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GERALD BEAR, P.I. (MG mystery/suspense) Version 2


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#1 Charlie98501

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 04:14 AM

Hello All! Current Version - Version 2 - is at post #9. Thanks!

 

 

 

 



#2 Tanja

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 08:01 AM

I know you put a lot of work into this query, but even though your book is written in first person, a query should always be written in third person.


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

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#3 Springfield

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 10:31 AM

Hello All! I would be grateful for any feedback on the below draft query letter - and am happy to return the favor. Thanks!

 

 

Dear Agent: ​

 

 

Monday morning starts out with the usual: A dream-shattering assault by my alarm clock, a fair amount of green tea and a long look out my window at that distant hill. But things take a quick turn from the ordinary when I receive a phone call from my good friend and sometime colleague—Inspector Beauchamp of the Big City Police Department. Someone has drilled into the Big City Central Bank vault, and Beauchamp needs my help in the investigation. Of course, I’m inclined to oblige, meeting Beauchamp at Ida’s Café to discuss the case over lunch.

 

With nothing but a mouse hair to go on, Beauchamp and I confront a line-up of strange places and suspect characters on our way to solving the case. From the ominous fog of Skyway District, where a bag of walnuts can buy secrets, to Tunnelworth Tower, where Terrence Tunnelworth himself makes a point of blowing cigarillo smoke in my direction, to hard-luck Bleak Street, where I’m spared one of Gordo Gondo’s signature bowel-shakers by a sympathetic washing machine. Just when it seems we are getting somewhere, it becomes clear that the mastermind behind the bank break-in possesses skills beyond those of any local underworld player—and is after more than money.

 

GERALD BEAR, P.I. is a standalone MG mystery/suspense novel of 50,000 words with series potential. The action unfolds in Big City—where there’s no shortage of animals with all the virtues, flaws and peculiarities of any humans one might come across. While his deductive nature pays tribute to Sherlock Holmes, Gerald wields a hard-boiled edge when the occasion calls for it. Yet, Gerald is uniquely his own, slim by bear standards, admirably introspective and fond of plant life—which helps out on the job sometimes.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I'm just super confused here -- this is in first as the character, I assume, so NO. Scrap and redo. However, this says it's MG but nothing about this reads as MG in any way....



#4 giffordmac

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 11:45 AM

Hi! As the others have said, you've broken quite a few rules with this query. But I have to say it works for me.

 

You've included the main characters, set up the conflict, and given us the motivation, so the basic "needs" of a query are met. It has a charming voice, a definite sense of humor, and your grammar and sentence structure shows no flaws except for the one very long set of fragments:

 

From the ominous fog of Skyway District, where a bag of walnuts can buy secrets, to Tunnelworth Tower, where Terrence Tunnelworth himself makes a point of blowing cigarillo smoke in my direction, to hard-luck Bleak Street, where I’m spared one of Gordo Gondo’s signature bowel-shakers by a sympathetic washing machine.

 

I'd suggest breaking that down into shorter sections and injecting a subject and verb at the beginning or end of each phrase, just to make it more readable. And it does read upper/advanced MG to me. My niece, I'm sure, would enjoy it immensely.

 

Why don't you send this to a handful of agents (not your top choices) and see what response you get? If anyone bites, send it to a few of your top choices. If you get a lot of interest, you can continue on the same path. If not, you can rewrite within the rules and all you've lost is a bit of time.

 

Best of luck!


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#5 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 12:51 PM

Hello All! I would be grateful for any feedback on the below draft query letter - and am happy to return the favor. Thanks!

 

 

Dear Agent: ​

 

 

Monday morning starts out with the usual: A dream-shattering assault by my alarm clock, a fair amount of green tea and a long look out my window at that distant hill. But things take a quick turn from the ordinary when I receive a phone call from my good friend and sometime colleague—Inspector Beauchamp of the Big City Police Department. Someone has drilled into the Big City Central Bank vault, and Beauchamp needs my help in the investigation. Of course, I’m inclined to oblige, meeting Beauchamp at Ida’s Café to discuss the case over lunch. After I read over this whole thing, I do like the "hard-boiled" detective voice you have going on here.  Although a query should be in third person, I enjoyed the tone of this.  It is a risk, though, using first person.  An agent could potentially reject it on that alone without giving it a chance.

 

With nothing but a mouse hair to go on, Beauchamp and I confront a line-up of strange places and suspect characters on our way to solving the case. From the ominous fog of Skyway District, where a bag of walnuts can buy secrets, to Tunnelworth Tower, where Terrence Tunnelworth himself makes a point of blowing cigarillo smoke in my direction, to hard-luck Bleak Street, where I’m spared one of Gordo Gondo’s signature bowel-shakers by a sympathetic washing machine. This is a very long sentence, and it packs a lot in.  I wonder if you could streamline this. Just when it seems we are getting somewhere, it becomes clear that the mastermind behind the bank break-in possesses skills beyond those of any local underworld player—and is after more than money.

 

GERALD BEAR, P.I. is a standalone MG mystery/suspense novel of 50,000 words with series potential. The action unfolds in Big City—where there’s no shortage of animals with all the virtues, flaws and peculiarities of any humans one might come across. While his deductive nature pays tribute to Sherlock Holmes, Gerald wields a hard-boiled edge when the occasion calls for it. Yet, Gerald is uniquely his own, slim by bear standards, admirably introspective and fond of plant life—which helps out on the job sometimes. Not too sure about this; it's usually best to show this in the query instead of telling it here.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#6 JDSmith

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 04:11 PM

Hello All! I would be grateful for any feedback on the below draft query letter - and am happy to return the favor. Thanks!

 

 

Dear Agent: ​

 

(First up, before I read this, I'm predicting that the main character is a bear that solves crimes based on the title. Let's see if I'm right)

Monday morning starts out with the usual: A dream-shattering assault by my alarm clock, a fair amount of green tea and a long look out my window at that distant hill. But things take a quick turn from the ordinary when I receive a phone call from my good friend and sometime colleague—Inspector Beauchamp of the Big City Police Department. Someone has drilled into the Big City Central Bank vault, and Beauchamp needs my help in the investigation. Of course, I’m inclined to oblige, meeting Beauchamp at Ida’s Café to discuss the case over lunch.

 

With nothing but a mouse hair to go on, Beauchamp and I confront a line-up of strange places and suspect characters on our way to solving the case. From the ominous fog of Skyway District, where a bag of walnuts can buy secrets, to Tunnelworth Tower, where Terrence Tunnelworth himself makes a point of blowing cigarillo smoke in my direction, to hard-luck Bleak Street, where I’m spared one of Gordo Gondo’s signature bowel-shakers by a sympathetic washing machine. Just when it seems we are getting somewhere, it becomes clear that the mastermind behind the bank break-in possesses skills beyond those of any local underworld player—and is after more than money.

 

GERALD BEAR, P.I. is a standalone MG mystery/suspense novel of 50,000 words with series potential. The action unfolds in Big City—where there’s no shortage of animals with all the virtues, flaws and peculiarities of any humans one might come across. While his deductive nature pays tribute to Sherlock Holmes, Gerald wields a hard-boiled edge when the occasion calls for it. Yet, Gerald is uniquely his own, slim by bear standards, admirably introspective and fond of plant life—which helps out on the job sometimes. (Oh so he is a bear! Oh yeah!)

 

(Okay, now to the critique... As others have probably said already, you've broken the rule of having the query in first person point of view. Now, on the contrary, I think this could really work for you if you make it obvious that Gerald Bear is in fact a bear from the beginning and not in this little paragraph at the end. Make if more evident that these suspects are animals and play off of it. Mention the cute little nose of a rabbit or something like that. Make us believe it's a world of animals without telling us already. 

Now, if you wish to go the safer route that more so guarantees your query will not be skipped, then make the query third person. Have the first paragraph be your description of Gerald you put at the end of this letter. Read some of the other queries on this website for good reference. Most of these guys really know their stuff. Don't worry about trying again, because we'll be waiting to help out again!)

 

P.S. Beauchamp is kind of a tongue twister even for me... If this is MG, maybe you should adjust it to be easier for a middle schooler to pronounce? Just a suggestion)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#7 Charlie98501

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Posted 17 May 2018 - 06:26 AM

Thanks everyone for your feedback!  I will put some more work into it and re-post.



#8 richard p

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 10:06 AM

I think your query is a bit wordy, giving more information than is needed.

 

Monday morning starts out with the usual: A dream-shattering assault by my alarm clock, a fair amount of green tea and a long look out my window at that distant hill. But things take a quick turn from the ordinary when I receive a phone call from my good friend and sometime colleague—Inspector Beauchamp of the Big City Police Department. Someone has drilled into the Big City Central Bank vault, and Beauchamp needs my help in the investigation. Of course, I’m inclined to oblige, meeting Beauchamp at Ida’s Café to discuss the case over lunch.

 

This can be said more succinctly. Is it important to know that he'll meet him at the Cafe?

I know it creates a kind of mood, perhaps, but does it matter what the details of his morning are like: assault by alarm clock, green tea, looking out the window?

'But things take a quick turn.... could be shortened.

Your query makes it sound as if all this info in the first paragraph is important, when it isn't. To me, what's important is that 'Someone has drilled into the Big City Central Bank vault, and that he'll meet with Inspector Beauchamp.


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#9 Charlie98501

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Posted 19 May 2018 - 04:36 AM

Hello! Below is Version 2.  I am happy to return the favor, just be sure to provide a link.  Thanks!

 

Dear Agent:

 

 

For Gerald Bear, Monday morning starts with the usual: A dream-shattering assault by his alarm clock, a fair amount of green tea and a long look out the picture window. But things take a quick turn from the ordinary when Gerald receives a phone call from his good friend, Inspector Beauchamp of the Big City Police Department. Someone has drilled into the Big City Central Bank vault, and Beauchamp needs Gerald’s help in the investigation. Gerald, a private investigator with a fondness for plant life, is inclined to oblige, realizing from the start that this case will be a challenge far above the norm.

 

With no more than a mouse hair to go on, Gerald and Beauchamp come up against a line-up of unusual suspects as they make their way through Big City—where there’s no shortage of animals with all the virtues, flaws and peculiarities of any human one might come across. Cracking the case will take every bit of Gerald’s keen deduction, Beauchamp’s unpolished charm and the cutting-edge technology of the Big City crime lab. Indeed, just when they seem to be getting somewhere, it becomes clear that the mastermind behind the bank break-in has skills beyond those of any local miscreant—and is after more than money.

 

GERALD BEAR, P.I. is a standalone MG mystery/suspense novel of 50,000 words with series potential. It is aimed at those younger bookworms who will appreciate a classic whodunnit wrapped in anthropomorphism (you know, where animals act like people). Consider it a cross between a Sherlock Holmes inspired mystery and Zootopia (if Zootopia had been a book).

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 






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