Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

Fate of Israel (Critiques will be returned)


  • Please log in to reply
19 replies to this topic

#1 StephenLost

StephenLost

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 127 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:nada

Posted 15 May 2018 - 03:40 PM

First of all I want to thank every person who stopped to help me. From the first post to the last. The more viscous your pen was the more greatful I am. Second I want to say to those of you still going through the process, hang in there. Its awful, its not fun, and often times it just makes you feel insecure.

But stick with it! As a friend of mine(who is now writing full time) said to me on the subject of writing. What else are you going to do with your life?  If you haver made it this far its because deep down you burn to be a writer. In this pursuit you will fail, a great many times, but you have to learn that all the greats just kept failing until they succeeded. Failure is not a badge of shame, but a road marker to success.   This is the final draft, and I plan to start sending it out this week, barring any opinions of my peers here. Thanks again and best of luck.

 

 


Dear,
 
Fate of Israel is the story of two Muslim brothers struggling within the refugee camps of Gaza. Each is determined to help their community. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate to fight.
 
Attempting to capture an Israeli soldier, Abele accidentally kills him. The soldier's high-ranking father is driven mad by the loss, and illegally pursues war in Gaza as revenge. As Abele rises through the Palestinian ranks, the violence spreads throughout the Middle East. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help.
 
An angel confronts Jahim, offering him a chance to save his people. But Jahim must first stop a holy war. A war between two faiths ending in their shared extinction. The scale of the genocide, compounded with the destruction of Jerusalem, will begin Armageddon.
 
Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing him. While Abele is forced to choose between his brother or Jihad, only to die in battle. Heart broken, Jahim performs his first miracle, resurrecting Abele. Hamas leaders interpret the resurrection as a sign of Abele's ascension, and rally behind their new warlord.
 
Haunted by his mistake, and running out of time, Jahim must confront his brother and stop the bloodshed before it ends mankind.
 
Complete at 63,000 words. Fate of Israel is an urban fantasy novel based around the common origin of the three western religions.


#2 JDSmith

JDSmith

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 58 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:I have finished my first novel and am currently figuring out the publishing process in hopes to one day be published.

Posted 15 May 2018 - 03:59 PM

Dear

 

 

A war is coming, prophet. A war that will bring the end of days. You must stop it or witness it. God will tolerate man's sins no more. (Yeah it sounds cool, but probably shouldn't be in a query letter. An Agent will see the "you" and immediately say, "Skip!" It's the harsh truth. Save this for the manuscript)

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is the story of a prophet living in our modern world and the three western religions who worship the same God, The God of Abraham. He is the first prophet of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim traditions. Comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind, the novel is fantasy complete at 62,000 words. (I more often see this paragraph come right at the end of the letter. I personally like it at the end because we can learn about our protagonist first and the title after. I'm just gonna put a copy there for reference.)

 

When Jahim's brother, Abele, joins a terrorist group, Jahim must risk his life to save his brother's soul. After killing an Israeli general's son, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and begin burying bombs in their streets. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help.

 

An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him salvation, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war that will unleash Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. Sprinting through flames and gunfire, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must remind three sibling religions that they have forgotten their common deity. Every moment he is delayed allows Hell to breach further and further into the material realm.

 

(You need more substance in this letter. Only 9 sentences telling about the plot is not going to do well marketing your book. You just need to add more "umf" so they say lol)

**FATE OF ISRAEL is fantasy novel complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God. It is comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind.

 

The careful balance of beliefs in the narrative is due to my lifelong study of history and religion.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

 

 

 

Bring the pain friends. I am ready.  Thanks very much to all.


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#3 Springfield

Springfield

    Find me at properediting.com

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,119 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 15 May 2018 - 05:20 PM

Dear

 

 

A war is coming, prophet. I'm a prophet? A war that will bring the end of days. You must stop it or witness it. God will tolerate man's sins no more.

 

Fate of Israel is the story of a prophet living in our modern world and the three western religions who worship the same God. The God of Abraham. He is the first prophet of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim traditions. Comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind, the novel is fantasy complete at 62,000 words. Who.... and I'd put the wc and genre at the end. Also, bad, bad, bad comps, especially combined. That's also super low for fantasy -- that's barely novel-length.

 

When Jahim's brother, Abele, joins a terrorist group, This is vague -- where and when are we? Jahim must risk his life to save his brother's soul. After killing an Israeli general's son, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and begin burying bombs in their streets. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help.

 

An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him salvation, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war that will unleash Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. Not a sentence. Sprinting through flames and gunfire, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message.  He must remind three sibling religions that they have forgotten their common deity. THAT'S his message? Every moment he is delayed allows Hell to breach further and further into the material realm.

 

The careful balance of beliefs in the narrative is due to my lifelong study of history and religion.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

 

 

 

Bring the pain friends. I am ready.  Thanks very much to all.

 

This is fairly clear and all, but it feels... thin. I think you need more something -- why him? What is he meant to specifically do? That's not really the message meant to stop war, right? I mean that's hardly a forgotten secret and it's not stopping anything. I don't really get it?



#4 W.P.

W.P.

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 120 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationEurope

Posted 17 May 2018 - 02:23 AM

A war is coming, prophet. A war that will bring the end of days. You must stop it or witness it. God will tolerate man's sins no more.  ((I suggest removing this. Queries should be written in third person, not first or second. There have been cases of queries written that way that worked, but most agents will read it and roll their eyes and move onto another query. And I don't think this particular usage of the second person really works. It's vague and  there is nothing there that is enticing.))


 

Fate of Israel is the story of a prophet living in our modern world and the three western religions who worship the same God.((now THIS is interesting! This should be your first line)) The God of Abraham. He is the first prophet of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim traditions. Comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind, the novel is fantasy complete at 62,000 words. ((agents might scrunch their nose at the word count. It's pretty short for a fantasy. Unless, it's middle grade, of course. But something tells me it isn't.))


 

When Jahim's brother, Abele, joins a terrorist group, Jahim must risk his life to save his brother's soul. After killing an Israeli general's son, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and begin burying bombs in their streets. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. 


 

An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him salvation, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war that will unleash Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. Sprinting through flames and gunfire, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must remind three sibling religions that they have forgotten their common deity. Every moment he is delayed allows Hell to breach further and further into the material realm.


 

The careful balance of beliefs in the narrative is due to my lifelong study of history and religion.

 

 

 

 

This is a VERY interesting story. As I read the query I was interested and couldn't really find much issue with it. However, I can't say it's quite there yet. I think there are two things missing: (1) Jahim and (2) concrete details. What I mean is that we don't get much of Jahim. The query starts with his brother, then it develops into a war and Jahim getting into a holy war. Basically, I don't have a sense of who he is. I know he does good things, but who is he? What did he do before this? How old is he? Was he single? Where did he live? Do we need all this info in a query? No, but just one thing might help us have a good sense of who he is. Usually a character's decision says it all, but here Jahim does all the right things, meaning he doesn't show much of who he is. He shows what people should strive to be. If that makes sense.

 

Regarding the concrete details. This query doesn't really have them. The query is very abstract and so it doesn't paint a picture and it doesn't stick in our minds. I also struggle with this myself. But the best queries are a good blend of abstract and concrete. Concrete details are details that are "physical" regarding a place or character that help the reader visualise something. Without them, the writing is a blank page in a reader's mind.

 

Anyway, I hope this is of some help. :)

 

Here's the link to my query:  http://agentquerycon...ren-ya-fantasy/



#5 crestakaz

crestakaz

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 64 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 17 May 2018 - 02:44 AM

Dear

 

 

A war is coming, prophet. A war that will bring the end of days. You must stop it or witness it. God will tolerate man's sins no more. I personally don't like second person addresses, and I don't know that it resonates too well with agents, from what I've seen. This could maybe work, but I'd personally recommend staying away from it.

 

Fate of Israel is the story of a prophet living in our modern world and the three western religions who worship the same God This is all tell and no show. Your query is supposed to be doing the showing. Furthermore, this seems to be your "housekeeping" paragraph which needs to be at the end of your query, not in the middle. The God of Abraham. He is the first prophet of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim traditions I'm not sure any of this is necessary. Comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind, the novel is fantasy complete at 62,000 words. An adult fantasy that's only 62,000 words? That's a huge red flag. Adult fantasies are usually at least 80,000, usually more along the lines of 100-120k. This alone would probably knock you out of a lot of query piles. Novels that are too short for their genre usually indicate not enough development of themes, characters, ideas, worldbuilding, and novels that are too long usually mean there's a lot of fat on the MS. Also, this doesn't sound anything like LOTR

 

When Jahim's brother, Abele, joins a terrorist group, Jahim must risk his life to save his brother's soul. After killing an Israeli general's son, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and begin burying bombs in their streets Uhhhhh are you really sure you want to do this given the current climate? I think this sentence alone might turn off a lot of readers. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help.

 

An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him salvation he doesn't seem to need salvation; it's his brother who does, right?, but first, he must stop a holy war This war is kind of coming out of left field; which holy war? an impending holy war? an ongoing one? Do you mean "prevent" instead of "stop", which kind of implies the war is already in progress?. A war that will unleash Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. Sprinting through flames and gunfire, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims Oh Jesus Christ (no irony intended)--you do not want to use this phrase in a query letter and demonic agents intent on silencing his message What message, exactly? This is key to establishing his stakes. He must remind three sibling religions that they have forgotten their common deity. Wait, this is his message? Seems... generic. And way too simple if you're talking about the current state of politics in the Middle East. Every moment he is delayed allows Hell to breach further and further into the material realm. I personally don't think the stakes are personal enough for Jahim; you start out talking about his brother, but where is he by the end of this? Even if it's doomsday for the whole world, we should know what Jahim faces to lose that's important and unique to him.

 

The careful balance of beliefs in the narrative is due to my lifelong study of history and religion This doesn't work as a bio. Lifelong study doesn't inherently give you any kind of authority to write a book about bringing peace to the Middle East. And "history" and "religion" are two INCREDIBLY broad categories.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

 

 

 

Bring the pain friends. I am ready.  Thanks very much to all.

 

This needs basic restructuring. Have you read Query Shark's archives? Go through there first to get a sense of what's going on. However, I will say that it seems like your MS itself needs fundamental revision, given its length and implied stakes, amongst other things in the query.......



#6 Preston Copeland.Biz

Preston Copeland.Biz

    Preston Copeland

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 313 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:I am a self-published author at www.pcopeland2345.com.

Posted 17 May 2018 - 01:36 PM

Dear


​hello there,


 

A war is coming, prophet. A war that will bring the end of days. You must stop it or witness it. God will tolerate man's sins no more. ​I'm not sure why this sentence is here...


 

Fate of Israel is the story of a prophet living in our modern world and the three western religions who worship the same God. The God of Abraham. He is the first prophet of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim traditions. Comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind, the novel is fantasy complete at 62,000 words.


 

When Jahim's brother, Abele, joins a terrorist group, Jahim must risk his life to save his brother's soul. After killing an Israeli general's son, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and begin burying bombs in their streets. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help.


 

An angel confronts Jahim​ (is there anything unique about Jahim? tell us) how did he come to be so religious? where did he grow up? in a dream and offers him salvation (wait, so he's not saved yet? Tell us about who he was before, and his transition to actually pray to God), but first, he must stop a holy war. A war that will unleash Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. Sprinting through flames and gunfire, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message ​(What's his message?). He must remind three sibling religions that they have forgotten their common deity. Every moment he is delayed allows Hell to breach further and further into the material realm.

 

​I think you have the general plot down! Great Job!

I think some details would help to make your story unique, as you see a similar story in the New York Times each day. So.. who is Jahim?

​What makes his cause justified? etc.

 

Please reciprocate at - http://agentquerycon...-eden/?p=356809

 

​Keep up the good fight!


 

The careful balance of beliefs in the narrative is due to my lifelong study of history and religion.


 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

 

 

 

Bring the pain friends. I am ready.  Thanks very much to all.


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#7 StephenLost

StephenLost

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 127 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:nada

Posted 17 May 2018 - 06:52 PM

Dear

 

 

As the tempest of war again storms through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the hurricane's center. Even worse, it is a war his brother started.

 

Jahim and Abele are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps outside of The Gaza Strip. Each is determined to help their community but both believe in very different methods. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight.

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call on allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war of religious hate so vile that it will convince God to release Hell and turn his back on men.

 

Sensing an Angel on earth Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release from Hell. As the erupting battle tears apart his family and community, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must unite three sibling religions and show them that murder carried out in Gods name angers him more than any other crime. With every life lost Hell is summoned closer to the mortal realm.

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is fiction complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God. It is comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind

 

Thank you,

 

 

 

I appreciate everyones help and will start on counter critiques in the morning.



#8 yawriter

yawriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 141 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 17 May 2018 - 08:10 PM

Bring on the pain...basically haha

​My first thought is...meh it's pretty long. 2-3 paragraphs max and about 250-300 words total. 

Dear

 

 

As the tempest of war again storms through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the hurricane's center. Even worse, it is a war his brother started. I think, personally, "it is a war started by his brother" flows a tad better and leaves the "stakes" for the last word.

 

Jahim and Abele are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps outside of the Gaza Strip. Each is determined to help their community, but both believe in very different methods. I'm not totally sure you need this...the next sentence explains that they are using different methods....Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight. So far, very easy to follow.

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call on allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war of religious hate so vile that it will convince God to release Hell and turn his back on men.

 

Sensing an Angel on earth, Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release from Hell. ​<--This is not a full sentence  As the erupting battle tears apart his family and community, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must unite three sibling religions and show them that murder carried out in Gods name angers him more than any other crime. With every life lost, Hell is summoned closer to the mortal realm. ​So... I got kind of lost but the last two sentences of each otherlast two paragraphs seemed to drag me back in... personally I think it could be less wordy like you done in the first two paragraphs and it would be much easier to follow. I hope this helps! Happy to look at a revised version by the way. Please return the favor :) 

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is fiction complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God. It is comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind

​All comp titles need to be published within the last 2 years. I don't believe this will work.

Thank you,

 

 

 

I appreciate everyones help and will start on counter critiques in the morning.

 


Query- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...critique-back/ 

Query-TOOWCHM: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

Synopsis- The City's Whispers: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

First 250 words: http://agentquerycon...-critique-back/

 


#9 Springfield

Springfield

    Find me at properediting.com

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,119 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 17 May 2018 - 08:40 PM

 

Dear

 

 

As the tempest of war again storms through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the hurricane's center. Even worse, it is a war his brother started.

 

Jahim and Abele Are those supposed to rhyme with Cain and Abel? are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps outside of The Gaza Strip. Each is determined to help their community but both believe in very different methods. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight.

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call on allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war of religious hate so vile that it will convince God to release Hell and turn his back on men. Specifics -- what does he have to do?

 

Sensing an Angel on earth Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release from Hell. As the erupting battle tears apart his family and community, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must unite three sibling religions and show them that murder carried out in Gods name angers him more than any other crime. With every life lost Hell is summoned closer to the mortal realm. Again, specifics -- this is generic and not news to anyone involved, so what, specifically is he meant to do, or who is he meant to get to or whatever.

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is genre fiction complete at 62,000 words.  It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God. It is comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind If you're going to use comps, find proper ones.

 

Thank you,

 

 

 

I appreciate everyones help and will start on counter critiques in the morning.

 



#10 AstrMikeDexter

AstrMikeDexter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 25 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 18 May 2018 - 06:49 AM

 

Dear

 

 

As the tempest of war again storms through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the hurricane's center. I think there's a little too much storm imagery in this first sentence, but that might be a personal thing. Even worse, it is a war his brother started.

 

Jahim and Abele are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps outside of The Gaza Strip. Each is determined to help their community but both believe in very different methods. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight.

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call on allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war of religious hate so vile that it will convince God to release Hell and turn his back on men. I do agree that we might need to know a little bit more about what Jahim's goals are.

 

Sensing an Angel on earth Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release from Hell. Are the first and second sentences supposed to be combined maybe? As the erupting battle tears apart his family and community, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must unite three sibling religions I think we need some specifics and show them that murder carried out in Gods name angers him more than any other crime. With every life lost Hell is summoned closer to the mortal realm.

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is fiction I don't think you need to mention that it's fiction complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God. It is comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind I would maybe cut out the last two sentences, or change them a little.

Thank you,

 

 

 

I appreciate everyones help and will start on counter critiques in the morning.

 

This sounds like you've got a very interesting story! My minor critiques are in red. You're on the right track, I think!


Any help with my query would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!


#11 punitrastogi

punitrastogi

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 244 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationAsia
  • Publishing Experience:Ready with the first draft of my first book

Posted 21 May 2018 - 04:03 AM

Please post the latest version in the first post or give the post no.

 

Makes it easier to find the latest piece to be edited. :)

 

Dear

 

 

As the tempest of war again storms through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at its the hurricane's center. Even worse, it is a war started by his brother started.

 

Jahim and Abele are two Muslim brothers (I know religion is an important aspect to your story, but since you have not mentioned any other religion in your query, I dont think it makes much sense to mention it here too) growing up(Growing up or grew up?) in the Palestinian refugee camps outside of The Gaza Strip. Each is determined to help their community but both believe in very by different methods. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight.

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call on allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war.(If the holy war is the same one that Abele started, that is a pretty useless angel) A war of religious hate so vile that it will convince God to release Hell and turn his back on humans men.

 

Sensing an Angel on earth Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release from Hell, Satan searches for the reason of the Angel's arrival on earth - Jahim. As the erupting battle tears apart his family and community, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. (I am not sure what Jahim is upto, because I don't know what did the Angel expect him to do. And without the clarity of his actions, his stakes are not impressive.) He must unite three sibling religions and show them that murder carried out in Gods name angers him more than any other crime. With every life lost Hell is summoned closer to the mortal realm.

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is (I think you need to mention the kind of fiction here. Because your plot changes from modern fiction to religious fantasy pretty quickly. So, just saying "fiction" wont really work.) fiction complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God. It is comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind

 

Thank you,

 

 

 

I appreciate everyones help and will start on counter critiques in the morning.

 

 

Hope it helps :)



#12 StephenLost

StephenLost

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 127 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:nada

Posted 24 May 2018 - 04:42 PM

Back for round three... I actually think I am making progress now.  Thanks to all.

 

 

 

 

As the flames of war again burn through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the battle's center. Even worse, it is a war his brother started.


 

Jahim and Abele are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps within the Gaza Strip. Each is determined to help their community. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight.

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war of religious hate so fierce that two devout faiths murder one another into extinction. The atrocities committed will be so horrifying that they compel God to abandon mankind and unleash Hell to end the human race.

 

Sensing an Angel on earth, Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release. As war erupts, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must unite three sibling religions and show them that murder carried out in God's name angers him more than any sin. Every life lost summoning Hell closer to the mortal realm.


 

FATE OF ISRAEL is complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God.

 

Thank you,



#13 cmmg

cmmg

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 120 posts
  • Literary Status:unagented
  • LocationCanada

Posted 24 May 2018 - 05:49 PM

Back for round three... I actually think I am making progress now.  Thanks to all.

 

 

 

 

As the flames of war again burn through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the battle's center. Even worse, it is a war his brother started. (I think you're going to have to make your time and setting (fantasy, biblicial, alternate history (which is what I think this is?) etc) more clear here. Because given the current conflicts, people assume something a bit different and then when they hear "a war his brother started" might think this was about real people  (one of the real people who started a real war)  which, it probably should not be. Also maybe putting the brother's before the war would help, "even worse, his own brothers are the ones who started this" or something to act more action?)


 

Jahim and Abele are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps within the Gaza Strip. Each is determined to help their community. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight.

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war (this feels disconnected compared to the other issues. Maybe "Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. And in answer to his prayers/And then an angel confronts Jahim in his dreams. (a period to let the reader absorb this which is pretty big) The angel offers deliverance, but only if he stops the holy war (this makes it clearer the deliverance is about the holy war and not just, you an aside)" or something.). A war of religious hate so fierce that two devout faiths murder one another into extinction. If the war continues (if you don't have something like this, it makes it sound like the next sentence is certain. The war has already started, so the next thing is the future Jahim is trying to prevent) The atrocities committed will be so horrifying that they compel God to abandon mankind and unleash Hell to end the human race.

 

Sensing an Angel on earth, Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release. (this sentence is unrelated to the rest of the sentences in the paragraph here. I'm not sure it's even needed really, unless you want to make it clear that Satan is doing something, in which cause maybe phrase this differently. Right now this reads as if it's from Satan's POV and usually it's one POV per query. So maybe "But even as the angel warns Jahim, Satan isn't idle. Intent on X he Y" or something that has more about Satan's action and less about his POV. Moreover, I don't know what "divine prophecy" is being silenced, or what he means by "his release" does he mean he's trying to stop Jahim from stopping the holy war that will make God unleash Hell, which specially includes the devil? Because what you have that's too vague for that ultra specific situation where there's a lot to put together I think.)

 

As war erupts, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must unite three sibling religions (My question is, one, why does he have to unite Christianity if they aren't involved in the conflict) and show them that murder carried out in God's name angers him more than any sin (also, I'm pretty sure Judaism doesn't have "sin" the same way it's conceptualized by Christians. Also, there's I don't think there's a Heaven/Hell the way that Christians conceive of it either, if I remember my teachings correctly, there's no "hell" but "Gehinnom or She'ol" where purification only lasts like 12 months and then either you're spirit is destroyed (if you're super evil) or you go to the other Afterlife. I mean, Jewish people think life ends at death in a way Christians don't.. Also I think (again, I might be a little wrong but this sounds off from what I learned when I was young) that Christian Satan/the devil is also different from Jewish "satan." To quote "HaSatan works for G-d. His job is to make choosing good over evil enough of a challenge so that it can be a meaningful choice." So not evil. Jewish Satan isn't evil because he doesn't have free will. If I remember correctly, Orthodox Judaism takes the classical Rabbinical way of saying the concept satan represents the evil of man or something and isn't even a distinct being (Jackson, David R. (2004). Enochic Judaism. London: T&T Clark International). I also have the idea that Reform Jews also think satan is a metaphor, but I don't remember where I read that. So that's really different than Christianity. I mean, this might be a case of "Jewish people believe vs Judaism" and someone feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but this feels really off.

  I can't speak to Islam, but there are going to be some real issues here if you think that "see all the Jewish people had to do to end this conflict was just see the Christian side of things" because that's blatantly antisemist. I mean, again, I don't know if you're having the same Islamaphobic problem with Islam, but there's a lot of "basic" Jewish things that are incompatible with these ideas, so I'm having a lot of doubt that these things will be united. It's one thing to say "these three faiths will come together about the things that they all agree on" and a totally other to say "these three faiths will come together on this thing one of them agree on and the others disagree, but hey, comprising right? I mean, you're religion's gotta be at least sort of wrong." )
. Every life lost summoning Hell closer to the mortal realm.


 

FATE OF ISRAEL is complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God.

 

Thank you,

 

Your queries a better than it started, but I feel it could be more coherent and have more of a sense of place and worldbuilding. I don't have an overall voice, going here, I don't get a good sense of character. I do get some stakes, but I feel I don't get what the heart/emotion of the book is about.

 

My main issue is that you're really out of your lane with this story and are getting some facts about Judaism straight up wrong. Maybe this is just my impression from the query and the book is different, but this really sounds like a "Christian God calls this Muslim man to end the feud between Jews and Muslims in the Middle East by making them unite in the belief of the Christian God which is unquestionably the one correct/real one presented here."

 

Double also (but this might just be a wording issue), I'm not sure I like who the issue with Israel is seen as a "Jewish issue" and not a "fucked up Israeli government issue" in the same way that Americans starting wars isn't usually framed as "Christians vs Muslims" I mean America media chooses "US vs Muslims" because it's Islamophobic but I don't see people really saying "yeah the issue is Christianity. And the Christian community as a whole has to answer for this guy. The pope? Catholics? Orthodox? You guys are at fault too! When is the Christian community going to come together and..."  Maybe this is just a wording thing though, because I think you tried to phrase it like "these two faiths are good, why are people doing this" (so you're trying to say either faith is bad) but I also think that the faiths are maybe the reason people are doing this, you know? If that makes sense? Like Trump sucks and he's German (his dad was anyway) but the terrible things he's doing aren't because he's German, and so no one calls attention to that specifically. I mean, I guess you're trying to bring commonality by mentioning that, but I don't know, something about the execution didn't sit right with me.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#14 Heliagrey

Heliagrey

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 70 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:Previously published with Great Potential Press.

Posted 24 May 2018 - 07:46 PM

Back for round three... I actually think I am making progress now.  Thanks to all.

 

 

 

 

As the flames of war again burn through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the battle's centercenter of a battle his brother started. Even worse, it is a war his brother started.

 

Jahim and Abele, are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps within the Gaza Strip, are both determined to help their community. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight. (Good.)

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion.(On purpose?) Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war. (You might want to put in your first paragraph (pre query- to the agent) about the genre, so the sudden shift here doesn't surprise or put them off) A war of religious hate so fierce that two devout faiths murder one another into extinction. The atrocities committed will be so horrifying that they compel God to abandon mankind and unleash Hell to end the human race. (Oh dear.)

 

Sensing an Angel on earth, Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. (Oh boy, this is escalating quickly.) Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release. (Sentence fragment- doesn't make sesne) As war erupts, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must unite three sibling religions and show them that murder carried out in God's name angers him more than any sin. Every life lost summoning Hell closer to the mortal realm. (I have no idea what you mean by this sentence)

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God.

 

Thank you,



#15 StephenLost

StephenLost

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 127 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:nada

Posted 28 May 2018 - 12:18 PM

I finaly feel like I am getting somewhere. i have drafted this letter a hundred times. It can get discouraging. Here is what I hope is a crisper attempt. Will get on counter critiques tonight after work ><

 

 

 

 

 

Dear

 

 

As the flames of war again burn through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the center of a battle his brother started.


 

Jahim and Abele are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps within the Gaza Strip, both are determined to help their community. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight.

 

Attempting to capture an Israeli soldier, Abele kills him. The privates father swears revenge and abuses his high rank to pursue war. Israeli forces surrounded the Gaza Stripe, while Palestinians call on allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs Allah for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream, offering deliverance, but he must stop a war. A conflict of intolerance so fierce that two devout faiths murder one another into extinction. Their violence so appalling that God will abandon mankind, unleashing Hell to end the human race.

 

Sensing an Angel on earth, demons search for its location, desperate to stop any prophecy that could delay Hell's release. As war erupts, Jahim is pursued by demonic agents and religious zealots intent on silencing him. Racing through battlefield, he must unite three sibling religions by reminding them of their common deity. The God of Abraham, the first prophet of both warring faiths. Showing that murder carried out in God's name angers him more than any sin. Jahim is forced to lead a world shaped by hate towards peace,or witness the terrors of Armageddon first hand.


 

FATE OF ISRAEL is complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the common origin of the three western religions.

 

Thank you,



#16 Springfield

Springfield

    Find me at properediting.com

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 1,119 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 28 May 2018 - 06:53 PM

 

I finaly feel like I am getting somewhere. i have drafted this letter a hundred times. It can get discouraging. Here is what I hope is a crisper attempt. Will get on counter critiques tonight after work ><

 

 

 

 

 

Dear

 

 

As the flames of war again burn through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the center of a battle his brother started.

 

Jahim and Abele are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps within the Gaza Strip, both are determined to help their community. You change tense from the opening line, and this has a wicked ugly splice. Any copy you send to agents must be as clean as possible. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight.

 

Attempting to capture an Israeli soldier, Abele kills him. The privates father swears revenge and abuses his high rank to pursue war. Israeli forces surrounded the Gaza Stripe, If I were an agent, I would reject this for lack of editing alone. It suggests the ms. is at least in the same shape, if not worse, and agents are looking for saleable copy.while Palestinians call on allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs Allah for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream, offering deliverance, but he must stop a war. A conflict of intolerance so fierce that two devout faiths murder one another into extinction. Their violence so appalling that God will abandon mankind, unleashing Hell to end the human race. I don't understand this on a basic level -- it needs *specifics*. Why is this conflict different from the dozens and dozens before it? It sounds like a skirmish similar to many that have been going on for decades.

 

Sensing an Angel on earth, demons search for its location, desperate to stop any prophecy that could delay Hell's release. As war erupts, Jahim is pursued by demonic agents and religious zealots intent on silencing him. Racing through battlefield, he must unite three sibling religions by reminding them of their common deity. Again, I don't get this -- what is he supposed to specifically do? Everyone knows this -- he's supposed to remind them of something they're aware of and what? That will miraculously stop the war? Why hasn't it before? The God of Abraham, the first prophet of both warring faiths. Showing that murder carried out in God's name angers him more than any sin. Jahim is forced to lead a world shaped by hate towards peace,or witness the terrors of Armageddon first hand.

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is GENRE complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the common origin of the three western religions.

 

Thank you,

 

 

This needs specifics -- it's still just very thin. It sounds like a little fable, or like the old George Burns God movies, where he sends someone to remind the world god says be nice or whatever the message was.. I don't get what he does that supports an entire book. 

 

It's also just rife with errors all the way through.



#17 StephenLost

StephenLost

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 127 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:nada

Posted 18 August 2018 - 12:10 PM

New letter on first post.



#18 ViviMont

ViviMont

    Vanessa V.

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 340 posts
  • Literary Status:published
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 22 August 2018 - 10:46 AM

 

Dear,

 

Fate of Israel is the story of two Muslim brothers struggling within the refugee camps of Gaza. (Wow, very interesting.) Each is determined to help their community. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate to fight.

 

Attempting to capture an Israeli soldier, Abele accidentally kills him. The soldiers high ranking father is destroyed by the loss, and illegally pursues war in Gaza as revenge. While Abele rises through the Palestinian ranks, the conflict spreads throughout the Middle East. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. (Really like how you've weaved two characters' stories effortlessly into one query.) 

 

An angel confronts Jahim, offering him a chance to save his people. But he must first stop a holy war. A war between two faiths ending in their shared extinction. The scale of the genocide, compounded with the destruction of Jerusalem, will unleash Armageddon.

 

Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing him. Abele is forced to choose between his brother or Jihad, only to die in battle. Heart broken, Jahim preforms his first miracle, resurrecting Abele. Hamas leaders interpret the resurrection as a sign of Abele's ascension, and rally behind their new warlord. ( I honestly have no comments so far which is rare for me. I think you've worked really hard on this, and it shows.) 

 

Haunted by his mistake, and running out of time, Jahim must confront his brother and stop the bloodshed before it ends mankind (this is a perfect way to end the query. The next sentence just makes it a bit confusing). Forcing two sibling religions to realize that their intolerance appalls God as much as any other sin.

 

Complete at 63,000 words. Fate of Israel is a stand-alone story based on the common origin of the three western religions. (is it written in dual POV? If it is, I'd include that here. Sounds like a fantastic story. I wish you the best!)

 

 

All new draft. I hope the direction is closer to the mark. Thank you to every one for their help. I am most grateful. I work till late so I will fire out a few critiques when I get home. Best of luck to every one.

 


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#19 Andrew Rosenberg

Andrew Rosenberg

    Noveling Forever!

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 136 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Northwest

Posted 26 August 2018 - 11:57 AM

 

Dear,

 

Fate of Israel is the story of two Muslim brothers struggling within the refugee camps of Gaza. Each is determined to help their community. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate to fight.

 

Attempting to capture an Israeli soldier, Abele accidentally kills him. The soldier's high-ranking father is destroyed by the loss cliche and ambiguous, and illegally pursues war in Gaza as revenge how? Israeli soldiers are on pretty tight leashes. Don't need to know for query, just curious. While Abele rises through the Palestinian ranks, the conflict spreads throughout the Middle East. Terrified why?, Jahim begs God for help.

 

An angel confronts Jahim, offering him a chance to save his people. But he who? must first stop a holy war. A war between two faiths ending in their shared extinction. The scale of the genocide, compounded with the destruction of Jerusalem, will unleash Armageddon. seems bad  :sad:  Question is how bad  :huh: 

 

Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents whoa  intent on silencing him. Abele is forced to choose between his brother or Jihad, only to die in battle. Heart broken, Jahim preforms his first miracle, resurrecting Abele. Hamas leaders interpret the resurrection as a sign of Abele's ascension, and rally behind their new warlord.

 

Haunted by his mistake oops , and running out of time, Jahim must confront his brother and stop the bloodshed before it ends all mankind.

 

Complete at 63,000 words. Fate of Israel is a stand-alone story based on the common origin of the three western religions. So is this a novel? What's the genre? Seems a bit short for a novel, long for a novella.

 

 

All new draft. I hope the direction is closer to the mark. Thank you to every one for their help. I am most grateful. I work till late so I will fire out a few critiques when I get home. Best of luck to every one.

 

I like this. Couple grammatical issues and a few edits.

My question is whether this is actually Urban Fantasy wrapped in the Mid-east conflict. 



#20 StephenLost

StephenLost

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 127 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging
  • LocationUS South
  • Publishing Experience:nada

Posted 28 August 2018 - 08:18 PM

New Letter in first post  






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users