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27 CLUB, closed for now. Thank you!

Literary Fiction Fiction

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#21 eric balson

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Posted 23 July 2018 - 12:03 PM

As always, I really appreciate all the help and I'm happy to return the favor!

 

I definitely think the query is improving! The only part I'm still really struggling with is the stakes. I'm not sure if they are specific enough to add a lot of tension, but there isn't a single problem or moment Tyler is reacting to; it's a whole life of shyness, sensitivity, and anxiety that he's reacting to now. I think that's why I'm having a really hard time finding the right words.

 

Also, I think it is clear in this draft, but I just want to make sure that it's very clear that the story alternates between the past and the present. The form plays a big role in the story, and I'm not sure whether I need to state it outright. I tried to fit that in, but it felt really clunky wherever I tried.

 

Thanks!

 

THE NEWEST, #3

 

Twenty-seven-year-old Tyler Grayson is beginning to realize that not even a reads better if it's "the" instead of "a" spotlight can protect him anymore. Not even Consider finding alternative words for "Not even" his guitar is enough to block out the echoes of his parents’ screams, distract him from the absence of the mother he hasn’t seen in nine years, or drown out the suffocating silence of his enormous, empty hotel rooms. Though Tyler is starting his third world tour as the world-famous rock star he has always dreamed of becoming, he finds that the only thing he looks forward to now is the drink waiting for him at the end of each show.

 

Nine-year-old Tyler Grayson is beginning to realize that his hands only stop shaking when they are wrapped around the neck of Grandpa Phil’s too-big guitar. His parents’ fights terrify him, school frustrates him, and the ability to make friends eludes him. But when Tyler is sitting across from Grandpa Phil with a guitar in his lap, lost in chords and harmonies, he can finally forget to be scared of the world outside.

 

As the story of Tyler’s childhood and adolescence unfolds This sounds a bit vague, the reality of his current addiction becomes clear. If Tyler can’t finally admit to himself that music alone is not enough to save him from the fear and the loneliness he’s spent his whole life running from, his growing dependence on alcohol will mean the end to much more than just his career. Your character's choice and the stakes are clearer in this draft.

 

27 CLUB is a work of contemporary fiction, complete at 99,100 words. (personalization)

 

I have included XX below as per submission guidelines. I would be happy to send the finished manuscript upon request.

 

 

 

Seems like a good story, but it seems like it's lacking in plot, like I don't see how it the progression of events moves from A to B. And I get that the story is told from two POV's , but you might want to consider writing from one POV and then mentioning in a sentence or two about the other POV.

 

Hope this helps. Please take a look at my query here (post #95):

http://agentquerycon...o-we-are/page-5



#22 smithgirl

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Posted 24 July 2018 - 11:22 AM

 

Twenty-seven-year-old Tyler Grayson is coming beginning to realize that not even the spotlight can protect him anymore. His beloved Not even his guitar is not enough to block out the echoes of his parents’ screams, distract him from the absence of his the mother he hasn’t seen in nine years, or drown out the suffocating silence of his enormous, empty hotel rooms. Though As he Tyler embarks is starting on a his third world tour as the world-famous rock star he has always dreamed of being becoming, he finds that the only thing he wants looks forward to now is the drink waiting for him at the end of each show.

 

Nine-year-old Tyler Grayson is starting beginning to realize that his hands only stop shaking when they clutch are wrapped around the neck of Grandpa Phil’s too-big guitar. His parents’ fights terrify him, school frustrates him, and the ability to make friends eludes him. But when he Tyler is sitting sits across from Grandpa Phil with a guitar in his lap, lost in chords and harmonies, he can finally forget to be scared of the world outside.

 

As the story of Tyler’s childhood and adolescence unfolds, the reality of his current addiction His addiction is music? Or alcohol? Or drugs? becomes clear. Based on your query, it feels like there are two discrete events that lead so realization, not a continuous process. This sentence is awkward. If Tyler can’t finally admit to himself that music alone is not enough to save him from the fear and the loneliness he’s spent his whole life running from, his growing dependence on alcohol will mean the end to much more than just his career. OK, so it's alcohol.

 

27 CLUB is a work of contemporary fiction, complete at 99,000 words. Round word count.

 

Your query is too wordy. You have so many extra words you just don't need. I went through and marked all the words I think you can cut, or else where you can substitute one word for a phrase. I would also recommend cutting those three-syllable words (like beginning) for a two-syllable word (like starting), to making it tighter.

 

You don't have a hook; I think it would help your query to start with a hook.

 

While the query has a nice mood to it, it's very low on details. Tyler is unhappy, playing the guitar makes him less happy. But what actually happens? Right now your query doesn't really tell a story. It's more of a few tableaux. Also, the second paragraph kind of re-states the first paragraph (he needs the guitar to escape his past). You need your query to move forward.

 

I don't think it's necessary to convey in your query that the book takes place in two time periods. Many books do this, and if the agent reads the book, that will be clear. More important is to convey the details of the story.

 

I hope this doesn't sound too discouraging. The query has a nice feel to it of sadness and fatalism. It just needs more actual story. I would recommend trying to make it more into a story and work at keeping the writing tight. I know this is really hard. Query writing is a special kind of torture. Can you please look at my query when you can? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...ate-in-post-56/

 

 

 

 

 



#23 taylorhale

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Posted 30 July 2018 - 11:56 AM

 

 

THE NEWEST, #3

 

Twenty-seven-year-old Tyler Grayson is beginning to realize that not even a spotlight can protect him anymore. Not even his guitar is enough to block out the echoes of his parents’ screams, distract him from the absence of the mother he hasn’t seen in nine years, or drown out the suffocating silence of his enormous, empty hotel rooms. (Okay so he's a rock star. I'm being nitpicky but just to avoid ANY confusion or doubts, why not call him that right away? Twenty-seven-year-old rock star Tyler Grayson...etc) Though Tyler is starting his third world tour as the world-famous rock star  (if you do choose to call him a rock star initially, change this to musician) he has always dreamed of becoming, he finds that the only thing he looks forward to now is the drink waiting for him at the end of each show. (Actually really like this opening para, well done!)

 

Nine-year-old Tyler Grayson is beginning to realize that his hands only stop shaking when they are wrapped around the neck of Grandpa Phil’s too-big guitar. His parents’ fights terrify him, school frustrates him, and the ability to make friends eludes him. But when Tyler is sitting across from Grandpa Phil with a guitar in his lap, lost in chords and harmonies, he can finally forget to be scared of the world outside. (This is where you lose me. I did read your note about how this takes place in both the past and present, but I think you need to make that more clear 'cause i"m like... wtf, didn't you just say he was twenty-seven? So consider something like this: eighteen years in the past, nine-year-old Tyler is.... Or something like, As Tyler (does whatever), he recounts everything that happened when he was nine leading him to become the addict he is today. Or, Back in the day, all Tyler nine-year-old Tyler cared about was... Something like that lol, hopefully you see what I mean. But you do need to make it clear that the story is being told both in the present and in the past, in my opinion.)

 

As the story of Tyler’s childhood and adolescence unfolds, the reality of his current addiction becomes clear. If Tyler can’t finally admit to himself that music alone is not enough to save him from the fear and the loneliness he’s spent his whole life running from, his growing dependence on alcohol will mean the end to much more than just his career. (I think the stakes are fine, I just wanted more in the second paragraph)

 

27 CLUB is a work of contemporary fiction, complete at 99,100 words. (personalization)

 

I have included XX below as per submission guidelines. I would be happy to send the finished manuscript upon request.

 

 

 

Sorry I'm so late with this critique. I hope my input helps. It sounds like a great story!







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