29 replies to this topic

[Caligulas]

Heyyyyy,, just an FYI. If I looked over your query, I'm not looking for a crit back. I'm just trying to help. I've recently finalized my query given the advice I've gotten and am letting it rest for awhile until I've decided whether it's a go. Won't be able to tell until I haven't looked at it for  a bit. So again, no need to pay back the favor, I'm just trying to be nice. :)

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

On Christmas day, seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson’s brother, Tristan, is branded an untreatable cancer patient. Now life can’t prove to be any more than an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky’s attacked…by himself. Some corpse-colored, alternate reality version of him that makes hospital visits seem like a pastime. He lunges a knife at Ky’s chest while asking one question:

 

Where is Tristan?

 

When Ky bashes his freaky double’s head with a bat, it runs leaving behind a tiny lump of metal. It nearly freezes a hole through Ky’s hand, but is proof he isn’t nuts and the key to figuring out why his double wants Tristan. First, it speaks to Ky, and then it vibrates. When Ky finally figures out how to turn it on, his stomach drops into his butt. The lump transmits dozens of images of alternate reality Tristans—all dead.

 

The goddamn dimensional doppelganger is Ky, yet somehow, everything he wouldn’t be. A brother killer that has everything to do with Tristan’s aggressive cancer, and Tristan’s running out of time. But suddenly so is Ky. Several classmates he wouldn’t have minded never seeing again are showing up in the morgue. His double has to be the reason, but that’s not what the police think. Now Ky’s left with a shit option and shittier one: Track down his double to get evidence of his existence and risk losing his brother and freedom. Or save Tristan by doing the one thing that’ll prove Ky’s way more like his double than he’s willing to discover…killing it.

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters.

[Bkrasnik]

Been working on this bad boy for a while now. Not even sure how I feel about it anymore. Is it working at all? (P.S. if wanted, I will return the crit favor!!!)

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

On Christmas day, seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson’s brother, Tristan, is branded an untreatable cancer patient. Now life can’t prove to be any more than an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky’s attacked…by himself. Some corpse-colored, alternate reality version of him that makes hospital visits seem like a pastime (confusing). He lunges a knife at Ky’s chest while asking one question:

 

Where is Tristan? 

 

When Ky bashes his freaky double’s head with a bat, it runs leaving behind a tiny lump of metal. It nearly freezes a hole through Ky’s hand, but is proof he isn’t nuts and the key to figuring out why his double wants Tristan. (You are giving too much unnecessary detail here. This is also reading more like a synopsis than a query.)  First, it speaks to Ky, and then it vibrates (unnecessary detail that adds no value to the character. Instead of telling me that it vibrates, hint at character motivations and fatal flaws--this will help you show us the complexity of your character in the query). When Ky finally figures out how to turn it on, his stomach drops into his butt.(useless info again) The lump transmits dozens of images of alternate reality Tristans—all dead. (confusing and have no idea why this is important. You already told us that Tristan is terminal so the next obvious step is his death in actual reality. Once that happens, the reader will be sad, but there is no shock value here and no stakes either. Also, if he is dead in alternate reality, how is that important to the story?)

 

The goddamn dimensional doppelganger is Ky, yet somehow, everything he wouldn’t be. A brother killer that has everything to do with Tristan’s aggressive cancer, and Tristan’s running out of time (this is very confusing--I have no idea what is going on anymore. We need more context. Also, Tristan dying is not a stake to the reader because there is only one end to him, and that's death. It is just tragic.). But suddenly so is Ky. Several classmates he wouldn’t have minded never seeing again are showing up in the morgue. His double has to be the reason, but that’s not what the police think. Now Ky’s left with a shit option and shittier one: Track down his double to get evidence of his existence and risk losing his brother and freedom. Or save Tristan by doing the one thing that’ll prove Ky’s way more like his double than he’s willing to discover…killing it. (I am completely lost at this point.)

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters.

 

This query is extremely confusing to me. You know your book very well, so it is easy to forget that the agent will need context to follow the storyline. I also feel like there is a lack of focus and character development, and no obvious stakes. Make sure to make these three questions crystal clear from the beginning:

 

What does your character want?

What keeps him from getting it?

And why does he want it? 

 

My recommendation is to read a bunch of queries before editing this. You can go on QueryShark for this. 

[AstrMikeDexter]

Been working on this bad boy for a while now. Not even sure how I feel about it anymore. Is it working at all? (P.S. if wanted, I will return the crit favor!!!)

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

On Christmas day, seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson’s brother, Tristan, is branded an untreatable cancer patient. (Does the fact that it's Christmas Day serve a larger purpose? I'm not sure it's necessary to include in the query. Also, I feel like you should start off with something about Ky and not Tristan since I presume Ky is the main character.) Now life can’t prove to be any more than an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky’s attacked…by himself. Some corpse-colored, alternate reality version of him that makes hospital visits seem like a pastime (This is a confusing sentence). He lunges a knife at Ky’s chest while asking one question:

 

Where is Tristan?

 

When Ky bashes his freaky double’s head with a bat, it runs leaving behind a tiny lump of metal. It nearly freezes a hole through Ky’s hand, but is proof he isn’t nuts and the key to figuring out why his double wants Tristan. First, it speaks to Ky, and then it vibrates. When Ky finally figures out how to turn it on, his stomach drops into his butt. The lump transmits dozens of images of alternate reality Tristans—all dead. (This is SUCH an interesting premise and I'm really into it. I think this paragraph is very summary-like, though.)

 

The goddamn dimensional doppelganger is Ky (I think it gets a little confusing saying in your query that this is Ky...it's not really, right? It's an alternate version of him. It might be simpler to call him as such), yet somehow, everything he wouldn’t be. A brother killer that has everything to do with Tristan’s aggressive cancer, and Tristan’s running out of time. But suddenly so is Ky. Several classmates he wouldn’t have minded never seeing again are showing up in the morgue. (This part about the classmates kind of comes out of nowhere. Alterna-Ky is dubbed a 'brother killer' in a previous sentence so does this mean he's murdering other people too?) His double has to be the reason, but that’s not what the police think. Now Ky’s left with a shit option and shittier one (I, personally, would avoid cursing too many times in a query letter): Track down his double to get evidence of his existence and risk losing his brother and freedom. Or save Tristan by doing the one thing that’ll prove Ky’s way more like his double than he’s willing to discover…killing it. (The stakes are not clear to me.)

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters.

I really do think this sounds like a very interesting story and like something I'd enjoy reading. I do have some questions about the query, though, as outlined above. Good luck!

[TeaTime]

Been working on this bad boy for a while now. Not even sure how I feel about it anymore. Is it working at all? (P.S. if wanted, I will return the crit favor!!!)

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

On Christmas day ​(I think Day would be capitalized. And is the specific day this happens important to the query?), seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson’s brother, Tristan, is branded an untreatable cancer patient. Now life can’t prove to be any more than an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky’s (I'd do "Ky is" to be as clear as possible) attacked…by himself. Some corpse-colored, alternate reality version of him that makes hospital visits seem like a pastime. He lunges a knife at Ky’s chest while asking one question:

 

Where is Tristan? (This question is good, but I'd simplify the rest of this preceding action--just say that Ky is attacked)

 

When Ky bashes his freaky (I feel like a different word be better) double’s head with a bat, it runs leaving behind a tiny lump of metal. It nearly freezes a hole through Ky’s hand, but is proof he isn’t nuts and the key to figuring out why his double wants Tristan. First, it speaks to Ky, and then it vibrates. When Ky finally figures out how to turn it on, his stomach drops into his butt. (These details are pretty synopsis-y. I'd cut/streamline a lot of the specifics, as the query doesn't need them) The lump transmits dozens of images of alternate reality Tristans—all dead.

 

The goddamn dimensional doppelganger is Ky, yet somehow, everything he wouldn’t be. A brother killer that has everything to do with Tristan’s aggressive cancer (Everything to do with this reality's Tristan? How so?), and Tristan’s running out of time (Is there any way that Ky might be able to save him? Providing that, maybe some concrete way (you allude to it at the end) will help clarify the stakes). But suddenly so is Ky. Several classmates he wouldn’t have minded never seeing again are showing up in the morgue. His double has to be the reason, but that’s not what the police think. Now Ky’s left with a shit option and shittier one (Some agents won't care about swearing in a query, some will. I'm not sure what the ratio is): Track down his double to get evidence of his (His?--as in his double? Plots with double characters definitely run the risk of pronoun confusion) existence and risk losing his brother and freedom. Or save Tristan by doing the one thing that’ll prove Ky’s way more like his double than he’s willing to discover…killing it.

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters.

 

This is a really interesting plot, with lots of potential for horror & tense stakes. Right now the biggest thing seems to be that the query is very descriptive. It will work better when it's streamlined & the unnecessary details are trimmed out in favor of the important stuff.

 

I also would like to know more about Ky, as a lot of crazy things are happening to him & he's got some decision-making to do, but the query doesn't give much of who he is personally. I think the query will be more effective if some of him can be worked in. Best of luck   

[Caligulas]

Hey everybody! Thanks so much for the insight, working on another draft. :D

[perpetual]

Hey! I came here to return crit, but I'll wait til you have another draft posted :)

[Caligulas]

Thanks for the wait. Soooo, this is rough but I'm working with it right now. I was told previously that adding the boyfriend made it too confusing, but I'm trying it again. I think the stakes issue is because I've been trying to write in a box not containing the boyfriend, but he's simply a HUGE part of the stakes for Ky in this story. So I'm trying to see if I can add him without it being confusing.

 

--

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

For seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson only two people in the world matter, and one is deemed soon-to-be dead. Ky’s brother, Tristan, is in the ICU plagued with a strangely aggressive cancer, and life couldn’t be any more of an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky is attacked…by himself. A corpse-colored, alternate reality version of himself that holds him at knifepoint and asks one question:

 

Where is Tristan?

 

When Ky bashes the double’s head with a bat, it runs leaving behind a space-age metal lump that speaks his name. It quickly becomes Ky’s obsession to the disdain of the second only person who matters—his boyfriend Austin. To Austin, the useless lump is an emblem for Ky’s grief-driven insanity and his preference for Tristan over Austin causing their crumbling relationship. But Ky’s certain it’ll give him a clue why his double is searching for Tristan…and it does.

 

Briefly, it shows images of countless alternate reality Tristans—all dead, except for Ky’s Tristan who’s next on the list. Suddenly, Tristan’s strange cancer looks more like an interdimensional hit. But with Austin pulling away the more Ky pursues his doppelganger delusions, Ky’s left with an impossible choice. Find himself to attempt saving Tristan at the risk of losing Austin or move forward with Austin and accept his brother’s death lest he end up in a world filled with no one.

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters.

[W.P.]

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

For seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson only two people in the world matter, and one is deemed soon-to-be dead. Ky’s brother, Tristan, is in the ICU plagued with a strangely aggressive cancer, and life couldn’t be any more of an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky is attacked…by himself. A corpse-colored, alternate reality ((implied))version of himself that holds him at knifepoint and asks one question:

 

Where is Tristan? ((awesomeeeeeeee. great hook and voice so far.))

 

When Ky bashes the double’s head with a bat, it runs leaving ("and leaves") behind a space-age metal lump that speaks his name. It quickly becomes Ky’s obsession to the disdain of the second only person who matters—his boyfriend Austin. To Austin, the useless lump is an emblem for Ky’s grief-driven insanity and his preference for Tristan over Austin causing their crumbling relationship. But Ky’s certain it’ll give him a clue why his double is searching for Tristan…and it does.

 

Briefly, it shows images of countless alternate reality Tristans—all dead, except for Ky’s Tristan who’s next on the list. Suddenly, Tristan’s strange cancer looks more like an interdimensional hit. But with Austin pulling away the more Ky pursues his doppelganger delusions, Ky’s left with an impossible choice. Find himself ((this confuses me. do you mean the alternate reality Ky?)) to attempt saving Tristan at the risk of losing Austin or move forward with Austin and accept his brother’s death lest he end up in a world filled with no one. ((great conflict and stakes. though Austin sounds like a douche. Like, let Ky grieve his dying brother. How selfish))

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters.

 

 

Great stuff! I'm not into science-fi (though I do love suspense) and this query makes me want to read the book quite badly tbh. Sounds very interesting and exciting (heartbreaking as well). 

 

My query: http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=357968

[kat8]

Thanks for the wait. Soooo, this is rough but I'm working with it right now. I was told previously that adding the boyfriend made it too confusing, but I'm trying it again. I think the stakes issue is because I've been trying to write in a box not containing the boyfriend, but he's simply a HUGE part of the stakes for Ky in this story. So I'm trying to see if I can add him without it being confusing.

 

--

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

For seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson only two people in the world matter, and one is deemed soon-to-be dead (I think there is a way to make this sentence more active-- like, 'Seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson only cares about two people in the world, and one of them will soon be dead.' I think deemed is an awkward word choice, but besides that, I still like this first sentence.). Ky’s brother, Tristan, is in the ICU plagued with a strangely aggressive cancer, and life couldn’t be any more of an unfair pile of shit(hmmm I see that you're trying to get voice in there but at least for me personally, I think it's a little too jarring). Until Ky is attacked…by himself. A corpse-colored (what color is a corpse? I don't really know what this means), alternate reality version of himself that holds him at knifepoint and asks one question:

 

Where is Tristan? (LOVE how powerful this is, short and in its own paragraph :) )

 

When Ky bashes the his double’s head with a bat, it the double runs leaving behind a space-age metal lump (awkward descriptor) that speaks his name. It quickly becomes Ky’s obsession to the disdain of the second only (really awkward wording) person who matters—his boyfriend Austin. To Austin, the useless lump is an emblem for Ky’s grief-driven insanity and his preference for Tristan over Austin causing their crumbling relationship (a little too much telling, I think there's a way to hint at this through showing). But Ky’s certain it’ll give him a clue why his double is searching for Tristan…and it does (don't overuse the ellipses!).

 

Briefly, it shows images of countless alternate reality Tristans—all dead, except for Ky’s Tristan who’s next on the list. Suddenly, Tristan’s strange cancer looks more like an interdimensional hit (a hit like an assassination attempt?). But with Austin pulling away the more Ky pursues his doppelganger delusions, Ky’s left with an impossible choice. Find himself to attempt saving Tristan at the risk of losing Austin or move forward with Austin and accept his brother’s death lest he end up in a world filled with no one.

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters.

 

Your story sounds really interesting :) 

[gigigriffis]

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

For seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson, only two people in the world matter, and one is deemed soon-to-be dead. Ky’s brother, Tristan, is in the ICU plagued with a strangely aggressive cancer, and life couldn’t be any more of an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky is attacked…by himself. A corpse-colored, alternate reality version of himself that holds him at knifepoint and asks one question:

 

Where is Tristan? 

 

When Ky bashes the double’s head with a bat, it runs, leaving behind a space-age metal lump that speaks his name. It quickly becomes Ky’s obsession to the disdain of the second only person who matters—his boyfriend Austin. To Austin, the useless lump is an emblem for Ky’s grief-driven insanity and his preference for Tristan over Austin causing their crumbling relationship. But Ky’s certain it’ll give him a clue why his double is searching for Tristan…and it does. 

 

Briefly, it shows images of countless alternate reality Tristans—all dead, except for Ky’s Tristan who’s next on the list. Suddenly, Tristan’s strange cancer looks more like an interdimensional hit. But with Austin pulling away the more Ky pursues his doppelganger delusions, Ky’s left with an impossible choice. Find himself to attempt saving Tristan at the risk of losing Austin or move forward with Austin and accept his brother’s death lest he end up in a world filled with no one.

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters.

So, overall, one big struggle for me (and this isn't about the query - it's about the story) is Austin. He sounds like a jerk and it's hard to imagine the character choosing him over his brother, so the stakes don't seem very high. Is there a way to show us a better side of Austin here? Is Austin forcing the MC to choose or is there some external thing that's forcing the choice? 

[kailam]

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

For seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson, only two people in the world matter, and one is deemed soon-to-be dead. Ky’s brother, Tristan, is in the ICU plagued with a strangely aggressive cancer, and life couldn’t be any more of an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky is attacked…by himself. A corpse-colored, alternate reality version of himself that holds him at knifepoint and asks one question:

 

Where is Tristan? Great opening!

 

When Ky bashes the double’s head in with a bat, it runs, leaving behind a space-age metal lump that speaks his name. It quickly becomes Ky’s obsession to the disdain of the second only person who matters—his boyfriend Austin. To Austin, the useless lump is an emblem for Ky’s grief-driven insanity and his focus on Tristan over Austin is causing their relationship to crumble. But Ky’s certain it’ll give him a clue why his double is searching for Tristan…and it does. 

 

Briefly, it shows images of countless alternate reality Tristans—all dead, except for Ky’s Tristan who’s next on the list. Suddenly, Tristan’s strange cancer looks more like an interdimensional hit. But with Austin pulling away, the more Ky pursues his doppelganger delusions, the more Ky’s left with an impossible choice. Attempt to save Tristan at the risk of losing Austin, or move forward with Austin and accept his brother’s death lest he end up in a world filled with no one.

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters.

This is pretty great already. However, as above, I think Austin's character needs fleshing out to make Ky's dilemma stronger. Why does Ky love Austin, and what would he lose with their break up? 

The other question for me was how does the Ky double run away after getting hit over the head with a bat, and where does he go? To me, it would be stronger if Ky kills his own double. Later on, this would also mean Ky is the only person available who can save the last version Tristan, reinforcing the dilemma of Ky's choice. Otherwise, if Ky's double popped up before, surely he could pop up again, and would actually be better placed to save Tristan, as he appears to know more about the situation already...if that makes sense? Sounds like you've got a great story here though!

[Caligulas]

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

For seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson, only two people in the world matter, and one is deemed soon-to-be dead. Ky’s brother, Tristan, is in the ICU plagued with a strangely aggressive cancer, and life couldn’t be any more of an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky is attacked…by himself. A corpse-colored, alternate reality version of himself that holds him at knifepoint and asks one question:

 

Where is Tristan? 

 

When Ky bashes the double’s head with a bat, it runs, leaving behind a space-age metal lump that speaks his name. It quickly becomes Ky’s obsession to the disdain of the second only person who matters—his boyfriend Austin. To Austin, the useless lump is an emblem for Ky’s grief-driven insanity and his preference for Tristan over Austin causing their crumbling relationship. But Ky’s certain it’ll give him a clue why his double is searching for Tristan…and it does. 

 

Briefly, it shows images of countless alternate reality Tristans—all dead, except for Ky’s Tristan who’s next on the list. Suddenly, Tristan’s strange cancer looks more like an interdimensional hit. But with Austin pulling away the more Ky pursues his doppelganger delusions, Ky’s left with an impossible choice. Find himself to attempt saving Tristan at the risk of losing Austin or move forward with Austin and accept his brother’s death lest he end up in a world filled with no one.

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters.

So, overall, one big struggle for me (and this isn't about the query - it's about the story) is Austin. He sounds like a jerk and it's hard to imagine the character choosing him over his brother, so the stakes don't seem very high. Is there a way to show us a better side of Austin here? Is Austin forcing the MC to choose or is there some external thing that's forcing the choice? 

 

 

Great question! Austin definitely isn't drawing a line in the sand with his arms crossed. In the beginning, he's very much worried about Ky and the relationship has been suffering pre-story start (but yes, due to Ky's vehement need to be around his brother). Austin is very passive, hurt, and struggles with pulling away from Ky to protect himself and future though being very in love with him while jealous of Tristan always having been Ky's number one person. So I think I made a mistake in phrasing here, especially with the word 'useless'. I fear length, lol. I'll work on rewording it and try to add a little more to make Austin's position more understable. 

 

Thanks so much for all of these suggestions you guys!

[Caligulas]

This is pretty great already. However, as above, I think Austin's character needs fleshing out to make Ky's dilemma stronger. Why does Ky love Austin, and what would he lose with their break up? 

The other question for me was how does the Ky double run away after getting hit over the head with a bat, and where does he go? To me, it would be stronger if Ky kills his own double. Later on, this would also mean Ky is the only person available who can save the last version Tristan, reinforcing the dilemma of Ky's choice. Otherwise, if Ky's double popped up before, surely he could pop up again, and would actually be better placed to save Tristan, as he appears to know more about the situation already...if that makes sense? Sounds like you've got a great story here though!

 

I think you've misunderstood the query. Ky's double is the threat to Tristan. :)

[Caligulas]

One more time! 

 

I think I've addressed most of what was mentioned. Query is at 281 words with this one. Any quick ways to par down will be cool. I hope this version helps Austin sound like less of an ass, lol. Added a teeny bio line to be cute. I have nothing else to really say. As always, happy to look at anyone's query in return! Just let me know!

 

--

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson only cares about two people in the world, and one of them will soon be dead. Ky’s brother, Tristan, is sent to the ICU due to a strangely aggressive cancer, and life couldn’t be any more of an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky is attacked…by himself. A grey-skinned, alternate reality version of himself that holds him at knifepoint and asks one question:

 

Where is Tristan?

 

When Ky bashes his double’s head with a bat, the double runs and leaves behind an otherworldly metal lump. It quickly becomes Ky’s obsession to the concern of the other person he cares about, his boyfriend Austin. To Austin, the lump is another way for Ky to fixate over Tristan. Another roadblock for the romantic future Ky promised in a faraway city two years ago. Another round of heartache. But Ky’s certain it’ll give him a clue why his double is searching for Tristan, and it does.

 

Briefly, it shows images of countless alternate reality Tristans—all dead, except for Ky’s Tristan who’s next on the list. Suddenly, Tristan’s strange cancer looks more like an interdimensional hit. But with Austin pulling away the more Ky pursues his ‘doppelganger delusions’, Ky’s left with an impossible choice. Find his double to attempt saving Tristan at the risk of losing Austin or move forward with Austin and accept his brother’s death. Lest he end up in a world filled with no one.

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters. This will be my first novel, at least in this universe.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Joysworld]

One more time! 

 

I think I've addressed most of what was mentioned. Query is at 281 words with this one. Any quick ways to par down will be cool. I hope this version helps Austin sound like less of an ass, lol. Added a teeny bio line to be cute. I have nothing else to really say. As always, happy to look at anyone's query in return! Just let me know!

 

--

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson only cares about two people in the world, and one of them will soon be dead. Ky’s brother, Tristan, is sent to the ICU due to a strangely aggressive cancer, and life couldn’t be any more of an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky is attacked…by himself. A grey-skinned, alternate reality version of himself that holds him at knifepoint and asks one question:

 

Where is Tristan?

 

When Ky bashes his double’s head with a bat, the double runs and leaves behind an otherworldly metal lump. It quickly becomes Ky’s obsession to the concern of the other person he cares about, his boyfriend Austin. To Austin, the lump is another way for Ky to fixate over Tristan. Another roadblock for the romantic future Ky promised in a faraway city two years ago. Another round of heartache. But Ky’s certain it’ll give him a clue why his double is searching for Tristan, and it does.

 

Briefly, it shows images of countless alternate reality Tristans—all dead, except for Ky’s Tristan who’s next on the list. Suddenly, Tristan’s strange cancer looks more like an interdimensional hit. But with Austin pulling away the more Ky pursues his ‘doppelganger delusions’,(This sentence doesn't read right. Should it be, The more Austin pulls away, the more Ky pursues his 'doppleganger delusions'? I'm not sure if that's what you are trying to say. Or would it be: As Ky pursues his 'doppelganger delusions,' Austin pulls away and Ky is left an impossible choice.) Ky’s left with an impossible choice. Find his double to attempt saving Tristan at the risk of losing Austin or move forward with Austin and accept his brother’s death. Lest he end up in a world filled with no one.

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters. This will be my first novel, at least in this universe.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[TeaTime]

One more time! 

 

I think I've addressed most of what was mentioned. Query is at 281 words with this one. Any quick ways to par down will be cool. I hope this version helps Austin sound like less of an ass, lol. Added a teeny bio line to be cute. I have nothing else to really say. As always, happy to look at anyone's query in return! Just let me know!

 

--

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson only cares about two people in the world, and one of them will soon be dead. Ky’s brother, Tristan, is sent to the ICU due to a strangely aggressive cancer, and life couldn’t be any more of an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky is attacked…by himself. A grey-skinned, alternate reality version of himself that holds him at knifepoint and asks one question: (This part where the double attacks Ky flows much smoother than the last draft I read, good job)

 

Where is Tristan?

 

When Ky bashes his double’s head with a bat, the double runs and leaves behind an otherworldly metal lump. It quickly becomes Ky’s obsession to the concern of the other person he cares about, his boyfriend Austin. To Austin, the lump is another way for Ky to fixate over Tristan. Another roadblock for the romantic future Ky promised in a faraway city two years ago. Another round of heartache. But Ky’s certain it’ll give him a clue why his double is searching for Tristan, and it does. (Maybe make "And it does." its own sentence)

 

Briefly, it shows images of countless alternate reality Tristans—all dead, except for Ky’s Tristan who’s next on the list. Suddenly, Tristan’s strange cancer looks more like an interdimensional hit ("Interdimensional hit" feels a little slangy). But with Austin pulling away the more Ky pursues his ‘doppelganger delusions’, Ky’s left with an impossible choice. Find his double to attempt saving Tristan at the risk of losing Austin or move forward with Austin and accept his brother’s death. Lest he end up in a world filled with no one. (Nice ending)

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters. This will be my first novel, at least in this universe. (Query Letter articles seem to advise against mentioning when it's your first novel.)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

281 words isn't a bad length, but if you're looking to trim a bit, I would either cut the Austin part to focus on Ky, Tristan, & the double, or cut down on the metal lump details, just focusing on Ky fixating/investigating his doppelganger & then learning that there are alternate reality Tristans & Kys.

 

This is definitely getting better. Keep up the good work   

[yawriter]

One more time! 

 

I think I've addressed most of what was mentioned. Query is at 281 words with this one. Any quick ways to par down will be cool. I hope this version helps Austin sound like less of an ass, lol. Added a teeny bio line to be cute. I have nothing else to really say. As always, happy to look at anyone's query in return! Just let me know!

 

--

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson only cares about two people in the world, and one of them will soon be dead. Ky’s brother, Tristan, is sent to the ICU due to a strangely aggressive cancer, and life couldn’t be any more of an unfair pile of shit. I like the flow, but it's two really long sentences in a row. And you used ", and blah blah" twice in a row. Is there a way to vary the sentence pattern? I'm not sure if you need to "pile of shit" comment because you've already established that 1) he only cares about two people (also you've said who the other person is yet) and 2) it's his brother, which most anyone would have the same feeling. It's a possible way to cut down. Until Ky is attacked…by himself.  I know this goes with the sentence that I cut out, but I didn't understand this sentence anyway...he's attacked? by himself? like beaten? A grey-skinned, alternate reality version of himself that holds him at knifepoint and asks one question:

 

​Just as life couldn't be any more of an unfair pile of shit, a grey-skinned.... (perhaps this is a solution?)

 

Where is Tristan?I personally don't like questions in a query...does this mean he lost his way back to Tristan? Or he's missing from his hospital room? more context please.

 

When Ky bashes his double’s head with a bat, the double runs and leaves behind an otherworldly metal lump. It quickly becomes Ky’s obsession to the concern of the other person he cares about, his boyfriend Austin. To Austin, the lump is another way for Ky to fixate over Tristan​ remember you're supposed to be sticking to Ky's perspective. We shouldn't know what Austin thinks.  . Another roadblock for the romantic future Ky promised in a faraway city two years ago. Another round of heartache. But Ky’s certain it’ll give him a clue why his double is searching for Tristan, and it does.

 

Briefly, it shows images of countless alternate reality where Tristan is always dead... Tristans—all dead, Except for Ky’s Tristan who’s next on the list. Suddenly, Tristan’s strange cancer looks more like an interdimensional hit. But, with Austin pulling away the more Ky pursues his ‘doppelganger delusions’, Ky’s left with an impossible choice. Find his double to attempt saving Tristan at the risk of losing Austin or move forward with Austin and accept his brother’s death. Lest he end up in a world filled with no one. If you're trying to save room like your comment above, that last line uncrossed, would be a great high stakes at the end. Maybe add another sentence after it, but I don't think you need to go in as much detail as you had

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters. This will be my first novel, at least in this universe.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

 I hope this helped! As always, these are just suggestions. You know your book better than me :) Hope this helped!

[kat8]

One more time! 

 

I think I've addressed most of what was mentioned. Query is at 281 words with this one. Any quick ways to par down will be cool. I hope this version helps Austin sound like less of an ass, lol. Added a teeny bio line to be cute. I have nothing else to really say. As always, happy to look at anyone's query in return! Just let me know!

 

--

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson only cares about two people in the world, and one of them will soon be dead.(love it!) Ky’s brother, Tristan, is sent to the ICU due to a strangely (I feel like this is an awkward word choice; it doesn't really add tension or suspense, and is not particularly informative, either) aggressive cancer, and life couldn’t be any more of an unfair pile of shit. Until Ky is attacked…by himself. A grey-skinned (I like this better than corpse-colored!), alternate reality version of himself that holds him at knifepoint and asks one question:

 

Where is Tristan?

 

When Ky bashes his double’s head with a bat, the double runs and leaves behind an otherworldly metal lump. It quickly becomes Ky’s obsession to the concern of the other person he cares about, his boyfriend Austin (awkward sentence; I know you're trying to bring the hook back in, but it reads a little clunky). To Austin, the lump is just another way for Ky to fixate over Tristan (maybe not just, but I think you need a little something to show that Austin is sick of being ignored by Ky, if that's what the issue is). Another roadblock for the romantic future Ky promised in a faraway city two years ago (Very awkward sentence chunk that feels very out of place). Another round of heartache. But Ky’s certain (a little confusing to jump so suddenly from Austin's perspective to Ky's) it’ll give him a clue why his double is searching for Tristan, and it does (sort of anticlimactic; this is a big moment, and I think you'll be able to build it up a little more).

 

Briefly, it shows images of countless alternate reality Tristans—all dead, except for Ky’s Tristan who’s next on the list ('Ky's Tristan' is an awkward way of wording it). Suddenly, Tristan’s strange cancer looks more like an interdimensional hit (hit as in assassination attempt? I'm not sure). But with Austin pulling away the more Ky pursues his ‘doppelganger delusions’, Ky’s Ky is left with an impossible choice: find his double to attempt saving Tristan at the risk of losing Austin or move forward with Austin and accept his brother’s death. Lest he end up in a world filled with no one.

 

Complete at 94,000 words, WHEN I SEE ME is young adult suspense with science fiction elements and LGBT characters. This will be my first novel, at least in this universe.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

I definitely like this draft better than earlier ones!

 

I think it's improving a lot. I think if you really work on the flow and the wording, it will get a lot better. You have all the main parts of the query in there!

 

I would definitely work on streamlining your sentences. I definitely think it can still be shorter. Also, I didn't really like the use of sentence fragments. In some cases, they work, but most of these read as sort of clunky and awkward.

 

Good luck!

[Caligulas]

Sooo. I think this might be my final draft here. I know I can't please everyone though I appreciate all feedback given that's led to the progress my query has made. I haven't let this rest, but I think it might be good enough to launch. Thoughts?

 

Dear Agent McAgent,

 

Seventeen-year-old Ky Abelson only cares about two people in the world, and one of them will soon be dead. When Ky’s brother, Tristan, is sent to the ICU due to a strangely aggressive cancer, life couldn’t get any goddamn worse. Until Ky is attacked…by himself. A grey-skinned, alternate reality version of himself that holds him at knifepoint and asks one question:

 

Where is Tristan?

 

Armed with a bat, Ky’s hearty blow sends his double fleeing through the window. When he leaves behind an otherworldly metal fragment, it quickly becomes Ky’s obsession. Enough that his boyfriend Austin—the second most important person to Ky—is beyond concerned. Austin’s clear about thinking the fragment is another way for Ky to fixate over Tristan. Another roadblock for the romantic future Ky promised in a faraway city. Another, and possibly his last, round of heartache. But Ky’s damn sure the fragment can give him a clue why his double is searching for Tristan. And it does.

 

Briefly, it shows images of countless alternate reality Tristans—all dead. Ky’s Tristan is next on the list, and suddenly, Tristan’s strange cancer is looking more like an interdimensional assassination attempt. Now Ky’s backed into a corner disguised as a choice: Find his double in the vain hope of saving Tristan and risk losing Austin or move forward with Austin and do the unthinkable, accept Tristan’s inevitable death.

 

[bookgirl_kt]

This sounds like a really interesting story and you have a great voice! One thing I will note is that the second paragraph seems to switch from Ky to Austin's POV. If they are both POV characters that might not be a problem, but it's a bit odd if Ky is the only narrator. Also, I think 1 percent of a hint about what's going on with Tristan would be useful. Presumably there's a lot of risk in interfering with whatever powerful being is trying to kill his brother, which is an even more real stake than losing his boyfriend.