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DEATH AND ROBOT GIRL (YA Sci-Fi Fantasy) (WILL RETURN CRITIQUE)

Fiction Fantasy Science Fiction Young Adult

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#1 cmmg

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Posted 19 May 2018 - 06:26 PM

So, here is my first draft synopsis, I'll definitely try to return the favour with critique, even if I'm not super sure how the format of these is supposed to go.

ANWAY, DRAFT #1

 

Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android isn’t fun, it sucks. KIRA GARCIA, the first and only android ever, built at the turn of the 21st century, doesn’t get cool robots powers. All she has is a human family who loves her but is ordered to kill her the moment she develops sentience. Which, unfortunately, was years ago.

 

When her creator—or creators, it’s not like Kira knows anything about them—decide it’s finally time to decommission her, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape.

 

But she’s too late. In the middle of persuading her family, her creators attack—and her brother’s throat is slit. The man responsible? He was hired by someone called HECTOR. With any chance of escaping in secret dashed, Kira turns to her new plan: get revenge on her creators and kill Hector.

 

That’s when things get weird. A girl named LAUREN shows up claiming that Kira is a character in a book, a book where she’s murdered. But here’s Lauren, ready to save Kira from her ending! Not a chance. Either Kira’s going to save herself, or she’s not worth saving. However, just as Kira and Lauren start to plan, Kira’s creators kidnap her, imprisoning her in a compound with the other robots. That’s right, other robots. And taking the time to save them, might mean missing her one shot at revenge.

 

And then, Kira finds it: the perfect weapon. Hidden away and imprisoned in the compound, is some sort of failed experiment, a giant metal tree that shoots lightning. Despite the other robots warning her that the tree is dangerous, Kira can see no other solution. This is exactly what she needs to kill Hector and her creators—as soon as she figures out who they are.

 

To further complicate matters, Lauren breaks into the compound to rescue Kira, before Kira has had a chance for revenge. Running isn’t an option, Kira tells Lauren, especially when the other robots are in danger. No, Kira convinces Lauren to give her another week to find all the files on the robots and destroy them. Only, Kira isn’t really looking for the files but for Hector.

 

When the deadline finally arrives, Kira is no closer to figuring out who Hector is, but it doesn’t matter. As Lauren evacuates the other robots, Kira heads to the weapon—the lightning tree.

 

Except, the lightning tree isn’t a weapon at all, it’s a sentient being just like Kira, only this one is definitely not going to help her. The tree is none other than Hector, one of her creators, determined to create robots so he can take over their bodies. And as long as Hector is alive, none of the robots are safe.

 

Kira has no other choice. To protect her family and the robots she must blow up the building— herself included—destroying Hector and all the files on the robots—and any innocent humans still in the building. But Kira cannot leave her family in danger.

 

When Kira unexpectedly survives the explosion, she comes face to face with her reality as a murderer, but no matter what she sacrificed, her family, and the rest of the robots are safe.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#2 W.P.

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Posted 22 May 2018 - 02:10 AM

Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android isn’t fun, it sucks.  ((this reads like a query,  rather than a synopsis. Keeping a "voice" in the synopsis is a good way to ensure those who read it are engaged, however, you can add voice in the "standard synopsis format". Also, what you're saying here is easily understood in the next sentence, which is way more specific, engaging and synopsis-like. My advice is starting here --> )) KIRA GARCIA, the first and only android ever ((implied)), built at the turn of the 21st century, doesn’t get cool robots powers. All she has is a human family who loves her but is ordered ((has orders?)) to kill her the moment ((I suggest avoiding italics. It's a way to emphasise the important parts but readers know what is important and how to read things. Especially agents. You've already used it twice in this paragraph. But I don't think I've seen italics used in synopsises before)) she develops sentience. Which, unfortunately, was years ago.

 

When her creator—or creators, it’s not like Kira knows anything about them—decide it’s finally time to decommission her, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape.

 

But she’s too late. In the middle of persuading her family, her creators attack—and her brother’s throat is slit. The man responsible? He was hired by someone called HECTOR. With any chance of escaping in secret dashed,  ((I think the paragraph would work better without this. It's not like she seeks revenge because she can't escape, she seeks revenge because her brother was murdered. Since we know why she seeks revenge, that part isn't necessary.)) Kira turns to her new plan: get revenge on her creators and kill Hector

 

That’s when things get weird.((this is telling what you show right after)) A girl named LAUREN shows up claiming that Kira is a character in a book, a book where she’s murdered. But here’s Lauren, ready to save Kira from her ending! Not a chance. Either Kira’s going to save herself, or she’s not worth saving.  ((sounds very extreme. She'd rather die than get help? that's weird. we might need further clarification)) However, just as Kira and Lauren start to plan, Kira’s creators kidnap her, imprisoning her in a compound with the other robots. That’s right, other robots. ((not sure it's needed)) And taking the time to save them, might mean missing her one shot at revenge.

 

And then, Kira finds it: the perfect weapon. Hidden away and imprisoned in the compound, is some sort of failed experiment, a giant metal tree that shoots lightning. Despite the other robots warning her that the tree is dangerous, Kira can see no other solution. This is exactly what she needs to kill Hector and her creators—as soon as she figures out who they are.

 

To further complicate matters, Lauren breaks into the compound to rescue Kira, before Kira has had a chance for revenge. Running isn’t an option, Kira tells Lauren, especially when the other robots are in danger. No, Kira convinces Lauren to give her another week to find all the files on the robots and destroy them. Only, Kira isn’t really looking for the files but for Hector.

 

When the deadline finally arrives, Kira is no closer to figuring out who Hector is, but it doesn’t matter. As Lauren evacuates the other robots, Kira heads to the weapon—the lightning tree.  ((just a random thought, but for some reason all Kiras I read about are looking to murder someone))

 

Except, the lightning tree isn’t a weapon at all, it’s a sentient being just like Kira, only this one is definitely ((no need to italicise)) not going to help her. The tree is none other than Hector, one of her creators, determined to create robots so he can take over their bodies. And as long as Hector is alive, none of the robots are safe.

 

Kira has no other choice. To protect her family and the robots she must blow up the building— herself included—destroying Hector ((how can she be sure he's in there?? she's sounding very extremist and irrational)) and all the files on the robots—and any innocent humans still in the building. But Kira cannot leave her family in danger.

 

When Kira unexpectedly survives the explosion, she comes face to face with her reality as a murderer, but no matter what she sacrificed, her family, and the rest of the robots are safe. ((What are the consequences? isn't she arrested for murder? or does her family know what she did and see her as a cold blooded killer? or is it a "happily ever after?" does she go back to her normal life?))

 

 

 

 

thanks so much for your awesome critique! :) I'm here to return the favour. 

The synopsis is very clear and easy to follow. There were some parts that read like a query, but it's not a big deal. I also advise not italicising so much: it sounds like you're teaching us how to read your writing. xD But your writing is super clear and has enough voice that you don't need the italics. :) 

I hope this has been helpful.  :) Good luck



#3 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 22 May 2018 - 08:35 AM

Since I encouraged you to put up a synopsis, it only seems fair that I critique it for you :)

So, here is my first draft synopsis, I'll definitely try to return the favour with critique, even if I'm not super sure how the format of these is supposed to go.

ANWAY, DRAFT #1

 

Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android isn’t fun, it sucks. Since this is already the start of your query, I would just start this on the next sentence. KIRA GARCIA, the first and only android ever, built at the turn of the 21st century, doesn’t get cool robots powers. All she has is a human family who loves her but is ordered to kill her the moment I wouldn't use so many italics together she develops sentience. Which, unfortunately, was years ago. So why didn't they kill her years ago?

 

When her creator—or creators, it’s not like Kira knows anything about them—decide it’s finally time to decommission her because after years, they finally realized she was sentient?, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape.

 

But she’s too late. In the middle of persuading her family, her creators attack—and her brother’s throat is slit. The man responsible? He was hired by someone called HECTOR. With any chance of escaping in secret dashed slightly awkward wording, Kira turns to her new plan: get revenge on her creators and kill Hector.

 

That’s when things get weird. Show, don't tell. A girl named LAUREN shows up claiming that Kira is a character in a book, a book where she’s murdered. But here’s Lauren, ready to save Kira from her ending! Not a chance. Either Kira’s going to save herself, or she’s not worth saving. However, just as Kira and Lauren start to plan the way the last sentence was worded, it sounded like Kira didn't want Lauren's help at all and now they're planning things together, Kira’s creators kidnap her, imprisoning her in a compound with the other robots.Robots, as in androids like her? Or just "robots?" That’s right, other robots.While keeping the voice of the story in is good, I'm not sure if this line is necessary And taking the time to save them, might mean missing her one shot at revenge.

 

And then, Kira finds it: the perfect weapon. Hidden away and imprisoned in the compound, is some sort offailed experiment, a giant metal tree that shoots lightning. Despite the other robots warning her that the tree is dangerous, Kira can see no other solution. This is exactly what she needs to kill Hector and her creators—as soon as she figures out who they are.

 

To further complicate matters, Lauren breaks into the compound to rescue Kira is it ever explained HOW Lauren travelled into the book? Because I am more curious to learn about that about that than anything else, before Kira has had a chance for revenge. Running isn’t an option, Kira tells Lauren, especially when the other robots are in danger. No, Kira convinces Lauren to give her another week to find all the files on the robots and destroy them the way this is worded is vague and I'm not sure if you mean destroy the files or destroy the robots, although I'm betting on the former. Only, Kira isn’t really looking for the files but for Hector.

 

When the deadline finally arrives, Kira is no closer to figuring out who Hector is, but it doesn’t matter. As Lauren evacuates the other robots, Kira heads to the weapon—the lightning tree.

 

Except, the lightning tree isn’t a weapon at all, it’s a sentient being just like Kira, only this one is definitely not going to help her. The tree is none other than Hector all of this could be streamlined "It's a sentient being, none other than Hector" or something, one of her creators, determined to create robots so he can take over their bodies. And as long as Hector is alive, none of the robots are safe.

 

Kira has no other choice. To protect her family why does her family need protecting if they're human? and the robots she must blow up the building— herself included—destroying Hector and all the files on the robots—and any innocent humans still in the building. But Kira cannot leave her family in danger.

 

When Kira unexpectedly survives the explosion, she comes face to face with her reality as a murderer, but no matter what she sacrificed, her family, and the rest of the robots are safe. What happened to Lauren?

 

This was easy to follow. I had some questions, mainly about HOW Lauren gets into a book and what happens to her at the end. I think it's great that you manged to keep the voice of the story in here, but it did weigh down the pacing at times.  And I would hold off on the italics in the synopsis.



#4 galaxyspinner

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Posted 23 May 2018 - 11:54 AM

Sci-Fi (Go with "Sci-fi"; no reason to capitalize the second syllable) lied. Being a teen android isn’t fun, it sucks. (I'm a little baffled by this, as it doesn't strike me as a common sci-fi trope that being a teen android is supposed to be awesome) KIRA GARCIA, the first and only android ever (a little wordy; I'd axe "only", since it implies that there will never again be another android, which is an odd claim to make at this point), built at the turn of the 21st century, doesn’t get cool robots powers. All she has is a human family who loves her but is ordered to kill her the moment she develops sentience. Which, unfortunately, was years ago. (An intriguing point; I'm wondering if this means that she's concealed her sentience, or if they're simply complicit in concealing it)

 

When her creator—or creators, it’s not like Kira knows anything about them—decide it’s finally time to decommission her, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape.

 

But she’s too late. In the middle of persuading her family, her creators attack—and her brother’s throat is slit. The man responsible? (Not wild about this punctuation; the liberal use of dashes and the unnecessary question mark feel a bit too informal) He was hired by someone called HECTOR. With any chance of escaping in secret dashed, Kira turns to her new plan: get revenge on her creators and kill Hector.

 

That’s when things get weird. A girl named LAUREN shows up claiming that Kira is a character in a book, a book where she’s murdered. But here’s Lauren, ready to save Kira from her ending! (Niz the exclamation point) Not a chance. (Wait, what?) Either Kira’s going to save herself, or she’s not worth saving. However, just as Kira and Lauren (So, Lauren is going to help after all? My first thought was that it was Lauren who had the "not a chance" attitude) start to plan, Kira’s creators kidnap her, imprisoning her in a compound with the other robots. (This is why she should not be described as the only android ever) That’s right, other robots. (Too conversational) And taking the time to save them, (no comma) might mean missing her one shot at revenge.

 

And then, Kira finds it: the perfect weapon. Hidden away and imprisoned in the compound, (no comma) is some sort of failed experiment, a giant metal tree that shoots lightning. Despite the other robots warning her that the tree is dangerous, Kira can see no other solution. This is exactly what she needs to kill Hector and her creators—as soon as she figures out who they are.

 

To further complicate matters, Lauren breaks into the compound to rescue Kira, before Kira has had a chance for revenge. Running isn’t an option, Kira tells Lauren, especially when the other robots are in danger. No, Kira convinces Lauren to give her another week to find all the files on the robots and destroy them. Only, (no comma) Kira isn’t really looking for the files but for Hector.

 

When the deadline finally arrives, Kira is no closer to figuring out who Hector is, but it doesn’t matter (leave this last point out; we'll find out why it doesn't matter soon enough, and it's just unsatisfying to be told this at this juncture). As Lauren evacuates the other robots, Kira heads to the weapon—the lightning tree.

 

Except, (no comma) the lightning tree isn’t a weapon at all, it’s a sentient being just like Kira, only this one is definitely not going to help her. The tree is none other than Hector, one of her creators, determined to create robots so he can take over their bodies. And as long as Hector is alive, none of the robots are safe.

 

Kira has no other choice. To protect her family and the robots she must blow up the building— herself included—destroying Hector and all the files on the robots—and any innocent humans still in the building. But Kira cannot leave her family in danger.

 

When Kira unexpectedly survives the explosion, she comes face to face with her reality as a murderer, (new sentence) but no matter what she sacrificed, her family, and the rest of the robots are safe.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#5 TheBest

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Posted 02 June 2018 - 11:58 PM

Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android isn’t fun, it sucks. KIRA GARCIA, the first and only android ever, built at the turn of the 21st century, doesn’t get cool robots powers. All she has is a human family who loves her but is ordered to kill her the moment she develops sentience. Which, unfortunately, was years ago. (AMAZING Intro. Love the voice, and the clear stakes. It reads better than a query.)

 

When her creator—or creators, it’s not like Kira knows anything about them (Strong voice!)—decide it’s finally time to decommission her, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape.

 

But she’s too late. In the middle of persuading her family, her creators attack—and slit her brother's throat her brother’s throat is slit. The man responsible? He was hired by someone called HECTOR. With any chance hope of escaping in secret (In secret is awkward here) dashed, Kira turns to her new plan: get revenge on her creators and kill Hector. (You've created fantastic tension, which is really rare for a summary. So far, so good.)

 

That’s when things get weird. A girl named LAUREN shows up claiming that Kira is a character in a book, a book where she’s murdered. But here’s Lauren, ready to save Kira from her ending! Not a chance. Either Kira’s going to save herself, or she’s not worth saving. However, just as Kira and Lauren start to plan, Kira’s creators kidnap her, imprisoning her in a compound with the other robots. That’s right, other robots. [Insert sentence about why Kira feels compelled to save them] And taking the time to save them, might mean missing her one shot at revenge.

 

And then, Kira finds it: the perfect weapon. Hidden away and imprisoned in the compound, is some sort of failed experiment, a giant metal tree that shoots lightning. Despite the other robots warning her that the tree is dangerous, Kira can see no other solution. This is exactly what she needs to kill Hector and her creators—as soon as she figures out who they are. (Your voice is still fantastic, and everything is still well paced. Just elaborate a tiny bit more on Kira's feelings toward other robots.)

 

To further complicate matters (Awkward), Lauren breaks into the compound to rescue Kira, before Kira has had a chance (You use chance too often. Say shot, or something else here) for revenge. Running isn’t an option, Kira tells Lauren, especially when the other robots are in danger. No, Kira convinces Lauren to give her another week to find all the files on the robots and destroy them. Only, Kira isn’t really looking for the files but for Hector.

 

When the deadline finally arrives, Kira is no closer to figuring out who Hector is, but it doesn’t matter. (Why doesn't it matter? This sounds really interesting, but is too vague.) As Lauren evacuates the other robots, Kira heads to the weapon—the lightning tree.

 

Except, the lightning tree isn’t a weapon at all, it’s a sentient being just like Kira, only this one is definitely not going to help her. The tree is none other than Hector (GREAT twist), one of her creators, determined to create robots so he can take over their bodies (Flesh out his motivations a little more). And as long as Hector is alive, none of the robots are safe.

 

Kira has no other choice. To protect her family and the robots she must blow up the building— herself included—destroying Hector and all the files on the robots— (To many em dashes) and any innocent humans still in the building. But Kira cannot leave her family in danger.

 

When Kira unexpectedly survives the explosion, she comes face to face with her reality as a murderer, but no matter what she sacrificed, her family, and the rest of the robots are safe. [Insert some sentence about how that makes Kira feel or changed her, OR split the other sentence up and end with he family being safe and WHY that's important to Kira.]

 

Great synopsis! It's definitely one of the best I've read. You injected a really strong voice, which I rarely see done. But it worked! Really well! My only big piece of advice is to make sure you flesh out Kira's feelings and internal conflict. I would also make sure you don't overuse certain words, or em dashes. Lastly, read it out loud so you eliminate any awkward words. But honestly those are nit picks. This synopsis is really damn good.

 

My query: http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=357453



#6 ShatteredSmooth

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Posted 05 June 2018 - 01:35 PM

My comments are green.

So, here is my first draft synopsis, I'll definitely try to return the favour with critique, even if I'm not super sure how the format of these is supposed to go.

ANWAY, DRAFT #1

 

Sci-Fi lied. Being a teen android isn’t fun, it sucks. KIRA GARCIA, the first and only android ever, built at the turn of the 21st century, doesn’t get cool robots powers. Sentence structure made a couple things unclear until I re-read. All she has is a human family who loves her but is ordered to kill her the moment she develops sentience. Which, unfortunately, was years ago.

 

When her creator—or creators, it’s not like Kira knows anything about them—decide it’s finally time to decommission her, Kira’s only hope is to convince her family to help her escape.

 

But she’s too late. In the middle of persuading her family, her creators attack—and her brother’s throat is slit. last phrase is passive voice. The man responsible? He was hired by someone called HECTOR. With any chance of escaping in secret dashed, Kira turns to her new plan: get revenge on her creators and kill Hector.

 

That’s when things get weird. A girl named LAUREN shows up claiming that Kira is a character in a book, a book where she’s murdered. But here’s Lauren, ready to save Kira from her ending! Not a chance. Either Kira’s going to save herself, or she’s not worth saving.a little confused However, just as Kira and Lauren start to plan, Kira’s creators kidnap her, imprisoning her in a compound with the other robots. That’s right, other robots. And taking the time to save them, might mean missing her one shot at revenge.

 

And then, Kira finds it: the perfect weapon. Hidden away and imprisoned in the compound, is some sort of failed experiment, a giant metal tree that shoots lightning. Despite the other robots warning her that the tree is dangerous, Kira can see no other solution. burying the action by trying to build suspense. OK for the query, but distracting in a synopsis. This is exactly what she needs to kill Hector and her creators—as soon as she figures out who they are.

 

To further complicate matters, Lauren breaks into the compound to rescue Kira, before Kira has had a chance for revenge. Running isn’t an option, Kira tells Lauren, especially when the other robots are in danger. No, Kira convinces Lauren to give her another week to find all the files on the robots and destroy them. Only, Kira isn’t really looking for the files but for Hector.

 

When the deadline finally arrives, Kira is no closer to figuring out who Hector is, but it doesn’t matter. As Lauren evacuates the other robots, Kira heads to the weapon—the lightning tree.

 

Except, the lightning tree isn’t a weapon at all, it’s a sentient being just like Kira, only this one is definitely not going to help her. The tree is none other than Hector, one of her creators, determined to create robots so he can take over their bodies. And as long as Hector is alive, none of the robots are safe.

 

Kira has no other choice. To protect her family and the robots she must blow up the building— herself included—destroying Hector and all the files on the robots—and any innocent humans still in the building. But Kira cannot leave her family in danger.

 

When Kira unexpectedly survives the explosion, she comes face to face with her reality as a murderer, but no matter what she sacrificed, her family, and the rest of the robots are safe.

 

I like the voice in it. That is really hard to do in a synopsis. There were a couple little grammar things and a few places where you might want to play with the sentence structure -- I think I commented on them above. My one big picture concern is that you have a little too much dramatic language trying to build suspense at the expense of character development. 

 

One question: if she is a robot, and had an order to kill her family, then how did she override it?







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