A war is coming, prophet. A war that will bring the end of days. You must stop it or witness it. God will tolerate man's sins no more. ((I suggest removing this. Queries should be written in third person, not first or second. There have been cases of queries written that way that worked, but most agents will read it and roll their eyes and move onto another query. And I don't think this particular usage of the second person really works. It's vague and there is nothing there that is enticing.))
Fate of Israel is the story of a prophet living in our modern world and the three western religions who worship the same God.((now THIS is interesting! This should be your first line)) The God of Abraham. He is the first prophet of the Jewish, Christian, and Muslim traditions. Comparable to The Lord of the Rings blended with Left Behind, the novel is fantasy complete at 62,000 words. ((agents might scrunch their nose at the word count. It's pretty short for a fantasy. Unless, it's middle grade, of course. But something tells me it isn't.))
When Jahim's brother, Abele, joins a terrorist group, Jahim must risk his life to save his brother's soul. After killing an Israeli general's son, Abele sets a war in motion. Israeli forces surround the Gaza Strip while Palestinians clutch their rifles and begin burying bombs in their streets. Terrified, Jahim begs God for help.
An angel confronts Jahim in a dream and offers him salvation, but first, he must stop a holy war. A war that will unleash Armageddon as described in the Book of Revelations. Sprinting through flames and gunfire, Jahim is pursued by radical Muslims and demonic agents intent on silencing his message. He must remind three sibling religions that they have forgotten their common deity. Every moment he is delayed allows Hell to breach further and further into the material realm.
The careful balance of beliefs in the narrative is due to my lifelong study of history and religion.
This is a VERY interesting story. As I read the query I was interested and couldn't really find much issue with it. However, I can't say it's quite there yet. I think there are two things missing: (1) Jahim and (2) concrete details. What I mean is that we don't get much of Jahim. The query starts with his brother, then it develops into a war and Jahim getting into a holy war. Basically, I don't have a sense of who he is. I know he does good things, but who is he? What did he do before this? How old is he? Was he single? Where did he live? Do we need all this info in a query? No, but just one thing might help us have a good sense of who he is. Usually a character's decision says it all, but here Jahim does all the right things, meaning he doesn't show much of who he is. He shows what people should strive to be. If that makes sense.
Regarding the concrete details. This query doesn't really have them. The query is very abstract and so it doesn't paint a picture and it doesn't stick in our minds. I also struggle with this myself. But the best queries are a good blend of abstract and concrete. Concrete details are details that are "physical" regarding a place or character that help the reader visualise something. Without them, the writing is a blank page in a reader's mind.
Anyway, I hope this is of some help. :)
Here's the link to my query: http://agentquerycon...ren-ya-fantasy/