Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo

Young Adult Dark Fantasy Hook


  • Please log in to reply
3 replies to this topic

#1 Gruffbane

Gruffbane

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 111 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:Self-published a children's book and won two awards from Writers of the Future

Posted 14 May 2018 - 09:25 PM

Mythic SE Asia: On an island infested with wingless dragons, cannibalistic dwarfs, and giant raptors Aditya's worst problem is her abusive husband. To free her daughter from a similar life, she must become a warrior despite societal mores or find a way to escape #pitdark #DF #YA



#2 giffordmac

giffordmac

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 378 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 15 May 2018 - 11:56 AM

Hi! I'd change the wording just a little:

 

Mythic SE Asia: On an island infested with wingless dragons, cannibalistic dwarfs, and giant raptors (comma) Aditya's worst problem is her abusive husband. To free her daughter from a similar life, she must break societal mores & become a warrior or find a way to escape (full stop) #pitdark #DF #YA

 

I know pitches are extremely tight, but if there's some way to get in what will happen to her and/or her daughter if she fails/gets caught, that would be great. Check the rules & see if you can post more than one pitch. If so, concentrate another on the stakes. EG:

 

To free her daughter from a life of abuse, Aditya must ... or else they'll both be (sentenced to death or whatever).

 

Best of luck!


“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel

 

~~~

 

 

 

 


#3 Gruffbane

Gruffbane

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 111 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS Southeast
  • Publishing Experience:Self-published a children's book and won two awards from Writers of the Future

Posted 15 May 2018 - 04:43 PM

Excellent this helps a bunch!



#4 Blueberry Tide

Blueberry Tide

    Burnt Coffee Bean

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 407 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:Self-Published

Posted 29 May 2018 - 10:29 AM

Mythic SE Asia: On an island infested with wingless dragons, cannibalistic dwarfs, and giant raptors Aditya's worst problem is her abusive husband. To free her daughter from a similar life, she must become a warrior despite societal mores or find a way to escape #pitdark #DF #YA

 

I like the introduction - it sets a mood and makes me want to know more - what kind of island is this!? and what world is this that all these things are normal!? Nicely done. However, the second line drops the ball a bit - for me, anyway. It might be my dislike of the family-drama setup, as well. Personally, the "societal mores" dropped the ball the most - the wording just feels like it doesn't fit in the same sentence with "cannibalistic dwarfs." I suggesting finding something that pops more than "societal mores" - I know, tough suggestion with a limited word space. 






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users