I have a new manuscript that I'm going to need to pitch to my agent so I want to make sure I have things as clear and concise as possible and writing a query is a great way to distil a complex story down to its most basic elements, which is what we need to do for all of our manuscripts no matter where we are in our writer's journeys.
Here's my first pass at it. What I'd like is feedback on clarity and for places I can tighten it up. It's currently a little over 300 words and I'd like to get it down to 285.
Thanks in advance -- I'll critique right back in thanks!
Steph Coleman may be nearly 18, but she looks like she’s only 10. According to her mother, Anne, it’s because of hypogeria, a mysterious disorder which keeps her from aging, but when Anne dies of a stroke, Steph discovers the truth. She’s not hypogeric, she’s Kedaszi M’ul – a Death Collector – a nearly-immortal being cursed with the compulsion to collect the deaths of others, allowing them to continue to live – deaths that Stephanie must re-die every single day. The deaths don’t come alone, either. Each death brings with it both a lifetime of memories and, more importantly to Stephanie, each death ages her physically.
Her mother’s death brings Stephanie through puberty. Now she not only knows how to become the adult she’s always wanted to be, she’s also fully awakened to just what being an adult means and, more than ever, she’s intent on reaching maturity.
Her mom, unable to bear watching her daughter die every day, will do anything to keep her from collecting more deaths. She takes Stephanie on the road to search for Stephanie’s father – a man whose existence was hidden from Stephanie because he, too, is M’ul. Her mother believes he might keep Steph from repeating the terrible mistakes which condemned him to immortal misery.
But Stephanie is getting to know her father through her mother’s memories and she sees something different -- a man who never understood how to manifest his own father’s belief that M’ul are “Love Things,” meant to bring relief and joy to the world.
So when the RV breaks down and Stephanie meets Jim, the shy, beautiful and lonely mechanic tasked with fixing their vehicle, she must decide: bear her condition as a burden like her father, run from it like her mother wants, or find a way to become the Love Thing her grandfather said she was intended to be.
THE DEATH COLLECTOR is a 95k YA Supernatural story and could be described as Interview with A Vampire meets Danny Champion of the World.