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Pieces Of Alice-Will critique back :)

romance alice rule breaker womans fiction adult fiction love

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#1 yawriter

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Posted 13 May 2018 - 08:32 PM

Version #2

 

           Counting down the seconds to the end of a laborious week, Alice clocked out, grabbed her belongings, and rushed out the backdoor of the frozen yogurt shop. Pepperoni pizza, a steamy shower and her comfy bed motivated her feet to plod forward faster than usual.

             However, when she approached the front door, the voices of her screaming parents penetrated through the wall. Keys in hand, her chest caved with anxiety as she listened.

            “You did this to me, Charles! You single-handedly made me feel completely worthless,” her mother screamed.

            “If you hadn’t shut me out for so long, none of this would have happened, Martha.”

            “Go ahead. Blame me even though I wasn’t the one sleeping with someone else!”

            “Keep it down. Alice will be here any minute.”

The arguing circled, which had her stepping back. The ground beneath her rocked with intensity as she kept listening. She deserved a quiet place to rest after cleaning up vomit on the bathroom walls of the yogurt shop. Instead of letting the sadness leak tears over her cheeks, she took the stress and set it on fire as she fled down the street and away from the chaos. The further she sprinted down the endless road, the more her tension seemed to melt away.

            After an easy mile, Alice’s feet slowed into an ungraceful walk. Her muscles pulled at her aching joints, urging her to sit and rest. 


Edited by yawriter, 15 May 2018 - 08:03 PM.


#2 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 14 May 2018 - 09:54 AM

           Counting down the seconds to the end of a laborious week, Alice clocked out, grabbed her belongings, and rushed out the backdoor of the frozen yogurt shop. Pepperoni pizza, a steamy shower and her comfy bed motivated her feet to plod forward faster than usual.

            However, when she approached the front door, the voices of her screaming parents penetrated through the wall with strength this could be left out. "Penetrated" is already a strong enough descriptor word. Keys in hand, her chest caved with anxiety as she listened to the two of them go at it. You could omit this.  It's a bit unnecessary since we see them fighting right after.

            “You did this to me, Charles! You single-handedly made me feel completely worthless,” her mother screamed.

            “If you hadn’t shut me out for so long, none of this would have happened, Martha.”

            “Go ahead. Blame me even though I wasn’t the one sleeping with someone else!”

            “Keep it down. Alice will be here any minute.”

            The arguing circled, which had her stepping back. She kept listening until the ground beneath her rocked with intensity. She deserved peace and quiet after cleaning up vomit on the bathroom walls of the yogurt shop. Instead of letting the sadness leak tears over her cheeks, she took the stress and set it on fire. Turning her attention toward the dark, silent street that led away from the chaos trapped her in an unforgiving impulse to flee. This is a bit awkward The further she sprinted down the endless road, the more her tension seemed to melt away.

            After an easy mile, Alice’s feet slowed into an ungraceful walk. Her fatigued muscles pulled at her aching joints, urging her to sit and rest. There's lots of adjectives in this sentence. Slowed, ungraceful, fatigued, aching.  I'd pare them down, and possibly look through the rest of the manuscript for them as well. The millions of shining stars and the symphony of crickets doused the remaining stress that the run hadn’t already extinguished.

 

Thanks for the critique on mine :) You use a lot of descriptor words in places where it starts to bog down the story.  Just cutting out a few here and there would help loads with the pacing.







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: romance, alice, rule breaker, womans fiction, adult fiction, love

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