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Twitter Pitches for SF/F


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#1 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 19 June 2018 - 11:14 AM

Hello all, I figured I should throw up my horrific attempts at a pitch for some feedback :)

 

Short one: A geriatric farmer and his dog get sucked into a carrot and must find a way to escape before they are doomed to an eternity inside of it.

 

Longer one: A geriatric farmer gets sucked into a world inside of a carrot at the hands of his deranged neighbour. He must now find a way to escape before the timeline is rewritten, his neighbour ends up with his wife, and he ceases to exist.



#2 mwsinclair

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Posted 19 June 2018 - 01:45 PM

Of the two, I prefer the short version.

 

While the longer one obviously gives more detail, the first caught my attention better.



#3 Bkrasnik

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Posted 19 June 2018 - 02:38 PM

Hello all, I figured I should throw up my horrific attempts at a pitch for some feedback :)

 

Short one: A geriatric farmer and his dog get sucked into a carrot and must find a way to escape before they are doomed to an eternity inside of it.

 

Longer one: A geriatric farmer gets sucked into a world inside of a carrot at the hands of his deranged neighbour. He must now find a way to escape before the timeline is rewritten, his neighbour ends up with his wife, and he ceases to exist.

 

This is very strange but very intriguing. Reminds me a bit of James and the Giant Peach. 

 

I second mwsinclair. I think the shorter one is better. The second sentence of the longer one is a little confusing. I would add "at the hands of his deranged neighbor" into the short one, and I think that will make it even a little bit better. 


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#4 DisgruntledWriter

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Posted 20 June 2018 - 11:49 AM

Thanks for the input guys :) Bkrasnik, I like your suggestion about putting the neighbour thing in the shorter one. 

 

I guess bigger isn't always better  :wink:   :wink:  I'll see myself out now...



#5 smithgirl

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Posted 21 June 2018 - 01:47 PM

I also like the shorter on better.



#6 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 18 July 2018 - 11:52 AM

Both of them are good! I think the longer one could be made shorter: his timeline being rewritten and ceasing to exist are basically the same problem.






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