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Fate of Israel (Critiques will be returned)


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#1 StephenLost

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 03:40 PM

Dear


 


 

A war is coming, prophet. A war that will bring the end of days. You must stop it or witness it. God will tolerate man's sins no more.


 

Fate of Israel is the story of a prophet living in our modern world and the three western religions who worship the same God. The God of Abraham. He is the first prophet of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim traditions. Comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind, the novel is fantasy complete at 62,000 words.


 

When Jahim's brother, Abele, joins a terrorist group, Jahim must risk his life to save his brother's soul. After killing an Israeli general's son, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and begin burying bombs in their streets. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help.


 

An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him salvation, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war that will unleash Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. Sprinting through flames and gunfire, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must remind three sibling religions that they have forgotten their common deity. Every moment he is delayed allows Hell to breach further and further into the material realm.


 

The careful balance of beliefs in the narrative is due to my lifelong study of history and religion.


 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

 

 

 

Bring the pain friends. I am ready.  Thanks very much to all.



#2 JDSmith

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 03:59 PM

Dear

 

 

A war is coming, prophet. A war that will bring the end of days. You must stop it or witness it. God will tolerate man's sins no more. (Yeah it sounds cool, but probably shouldn't be in a query letter. An Agent will see the "you" and immediately say, "Skip!" It's the harsh truth. Save this for the manuscript)

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is the story of a prophet living in our modern world and the three western religions who worship the same God, The God of Abraham. He is the first prophet of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim traditions. Comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind, the novel is fantasy complete at 62,000 words. (I more often see this paragraph come right at the end of the letter. I personally like it at the end because we can learn about our protagonist first and the title after. I'm just gonna put a copy there for reference.)

 

When Jahim's brother, Abele, joins a terrorist group, Jahim must risk his life to save his brother's soul. After killing an Israeli general's son, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and begin burying bombs in their streets. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help.

 

An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him salvation, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war that will unleash Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. Sprinting through flames and gunfire, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must remind three sibling religions that they have forgotten their common deity. Every moment he is delayed allows Hell to breach further and further into the material realm.

 

(You need more substance in this letter. Only 9 sentences telling about the plot is not going to do well marketing your book. You just need to add more "umf" so they say lol)

**FATE OF ISRAEL is fantasy novel complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God. It is comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind.

 

The careful balance of beliefs in the narrative is due to my lifelong study of history and religion.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

 

 

 

Bring the pain friends. I am ready.  Thanks very much to all.


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#3 Springfield

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Posted 15 May 2018 - 05:20 PM

Dear

 

 

A war is coming, prophet. I'm a prophet? A war that will bring the end of days. You must stop it or witness it. God will tolerate man's sins no more.

 

Fate of Israel is the story of a prophet living in our modern world and the three western religions who worship the same God. The God of Abraham. He is the first prophet of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim traditions. Comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind, the novel is fantasy complete at 62,000 words. Who.... and I'd put the wc and genre at the end. Also, bad, bad, bad comps, especially combined. That's also super low for fantasy -- that's barely novel-length.

 

When Jahim's brother, Abele, joins a terrorist group, This is vague -- where and when are we? Jahim must risk his life to save his brother's soul. After killing an Israeli general's son, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and begin burying bombs in their streets. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help.

 

An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him salvation, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war that will unleash Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. Not a sentence. Sprinting through flames and gunfire, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message.  He must remind three sibling religions that they have forgotten their common deity. THAT'S his message? Every moment he is delayed allows Hell to breach further and further into the material realm.

 

The careful balance of beliefs in the narrative is due to my lifelong study of history and religion.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

 

 

 

Bring the pain friends. I am ready.  Thanks very much to all.

 

This is fairly clear and all, but it feels... thin. I think you need more something -- why him? What is he meant to specifically do? That's not really the message meant to stop war, right? I mean that's hardly a forgotten secret and it's not stopping anything. I don't really get it?



#4 W.P.

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Posted 17 May 2018 - 02:23 AM

A war is coming, prophet. A war that will bring the end of days. You must stop it or witness it. God will tolerate man's sins no more.  ((I suggest removing this. Queries should be written in third person, not first or second. There have been cases of queries written that way that worked, but most agents will read it and roll their eyes and move onto another query. And I don't think this particular usage of the second person really works. It's vague and  there is nothing there that is enticing.))


 

Fate of Israel is the story of a prophet living in our modern world and the three western religions who worship the same God.((now THIS is interesting! This should be your first line)) The God of Abraham. He is the first prophet of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim traditions. Comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind, the novel is fantasy complete at 62,000 words. ((agents might scrunch their nose at the word count. It's pretty short for a fantasy. Unless, it's middle grade, of course. But something tells me it isn't.))


 

When Jahim's brother, Abele, joins a terrorist group, Jahim must risk his life to save his brother's soul. After killing an Israeli general's son, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and begin burying bombs in their streets. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. 


 

An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him salvation, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war that will unleash Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. Sprinting through flames and gunfire, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must remind three sibling religions that they have forgotten their common deity. Every moment he is delayed allows Hell to breach further and further into the material realm.


 

The careful balance of beliefs in the narrative is due to my lifelong study of history and religion.

 

 

 

 

This is a VERY interesting story. As I read the query I was interested and couldn't really find much issue with it. However, I can't say it's quite there yet. I think there are two things missing: (1) Jahim and (2) concrete details. What I mean is that we don't get much of Jahim. The query starts with his brother, then it develops into a war and Jahim getting into a holy war. Basically, I don't have a sense of who he is. I know he does good things, but who is he? What did he do before this? How old is he? Was he single? Where did he live? Do we need all this info in a query? No, but just one thing might help us have a good sense of who he is. Usually a character's decision says it all, but here Jahim does all the right things, meaning he doesn't show much of who he is. He shows what people should strive to be. If that makes sense.

 

Regarding the concrete details. This query doesn't really have them. The query is very abstract and so it doesn't paint a picture and it doesn't stick in our minds. I also struggle with this myself. But the best queries are a good blend of abstract and concrete. Concrete details are details that are "physical" regarding a place or character that help the reader visualise something. Without them, the writing is a blank page in a reader's mind.

 

Anyway, I hope this is of some help. :)

 

Here's the link to my query:  http://agentquerycon...ren-ya-fantasy/



#5 crestakaz

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Posted 17 May 2018 - 02:44 AM

Dear

 

 

A war is coming, prophet. A war that will bring the end of days. You must stop it or witness it. God will tolerate man's sins no more. I personally don't like second person addresses, and I don't know that it resonates too well with agents, from what I've seen. This could maybe work, but I'd personally recommend staying away from it.

 

Fate of Israel is the story of a prophet living in our modern world and the three western religions who worship the same God This is all tell and no show. Your query is supposed to be doing the showing. Furthermore, this seems to be your "housekeeping" paragraph which needs to be at the end of your query, not in the middle. The God of Abraham. He is the first prophet of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim traditions I'm not sure any of this is necessary. Comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind, the novel is fantasy complete at 62,000 words. An adult fantasy that's only 62,000 words? That's a huge red flag. Adult fantasies are usually at least 80,000, usually more along the lines of 100-120k. This alone would probably knock you out of a lot of query piles. Novels that are too short for their genre usually indicate not enough development of themes, characters, ideas, worldbuilding, and novels that are too long usually mean there's a lot of fat on the MS. Also, this doesn't sound anything like LOTR

 

When Jahim's brother, Abele, joins a terrorist group, Jahim must risk his life to save his brother's soul. After killing an Israeli general's son, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and begin burying bombs in their streets Uhhhhh are you really sure you want to do this given the current climate? I think this sentence alone might turn off a lot of readers. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help.

 

An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him salvation he doesn't seem to need salvation; it's his brother who does, right?, but first, he must stop a holy war This war is kind of coming out of left field; which holy war? an impending holy war? an ongoing one? Do you mean "prevent" instead of "stop", which kind of implies the war is already in progress?. A war that will unleash Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. Sprinting through flames and gunfire, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims Oh Jesus Christ (no irony intended)--you do not want to use this phrase in a query letter and demonic agents intent on silencing his message What message, exactly? This is key to establishing his stakes. He must remind three sibling religions that they have forgotten their common deity. Wait, this is his message? Seems... generic. And way too simple if you're talking about the current state of politics in the Middle East. Every moment he is delayed allows Hell to breach further and further into the material realm. I personally don't think the stakes are personal enough for Jahim; you start out talking about his brother, but where is he by the end of this? Even if it's doomsday for the whole world, we should know what Jahim faces to lose that's important and unique to him.

 

The careful balance of beliefs in the narrative is due to my lifelong study of history and religion This doesn't work as a bio. Lifelong study doesn't inherently give you any kind of authority to write a book about bringing peace to the Middle East. And "history" and "religion" are two INCREDIBLY broad categories.

 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

 

 

 

Bring the pain friends. I am ready.  Thanks very much to all.

 

This needs basic restructuring. Have you read Query Shark's archives? Go through there first to get a sense of what's going on. However, I will say that it seems like your MS itself needs fundamental revision, given its length and implied stakes, amongst other things in the query.......



#6 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 17 May 2018 - 01:36 PM

Dear


​hello there,


 

A war is coming, prophet. A war that will bring the end of days. You must stop it or witness it. God will tolerate man's sins no more. ​I'm not sure why this sentence is here...


 

Fate of Israel is the story of a prophet living in our modern world and the three western religions who worship the same God. The God of Abraham. He is the first prophet of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim traditions. Comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind, the novel is fantasy complete at 62,000 words.


 

When Jahim's brother, Abele, joins a terrorist group, Jahim must risk his life to save his brother's soul. After killing an Israeli general's son, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and begin burying bombs in their streets. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help.


 

An angel confronts Jahim​ (is there anything unique about Jahim? tell us) how did he come to be so religious? where did he grow up? in a dream and offers him salvation (wait, so he's not saved yet? Tell us about who he was before, and his transition to actually pray to God), but first, he must stop a holy war. A war that will unleash Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. Sprinting through flames and gunfire, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message ​(What's his message?). He must remind three sibling religions that they have forgotten their common deity. Every moment he is delayed allows Hell to breach further and further into the material realm.

 

​I think you have the general plot down! Great Job!

I think some details would help to make your story unique, as you see a similar story in the New York Times each day. So.. who is Jahim?

​What makes his cause justified? etc.

 

Please reciprocate at - http://agentquerycon...-eden/?p=356809

 

​Keep up the good fight!


 

The careful balance of beliefs in the narrative is due to my lifelong study of history and religion.


 

Thank you for your consideration,

 

 

 

 

Bring the pain friends. I am ready.  Thanks very much to all.


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#7 StephenLost

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Posted 17 May 2018 - 06:52 PM

Dear

 

 

As the tempest of war again storms through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the hurricane's center. Even worse, it is a war his brother started.

 

Jahim and Abele are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps outside of The Gaza Strip. Each is determined to help their community but both believe in very different methods. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight.

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call on allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war of religious hate so vile that it will convince God to release Hell and turn his back on men.

 

Sensing an Angel on earth Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release from Hell. As the erupting battle tears apart his family and community, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must unite three sibling religions and show them that murder carried out in Gods name angers him more than any other crime. With every life lost Hell is summoned closer to the mortal realm.

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is fiction complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God. It is comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind

 

Thank you,

 

 

 

I appreciate everyones help and will start on counter critiques in the morning.



#8 yawriter

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Posted 17 May 2018 - 08:10 PM

Bring on the pain...basically haha

​My first thought is...meh it's pretty long. 2-3 paragraphs max and about 250-300 words total. 

Dear

 

 

As the tempest of war again storms through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the hurricane's center. Even worse, it is a war his brother started. I think, personally, "it is a war started by his brother" flows a tad better and leaves the "stakes" for the last word.

 

Jahim and Abele are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps outside of the Gaza Strip. Each is determined to help their community, but both believe in very different methods. I'm not totally sure you need this...the next sentence explains that they are using different methods....Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight. So far, very easy to follow.

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call on allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war of religious hate so vile that it will convince God to release Hell and turn his back on men.

 

Sensing an Angel on earth, Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release from Hell. ​<--This is not a full sentence  As the erupting battle tears apart his family and community, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must unite three sibling religions and show them that murder carried out in Gods name angers him more than any other crime. With every life lost, Hell is summoned closer to the mortal realm. ​So... I got kind of lost but the last two sentences of each otherlast two paragraphs seemed to drag me back in... personally I think it could be less wordy like you done in the first two paragraphs and it would be much easier to follow. I hope this helps! Happy to look at a revised version by the way. Please return the favor :) 

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is fiction complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God. It is comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind

​All comp titles need to be published within the last 2 years. I don't believe this will work.

Thank you,

 

 

 

I appreciate everyones help and will start on counter critiques in the morning.

 



#9 Springfield

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Posted 17 May 2018 - 08:40 PM

 

Dear

 

 

As the tempest of war again storms through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the hurricane's center. Even worse, it is a war his brother started.

 

Jahim and Abele Are those supposed to rhyme with Cain and Abel? are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps outside of The Gaza Strip. Each is determined to help their community but both believe in very different methods. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight.

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call on allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war of religious hate so vile that it will convince God to release Hell and turn his back on men. Specifics -- what does he have to do?

 

Sensing an Angel on earth Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release from Hell. As the erupting battle tears apart his family and community, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must unite three sibling religions and show them that murder carried out in Gods name angers him more than any other crime. With every life lost Hell is summoned closer to the mortal realm. Again, specifics -- this is generic and not news to anyone involved, so what, specifically is he meant to do, or who is he meant to get to or whatever.

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is genre fiction complete at 62,000 words.  It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God. It is comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind If you're going to use comps, find proper ones.

 

Thank you,

 

 

 

I appreciate everyones help and will start on counter critiques in the morning.

 



#10 AstrMikeDexter

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Posted 18 May 2018 - 06:49 AM

 

Dear

 

 

As the tempest of war again storms through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at the hurricane's center. I think there's a little too much storm imagery in this first sentence, but that might be a personal thing. Even worse, it is a war his brother started.

 

Jahim and Abele are two Muslim brothers growing up in the Palestinian refugee camps outside of The Gaza Strip. Each is determined to help their community but both believe in very different methods. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight.

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call on allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war of religious hate so vile that it will convince God to release Hell and turn his back on men. I do agree that we might need to know a little bit more about what Jahim's goals are.

 

Sensing an Angel on earth Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release from Hell. Are the first and second sentences supposed to be combined maybe? As the erupting battle tears apart his family and community, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must unite three sibling religions I think we need some specifics and show them that murder carried out in Gods name angers him more than any other crime. With every life lost Hell is summoned closer to the mortal realm.

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is fiction I don't think you need to mention that it's fiction complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God. It is comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind I would maybe cut out the last two sentences, or change them a little.

Thank you,

 

 

 

I appreciate everyones help and will start on counter critiques in the morning.

 

This sounds like you've got a very interesting story! My minor critiques are in red. You're on the right track, I think!


Any help with my query would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!


#11 punitrastogi

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Posted 21 May 2018 - 04:03 AM

Please post the latest version in the first post or give the post no.

 

Makes it easier to find the latest piece to be edited. :)

 

Dear

 

 

As the tempest of war again storms through the Middle East, Jahim finds himself trapped at its the hurricane's center. Even worse, it is a war started by his brother started.

 

Jahim and Abele are two Muslim brothers (I know religion is an important aspect to your story, but since you have not mentioned any other religion in your query, I dont think it makes much sense to mention it here too) growing up(Growing up or grew up?) in the Palestinian refugee camps outside of The Gaza Strip. Each is determined to help their community but both believe in very by different methods. Jahim is a holy man in training, while Abele is a would-be warrior desperate for a chance to fight.

 

After killing an Israeli general, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and call on allies for aid. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help. An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him deliverance, but first, he must stop a holy war.(If the holy war is the same one that Abele started, that is a pretty useless angel) A war of religious hate so vile that it will convince God to release Hell and turn his back on humans men.

 

Sensing an Angel on earth Satan searches for the reason of its trespass. Intent on silencing any divine prophecy that might delay his release from Hell, Satan searches for the reason of the Angel's arrival on earth - Jahim. As the erupting battle tears apart his family and community, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. (I am not sure what Jahim is upto, because I don't know what did the Angel expect him to do. And without the clarity of his actions, his stakes are not impressive.) He must unite three sibling religions and show them that murder carried out in Gods name angers him more than any other crime. With every life lost Hell is summoned closer to the mortal realm.

 

FATE OF ISRAEL is (I think you need to mention the kind of fiction here. Because your plot changes from modern fiction to religious fantasy pretty quickly. So, just saying "fiction" wont really work.) fiction complete at 62,000 words. It is a stand-alone story based on the three western religions who worship the same God. It is comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind

 

Thank you,

 

 

 

I appreciate everyones help and will start on counter critiques in the morning.

 

 

Hope it helps :)






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