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Earth Reclaimed (YA Fantasy) (Will return Critique) REVISION IN 5


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#1 ShatteredSmooth

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Posted 05 June 2018 - 01:27 PM

I hate writing synopsis. I'm worried this one is a little too long (882 words), but I'm not sure what to cut.  Any feedback is appreciated. I will return the favor.

 

REVISION IS POST 5

 

17-year-old SEREN MCINTYRE is heir to ASSANA MCINTYRE, the ruler of a sovereign territory called Valley-Port and an ambassador between the sentient planet, MOTHER EARTH, and humanity. Both Seren and Assana possess a strong connection to Mother Earth and Her elemental children, which allows them to manipulate the elements. However, that connection works two ways. Every time a mage like Seren uses magic, they risk being controlled by an elemental or Mother Earth Herself.

 

Dozens of small territories, including Valley-Port, decide to band together as one nation, the Newly Unified North Eastern State’s (NUNES) but growing difference between territories create the potential for war, something which could lead Mother Earth to rid Herself of the remaining humans.

 

 Since local elemental spirits won’t allow Assana to leave Valley-Port, and the convention is being hosted 60 miles north by TREE-STRONG, a mage whose power rivals Assana’s, Seren, who often avoid using magic because they fear the elementals, embarks to represent Valley- accompanied two peacekeepers, DAVID and REGGIE STRONGBOW. After a day of travels, they arrive in Little Port, a town on the North Eastern border of Valley-Port. Seren meets up with their boyfriend, ERIK, who tells them about a group of strangers, Altzis, causing trouble in town with their bigoted attitudes.

 

A storm blows up when Seren leaves Valley-Port, but the ocean spirit is one of the few elementals Seren trusts, so they draw power from her to get through the storm. They make it to Port’s Mouth just before nightfall but are run aground by a solar barge. Seren pulls their boat out of the water to repair the damage, but can’t find a part they need. Seren makes a bargain with a local smith: retrieve a machine trapped in the GREAT SALT MARSH and he’ll make the missing part.

 

When Seren returns to Port’s Mouth with the machine, they’re attacked by Altzis who are trying to stop them from getting to NUNES. David and Reggie try to fight them off, but they are outnumbered ten to one. Seren draws power from a river elemental, PISCATAQUA, who takes over Seren’s body. Piscataqua uses Seren to threaten the fighting humans with a tsunami. The Altzis drop their weapons and flee. Seren wrestles their will away from the river and lowers the giant wave.

 

Seren, David, and Reggie travel through a hostile forest to Great Bay where they encounter a fog that the bay’s elemental claims the is a product of a machine. If Seren doesn’t destroy, he will use them to sink the ship and flood all the human towns on his shores. Seren locates a solar skiff and asks the scientist on board to turn off their machine, but they refuse. They are lying in wait for a boat full of Altzis who stole weapons and bullet proof vests, and do not believe that bays can talk. Reggie and David boars the skiff, destroy the machine and disable the engines so the stunned scientists cannot retaliate.

 

After a brief stop in a hostile town, Seren and the twins camp on a riverbank. Local elementals snatch Seren’s spirit from their body and put it in a bird circling an Altzi ship. They discover Erik is held captive on board while the Altzis interrogate him about Valley-Port’s elementals and their ability to defend the territory against invaders.

 

The elementals just want Seren to sink the ship and kill everyone on it, but Seren manages to hold them off long enough, using their might as a diversion, for David and Reggie to sneak on board and rescue Erik. Before unleashing the wrath of rivers and winds on the ship, Seren convinces the elementals to spare the children on board.

 

The group makes it to Merry Basin where the NUNES convention is held without further incidents, but their troubles are far from over. The delegates, a mix of mages like Seren, Altzis, scientist, and village leaders who lack magic, cannot agree on anything. The elementals Tree-Strong draws power from try leading Seren secret parts of his home, but every time they get close, Tree-Strong’s wards override the elementals and nearly get Seren killed.

 

The elementals and Mother Earth grow weary of the human squabbling. When disagreements lead to violence, Earth threatens to drown all the people of NUNES if they can’t keep the peace. A storm blows up. The more people fight, the stronger it gets. Waters rises when a man tries to blow up the pier where most NUNES delegates have docked their boats.

 

The man appears to be an Altzi, but Seren discovers Tree-Strong used magic bypass his free will and force him to deliver the explosive. Mother Earth uses Seren to give the humans an ultimatum: come to a peaceful agreement by dawn or die.

 

After bypassing Tree-Strong’s security and finding evidence that he engineered Altzi movement, Seren imprisons him and moderates the final discussion. The delegates vote to approve the constitution.

 

As the sun rises and the waters reach the door of the hall they are in. The waters recede, and a rainbow stretches across the land, a sign The Mother approves of the outcome. Seren returns home no longer afraid of their power and more confident in their ability to one day fill Assana’s shoes as an Ambassador between Earth and humanity.

 



#2 galaxyspinner

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Posted 05 June 2018 - 06:01 PM

Thanks for your feedback; I'm here to return the favor.

 

My biggest criticism is that you've got a lot of very long sentences, and this is difficult to read. The problem is compounded by the fact that your protagonist seems to be some kind of sexless entity, which provides for some pretty nightmarish syntax. Consider breaking these sentences up a bit.

 

You mentioned concerns about the synopsis being too long; I believe that 800 words is generally considered okay, but you could probably benefit from some trimming anyway. There is a lot of description of events here, which are probably interesting in the context of the story, but feel just like a list of things that happened when stripped of all of their pathos. Consider the following, for example:

 

"After a brief stop in a hostile town, Seren and the twins camp on a riverbank. Local elementals snatch Seren’s spirit from their body and put it in a bird circling an Altzi ship. They discover Erik is held captive on board while the Altzis interrogate him about Valley-Port’s elementals and their ability to defend the territory against invaders.

 

The elementals just want Seren to sink the ship and kill everyone on it, but Seren manages to hold them off long enough, using their might as a diversion, for David and Reggie to sneak on board and rescue Erik. Before unleashing the wrath of rivers and winds on the ship, Seren convinces the elementals to spare the children on board."

 

There is a lot of information here that we do not benefit from. The whole thing can be re-written as "Seren has to struggle against the will of hostile elementals to rescue Erik from an Altzi ship." You probably don't want to say that exactly, of course, but anything that can't be infused with some significance should at least be trimmed down. Just ask yourself: What is interesting or important in these events that is going to encourage the reader to read the whole book?"

 

One small grammatical point: You're an "heir to" a thing, like a throne or a fortune, but you're an "heir of" a person.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#3 punitrastogi

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 04:49 AM

I hate writing synopsis. I'm worried this one is a little too long (882 words), but I'm not sure what to cut.  Any feedback is appreciated. I will return the favor.

 

(Since it is a synopsis, you can break the flow of your book and instead start with a little bit of world building. Like - "The spirit of the planet Earth - the MOTHER EARTH was fed up of the human conflict and gave them a last chance. That is when they decide to come with classification of the livable space into smaller territories." Or something like that.) 17-year-old SEREN MCINTYRE is heir to ASSANA MCINTYRE, the ruler of a sovereign territory called Valley-Port and an ambassador between the sentient planet, MOTHER EARTH, and humanity. Both Seren and Assana possess a strong connection to Mother Earth and Her elemental children, which allows them to manipulate the elements. However, that connection works two ways. Every time a mage like Seren uses magic, they risk being controlled by an elemental or Mother Earth Herself.

 

Growing differences between territories create the potential for a war, something which could lead Mother Earth to rid Herself of the remaining humans. So, Dozens of small territories, including Valley-Port, decide to band together as one nation at the inaugural Newly Unified North Eastern State’s (NUNES) convention (Period) but growing differences between territories create the potential for a war, something which could lead Mother Earth to rid Herself of the remaining humans.

 

the convention is being hosted 60 miles north at Merry Basin by TREE-STRONG, a mage whose power rivals Assana’s. Since local elemental spirits won’t allow Assana to leave Valley-Port, and the convention is being hosted 60 miles north by TREE-STRONG, a mage whose power rivals Assana’s, Seren, who often avoid using magic because they fear the elementals,  embarks to represent Valley- accompanied by two peacekeepers twins, DAVID and REGGIE STRONGBOW. After a day of travels, they arrive in Little Port, a town on the North Eastern border of Valley-Port. where Seren meets up with their boyfriend, ERIK(period) who He (Since you said 'boy'-friend, I took the liberty to make Erik a 'he) tells them about a group of strangers, Altzis, a group of strangers causing trouble in town with their bigoted attitudes. (This sounded to me like Erik wants Seren to handle the Altzis. But on reading further, it turned out to be an information/warning. You might want to reconsider that.)

 

A storm blows up when Seren leaves Valley-Port(Does this happen before or after Seren reaches Little-port? Or is this a typo?), but the ocean spirit is one of the few elementals Seren trusts, so they draw power from her to get through the storm. They make it to Port’s Mouth just before nightfall but are run aground by a solar barge(I did not know what a 'solar barge' is. When I googled it, it turned out to be a ship of the Sun God. That brings the question that - who or what was/were controlling the ship?). Seren pulls their boat out of the water to repair the damage, but can’t find a part they need. Seren makes a bargain with a local smith: retrieve a machine trapped in the GREAT SALT MARSH and he’ll make the missing part.

 

When Seren returns to Port’s Mouth with the machine, they’re attacked by Altzis who are trying to stop them from getting to NUNES. David and Reggie try to fight them off, but they are outnumbered ten to one. A desparate Seren overcomes their fear of the elementals to draw power from a river elemental(So you have two elementals - ocean and river - for the same element - liquid water?), PISCATAQUA, who takes over Seren’s body. Piscataqua uses Seren to scare threaten the fighting humans with a tsunami, making The Altzis drop their weapons and flee. Seren wrestles their will away from the river and lowers the giant wave.

 

Seren, David, and Reggie travel through a hostile forest to Great Bay where they encounter a fog that the bay’s elemental claims the is a product of a machine. If Seren doesn’t destroy, he will use them to sink the ship and flood all the human towns on his shores. Seren locates a solar skiff and asks the scientist on board to turn off their machine, but they refuse. They are lying in wait for a boat full of Altzis who stole weapons and bullet proof vests, and do not believe that bays can talk. Reggie and David boars the skiff, destroy the machine and disable the engines so the stunned scientists cannot retaliate. (I dont think this is adding any value to the story, except for being another adventure Seren experiences before facing off with the Altzis)

 

After a brief stop in a hostile town, Seren and the twins camp on a riverbank. Local elementals snatch Seren’s spirit from their body and put it in a bird circling an Altzi ship. They discover Erik is held captive on board while the Altzis interrogate him about Valley-Port’s the elementals defending Valley-Port. and their ability to defend the territory against invaders.

 

The elementals just want Seren to sink the ship and kill everyone on it (period) But Seren manages to hold them (who? Elementals or Altzis?) off long enough, using their might as a diversion, for David and Reggie to sneak on board and rescue Erik. Before unleashing the wrath of rivers and winds on the ship, Seren convinces the elementals to spare the children on board. (There are a lot of pronouns here and it makes the narrative a bit confusing.)

 

The group makes it to Merry Basin where the NUNES convention is held without further incidents, but their troubles are far from over. The delegates, a mix of mages like Seren, Altzis, scientist, and village leaders who lack magic, cannot agree on anything. The elementals Tree-Strong draws power from try leading Seren secret parts of his home (I am srry but there's massive confusion here on what are you trying to say), but every time they get close, Tree-Strong’s wards override the elementals and nearly get Seren killed. (Does this sentence actually add value? Is Seren falling for Tree-Strong?)

 

The elementals and Mother Earth grow weary of the human squabbling. When disagreements lead to violence, she uses Seren to give the humans an ultimatum: come to a peaceful agreement by dawn or die. Earth threatens to drown all the people of NUNES if they can’t keep the peace. A storm blows up. The more people fight, the stronger it gets. Waters rises It becomes lethal when a man tries to blow up the pier where most NUNES delegates have docked their boats.

 

The man appears to be an Altzi, but Seren discovers Tree-Strong used magic to bypass his free will and force him to deliver the explosive. Mother Earth uses Seren to give the humans an ultimatum: come to a peaceful agreement by dawn or die.

 

After bypassing Tree-Strong’s security and finding evidence that he engineered Altzi movement(Why? His motivations would complete the character arc.), Seren imprisons him and moderates the final discussion. The delegates vote to approve the constitution.

 

As the sun rises and the waters reach the door of the hall they are in. The waters recede, and a rainbow stretches across the land -- a sign that The Mother approves of the outcome. Seren returns home no longer afraid of their power and more confident in their ability to one day fill Assana’s shoes as an Ambassador between Earth and humanity.

 

Hope it helps. :)

 

Please have a look at my synopsis too.



#4 ShatteredSmooth

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 11:41 AM

That was very helpful! I will read yours soon. Just to answer one question:

 

(I did not know what a 'solar barge' is. When I googled it, it turned out to be a ship of the Sun God. That brings the question that - who or what was/were controlling the ship?

 

No -- it is just literally a barge made out of / powered by solar panels. I'll change to solar-powered barge. There is a but of conflict between science and magic in this world, but its a struggle to fit all the world building into the synopsis. 



#5 ShatteredSmooth

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Posted 06 June 2018 - 12:04 PM

Here is the revised version:

 

Nearly killed by nuclear war, the sentient spirit of planet earth, know to many as MOTHER EARTH, floods the planet, culling the human population. Scattered across the livable land in independent territories, the humans have one last chance to prove their worth to the planet. Most technology has been replaced with magic, but a handful of people cling to science, surviving with solar technology and genetic modification.

 

17-year-old SEREN MCINTYRE is heir of ASSANA MCINTYRE, the ruler of a sovereign territory called Valley-Port and an ambassador between Mother Earth and humanity. Their connection to the planet allows them to manipulate the elements. However, that connection works two ways. Every time a mage like Seren uses magic, they risk being controlled by an elemental spirit or Mother Earth Herself.

 

Growing differences between territories create the potential for a war, something that could lead Mother Earth to rid Herself of the remaining humans. Therefore, dozens of small territories, including Valley-Port, decide to band together as one nation at the inaugural Newly Unified North Eastern State’s (NUNES) convention.

 

The convention is being hosted 60 miles north at Merry Basin by TREE-STRONG, a mage whose power rivals Assana’s. Since local elemental spirits won’t allow Assana to leave Valley-Port, Seren embarks to represent Valley- accompanied by peacekeeper twins, DAVID and REGGIE. After a day of travels, they arrive in Little Port where Seren meets up with their boyfriend, ERIK. He warns them about Altzis, a group of bigoted strangers loitering in Little Port on their way to NUNES.

 

A storm blows up when Seren leaves Little Port, but the ocean spirit is one of the few elementals Seren trusts, so they draw power from her to get through the storm. They make it to Port’s Mouth just before nightfall but are run aground by a sola-powered barge piloted by scientist who fear mages. Seren pulls their boat out of the water to repair the damage, but can’t find a part they need. Seren makes a bargain with a local smith: retrieve a machine trapped in the GREAT SALT MARSH and he’ll make the missing part.

 

When Seren returns to Port’s Mouth with the machine, they’re attacked by Altzis. David and Reggie try to fight them off, but are outnumbered. A desperate Seren overcomes their fear of the elementals to draw power from an unknown river spirit, PISCATAQUA, who takes over Seren’s body. Piscataqua uses Seren to scare the fighting humans with a tsunami, making The Altzis drop their weapons and flee.

 

After a brief stop in a hostile town, Seren and the twins camp on a riverbank. Local elementals snatch Seren’s spirit from their body and put it in a bird circling an Altzi ship. They discover Erik is held captive on board while the Altzis interrogate him about the elementals defending Valley-Port.

 

The elementals just want Seren to sink the ship and kill everyone on it.  Seren manages to hold the Altzis and raging elementals off long enough for David and Reggie to sneak on board and rescue Erik.

 

The group makes it to Merry Basin without further incidents, but their troubles are far from over. The delegates, a mix of mages like Seren, Altzis, scientist, and village leaders who lack magic, cannot agree on anything. And Tree-Strong turns out to be so bad at moderating that Seren fears he is trying to cause a war.

 

With the help of impish elementals Seren snoops around Tree-Strong’s home, but every time they get close to his office, his security systems nearly kill Seren.

 

The elementals and Mother Earth grow weary of the human squabbling. When disagreements lead to violence, She uses Seren to give the humans an ultimatum: come to a peaceful agreement by dawn or die. A storm blows up. The more people fight, the stronger it gets.  It becomes lethal when a man tries to blow up the pier where most NUNES delegates have docked their boats.

 

The man appears to be an Altzi, but Seren discovers Tree-Strong used magic to force him to deliver the explosive.

 

Seren finally bypasses Tree-Strong’s security and finding evidence that he engineered Altzi movement in hopes that by scarring people and saving them, they would accept him as their ruler, making NUNES an empire instead of a republic.  

 

Seren imprisons him and moderates the final discussion. The delegates vote to approve the constitution.

 

As the sun rises, waters recede, and a rainbow stretches across the land -- a sign that The Mother approves of the outcome. Seren returns home no longer afraid of their power and more confident in their ability to one day fill Assana’s shoes as an Ambassador between Earth and humanity.



#6 cmmg

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Posted 07 June 2018 - 07:58 PM

Here is the revised version:

 

Nearly killed by nuclear war, the sentient spirit of planet earth, know to many as MOTHER EARTH, floods the planet, culling the human population. Scattered across the livable land in independent territories, the humans have one last chance to prove their worth to the planet. Most technology has been replaced with magic, but a handful of people cling to science, surviving with solar technology and genetic modification. (This is just exposition, and it feels like a prologue, like the thing you'd see in the before credits of Star Wars, especially the last bit. I know it's to set the stage, but I think, in a synopsis, straight up exposition isn't going to go over too well.)

 

17-year-old SEREN MCINTYRE is heir of ASSANA MCINTYRE(these two names are too close together especially because you just have the territory Vally-POrt after), the ruler of a sovereign territory, called Valley-Port, and an ambassador between Mother Earth and humanity (I don't like that this sentences focuses so much on the mom and not Seren, since I don't know anything about them. I'd rephrase to have the focus on Seren "heir to a terrority Valley-Port, and child of [one of the last?] ambassador between Mother Earth and humanity, 12-year-old Seren is [some description]" because right not I feel like Seren is buried under the shade of their mom, which is meta, but not great for the synopsis). Their connection to the planet allows them to manipulate the elements(this isn't related to the previous sentence of them being heir, and it doesn't flow well). However, that connection works two ways. Every time a mage like Seren uses magic, they risk being controlled by an elemental spirit or Mother Earth Herself.

 

Growing differences between territories create the potential for a war, something that could lead Mother Earth to rid Herself of the remaining humans (This doesn't feel related to the above paragraph at all. It's completely new. This isn't developing.). Therefore, dozens of small territories, including Valley-Port, decide to band together as one nation at the inaugural Newly Unified North Eastern State’s (NUNES) convention.(Honestly I would cut all of the above paragraphs and start with "Growing differences between territories are plunging them onto the brink of a magical war, especially as the spirit of a post-nuclear MOTHER EARTH tries to rid Herself of the remaining humans. Desperate to undo the damage, 17-year old SEREN MCINTYRE'S mother is leading talks to broker a peace treaty." I mean okay not that exactly but something that start with the treaty, since that's the first real conflict, and implies the background about magic, Valley-Port and Mother Earth because this is the first real action so far.)

 

The convention is being hosted 60 miles north at Merry Basin by TREE-STRONG, a mage whose power rivals Assana’s. Since local elemental spirits won’t allow Assana to leave Valley-Port, Seren embarks to represent Valley (You're burying the interesting part but mentioning a new character hosting the conference in a place I don't care about. It might be suffice to say "But the conference takes place miles away, and local spirits won't allow Assanna to leave..." or something)- accompanied by peacekeeper twins, DAVID and REGGIE. After a day of travels, they arrive in Little Port where Seren meets up with their boyfriend, ERIK. (You have 4 new characters and 2 new place names in 3 sentences. I'd rethink that. Does everything really need a name?) He warns them about Altzis, a group of bigoted strangers called Altzis (I feel like otherwise I assumed Altzis was a person at first) loitering in Little Port on their way to NUNES.

 

A storm blows up (Literal, figurative, why are they leaving? Is this related or unrealted to the bigots?) when Seren leaves Little Port, but the ocean spirit is one of the few elementals Seren trusts, so they draw power from her to get through the storm. They make it to Port’s Mouth just before nightfall but are run aground by a solar-powered barge piloted by scientist who fear mages. Seren pulls their boat out of the water to repair the damage, but can’t find a part they need. Seren makes a bargain with a local smith(WAIT I thought they were on the ocean? Where are they getting this smith, didn't Seren leave Little port): retrieve a machine trapped in the GREAT SALT MARSH and he’ll make the missing part. (This feels like a fetch quest)

 

When Seren returns to Port’s Mouth (I don't remember where this is there are so many place names. What this even mentioned before? Oh it was. But there was another Port. This is too many names to keep track of) with the machine, they’re attacked by Altzis. David and Reggie try to fight them off (Are these guys super needed?), but are outnumbered. A desperate Seren overcomes their fear of the elementals (I didn't know they had a desperate fear since they already used/drew upon an elemental before) to draw power from an unknown river spirit, PISCATAQUA, who takes over Seren’s body. Piscataqua uses Seren to scare the fighting humans with a tsunami, making The Altzis (be consistent. If it's The Altzis then always say that.) drop their weapons and flee.

 

After a brief stop in a hostile town, Seren and the twins camp on a riverbank (This story doesn't feel like it develops it feels like random unrealted things happen. Thy have to go to get something but then their boyfriend warns them, a random storm happens, a smith sends them to get something for no reason, an attack, because?? and now, they're a riverbank, because? I'm really losing what they're after, what the goals are, and how they're moving further or close to them). Local elementals snatch Seren’s spirit from their body and put it in a bird circling an Altzi ship. They (hate to say it, but it's unclear if this mean Seren or the elementals) discover Erik is also held captive on board. And (I feel like there's no room to breath in this sentence, everything is happening. There needs to be a stop while someone absorbs one idea before they move onto the next) while the Altzis interrogate him about the elementals defending Valley-Port.

 

The elementals (this word appears a lot) just want Seren to sink the ship and kill everyone on it.  Seren manages to hold the Altzis and raging elementals off long enough for David and Reggie to sneak on board and rescue Erik.

 

The group makes it to Merry Basin (were all those stops them still on their way to meet the treaty? That was not apparent) without further incidents, but their troubles are far from over. The delegates, a mix of mages like Seren, Altzis (I thought, the way it was phrased above, that Altzis were a new group of radicals, which makes it weird to see them in this setting), scientist, and village leaders who lack magic, cannot agree on anything. And Tree-Strong (the leader. I think it's been long enough to remind the reader who this guy is, and also, his name isn't supper important.) turns out to be so bad at moderating that Seren fears he is trying to cause a war.

 

With the help of impish elementals(I don't think it's super important the elementals help Especially because they seem to have a hand in everything so it feels less like Seren is doing things themself) Seren snoops around Tree-Strong’s home, but every time they get close to his office, his security systems nearly kill Seren.

 

The elementals and Mother Earth grow weary of the human squabbling. When disagreements lead to violence, She uses Seren to give the humans an ultimatum: come to a peaceful agreement by dawn or die. (I like these sentences because they develop) A storm blows up (you used this phrase before and I don't know what it means). The more people fight, the stronger it gets, turning It becomes lethal when a man tries to blow up the pier where most NUNES delegates have docked their boats. (the second sentences doesn't stand well on it's own and I think it's more connected as one sentences)

 

The man appears to be an Altzi, but Seren discovers Tree-Strong used magic to force him to deliver the explosive. (I don't think think these should be seperate paragraphs since they build off one another and the underlined bit after this could be shortened and condensed to something like "Seren figures out that" or "It turns out" or something shorter and less wordy.) Seren finally bypasses Tree-Strong’s security and finding evidence that he engineered Altzi movement in hopes hoping that by scarring people and saving them, they would accept him as their ruler, making NUNES an empire instead of a republic.  

 

Seren imprisons him and moderates the final discussion. The delegates vote to approve the constitution.

 

As the sun rises, waters recede, and a rainbow stretches across the land -- a sign that The Mother approves of the outcome. Seren returns home no longer afraid of their power (I never got a sense that they were afraid of their power) and more confident in their ability to one day fill Assana’s shoes as an Ambassador between Earth and humanity.

 

There are too many characters and too many place names. David and Reggie could be cut, or at least be addressed nameless. Erik could have been "Seren's boyfriend" easily, with no changes except it being easier to read. Tree-Strong too maybe. Their names aren't important. And the connection between these events really needs to be strengthened.

 

Also, it seems like the first 2 acts are all about external/physical conflict with over the water and the second is about interpersonal conflcit and I'm not seeing how these are connected. It seems like there's a bit plot switch (which might make me sound like a hypocrite given my own book, but I tried to keep the motives the same, revenge in the first, revenge in the second), where the stakes and type of story drastically change. II think the underlying thread needs to be clearer. I don't think the fetch quest by the smith adds much and could be cut. In fact, I think there's a lot that could be cut before Seren finds their boyfriend on that ship, lots of those plot points seem like/read as throwaway to me.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#7 ShatteredSmooth

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Posted 07 June 2018 - 10:18 PM

There are too many characters and too many place names. David and Reggie could be cut, or at least be addressed nameless. Erik could have been "Seren's boyfriend" easily, with no changes except it being easier to read. Tree-Strong too maybe. Their names aren't important. And the connection between these events really needs to be strengthened.

 

Also, it seems like the first 2 acts are all about external/physical conflict with over the water and the second is about interpersonal conflcit and I'm not seeing how these are connected. It seems like there's a bit plot switch (which might make me sound like a hypocrite given my own book, but I tried to keep the motives the same, revenge in the first, revenge in the second), where the stakes and type of story drastically change. II think the underlying thread needs to be clearer. I don't think the fetch quest by the smith adds much and could be cut. In fact, I think there's a lot that could be cut before Seren finds their boyfriend on that ship, lots of those plot points seem like/read as throwaway to me.

Hence why I hate synopsises. 

 

The whole internal struggle throughout the book is Seren doesn't want to use magic and they don't want to be their mother's heir. They want to travel and not be bound to anything, but by getting what they think they want (travel) they also are solidifying their position as their mother's heir and on the trip, keep getting in "use magic or die" situations. My take away is I spent too much time setting up and describing actions, and completely neglected the actual conflict. 



#8 cmmg

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Posted 08 June 2018 - 08:34 AM

Hence why I hate synopsises. 

 

The whole internal struggle throughout the book is Seren doesn't want to use magic and they don't want to be their mother's heir. They want to travel and not be bound to anything, but by getting what they think they want (travel) they also are solidifying their position as their mother's heir and on the trip, keep getting in "use magic or die" situations. My take away is I spent too much time setting up and describing actions, and completely neglected the actual conflict. 

I'd stay that's correct.


_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

synopsis


#9 kathleenq

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Posted 30 June 2018 - 01:48 AM

I completely agree with cmmg - there are far too many characters listed. I constantly had to go back and figure out who was who, and even then, it was difficult to follow along. You did spend too much time on setup, but I also think there are just too many concepts described. For instance:

 

Growing differences between territories create the potential for a war, something that could lead Mother Earth to rid Herself of the remaining humans. Therefore, dozens of small territories, including Valley-Port, decide to band together as one nation at the inaugural Newly Unified North Eastern State’s (NUNES) convention.

 

The convention is being hosted 60 miles north at Merry Basin by TREE-STRONG, a mage whose power rivals Assana’s. Since local elemental spirits won’t allow Assana to leave Valley-Port, Seren embarks to represent Valley- accompanied by peacekeeper twins, DAVID and REGGIE. After a day of travels, they arrive in Little Port where Seren meets up with their boyfriend, ERIK. He warns them about Altzis, a group of bigoted strangers loitering in Little Port on their way to NUNES.

 

None of the second paragraph is really necessary here. It could be simplified to just say that Seren was sent to represent Valley at the convention with the twins. Everything else can be explained as you go on. So explain about the Altzis when there's actually a conflict, etc. You try to explain all of your different terms and ideas, which I get as it's fantasy and most of the terms are unknown, but the concepts aren't the story, they just support the story.


Synopsis: Glass Domes


#10 eric balson

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Posted 18 July 2018 - 11:30 AM

Here is the revised version:

 

Nearly killed by nuclear war, the sentient spirit of planet earth, know to many as MOTHER EARTH, floods the planet, culling the human population. Scattered across the livable land in independent territories, the humans have one last chance to prove their worth to the planet. Most technology has been replaced with magic, but a handful of people cling to science, surviving with solar technology and genetic modification.

 

17-year-old SEREN MCINTYRE is heir of ASSANA MCINTYRE, the ruler of a sovereign territory called Valley-Port and an ambassador between Mother Earth and humanity. Their connection to the planet allows them to manipulate the elements. However, that connection works two ways. Every time a mage like Seren uses magic, they risk being controlled by an elemental spirit or Mother Earth Herself.

 

Growing differences between territories create the potential for a war, something that could lead Mother Earth to rid Herself of the remaining humans. Therefore, dozens of small territories, including Valley-Port, decide to band together as one nation at the inaugural Newly Unified North Eastern State’s (NUNES) convention.

 

The convention is being hosted 60 miles north at Merry Basin by TREE-STRONG, a mage whose power rivals Assana’s. Since local elemental spirits won’t allow Assana to leave Valley-Port, Seren embarks to represent Valley- accompanied by peacekeeper twins, DAVID and REGGIE. These seem like minor characters to me. I think you can do without them.After a day of travels, they arrive in Little Port where Seren meets up with their her boyfriend, ERIK. He warns them about Altzis, a group of bigoted strangers loitering in Little Port on their way to NUNES.

 

A storm blows up when Seren leaves Little Port, but the ocean spirit is one of the few elementals Seren trusts, so they draw power from her to get through the storm. They make it to Port’s Mouth just before nightfall but are run aground by a solar-powered barge piloted by scientist who fear mages. Seren pulls their boat out of the water to repair the damage, but can’t find a part they need. Seren makes a bargain with a local smith: retrieve a machine trapped in the GREAT SALT MARSH and he’ll make the missing part.

 

When Seren returns to Port’s Mouth with the machine, they’re attacked by Altzis. David and Reggie try to fight them off, but are outnumbered. A desperate Seren overcomes their fear of the elementals to draw power from an unknown river spirit, PISCATAQUA, who takes over Seren’s body. Piscataqua uses Seren to scare the fighting humans with a tsunami, making The Altzis drop their weapons and flee.

 

After a brief stop in a hostile town, Seren and the twins camp on a riverbank. Local elementals snatch Seren’s spirit from their body and put it in a bird circling an Altzi ship. They discover Erik is held captive on board while the Altzis interrogate him about the elementals defending Valley-Port.

 

The elementals just want Seren to sink the ship and kill everyone on it.  Seren manages to hold the Altzis and raging elementals off long enough for David and Reggie to sneak on board and rescue Erik.

 

The group makes it to Merry Basin without further incidents, but their troubles are far from over. The delegates, a mix of mages like Seren, Altzis, scientists, and village leaders who lack magic, cannot agree on anything. And Tree-Strong turns out to be so bad at moderating that Seren fears he is trying to cause a war.

 

With the help of impish elementals Seren snoops around Tree-Strong’s home, but every time they get close to his office, his security systems nearly kill Seren.

 

The elementals and Mother Earth grow weary of the human squabbling. When disagreements lead to violence, She uses Seren to give the humans an ultimatum: come to a peaceful agreement by dawn or die. A storm blows up. I think you should use a different expression from " a storm blows up" since you'd used it earlierThe more people fight, the stronger it gets.  It becomes lethal when a man tries to blow up the pier where most NUNES delegates have docked their boats.

 

The man appears to be an Altzi, but Seren discovers Tree-Strong used magic to force him to deliver the explosive.

 

Seren finally bypasses Tree-Strong’s security and finding evidence that he engineered the Altzi movement in hopes that by scarring people and saving them, they would accept him as their ruler, making NUNES an empire instead of a republic.  

 

Seren imprisons him and moderates the final discussion. The delegates vote to approve the constitution.

 

As the sun rises, waters recede, and a rainbow stretches across the land -- a sign that The Mother approves of the outcome. Seren returns home no longer afraid of their power and more confident in their ability to one day fill Assana’s shoes as an Ambassador between Earth and humanity.

Your story sounds interesting. Please review mine here:

http://agentquerycon...e-are-synopsis/



#11 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 24 July 2018 - 04:28 PM

Nearly killed by nuclear war, the sentient spirit of planet earth, (most people already have heard of mother earth) know to many as MOTHER EARTH, floods the planet, culling the human population. Scattered across the livable land in independent territories, the humans have one last chance to prove their worth to the planet. Most technology has been replaced with magic, but a handful of people cling to science, surviving with solar technology and genetic modification. Interesting set-up!

 

17-year-old SEREN MCINTYRE is heir of ASSANA MCINTYRE, the ruler of a sovereign territory called Valley-Port and an ambassador between Mother Earth and humanity. Their connection to the planet allows them to manipulate the elements. However, that connection works two ways. Every time a mage like Seren uses magic, they risk being controlled by an elemental spirit or Mother Earth Herself.

 

Growing differences between territories create the potential for a war, something that could lead Mother Earth to rid Herself of the remaining humans. Therefore, dozens of small territories, including Valley-Port, decide to band together as one nation at the inaugural Newly Unified North Eastern State’s (NUNES) convention.

 

The convention is being hosted 60 miles north at Merry Basin by TREE-STRONG, a mage whose power rivals Assana’s. Since local elemental spirits won’t allow Assana to leave Valley-Port, Seren embarks to represent Valley- accompanied by peacekeeper twins, DAVID and REGGIE. After a day of travels, they arrive in Little Port where Seren meets up with their (their? Typo or not? Is they Seren or David or Reggie?) boyfriend, ERIK. He warns them about Altzis, a group of bigoted strangers loitering in Little Port on their way to NUNES. There’s probably more information than needed in this paragraph. All I really need to know is that they arrive at the convention. You also may want to cut some of the characters—there are a lot of people to currently keep track of.

 

A storm blows up when Seren leaves Little Port, but the ocean spirit is one of the few elementals Seren trusts, so they draw power from her to get through the storm. They make it to Port’s Mouth just before nightfall but are run aground by a sola-powered barge piloted by scientist who fear mages. Seren pulls their boat out of the water to repair the damage, but can’t find a part they need. Seren makes a bargain with a local smith: retrieve a machine trapped in the GREAT SALT MARSH and he’ll make the missing part.

 

When Seren returns to Port’s Mouth with the machine, they’re attacked by Altzis. David and Reggie try to fight them off, but are outnumbered. A desperate Seren overcomes their fear of the elementals to draw power from an unknown river spirit, PISCATAQUA, who takes over Seren’s body. Piscataqua uses Seren to scare the fighting humans with a tsunami, making The Altzis drop their weapons and flee. Since the Altzis have become so important, it would be good to know a little more about them and their motives. Why are they doing something which threatens humanity’s survival?

 

After a brief stop in a hostile town, Seren and the twins camp on a riverbank. Local elementals snatch Seren’s spirit from their body and put it in a bird circling an Altzi ship. They discover Erik is held captive on board while the Altzis interrogate him about the elementals defending Valley-Port.

 

The elementals just want Seren to sink the ship and kill everyone on it.  Seren manages to hold the Altzis and raging elementals off long enough for David and Reggie to sneak on board and rescue Erik. Another thing I’m missing a little is character relationships. There are a lot of people here but I know nothing about how they feel about each other or their personalities. (I’m still not even sure who Erik is dating.) The mention of Seren’s fear of elements was a good step in that direction.

 

The group makes it to Merry Basin without further incidents, but their troubles are far from over. The delegates, a mix of mages like Seren, Altzis, scientist, and village leaders who lack magic, cannot agree on anything. And Tree-Strong turns out to be so bad at moderating that Seren fears he is trying to cause a war. Funny line!

 

With the help of impish elementals Seren snoops around Tree-Strong’s home, but every time they get close to his office, his security systems nearly kill Seren.

 

The elementals and Mother Earth grow weary of the human squabbling. When disagreements lead to violence, She uses Seren to give the humans an ultimatum: come to a peaceful agreement by dawn or die. A storm blows up. The more people fight, the stronger it gets.  It becomes lethal when a man tries to blow up the pier where most NUNES delegates have docked their boats.

 

The man appears to be an Altzi, but Seren discovers Tree-Strong used magic to force him to deliver the explosive.

 

Seren finally bypasses Tree-Strong’s security (how?) and finding evidence that he engineered Altzi movement in hopes that by scarring people and saving them, they would accept him as their ruler, making NUNES an empire instead of a republic.  

 

Seren imprisons him and moderates the final discussion. The delegates vote to approve the constitution.

 

As the sun rises, waters recede, and a rainbow stretches across the land -- a sign that The Mother approves of the outcome. Seren returns home no longer afraid of their power and more confident in their ability to one day fill Assana’s shoes as an Ambassador between Earth and humanity. Ends strong!

 

Hope I’ve helped! A link to my synopsis is below.






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