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#1 NerdWitch

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 07:35 AM

Hi guys,

Here is a draft of my synopsis for Circuit. It's roughly one A4 in length and I think it needs a bit more detail but any critique would be much appreciated.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------

In the near future, the world is run by pharmaceutical corporations who rule with an iron fist, coming up with new and ever-changing ways of shaping the world to suit their needs. In Britain, LifeSource Industries have manufactured VOCACIUM; an annual injection that influences its recipient to confess any crimes committed.

 

As a teenager, LAURA BISHOP's father confessed to a murder under the drug's influence and was executed in front of her eyes. When it’s her turn, Bishop discovers that she is immune to the drug and is taken away from her family.

 

Years later, Bishop is working for a faction of mercenaries called the CIRCUIT, who are trying to bring down LifeSource Industries. While on a mission with her best friend ACE, a hacker who guides her from his computer, Bishop sets off an explosion that inadvertently kills two civilians. Guilt-ridden and desperate to make amends, she accepts a job to steal a priceless flash-drive containing shocking information about Vocacium and herself. Abruptly interrupted by the police, who are hot on her tail, Bishop manages a narrow escape with the help of KNOX, another Circuit member. In the Citadel, the underground headquarters of the Circuit, they discover the flash-drive is heavily encrypted and seek the help of another hacker, who lives in Cardiff. While working on the files, the hacker is brutally murdered. When Bishop and Knox flee the scene, Knox gets shot and Bishop cornered by the police. She hands herself in, allowing Knox to escape and call for backup.

 

Bishop wakes up in a cold prison cell in front of Detective JONAH NOLAN who has been hunting her for months. The girl murdered by Bishop’s father all those years ago was his childhood love. Since the truth drug won’t work on Bishop, Jonah brings in MARIUS, Bishop’s brother and the new CEO of LifeSource. Marius threatens to kill Bishop if she doesn't give him what he wants - the flash-drive. Outside the building, Knox sets off an explosion and Bishop escapes.

 

With the files encrypted files now accessible, Bishop and Knox uncover information about Scorpion – a rogue company, once part of LifeSource's science division that uses human subjects in illegal cybernetic experiments. They find evidence that it could have been Scorpion responsible the death of Jonah’s friend and not Bishop’s father. She realises the help she needs is through Jonah and she convinces him to join them and stop Scorpion from killing even more people.

 

When Jonah and Bishop visit a scientist mentioned on the flash-drive, he ends up dead and Knox mysteriously disappears. Jonah’s own police force turn against him, believing he is now working with a terrorist. They take Bishop and Jonah into custody and deliver them to the Metropolitan Police building. Once again, Marius confronts Bishop. He reveals that he is behind Knox’s disappearance, actually works for Scorpion, and plans to kill her.

 

During interrogation, Jonah and Ace find an unexpected ally in ROSIE, a colleague of Jonah. She's been working undercover in the police for months and now she's there to bust them out, while being surrounded by the entire Metropolitan Police Force.

Just as Bishop thinks all hope is lost, the power cuts out. Bishop makes a run for the control room and plugs in the flash-drive into the Hub, broadcasting the contents of the flash-drive to the public, causing chaos. In the aftermath, Jonah promises to help Bishop find Knox and do whatever it takes to bring down Scorpion and LifeSource, once and for all.

 


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#2 galaxyspinner

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 04:00 PM

In the near future, the world is run by pharmaceutical corporations who rule with an iron fist, coming up with new and ever-changing ways of shaping the world to suit their needs. In Britain, LifeSource ("LifeSource" is a real company, so that might cause problems for you) Industries have manufactured VOCACIUM; an annual injection that influences its recipient to confess any crimes committed. (This is an improper use of a semicolon; remember, both clauses on either side of a semicolon should be independent.)

 

 

As a teenager, LAURA BISHOP's father (technically, you're saying that Laura's father is a teenager; consider revising this sentence) confessed to a murder under the drug's influence and was executed in front of her eyes. When it’s her turn, Bishop discovers that she is immune to the drug and is taken away from her family.

 

 

Years later, Bishop is working for a faction of mercenaries called the CIRCUIT, who are trying to bring down LifeSource Industries. While on a mission with her best friend ACE, a hacker who guides her from his computer, Bishop sets off an explosion that inadvertently kills two civilians. Guilt-ridden and desperate to make amends, she accepts a job to steal a priceless flash-drive (to my knowledge, "flash drive" is never hyphenated) containing shocking information about Vocacium and herself. Abruptly interrupted by the police, who are hot on her tail, Bishop manages a narrow escape with the help of KNOX, another Circuit member. In the Citadel, the underground headquarters of the Circuit, they discover the flash-drive is heavily encrypted and seek the help of another hacker, who lives in Cardiff. While working on the files, the hacker is brutally murdered. When Bishop and Knox flee the scene, Knox gets shot and Bishop cornered by the police. She hands herself in, allowing Knox to escape and call for backup. (I'd try to vary the sentence structures a bit; this paragraph is very heavy on the dependent clause, comma, independent clause format)

 

 

Bishop wakes up in a cold prison cell in front of Detective JONAH NOLAN who has been hunting her for months. The girl murdered by Bishop’s father all those years ago was his childhood love. Since the truth drug won’t work on Bishop, Jonah brings in MARIUS, Bishop’s brother and the new CEO of LifeSource. Marius threatens to kill Bishop if she doesn't give him what he wants - (this is an improper use of a hyphen; consider a colon, or an m-dash) the flash-drive. Outside the building, Knox sets off an explosion and Bishop escapes. (There's a lot in this paragraph that seems pretty important, but passes without comment; the revelation that her brother is the CEO of LifeSource, for example, and we know very little about its impact on the character. Was she aware of this? Is he aware of their relationship? Why did this happen? You obviously don't need to answer all questions that may come up, but some more elaboration will probably serve you well.)

 

 

With the files encrypted files (repeated words) now accessible, Bishop and Knox uncover information about Scorpion – (go with a comma here) a rogue company, once part of LifeSource's science division that uses human subjects in illegal cybernetic experiments (run-on sentence). They find evidence that it could have been Scorpion responsible the death of Jonah’s friend and not Bishop’s father. She realises the help she needs is through Jonah and she convinces him to join them and stop Scorpion from killing even more people.

 

 

When Jonah and Bishop visit a scientist mentioned on the flash-drive, he ends up dead and Knox mysteriously disappears. Jonah’s own police force turn against him, believing he is now working with a terrorist. They take Bishop and Jonah into custody and deliver them to the Metropolitan Police building. Once again, Marius confronts Bishop. He reveals that he is behind Knox’s disappearance, actually works for Scorpion, and plans to kill her.

 

During interrogation, Jonah and Ace find an unexpected ally in ROSIE, a colleague of Jonah. She's been working undercover in the police for months and now she's there to bust them out, while being surrounded by the entire Metropolitan Police Force.

Just as Bishop thinks all hope is lost, the power cuts out (Don't know how this helps, and wondering how it doesn't prevent her from doing what she does next). Bishop makes a run for the control room and plugs in the flash-drive into the Hub, broadcasting the contents of the flash-drive to the public, causing chaos. In the aftermath, Jonah promises to help Bishop find Knox and do whatever it takes to bring down Scorpion and LifeSource, once and for all.


Are you an actress looking for a comedic monologue? Check out Lady Parts: 50 Monologues for Funny Actresses.

 

Critique my query: Buccaneers of the Wild Blue


#3 NerdWitch

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Posted 13 June 2018 - 05:19 PM

Thank you very much! I'll keep your changes in mind when I revise it :) 


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#4 NerdWitch

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Posted 14 June 2018 - 08:51 AM

Here is a revision with your changes in mind. Hope it makes more sense.

 

---------

 

In the near future, the world is run by pharmaceutical corporations who rule with an iron fist, coming up with new and ever-changing ways of shaping the world to suit their needs. In Britain, LifeSource Industries have manufactured VOCACIUM. It is an annual injection that influences its recipient to confess any crimes committed.

 

When LAURA BISHOP was a teenager, her father confessed to a murder under the drug’s influence and was executed in front of her eyes. When it’s her turn, Bishop discovers that she is immune to the drug and is taken away from her family. She desperately calls out to her brother MARIUS for help, but he does nothing, even though he is the CEO of the company.

 

Years later, Bishop is working for a faction of mercenaries called the CIRCUIT, who are trying to bring down LifeSource Industries. While on a mission with her best friend ACE, a hacker who guides her from his computer, Bishop sets off an explosion that inadvertently kills two civilians. Guilt-ridden and desperate to make amends, she accepts a job to steal a priceless flash drive containing shocking information about Vocacium and herself.

Abruptly interrupted by the police, who are hot on her tail, Bishop manages a narrow escape with the help of KNOX, another Circuit member. In the Citadel, the underground headquarters of the Circuit, they discover the flash drive is heavily encrypted. Bishop and Knox travel to Cardiff to seek the help of another hacker. While working on the files, the hacker is brutally murdered. As Bishop and Knox flee the scene, Knox gets shot and Bishop cornered by the police. She hands herself in, allowing Knox to escape and call for backup. 

 

Bishop wakes up in a cold prison cell in front of Detective JONAH NOLAN who has been hunting her for months. The girl murdered by Bishop’s father all those years ago was his childhood love. Since the truth drug won’t work on Bishop, Jonah brings in Marius and for the first time in years Bishop is facing her brother. He threatens to kill Bishop if she doesn't give him what he wants: the flash drive. Outside the building, Knox sets off an explosion and Bishop escapes.

 

With the encrypted files now accessible, Bishop and Knox uncover information about Scorpion, a rogue company. They were once part of LifeSource's science division but were cut off for using human subjects in illegal cybernetic experiments. They find evidence that it could have been Scorpion responsible the death of Jonah’s friend and not Bishop’s father. She realises the help she needs is through Jonah and she convinces him to join them and stop Scorpion from killing even more people.

 

When Jonah and Bishop visit a scientist mentioned on the flash drive, he ends up dead and Knox mysteriously disappears. Jonah’s own police force turn against him, believing he is now working with a terrorist. They take Bishop and Jonah into custody and deliver them to the Metropolitan Police building. Once again, Marius confronts Bishop. He reveals that he is behind Knox’s disappearance, actually works for Scorpion, and plans to kill her.

 

During interrogation, Jonah and Ace find an unexpected ally in ROSIE, a colleague of Jonah. She's been working undercover in the police for months and now she's there to bust them out, while being surrounded by the entire Metropolitan Police Force.

Just as Bishop thinks all hope is lost, she comes face to face with a bionic human; one of Scorpion’s experiments. Instead of killing her, the creature cuts out the power and Bishop can escape. She makes run for the control room and plugs in the flash drive into the Hub, broadcasting the contents to the public, causing chaos. In the aftermath, Jonah promises to help Bishop find Knox and do whatever it takes to bring down Scorpion and LifeSource, once and for all.


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 


#5 lnloft

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Posted 16 June 2018 - 05:31 PM

Here is a revision with your changes in mind. Hope it makes more sense.

 

---------

 

In the near future, the world is run by pharmaceutical corporations who rule with an iron fist, coming up with new and ever-changing ways of shaping the world to suit their needs. In Britain, LifeSource Industries have manufactured VOCACIUM. It is an annual injection that influences its recipient to confess any crimes committed.

 

When LAURA BISHOP was a teenager, her father confessed to a murder under the drug’s influence and was executed in front of her eyes. When it’s her turn, Bishop discovers that she is immune to the drug and is taken away from her family. She desperately calls out to her brother MARIUS for help, but he does nothing, even though he is the CEO of the company. Him being the CEO throws me a little bit. While I know of large age gaps between siblings, my first inclination to hearing Laura is a teenager right now is to assume her brother is of a similar age, no more than his early twenties, which suspends my disbelief that he'd be CEO of such a powerful institute at such a young age, especially when his family is being victimized by the company.

 

Years later, Bishop is working for a faction of mercenaries called the CIRCUIT, who are trying to bring down LifeSource Industries. While on a mission with her best friend ACE, a hacker who guides her from his computer, Bishop sets off an explosion that inadvertently kills two civilians. Guilt-ridden and desperate to make amends, she accepts a job to steal a priceless flash drive containing shocking information about Vocacium and herself. Something about this, particularly the end, just reads awkwardly to me.

Abruptly interrupted by the police, who are hot on her tail, Bishop manages a narrow escape with the help of KNOX, another Circuit member. In the Citadel, Doesn't seem like we need this name since it doesn't pop up again the underground headquarters of the Circuit, they discover the flash drive is heavily encrypted Oh, I didn't realize she succeeded in getting it. I assumed that because she was interrupted she failed to get it. Bishop and Knox travel to Cardiff to seek the help of another hacker. While working on the files, the hacker is brutally murdered. As Bishop and Knox flee the scene, Knox gets shot and I would argue that this doesn't matter for the purpose of the query, since it seems Knox is still functional and I was first wondering if he was dead. What's important is that he is able to escape, and you don't want me wondering how when you make it seem important that he's been hurt. Bishop cornered by the police. She hands herself in, allowing Knox to escape and call for backup. 

 

Bishop wakes up in a cold prison cell in front of Detective JONAH NOLAN, [comma] who has been hunting her for months. The girl murdered by Bishop’s father all those years ago was his childhood love. Since the truth drug won’t work on Bishop, Jonah brings in Marius and for the first time in years Bishop is facing her brother. He threatens to kill Bishop if she doesn't give him what he wants: the flash drive. Outside the building, Knox sets off an explosion and Bishop escapes.

 

With the encrypted files now accessible, Bishop and Knox uncover information about Scorpion, a rogue company. They were once part of LifeSource's science division but were cut off for using human subjects in illegal cybernetic experiments. They find evidence that it could have been Scorpion responsible the death of Jonah’s friend and not Bishop’s father. She realises the help she needs is through Jonah and she convinces him to join them and stop Scorpion from killing even more people.

 

When Jonah and Bishop visit a scientist mentioned on the flash drive, he ends up dead and Knox mysteriously disappears Had Knox come along with them, or...? . Jonah’s own police force turn against him, believing he is now working with a terrorist Well, actually, didn't he turn on them by working with a terrorist? Technically?. They take Bishop and Jonah into custody and deliver them to the Metropolitan Police building. Once again, Marius confronts Bishop. He reveals that he is behind Knox’s disappearance, actually works for Scorpion, and plans to kill her. Again, this, particularly the end, reads awkwardly. Also, classic villain error of revealing plans without actually following through.

 

During interrogation, Jonah and Ace At this point, I don't think we need Ace in the synopsis. He doesn't actually do anything critical guiding Bishop the first time he's mentioned, he kinda comes out of nowhere this time around, and this would mean exactly the same thing if we just had it as "Jonah finds" find an unexpected ally in ROSIE, a colleague of Jonah's. She's been working undercover (for whom? Circuit?) in the police for months and now she's there to bust them out, while being surrounded by the entire Metropolitan Police Force. I had the exact same thing in my book, where the heroes are rescued unexpectedly by someone who otherwise isn't mentioned in the query. So I get the temptation to write it this way. But I think it's more succinct if you drop the name and just describe her as "an undercover Circuit agent on the police force", or whatever is accurate. She plays a small but important role, but for purposes of the synopsis certain things just aren't needed. Also, I would say more explicitly that she helps them escape, because technically you just say that she can do it, not that she does.

Just as Bishop thinks all hope is lost, she comes face to face with a bionic human; one of Scorpion’s experiments. Instead of killing her, the creature cuts out the power and Bishop can escape. She makes run for the control room and plugs in the flash drive into the Hub, broadcasting the contents to the public, causing chaos. In the aftermath, Jonah promises to help Bishop find Knox and do whatever it takes to bring down Scorpion and LifeSource, once and for all. I assume you've written this to set up for a sequel?

Overall, this is a solid synopsis. Things for the most bit follow logically from one place to another, and it seems to be an interesting story. Nice work so far and good luck with the rest.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#6 NerdWitch

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Posted 17 June 2018 - 06:12 AM

Overall, this is a solid synopsis. Things for the most bit follow logically from one place to another, and it seems to be an interesting story. Nice work so far and good luck with the rest.

 Thank you so much. I've added a few of your changes into this version and hope it reads a bit clearer. 


---

 

In the near future, the world is run by pharmaceutical corporations who rule with an iron fist, coming up with new and ever-changing ways of shaping the world to suit their needs. In Britain, LifeSource Industries have manufactured VOCACIUM. It is an annual injection that influences its recipient to confess any crimes committed.

When LAURA BISHOP was a teenager, her father confessed to a murder under the drug’s influence and was executed in front of her eyes. When it’s her turn, Bishop discovers that she is immune to the drug and is taken away from her family. She desperately calls out to her half-brother MARIUS for help, but he does nothing, even though he runs the company.

 

Years later, Bishop is working for a faction of mercenaries called the CIRCUIT, who are trying to bring down LifeSource Industries. While on a mission with her best friend ACE, a hacker who guides her from his computer, Bishop sets off an explosion that inadvertently kills two civilians. To keep herself distracted from guilt, she takes a job to steal a priceless flash drive containing shocking information about Vocacium and herself.

Abruptly interrupted by the police, who are hot on her tail, Bishop manages a narrow escape with the help of KNOX, another Circuit member. In the underground headquarters of the Circuit, they discover the flash drive is heavily encrypted. Bishop and Knox travel to Cardiff to seek the help of another hacker. While working on the files, the hacker is brutally murdered. As Bishop and Knox flee the scene they are cornered by the police. Bishop hands herself in, allowing Knox to escape and call for backup.

 

Bishop wakes up in a cold prison cell in front of Detective JONAH NOLAN, who has been hunting her for months. The girl murdered by Bishop’s father all those years ago was his childhood love. Since the truth drug won’t work on Bishop, Jonah brings in Marius and for the first time in years Bishop is facing her brother. He threatens to kill Bishop if she doesn't give him what he wants: the flash drive. Outside the building, Knox sets off an explosion and Bishop escapes.

 

With the encrypted files now accessible, Bishop and Knox uncover information about Scorpion, a rogue company. They were once part of LifeSource's science division but were cut off for using human subjects in illegal cybernetic experiments. They find evidence that it could have been Scorpion responsible the death of Jonah’s friend and not Bishop’s father. She realises the help she needs is through Jonah and she convinces him to join them and stop Scorpion from killing even more people.

 

When Jonah and Bishop visit a scientist mentioned on the flash drive, he ends up dead. They return to London to find out that Knox has disappeared. To make matter worse, they get are ambushed by Jonah’s own police force and are taken into custody to the Metropolitan Police building. Once again, Marius confronts Bishop. He reveals that he is behind Knox’s disappearance, actually works for Scorpion, and plans to kill her.

 

During interrogation, Jonah and Ace find an unexpected ally in an undercover Circuit agent. She is there to bust them out while being surrounded by the entire police force.

.

Just as Bishop thinks all hope is lost, she comes face to face with a bionic human; one of Scorpion’s experiments. Instead of killing her, the creature cuts out the power and Bishop can escape. She makes run for the control room and plugs in the flash drive into the Hub, broadcasting the contents to the public, causing chaos. In the aftermath, Jonah promises to help Bishop find Knox and do whatever it takes to bring down Scorpion and LifeSource, once and for all.


Please help me with my query http://agentquerycon...dystopiasci-fi/
And my synopsis: http://agentquerycon...it/#entry330157


 





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