By the time Holly discovers the timeless paradise hidden beneath her tiny island home, it's on the brink of collapse. Great hook.(See below)
Once the greatest fortress ever made, Dunlocan has been trapped within its magical defences for centuries, its people longing to re-join civilisation. And now they've finally been re-discovered, they must wait for the world to decide who has a claim on their enchanted, ageless land. At least, that's the story told by Lucy, the teenager who first stumbled across their fairytale world. The story believed by the naive boy king at its centre. The story that's convincing more and more of his people that peace with the outside world is impossible. And by the time Lucy turns to Holly for help, its the story that's about to destroy the city that even time can't touch.
Holly has wasted the first seventeen years of her life on the forgotten island of Corrbee, but she intends to spend the rest of it being the girl who unveiled a real fairytale realm to the modern world. She just has to heal it first. Introducing herself as the ruler of Corrbee, she offers Dunlocan a treaty that'll be the first step in reviving confidence in its fragile King and undoing the damage caused by Lucy's lies. But when her identity falls into the hands of a charismatic madman bent on shutting Dunlocan's borders forever, Holly must find a way to silence him before the truth turns those she's trying to help into deadly enemies.
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Thanks again guys!
It sounds like a great story.
A few thoughts, FWIW.
I think it would help to make the sentences less compounded. There is a lot going on in sentence 2, 3, 4, for example. I would suggest breaking them apart into more digestible pieces of information.
Second, watch your use of passive voice. I see a bunch of instances of it here. When possible, choose active voice, and strong verbs (i.e. That's the story Lucy spinned, after she discovered the fairytale world. The teenager convinced the boy-king of her lies. And now more and more people believe it, doubting that there could ever be peace with outside world)
Third, it seems to me you don't need to mention Carrbee at all. It would simplify your narrative and reduce the number of names to three––better.
Third, the bit about the treaty and Holly's identity is confusing. What does that mean that Holly's identity falls into someone's hands? Like, her SSN?
Overall, it seems to me there is a thread here you can build around: story-telling, and lying for greater good (and the consequences of that.) Lucy told a story (a lie, I understand) that makes dwellers of Dunlocan uniquely to rejoin the world.
By the time Holly discovers the timeless paradise hidden beneath her tiny island home, it's on the brink of collapse.
Lucy, the teenager who discovered the magical realm, spinned a lie to (WHY did she do it). Because of it, the world that stood up to everything, can disappear forever. But not if Holly can help it. Determined to unveiled a real fairytale realm to the modern world, she embarks on a mission to heal it. (WHY does she tell her lie?) I.e. To give herself much-needed credibility, Holly inflates her credentials as she offers Dunlocan a treaty that'll be the first step in reviving confidence in its fragile King and undoing the damage caused by Lucy's lies. Her plan backfires when a charismatic madman learns the truth. He will use the information to shutt Dunlocan's borders forever, unless Holly finds a way to silence him.