110 replies to this topic

[yawriter]

I think the problem with this version is that your tone completely changes.  It starts out feeling like a cute, serendipitous romance, but then suddenly it's about being held hostage by a crazy man.  Your hook consists of what, in retrospect, feels like fluff, rather than immediately zeroing in on the conflict and suspense.  I'm afraid that the agents who'll be drawn to the cute romance will be turned off by the latter half of your story, and the ones who might be drawn to the kidnapping won't get that far in your query.  Of course that's speculation, but you may want to think about balancing out your tone.

 

Good luck!

 

Hey there! Thanks for the help. It used to be my hook, but it was a popular opinion that I should change it.

[yawriter]

Title change. Previously called "Pieces of Alice".

[W.P.]

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Alice’s teenage crush was Jake—the hooded guitar player at the beach who never noticed her. Seven years later and at the age of twenty-two, they meet for the first time. But, Alice is unaware that he is the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing. All she knows is that his sapphire eyes begin to ward off the toxic thoughts of her manipulative and violent ex, Seth. ((I feel like this paragraph is stitched together, rather than flowing from idea to idea, it seems to jump, even leap across ideas. My advice would be starting with the present. You could tells us that after Alice escaped from her abusive ex, Seth, she is caught trespassing into a hotel by its charming manager, who she later recognises as her teenage crush. I think this order of events makes it easier to read and understand.))

 

Just as their playful and tender connection deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her and forcefully tries to (("to forcefully")) rekindle their relationship. Alice knows Jake will expend all his resources to find her. However, because Seth is a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow. ((again, I think this could be condensed: "Seth being a police officer, there are no loose ends for Jack to follow."  The rest is implied.)) Desperate, she seizes the only opportunity to escape. The hunt for Alice begins. ((I feel like the two last sentences mean different things and therefore don't work together. One says she will get herself out of there, the other says someone is hunting her (meaning someone is looking for her and will get her out of there)? or do you mean seth will hunt her after she escapes? I feel like it's so vague that it gets confusing and isn't working for me.))

 

 

 

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HURT ME is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

 

 

The conflict and stakes are clear and engaging, though I do think the set up (the first paragraph) should be worked on. :) Hope this helps.

 

My query:  http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=357968

[Bkrasnik]

Newest versions are always here.

 

VERSION #21... Thanks for the feedback everyone!

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Alice’s teenage crush was Jake—the hooded guitar player at the beach who never noticed her. Seven years later and at the age of twenty-two, they meet for the first time. But, Alice is unaware that he is the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing (you need to provide a little bit more context in this sentence and it's relevance to the story). All she knows is that his sapphire eyes begin to ward off the toxic thoughts of her manipulative and violent ex, Seth. 

 

Just as their playful and tender connection deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her and forcefully tries to rekindle their relationship. Alice knows Jake will expend all his resources to find her (How does she know this? Is it because he is madly in love with her?). However, because Seth is a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow. Desperate, she seizes the only opportunity to escape. The hunt for Alice begins. (I like this last sentence. Leaves me wanting more)

 

 

You have a very streamlined query here, which is great. That being said, I think in addition to providing some more additional context in the areas I mentioned, you need to provide something unique about this story. What is it about Alice that makes her different from everyone else, or what is about her circumstances that are unusual? I think if you find this in your book, it will make it stand out from all the others. 

 

 

 

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HURT ME is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

[Bkrasnik]

 

Newest versions are always here.

 

VERSION #21... Thanks for the feedback everyone!

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Alice’s teenage crush was Jake—the hooded guitar player at the beach who never noticed her. Seven years later and at the age of twenty-two, they meet for the first time. But, Alice is unaware that he is the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing (you need to provide a little bit more context in this sentence and it's relevance to the story). All she knows is that his sapphire eyes begin to ward off the toxic thoughts of her manipulative and violent ex, Seth.

 

Just as their playful and tender connection deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her and forcefully tries to rekindle their relationship. Alice knows Jake will expend all his resources to find her (How does she know this? Is it because he is madly in love with her?). However, because Seth is a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow. Desperate, she seizes the only opportunity to escape. The hunt for Alice begins. (I like this last sentence. Leaves me wanting more)

 

 

You have a very streamlined query here, which is great. That being said, I think in addition to providing some more additional context in the areas I mentioned, you need to provide something unique about this story. What is it about Alice that makes her different from everyone else, or what is about her circumstances that are unusual? I think if you find this in your book, it will make it stand out from all the others. 

 

 

 

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HURT ME is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

 

[kat8]

Newest versions are always here.

 

VERSION #21... Thanks for the feedback everyone!

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Alice’s teenage crush was Jake—the hooded guitar player at the beach who never noticed her. Seven years later and at the age of twenty-two, they meet for the first time. But, Alice is unaware that he is the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing (a little confusing; is she unaware of who he is when she meets him, or does she meet him separately and then not realize he was the hotel manager?). All she knows is that his sapphire eyes begin to ward off the toxic thoughts of her manipulative and violent ex, Seth.

 

Just as their playful and tender connection deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Alice rejects Seth (I think you should say in the previous paragraph that Seth tries to woo her first, because right now it's not clear what she is rejecting), he abducts her and forcefully tries to rekindle their relationship (is this a euphemism for rape? It sounds like it is, but I just want to make sure you don't mean something else). Alice knows Jake will expend all his resources to find her (this sentence doesn't really relate to anything before, and it doesn't have much tension). However, because Seth is a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow (I think you can make this sentence a lot more powerful). Desperate, she seizes the only opportunity to escape (which is...? What does that mean?). The hunt for Alice begins. (Seth's hunt to find Alice begins because her escape was successful, or is Jake beginning to search for her?)

 

 

 

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HURT ME is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

[yawriter]

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Alice’s teenage crush was Jake—the hooded guitar player at the beach who never noticed her. Seven years later and at the age of twenty-two, they meet for the first time. But, Alice is unaware that he is the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing. All she knows is that his sapphire eyes begin to ward off the toxic thoughts of her manipulative and violent ex, Seth. ((I feel like this paragraph is stitched together, rather than flowing from idea to idea, it seems to jump, even leap across ideas. My advice would be starting with the present. You could tells us that after Alice escaped from her abusive ex, Seth, she is caught trespassing into a hotel by its charming manager, who she later recognises as her teenage crush. I think this order of events makes it easier to read and understand.))

 

Just as their playful and tender connection deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her and forcefully tries to (("to forcefully")) rekindle their relationship. Alice knows Jake will expend all his resources to find her. However, because Seth is a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow. ((again, I think this could be condensed: "Seth being a police officer, there are no loose ends for Jack to follow."  The rest is implied.)) Desperate, she seizes the only opportunity to escape. The hunt for Alice begins. ((I feel like the two last sentences mean different things and therefore don't work together. One says she will get herself out of there, the other says someone is hunting her (meaning someone is looking for her and will get her out of there)? or do you mean seth will hunt her after she escapes? I feel like it's so vague that it gets confusing and isn't working for me.))

 

 

 

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HURT ME is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

 

 

The conflict and stakes are clear and engaging, though I do think the set up (the first paragraph) should be worked on. :) Hope this helps.

 

My query:  http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=357968

 

Thank you for the help!

 

 

Newest versions are always here.

 

VERSION #21... Thanks for the feedback everyone!

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Alice’s teenage crush was Jake—the hooded guitar player at the beach who never noticed her. Seven years later and at the age of twenty-two, they meet for the first time. But, Alice is unaware that he is the charming hotel manager who catches her trespassing (you need to provide a little bit more context in this sentence and it's relevance to the story). All she knows is that his sapphire eyes begin to ward off the toxic thoughts of her manipulative and violent ex, Seth.

 

Just as their playful and tender connection deepens, Seth reappears with jealous vengeance.

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her and forcefully tries to rekindle their relationship. Alice knows Jake will expend all his resources to find her (How does she know this? Is it because he is madly in love with her?). However, because Seth is a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow. Desperate, she seizes the only opportunity to escape. The hunt for Alice begins. (I like this last sentence. Leaves me wanting more)

 

 

You have a very streamlined query here, which is great. That being said, I think in addition to providing some more additional context in the areas I mentioned, you need to provide something unique about this story. What is it about Alice that makes her different from everyone else, or what is about her circumstances that are unusual? I think if you find this in your book, it will make it stand out from all the others. 

 

 

 

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HURT ME is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

 

 

Thank you! I'm trying to give more context to the beginning. Hopefully it works! 

[Caligulas]

Newest versions are always here.

 

VERSION #22... Thanks for the feedback everyone!

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Alice’s teenage crush was Jake—the hooded guitar player at the beach who never noticed her. Seven years later and at the age of twenty-two, they meet for the first time. In search while searching for (I think you should par down here) peace and quiet, Alice unknowingly trespasses on Jake’s hotel property. When he catches her, his charm and sapphire eyes begin to ward off the toxic thoughts of her manipulative and violent ex, Seth. (Seth kind of comes out of nowhere. What is the most interesting aspect of your story? Start with that. This isn't that)

 

Just as their playful and tender connection deepens (They literally never met before and she just ran into him. Either you're skipping a lot or something is being lost in translation), Seth reappears with jealous vengeance. (What does this mean, as in, what actually happens?)

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her to forcefully rekindle their relationship. (This is kind of going all over the place and is reading really melodramatic because of that) Because (Please rephrase this so the sentence doesn't start with because) Seth is a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow. (What? Follow what? It is not a logical assumption he would search her down. You've only told me they met for the first time by accident and SHE had a crush on HIM) Desperate, she seizes the only opportunity to escape. She hopes to find Jake before Seth finds her. The hunt for Alice begins. (I think you need to start this over completely and browse some more query letters like the query shark site. Start off with your story's inciting incident then detail what your MC wants from there, what stands in their way, what they have to do to get their way and both what bad thing will come from the choice to do that and what bad thing will come with the choice of not doing that to detail stakes. I hope this helps and ask if you'll please take a look at my redo query for When I See Me. :) )

 

 

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HURT ME is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

[yawriter]

 

Newest versions are always here.

 

VERSION #22... Thanks for the feedback everyone!

 

 

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Alice’s teenage crush was Jake—the hooded guitar player at the beach who never noticed her. Seven years later and at the age of twenty-two, they meet for the first time. In search while searching for (I think you should par down here) peace and quiet, Alice unknowingly trespasses on Jake’s hotel property. When he catches her, his charm and sapphire eyes begin to ward off the toxic thoughts of her manipulative and violent ex, Seth. (Seth kind of comes out of nowhere. What is the most interesting aspect of your story? Start with that. This isn't that)

 

Just as their playful and tender connection deepens (They literally never met before and she just ran into him. Either you're skipping a lot or something is being lost in translation), Seth reappears with jealous vengeance. (What does this mean, as in, what actually happens?)

 

When Alice rejects Seth, he abducts her to forcefully rekindle their relationship. (This is kind of going all over the place and is reading really melodramatic because of that) Because (Please rephrase this so the sentence doesn't start with because) Seth is a police officer, she realizes there are no loose ends for Jake to follow. (What? Follow what? It is not a logical assumption he would search her down. You've only told me they met for the first time by accident and SHE had a crush on HIM) Desperate, she seizes the only opportunity to escape. She hopes to find Jake before Seth finds her. The hunt for Alice begins. (I think you need to start this over completely and browse some more query letters like the query shark site. Start off with your story's inciting incident then detail what your MC wants from there, what stands in their way, what they have to do to get their way and both what bad thing will come from the choice to do that and what bad thing will come with the choice of not doing that to detail stakes. I hope this helps and ask if you'll please take a look at my redo query for When I See Me. :) )

 

 

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HURT ME is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

 

 

Thank you! I think you're right. I started the next draft with more of the exciting incident and built it from there. Last time I did that, people said it didn't sound romantic enough for a woman's fiction (which it doesn't) but I think it's more of a hook and flows better. Check it out when you've got a minute. I'm off to read your query. 

[W.P.]

Dear Ms. Agent,

 

Twenty-two-year-old Alice’s reward for breaking free of Seth’s manipulation is a beating. ((Much better! Loving the change. It's a better hook and starts with the main conflict of the story. :)  But I think that you could drop her age, maybe add it somewhere else as a detail. I think here it kinda ruins the flow.))After six months of no communication, Alice still feels his influence swimming ((not sure "swimming" is working here. I think the sentence would flow a lot better without it)) in her veins. That is until she meets her teenage crush, Jake, for the first time ((sounds odd. I think I know what you mean, but it's a bit confusing in the beginning. And it's implied by the last part of the sentence. So I think it could be removed.)) —the hooded guitar player at the beach who never noticed her. Quickly, Jake’s charm and sapphire eyes begin to ward off the toxic thoughts of Seth.

 

Just as the couple’s playful and tender connection deepens, Seth reappears. His jealous aggression escalates each time Alice rejects him.

 

Despite her best efforts, ((This sounds odd. Sounds like she could have avoided being kidnapped. I suggest removing it. If you were looking for a transition between this paragraph and the previous one, the sentence could simply be rearranged to "To forcefully rekindle their relationship, Seth abducts Alice, and, being a crafty police office, leaves no clues for Jake to find." Not the best example, sorry. but I hope it shows what I mean))  Seth abducts Alice to forcefully rekindle their relationship. She fears there are no clues for Jake to follow since Seth is a crafty police officer. Desperate, she seizes the only opportunity to escape. She hopes to find Jake before Seth finds her. The hunt for Alice begins.  ((Ooooh! Much better. I think you are actually much much closer. I think the last sentence would have even more impact if you changed "She hopes to find Jake" to "She hopes Jake finds her." Because that way you are reenforcing the idea of her being "hunted," since both are after her (romantically as well). But that is just my opinion.))

 

 

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HURT ME is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words. 

 

 

 

What an improvement! The query is looking much much better. :) Good stuff.

 

 

I have updated my query as well, if you could take a look at it, it'd be great. 

 

http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=358070

[bookgirl_kt]

Here are my suggestions:

 

Alice’s reward for breaking free of Seth’s manipulation is a beating. After six months of no communication, Alice still feels his influence swimming in her veins. That is until she meets her teenage crush, Jake—the hooded guitar player at the beach who never noticed her. Quickly, missing space Jake’s charm and sapphire eyes begin to ward off the toxic thoughts of Seth. I suspect this is not at all what you intended, but I must admit that at girl running from an abusive relationship meeting a man described as "charming" sets up red flags for me that she's met another of the same. Perhaps I'm overly cynical, but maybe it would be better to emphasize Jake's kindness or support.

 

Just as the couple’s playful and tender connection deepens, Seth reappears. His jealous aggression escalates each time Alice rejects him.

 

To forcefully rekindle their relationship, Seth abducts Alice. She fears there are no clues for Jake to follow since Seth is a cunning police officer. Ooo, the police officer thing is interesting. Could have been mentioned sooner to add desperation to her situation. Desperate, she seizes the only opportunity to escape. This is vague. What is her only opportunity and what's the consequence if she fails? She hopes to find Jake before Seth finds her. The hunt for Alice begins. Nice ending line!

 

 

THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN HURT ME is a (women’s fiction) completed at 98,000 words I also love your title!

 

Hope I've helped! A link to my query is below.