Thanks once more for taking the time to look this query over. This version is tighter in its focus on the MC, his challenges and the tasks he faces.
[PERSONALIZED PER AGENT PROFILE] I am writing to you because . . . . MACHETE - RETURN OF THE CELTIC is a horror/crime novel steeped in Gaelic mythical history (113,000 words). Do you mean mythology?
Detective Mike Saunders has two choices – retire in a year with a full pension, or wait until his boss gets bumped downtown and take over as Precinct Captain. One word defines his tour on the Central Park beat – mundane. But one night in the early spring, Mike is called to a horrific murder scene at Umpire Rock. He’s now staring at the toughest case of his career.
You've got two separate ideas here: 1) Mike thinks he's got two clear paths ahead and this murder disrupts both of them. 2) His job is boring until the murders start. Pick one idea and run with it.
Also, you'll want to use colons instead of dashes with these particular sentences.
The evidence reveals the dead man is a pedophile, ripped to shreds while attempting to rape a 10-year old girl who is left unharmed.
Unless it's absolutely essential, it's best to avoid such graphic imagery in a query. The average person recoils at a statement like this, and there's not enough time in a query to ease the reader into it or out of it. You don't want an agent recoiling from your query. Obviously it's important to mention the dead guy's a sexual predator, but I'd cut out the rape part. My personal style choice would also be to circumvent the cringiness as much as possible by saying "child sex offender" instead of "pedophile".
When More murders follow
in the park and along the Upper East Side. Mike suspects a vigilante serial killer is hunting sexual predators and performing a grotesque mutilation ritual. Doesn't matter where they happen, just that they do. The survivors claim a “monster” appeared from nowhere to rescue them, but Mike doesn’t believe in gods or ghosts. As the bodies pile up, the heat intensifies from the brass downtown. They want the butcher coined “Machete” by the local media caught before the city enters a panic state a la the Summer of Sam**. Awkward phrasing. Chop it up and keep it simple. The media coins the killer "Machete". The brass want him caught before etc etc.
Are all the survivors children? The below paragraph suggests so, but it's not clear. You can fix this simply by saying all the dead guys specifically prey on children.
**Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe Summer of Sam is just the name of a movie made about Son of Sam, not an actual term coined by the media. Simply say Son of Sam.
A single thread binds every case – all of the children wear a Pectoral Cross. Mike must figure out what the cross means and why the children are protected. His search uncovers long-hidden tales surrounding the ancient symbol that lead him to a 1400-year old cult. Their priestess has summoned an avenging Celtic spirit to cleanse evil from the world, beginning with pedophiles. Faced with battling a supernatural force, Mike risks his life to stop a purge that will rival the Apocalypse.
This handwaves Mike's earlier reluctance to believe in monsters, which makes it irrelevant.
Pectoral cross isn't a proper noun.
Risking his life isn't enough of a stake. Mike's a detective; risking his life comes with the job. Dig deeper. You've got a grounded detective who doesn't believe in the supernatural. He's also clearly respected and successful if he's next in line for Captain. But now he's chasing ancient cults and hunting Celtic spirits. Sounds like your stakes are in there.
MACHETE - RETURN OF THE CELTIC will appeal to readers of Richard Marcello’s THE MEDUSA AMULET and THE ROMANOV CROSS. [I have attached the first . . . [PER SUBMISSION GUIDLELINES].
I graduated from a Top Ten law school, and have spent my 25-year career practicing international securities law. I had the privilege of spending an entire day discussing Christian mythology with the Archbishop of the San Francisco Catholic diocese. I could not have written this book without his guidance.
Thank you for your time and consideration,