughts of her violent ex, Seth, diminish. But just as her playful and tender connection with Jake deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.I'm a bit confused here about the vengeance--did she wrong him in the past? Also, did he disappear before? Perhaps make this last clause clearer:  "Seth learns of her new relationship, jealous and determined to get her back" or something

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her. Chained to a bedpost, he tries to force a rekindling. Alice knows that Jake would expend all his resources not sure what resources stand for. Perhaps, Jake would do all he can to find her. However, because of Seth’s status as is a police officer, Alice realizes he there are would be leave no loose ends for Jake to follow. No Losing hope of being rescued drives her to act on the only opportunity to This is a bit too vague and also it's passive. Perhaps, she ceases the only opportunity for escape.think of adding a detail here to make it specific.The hunt for Alice begins.

 

PIECES OF ALICE (women’s fiction) is completed at 98,000 words. 

 


#95 yawriter

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Posted 19 June 2018 - 09:59 PM

I like Frangented better. Soul in pieces seems a bit too sappy

Fragmented

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Most wish for their teenage crush to notice them. Seems like the first sentence is too general. Perhaps combine with the second: Alice's teenage crush, handsome hooded Jake, played guitar at the beach and hardly noticed her. For Alice, it was handsome and hooded Jake, who played guitar at the beach. Six years later and at the age of twenty-two, her wish comes true. Six years later, at twenty-six, it's Alice's turn to not notice him. 

 

But, without his hoodie and guitar, Alice is unaware that doesn't recognize Jake in the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing is Jake. He becomes the reason Alice’s haunting thoughts of her violent ex, Seth, diminish. But just as her playful and tender connection with Jake deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.I'm a bit confused here about the vengeance--did she wrong him in the past? Also, did he disappear before? Perhaps make this last clause clearer:  "Seth learns of her new relationship, jealous and determined to get her back" or something

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her. Chained to a bedpost, he tries to force a rekindling. Alice knows that Jake would expend all his resources not sure what resources stand for. Perhaps, Jake would do all he can to find her. However, because of Seth’s status as is a police officer, Alice realizes he there are would be leave no loose ends for Jake to follow. No Losing hope of being rescued drives her to act on the only opportunity to This is a bit too vague and also it's passive. Perhaps, she ceases the only opportunity for escape.think of adding a detail here to make it specific.The hunt for Alice begins.

 

PIECES OF ALICE (women’s fiction) is completed at 98,000 words. 

 

I like Frangented better. Soul in pieces seems a bit sappy

Fragmented

 

 

 

 

Thank you! I loved your idea to change the hook. 


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#96 sarahja

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Posted 21 June 2018 - 08:11 AM

Newest versions are always here.

 

VERSION #19... Thanks for the feedback everyone!

 

TITLE: playing around with new titles. Any votes?

Soul In Pieces

Fragmented

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Alice’s teenage crush was JakeMaybe a bit passive—the hooded guitar player at the beach who he hardly noticed her. Six years later and at the age of twenty-two, it is Alice’s turn to not notice him.

 

 Without his hoodie and guitar, Alice is unaware that the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing is Jake.Maybe start here, When Alice realises the charming hotel manager who just caught her tresspassing is Jake, the hooded guitar player she spent her teenager years crushing on, she thinks her luck is finally changing. Or something.He quickly becomes the reason Alice’s haunting thoughts of her manipulative and violent ex, Seth, diminish. But, just as her playful and tender connection with Jake deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her. Chained to a bedpost, he tries to force a rekindlingThink the phrasing is a little awkward here. She is the one chained up, right? So "Chaining her to a bedpost, he won't release her until she agrees to rekindle their realtionship/until something specific". Alice knows that Jake wouldwill expend all his resources to find her. However, becauseBut Seth is a police officer, she realizes there would and there will be no loose ends for Jakeanyone to follow. With no hope of being rescue,d drives her to act on the only opportunity to escapeshe takes a desperate/risky/something opportunity to escape. The hunt for Alice begins.

 

PIECES OF ALICE is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

Hey, this is good. You lay out the plot and stakes quite clearly, and I love the way you connect Jake with her escape from Seth even before the abduction.

I will say that I was not expecting the second paragraph. I think the hook set me up to think of this as a slower and more romantic story, but I'm guessing the bulk of the pages are with the abduction plotline? So maybe pulling it into/shortening it and adding it to that first paragraph would help, or maybe sticking a hook on the top that hints at the future stuff. Just in case somebody starts reading their inbox of 500 queries, skims the first para thinks oh this isn't my kind of thing before they get to the part that would be, if that makes sense. I also think calling it a suspense or thriller or something would help make that clear.

I also think a lot of the second paragraph is quite passive/you could phrase things in a more immediate way so we feel more drawn into the action. Also, why is the escape a desperate act that she wouldn't have taken if she thought rescue was possible? Is she far away from help or what? Some specific detail could help up the stakes.

I love that last ending hook about the hunt. Sounds like you have a great story!


If you have the time, please take a look at my query: http://agentquerycon...can-ya-fantasy/


#97 yawriter

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Posted 22 June 2018 - 05:30 PM

Hey, this is good. You lay out the plot and stakes quite clearly, and I love the way you connect Jake with her escape from Seth even before the abduction.

I will say that I was not expecting the second paragraph. I think the hook set me up to think of this as a slower and more romantic story, but I'm guessing the bulk of the pages are with the abduction plotline? So maybe pulling it into/shortening it and adding it to that first paragraph would help, or maybe sticking a hook on the top that hints at the future stuff. Just in case somebody starts reading their inbox of 500 queries, skims the first para thinks oh this isn't my kind of thing before they get to the part that would be, if that makes sense. I also think calling it a suspense or thriller or something would help make that clear.

I also think a lot of the second paragraph is quite passive/you could phrase things in a more immediate way so we feel more drawn into the action. Also, why is the escape a desperate act that she wouldn't have taken if she thought rescue was possible? Is she far away from help or what? Some specific detail could help up the stakes.

I love that last ending hook about the hunt. Sounds like you have a great story!

 

Thank you! 


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#98 RosieSkye

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Posted 23 June 2018 - 02:36 PM

Newest versions are always here.

 

VERSION #20... Thanks for the feedback everyone!

 

TITLE: playing around with new titles. 

 

Fragmented

Alice's Fortress

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Alice’s teenage crush was Jake—the hooded guitar player at the beach who hardly noticed her. Six years later and at the age of twenty-two, it is Alice’s turn to not notice him.  (Hmm... your POV should be Alice's and if she's not noticing someone... well, you don't realize when you're not noticing someone, see what I mean?  In any event, not noticing someone isn't very exciting, so unfortunately this isn't a very captivating hook.)

 

Without his hoodie and guitar, Alice is unaware that the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing is Jake. He quickly becomes the reason Alice’s haunting thoughts of her manipulative and violent ex, Seth, diminish. (Wait, there's a manipulative and violent ex in the picture? NOW I'm interested.) But, just as her playful and tender connection with Jake deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.  (At this point I don't care about Jake being Alice's teenage crush, and I'm wondering why the Seth storyline isn't your hook.)

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her. Chained to a bedpost, he tries to force a rekindling. Alice knows Jake will expend all his resources to find her. However, because Seth is a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow. No hope of being rescued drives her to act on the only opportunity to escape. (What's the only opportunity?) The hunt for Alice begins. (You've switched POV's here - stick with Alice.)

 

PIECES OF ALICE is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

 

 

I think the problem with this version is that your tone completely changes.  It starts out feeling like a cute, serendipitous romance, but then suddenly it's about being held hostage by a crazy man.  Your hook consists of what, in retrospect, feels like fluff, rather than immediately zeroing in on the conflict and suspense.  I'm afraid that the agents who'll be drawn to the cute romance will be turned off by the latter half of your story, and the ones who might be drawn to the kidnapping won't get that far in your query.  Of course that's speculation, but you may want to think about balancing out your tone.

 

Good luck!



#99 smoskale

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Posted 23 June 2018 - 03:35 PM

I think it's much improved. Below are suggestions for making it shine just a little more. YMMV


Newest versions are always here.

 

VERSION #20... Thanks for the feedback everyone!

 

TITLE: playing around with new titles. 

 

Fragmented

Alice's Fortress

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Alice’s teenage crush was Jake—the hooded guitar player at the beach who hardly noticed her. Seven years later and at the age of twenty-two, it is Alice’s turn to not notice him.

 

Without his hoodie and guitar, Alice is unaware kind of a weak verb. Doesn't recognize? Doesn't realize? that the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing is Jake. He quickly becomes the reason ​this is a missed opportunity. Give us a taste of Jake: "his blue eyes and soft baritone" relieve/chase away/ward off Alice’s haunting thoughts of her manipulative and violent ex, Seth, diminish. But, just as her playful and tender connection with Jake deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her. Chained to a bedpost, he this sounds like Seth is chained to the bedpost. Rephrase tries to force a rekindling. Alice knows Jake will expend all his resources to find her. However, because Seth is a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow. No hope of being rescued drives her to Desperate, she act on seizes the only opportunity to escape. The hunt for Alice begins.

 

PIECES OF ALICE is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

 

would you pls look at my latest? Thanks



#100 yawriter

yawriter

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Posted 25 June 2018 - 12:20 PM

 

I think it's much improved. Below are suggestions for making it shine just a little more. YMMV


Newest versions are always here.

 

VERSION #20... Thanks for the feedback everyone!

 

TITLE: playing around with new titles. 

 

Fragmented

Alice's Fortress

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Alice’s teenage crush was Jake—the hooded guitar player at the beach who hardly noticed her. Seven years later and at the age of twenty-two, it is Alice’s turn to not notice him.

 

Without his hoodie and guitar, Alice is unaware kind of a weak verb. Doesn't recognize? Doesn't realize? that the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing is Jake. He quickly becomes the reason ​this is a missed opportunity. Give us a taste of Jake: "his blue eyes and soft baritone" relieve/chase away/ward off Alice’s haunting thoughts of her manipulative and violent ex, Seth, diminish. But, just as her playful and tender connection with Jake deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her. Chained to a bedpost, he this sounds like Seth is chained to the bedpost. Rephrase tries to force a rekindling. Alice knows Jake will expend all his resources to find her. However, because Seth is a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow. No hope of being rescued drives her to Desperate, she act on seizes the only opportunity to escape. The hunt for Alice begins.

 

PIECES OF ALICE is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

 

would you pls look at my latest? Thanks

 

 

Hey! Thanks for the help! I actually decided to use most of your edits. It sounds more professional. 


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Womens Fiction

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