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#1 cmmg

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Posted 30 May 2018 - 06:42 PM

I wanted to know which of these sort of worked and which elements in them worked (I feel like these all feel the same is except in wording):

 

1)Robot or not, Kira Garcia can’t let the attack on her brother go, not when said attack was meant for her, and especially not after she discovers she’s a character in a book.

 

1.5 (that is, does this work better longer?)) Robot or not, Kira Garcia can’t let the attack on her brother go, not when said attack was meant for her, and especially not after she discovers she’s a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. No, Kira will find the man responsible for hurting her family and slit his throat before he slits hers.

 

2) As an android, Kira is used to people dehumanizing her, what she's not used to, is people showing up, claiming they're from a parallel world where she's a character in a book.

 

3)When a robot discovers she’s a character in a book, a book where she’s murdered, she decides that this time she’ll slit her creators’ throats before they slit hers.

 

4) Kira can deal with being a robot but finding out she’s a character in a book is too much, especially with her brother’s attacker still out hunting her.

 

5) Kira loves her human family, Kira looks like her human family, but being an android means family is really "family." But their the only ones who can save her from her when her creators order her destruction. Kira must convince the people she's grown up with for years, that her life really is worth as much as theirs.


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synopsis


#2 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 18 July 2018 - 12:06 PM

Here are my suggestions:

 

1)Robot or not, Kira Garcia can’t let the attack on her brother go, not when said attack was meant for her, and especially not after she discovers she’s a character in a book. I like this one! Short and to the point! I prefer it to 1.5 below and I've found in my own personal experience shorter pitches do better.

 

1.5 (that is, does this work better longer?)) Robot or not, Kira Garcia can’t let the attack on her brother go, not when said attack was meant for her, and especially not after she discovers she’s a character in a book. And not a book that ends well. No, Kira will find the man responsible for hurting her family and slit his throat before he slits hers. The middle sentence doesn't give any new info, and in a pitch every word counts.

 

2) As an android, Kira is used to people dehumanizing her. It takes on a new level when a stranger claims they're from a parallel world where she's a character in a book. Could be punchier, see my suggestion.

 

3)When a robot discovers she’s a character in a book, a book where she’s murdered, she decides that this time she’ll slit her creators’ throats before they slit hers. Also strong, punchy, and to the point!

 

4) Kira can deal with being a robot but finding out she’s a character in a book is too much, especially with her brother’s attacker still out hunting her. Punchy, but not as cool as #1 and #3.

 

5) Kira loves her human family, Kira looks like her human family, but being an android means family is really "family." But their the only ones who can save her from her when her creators order her destruction. Kira must convince the people she's grown up with for years, that her life really is worth as much as theirs. I like the idea of having one which doesn't focus on the "book" aspect, but this one is a bit long. I think you should take #1 and cut the "book" aspect of that instead, adding in that Kira is slated for destruction, to be your non-book pitch.

 

Hope I've helped! A link to my hook is below.






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