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YA East African Contemporary Fantasy

Fantasy Multi-Cultural Young Adult Adventure

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#1 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 07 July 2018 - 11:37 AM

GO TO POST #30 FOR CURRENT REVAMP

Note: Thank you so much to anyone who helps me with editing my query letter, it really does mean a lot. As a thank you, I will return the favor and critique others as much as I can. :)

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

I noticed on your Publishers Marketplace page that you represent quite a few young adult books with magical elements. Because of this, I am submitting for your consideration AFRICAN PRIDE, a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East-African Contemporary Fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Tomi Adeyemi’s Legacy of Orisha Series set within modern times.
Karasi Shujaa remembers when her mother told her stories of how the Ngai gods used to walk among the earth, filling it with their magic. From blessing the faithful and cursing the faithless, the gods were always there to watch over the African savannahs and their Children. Chosen as their most beloved and loyal follower, Karasi’s mother is given a unique and secret task. But that secret was forced into the light on the night of her murder at the hands of poachers, leaving Karasi without a mother and the gods without a mlezi.

Selected to fill her mother’s shoes, Karasi struggles with balancing her duties as mlezi and mending her complicated relationship with her father who has turned his back on the gods. When the murderers of her mother steal a sacred lion cub, Karasi is forced to leave her home, and enter a new world that she’s never known to bring it home before the spring solstice. Danger lurks within this new world, from poachers who want her head on a platter to dark creatures on the prowl. But as Karasi hunts for the cub, she begins to realize that greatest danger may be herself, as she struggles to control her powers and her growling feelings for a boy forbidden to her.

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of the leading members of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda. Below are the first ten pages of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
AUTHOR NAME HERE



#2 Sataris

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Posted 07 July 2018 - 02:26 PM

 

Note: Thank you so much to anyone who helps me with editing my query letter, it really does mean a lot. As a thank you, I will return the favor and critique others as much as I can. :)
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],
 
I noticed on your Publishers Marketplace page that you represent quite a few young adult books with magical elements. Because of this, I am submitting for your consideration AFRICAN PRIDE, a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East-African Contemporary Fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Tomi Adeyemi’s Legacy of Orisha Series set within modern times.
 
Always some disagreement on where this should go, but personally I'd cut the first two lines and stick your comps at the end.
 
Karasi Shujaa remembers when her mother told her stories of how the Ngai gods used to walk among the earth, filling it with their magic. From blessing the faithful and to cursing the faithless, the gods were always there to watch over the African savannahs and their Children no caps. Chosen as their most beloved and loyal follower the way this break is structured makes us think that Karasi is the follower until we're told otherwsie, Karasi’s mother is given a unique and secret task I think you want details here if you're going to mention it—we dont have any background on what the secret entails, so it just feels a bit vague. But that secret was forced into the light on the night - awk of her murder at the hands of poachers, leaving Karasi without a mother and the gods without a mlezi. caps for this one
 
It might be more powerful if you started with something like "when Karasi's mother dies, she must take her place as X." Starting with the MC reminiscing/giving background seems to be delaying the character stuff a bit too much to be hooky 
 
Selected to fill her mother’s shoes, Karasi struggles with balancing her duties as mlezi and mending her complicated relationship with her father who has turned his back on the gods. this seems interesting but ultimately secondary to the job she has to do When the murderers of her mother steal a sacred lion cub, Karasi is forced to leave her home, and enter a new world that she’s never known to bring it home before the spring solstice or X will happen. Danger lurks within this new world, from poachers who want her head on a platter why do they want her dead? to dark creatures on the prowl supernatural or?. But as Karasi hunts for the cub, she begins to realize that greatest danger may be herself, as she struggles to control her powers what powers exactly? and her growling feelings for a boy forbidden to her. this seems like it needs to be worked in earlier to really grab our attention, 
 
I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of the leading members of their Teen Fiction department. I'd personally only list Wattpad if you've won their awards/hit high reader metrics/you have an established fanbase there. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda For what it's worth, i did a quick search and I couldn't find any books at After Hours  listed under your pen names - I don't doubt that you've published with them, but an agent might be skeptical if they aren't listed (and they will probably look into these books/sales numbers). I could have just missed it though. I did find some kindle books on Amazon under EV Evergreen, but those are the sorts of books you only want to draw attention to if your sales numbers are impressive (again hinting at an established reader base). Your numbers very well may be worth talking about, but figured id mention it just in case. Below are the first ten pages of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. #ownvoices?
 
Sincerely,
AUTHOR NAME HERE

 

I think this is a good start for your query-for the next draft, I'd try to focus in on what exactly she has to do, and what's going to happen if she fails. Currently the main plot line is reading like this:

 

Mother dies, MC forced to replace her (though we don't know what her exact duties are)

Murderers steal a cub, MC must venture into a new land to get it back (we could use details on what will happen if she fails here, and possibly what she'll have to give up to succeed)

 

so it's a little thin right now; if you're going to include the love interest, does he have a hand in what she has to do? will getting the cub back require hurting him or betraying her gods? etc

 

I hope that was helpful! best of luck.


No current query.


#3 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 07 July 2018 - 03:05 PM

Thabks so much for your suggestions, I already can see what you mean and will make the revisions when I can. After Hours publications is a small press (my time with them was a mixture of highs and lows.... very low lows....) but other then that I dont hav anything about myself, other then that I'm a college student. I did a quick "ask a agent" a while ago, and they said anything writing related is kinda ok, but if it's not big or anything, just simply it. That goes with the Wattpad thing too, it's not much, but it shows I know a little bit of the YA market.

Other then that, Cabot wait to get to work on revisions.

I think this is a good start for your query-for the next draft, I'd try to focus in on what exactly she has to do, and what's going to happen if she fails. Currently the main plot line is reading like this:

Mother dies, MC forced to replace her (though we don't know what her exact duties are)
Murderers steal a cub, MC must venture into a new land to get it back (we could use details on what will happen if she fails here, and possibly what she'll have to give up to succeed)

so it's a little thin right now; if you're going to include the love interest, does he have a hand in what she has to do? will getting the cub back require hurting him or betraying her gods? etc

I hope that was helpful! best of luck.



#4 W.P.

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Posted 08 July 2018 - 06:27 AM

Karasi Shujaa remembers when her mother told her stories of how the Ngai gods used to walk among the earth, filling it with their magic. From blessing the faithful and cursing the faithless, the gods were always there to watch over the African savannahs and their Children. Chosen as their most beloved and loyal follower, Karasi’s mother is given a unique and secret task. But that secret was forced into the light on the night of her murder at the hands of poachers, leaving Karasi without a mother and the gods without a mlezi. ((I feel like it could start stronger. The conflict and stakes are clear and the premise very interesting, but too much of the beginning is unnecessary exposition. We don't need to know all that much in the query. everything between "used to walk among" and "the gods were always there" is not needed and its removal would seriously improve the flow of the query. Also, queries should be as active as possible, so starting it with "Karasi remembers" makes it very passive. My suggestion is to go to the core of the story right away. I think all we need to know is that Karasi's mother had been given by the Ngai gods a secret task, but after her murder at the hands of poachers, Karasi is to take her mother's place and her duty as mlezi. Which can easily be condensed into one sentence. the rest of the details are book-details. not meant for the query.))

 
Selected to fill her mother’s shoes, Karasi struggles with balancing her duties as mlezi and mending her complicated relationship with her father who has turned his back on the gods. When the murderers of her mother steal a sacred lion cub, Karasi is forced to leave her home, and enter a new world ((what world? I'm very confused)) that she’s never known to bring it home before the spring solstice. Danger lurks within this new world, from poachers who want her head on a platter to dark creatures on the prowl. But as Karasi hunts for the cub, she begins to realize that the greatest danger may be herself, as she struggles to control her powers and her growling ((growing? if it's a pun I'm not sure it works)) feelings for a boy forbidden to her. ((Not sure about ending it with romance. the whole query was about family and the gods, and now it ends on a boy we never heard of? sounds very odd to me. You were promising one story and now are hinting at another genre. Maybe mention the boy or her feelings earlier so it doesn't come out of the blue?))
 
 
​Hi! What an interesting premise. :) Definitely enjoyed your query, but I do think the first paragraph could be condensed and the second one further explained. 
 
 
If you had the time, could you please take a look at my query as well? http://agentquerycon...ntasy/?p=357968


#5 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 08 July 2018 - 12:04 PM

Revamp: #1
Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],
 
After poachers kill Karasi Shujaa's mother, she is selected by the Ngai gods to become their new mlezi. Now her life consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, and trying to make her 9 PM curfew. When a sacred lion cub is stolen, Karasi is ordered to bring it home, but things get complicated when her father sees her using her powers and sends her away to live with her grandparents. 
 
Although forced into the role of the all-American teenager, she is haunted by dreams of the destruction that will come if the cub isn’t returned by the spring solstice. Running away from her grandparents’ house, Karasi’s travels take her to the black markets of San Francisco, Shanghai, and finally back home. Karasi realizes that the greatest danger may be herself, as she struggled to control her powers and her growling feelings for a boy forbidden to her.
 
AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word East-African YA Contemporary Fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Tomi Adeyemi’s Legacy of Orisha Series, set within modern times.
 
I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of the leading members of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda. Below are the first ten pages of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
AUTHOR NAME HERE
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
NOTES
I am conflicted on changing my writing background. I did an #Askanagent not long ago, and they said that since this won't be my "writting carrer debut" I should write about any writing background that I have. Although my numbers at After Hours weren't good, they suggested I still write it or else I might be considered 'lying' with my background. I also kept that I am apart of the Teen Fiction department on Wattpad because it has a userbase in the double-digit millions. Other then those two things I don't really have anything intresting about myself and I didn't want to leave that blank. 


#6 gigigriffis

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Posted 10 July 2018 - 02:49 AM

Notes below - and good luck! This sounds interesting. 

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],
 
After poachers kill Karasi Shujaa's mother, she is selected by the Ngai gods to become their new mlezi. (Love this first line! But what's a mlezi? I think we need to know right away.) Now her life consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, and trying to make her 9 PM curfew. (This is great!) When a sacred lion cub is stolen, Karasi is ordered to bring it home, but things get complicated when her father sees her using her powers and sends her away to live with her grandparents in [place]
 
Although forced into the role of the all-American teenager (Oh, was she sent to America? I'd definitely add this at the end of the last paragraph.), she is haunted by dreams of the destruction that will come if the cub isn’t returned by the spring solstice. Running away from her grandparents’ house, Karasi’s travels take her to the black markets of San Francisco, Shanghai, and finally back home [to where exactly?]. Karasi realizes that the greatest danger may be herself, as she struggles to control her powers and her growling feelings for a boy forbidden to her. [Hmm, not sure you need the boy here - I feel like it introduces more questions for me than answers.] [I think the only thing missing here is the final stakes - how specifically is she her own greatest danger? What choice does she have to make/conflict does she have to face to get the lion cub back?]
 
AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word East-African YA Contemporary Fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Tomi Adeyemi’s Legacy of Orisha Series, set within modern times.
 
I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of the leading members of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pen names E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda. Below are the first ten pages of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. [This all sounds good! I know you were concerned about the bio, but it reads well.]
 
Sincerely,
AUTHOR NAME HERE

Will you take a peek at my query?

 

Sincerely,

 

Gigi Griffis

Copywriter, Content Strategist, & Travel Guide Author

Blog  /  Website  /  Facebook  /  Twitter


#7 NCruz

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Posted 10 July 2018 - 03:40 PM



 

Revamp: #1
Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],
 
After poachers kill Karasi Shujaa's mother, she is selected by the Ngai gods to become their new mlezi.[Interesting, but I don't think most people will know what a mlezi is.] Now her life consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, and trying to make her 9 PM curfew. When a sacred lion cub is stolen, Karasi is ordered to bring it home, but things get complicated when her father sees her using her powers and sends her away to live with her grandparents. [What's wrong with using her powers? Maybe add a little tidbit about why this is such a bad thing.]
 
Although forced into the role of the all-American teenager[Where was she before America?], she is haunted by dreams of the destruction that will come if the cub isn’t returned by the spring solstice. Running away from her grandparents’ house, Karasi’s travels take her to the black markets of San Francisco, Shanghai, and finally back home. Karasi realizes that the greatest danger may be herself, as she struggled to control her powers and her growling feelings for a boy forbidden to her.[Interesting, but I feel like something's missing. Are her powers bad? Why is there a forbidden boy? If you only mention him once, then you don't need to mention him at all in the query.]
 
AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word East-African YA Contemporary Fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Tomi Adeyemi’s Legacy of Orisha Series, set within modern times.[Add one more comp.]
 
I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of the leading members of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda. Below are the first ten pages of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
AUTHOR NAME HERE
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
NOTES
I am conflicted on changing my writing background. I did an #Askanagent not long ago, and they said that since this won't be my "writting carrer debut" I should write about any writing background that I have. Although my numbers at After Hours weren't good, they suggested I still write it or else I might be considered 'lying' with my background. I also kept that I am apart of the Teen Fiction department on Wattpad because it has a userbase in the double-digit millions. Other then those two things I don't really have anything intresting about myself and I didn't want to leave that blank. [I don't think you need to include sales numbers unless the agent asks. Mention you're published, that's it.]

 



#8 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 23 July 2018 - 10:51 AM

REVAMP #2

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

Raised as untamed as the African savannahs, seventeen-year-old Karasi Shujaa adored her mother. But after her mother is murdered, Karasi discovers her secret life as the protector of their tribe: the Mlezi. Chosen as her successor by the gods and blessed with the magic to mimic to powers of animals; Karasi’s life now consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, and trying to make her 9 PM curfew.

When a sacred lion cub is stolen by a syndicate known as the Black Hand, it endangers the source of Karasi’s magic and her connection to the gods. But before she can stage a rescue, Karasi’s father sees her using her powers and forces her to leave Kenya, sending her to live with her grandparents in Washington D.C. Haunted by dreams of the destruction that will come at the hands of the gods if the cub isn’t returned by the spring solstice, Karasi runs away. As it nears and her connection to the gods’ magic begins to diminish, Karasi refuses to cease in her duty to both save the cub and the magic of her tribe. She is determined to fight for what she views as her birthright, even if it kills her.

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word East-African YA Fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Sarah J Maas’sThrone of Glass Series and Tomi Adeyemi’s Legacy of Orisha Series, set within modern times.

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of the leading members of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda. Below are the first ten pages of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

AUTHOR NAME HERE

#9 Bibliophyl

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Posted 23 July 2018 - 07:32 PM

(I didn't read your previous versions so as to come at it fresh!)

 

Raised as untamed as the African savannahs [the phrasing is a little awkward to me...can't think of a good way to fix it though, might just be me], seventeen-year-old Karasi Shujaa adored her mother.[if she's raised untamed it sounds like her mother isn't really around...maybe "Karasi adored her mother, who allowed her to grow up as untamed as the African savannahs..." just a thought!]  But after her mother is murdered, Karasi discovers her secret life as the protector of their tribe: the Mlezi. Chosen as her mother's successor by the gods and blessed with the magic to mimic to  the powers of animals; Karasi’s life now consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, and trying to make her 9 PM curfew. [I feel like you could streamline this whole paragraph a bit if you wanted to cut down the word count. "When Karasi's mother is is murdered, Karasi must assume her mother's place as the protector of their tribe..." OK that's not very good, but hopefully you get what I was going for.]

When a sacred lion cub is stolen by a syndicate known as the Black Hand, it endangers the source of Karasi’s magic and her connection to the gods. But before she can stage a rescue, Karasi’s father sees her using her powers and forces her to leave Kenya, sending her to live with her grandparents in Washington D.C. [why? his motivation would strengthen this] Haunted by dreams of the destruction that will come at the hands of the gods if the cub isn’t returned by the spring solstice [this is very wordy], Karasi runs away. As it [what?] nears and her connection to the gods’ magic begins to diminish, Karasi refuses to cease [maybe "refuses to abandon her duty"] in her duty to both save the cub and the magic of her tribe. She is determined to fight for what she views as her birthright, even if it kills her.

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word East-African YA Fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Sarah J Maas’sThrone of Glass Series and Tomi Adeyemi’s Legacy of Orisha Series, set within modern times.

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of the leading members of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda. Below are the first ten pages of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Overall this sounds super interesting! The query is a bit wordy in spots but that's easy to fix. I hope I was helpful!



#10 Tyokunbo

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Posted 24 July 2018 - 11:23 AM

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

Raised as untamed as the African savannahs, seventeen-year-old Karasi Shujaa adored her mother. (Why did she adore her mother? Was it because she was the protector of the tribe? Why doesn't she adore her father? Was there no conflict between her father and mother as she carried out her role as the protector of the tribe?)  But after her mother is murdered (Murdered by who? The Black Hand?), Karasi discovers her secret life as the protector of their tribe: the Mlezi. (How does she discover her secret life? Why didn't she know about it before?) Chosen as her successor by the gods and blessed with the magic to mimic to powers of animals; Karasi’s life now consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, and trying to make her 9 PM curfew.

When a sacred lion cub is stolen by a syndicate known as the Black Hand, it endangers the source of Karasi’s magic and her connection to the gods. But before she can stage a rescue, Karasi’s father sees her using her powers and forces her to leave Kenya, sending her to live with her grandparents in Washington D.C. (Why is her father just becoming aware of this activity? Was Karesi previously carrying out her duty in secret) Haunted by dreams of the destruction that will come at the hands of the gods if the cub isn’t returned by the spring solstice, Karasi runs away. As it nears and her connection to the gods’ magic begins to diminish, Karasi refuses to cease in her duty to both save the cub (How does she save the cub? I thought it had been stolen by the syndicate)  and the magic of her tribe. She is determined to fight for what she views as her birthright, (Is it a birthright or a duty to protect the tribe?) even if it kills her.(Who wants to kill her? The Black Hand?)

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word East-African YA Fantasy novel that will appeal to fans of Sarah J Maas’sThrone of Glass Series and Tomi Adeyemi’s Legacy of Orisha Series, set within modern times.

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of the leading members of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda. Below are the first ten pages of my manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

AUTHOR NAME HERE

 

 

 

 

 

I like that you revised the first version of the query. It sounded similar to the back copy on Adeyemi's book.

Could you focus more on the Black Hand and Karesi's father as sources of conflict?

For instance, what does her father want. What does The Black Hand want?

I like the premise of the book.

 

Could you kindly look at my query at the link below?

http://agentquerycon...pic/38912-kari/



#11 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 27 July 2018 - 12:05 PM

REVAMP #3

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace marks seventeen-year-old Karasi Shujaa as a Mlezi, the protector of her tribe—the Ngai. Blessed by the gods with the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi’s life consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, while also trying to make her 9 PM curfew. But Karasi is haunted by the knowledge that her appointment only came at the heels of her mother’s murder

 

It doesn’t help either that in keeping her powers a secret, a strain has been placed on the relationship between Karasi and her father. A Ngai man who doesn’t believe in the gods or magic, all he sees is the same obsession that led to the murder of his wife and fears the same fate for his daughter.

 

 

When a sacred lion cub is stolen by a poaching syndicate, it endangers Karasi’s connection to the gods. The source of her magic. Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself unexpectedly ripped from Africa and shipped to live with her grandparents on the other side of the world by her father. But when Karasi discovers why the cub was stolen and has a chance to restore her diminishing magic, she will risk everything for it. Even if it might mean revealing her secret, abandoning her dream life with the boy she loves and facing the murderers of her mother.

 

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a non-western setting, a biracial and bisexual heroine; and will appeal of readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.

 

 

The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

AUTHOR NAME HERE



#12 AReadingRedSox

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Posted 27 July 2018 - 01:12 PM

REVAMP #3

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace marks seventeen-year-old Karasi Shujaa as a Mlezi, the protector of her tribe, the Ngai. Blessed by the gods with the ability to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi’s life consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits...while still trying to make her 9 PM curfew. But Karasi is still haunted by the knowledge that her appointment in the tribe only came because of her mother’s murder. And it doesn’t help that in keeping her powers a secret, a strain has been placed on the relationship between Karasi and her father,  Ngai man who doesn’t believe in the gods or magic. I'm a little confused on the world building here, which is going to be huge with a high fantasy novel. Is this modern-day? Is magic widespread, or is it something that few people have/believe in? 

 

But when a sacred lion cub is stolen by a poaching syndicate, it endangers Karasi’s connection to the gods. How? The source of her magic. Before she can rescue the cub, Karasi finds herself unexpectedly ripped from Africa and shipped to live with her grandparents on the other side of the world by her father. Why? But when Karasi discovers why the cub was stolen and has a chance to restore her diminishing magic, she will risk everything for it. Even if it might mean revealing her secret, abandoning her dream life with the boy she loves, and facing the murderers of her mother.

 

 

 

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a non-western setting, a biracial and bisexual heroineand will appeal of readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.

 

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.

 

 

The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

 

AUTHOR NAME HERE

 
This sounds super interesting! Overall, just iron a couple of things out, and you've really got something! If you're interested, you can critique my query here: http://agentquerycon...ry-golden-hour/


#13 JessicaCohen

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Posted 29 July 2018 - 09:57 PM

My first thoughts upon reading your query are 1) it's a bit too long and 2) the main problem your character is trying to solve takes a little too long to come up. You really need to start with it, so here's what I'm recommending. (I avidly read queryshark, so I'm basing a lot of what I know on that.)

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace marks seventeen-year-old Karasi Shujaa as a Mlezi, the protector of her tribe—the Ngai. Blessed by the gods with the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi’s life consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, while also trying to make her 9 PM curfew. But Karasi is haunted by the knowledge that her appointment only came at the heels of her mother’s murder

 

It doesn’t help either that in keeping her powers a secret, a strain has been placed on the relationship between Karasi and her father. A Ngai man who doesn’t believe in the gods or magic, all he sees is the same obsession that led to the murder of his wife and fears the same fate for his daughter.

 

 

Kasari is the Mlezi, the god-chosen protector of her tribe with the magic to mimic the powers of animals. When a sacred lion cub, the source of her magic, is stolen by a poaching syndicate, it endangers her Karasi’s connection to the gods. The source of her magic. Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself unexpectedly ripped from Africa and shipped to live with her grandparents on the other side of the world by her estranged father, who still blames Mlezi magic for her mother's death. But when Karasi discovers why the cub was stolen and has a chance to restore her diminishing magic, she will risk everything to get it back. for it. Even if it might mean revealing her secret, abandoning her dream life with the boy she loves, and facing her mother's murderers. the murderers of her mother. Things get a little confusing when she's taken from Africa, because it's not specified whether the stolen cub actually is, so you might want to fuss with that for clarity's sake.

 

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a non-western setting, a biracial and bisexual heroine; and will appeal of readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.

 

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda. Nice specs!

 

 

The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines. I've read from quite a few agents that it's unnecessary to point this out and just makes your query look longer. It's a given that they require it, you don't need it here, because they'll know to look. :)

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.



#14 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 04 August 2018 - 11:18 AM

REVAMP #4

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace marks seventeen-year old Karasi as the Mlezi, the god-chosen protector of her tribe—the Ngai. With the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi’s life consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, while also trying to make her 9 PM curfew.

 

When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, it endangers Karasi’s connection to her gods. Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself unexpectedly ripped from Africa and shipped to live with her grandparents on the other side of the world by her estranged father. A man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi’ll fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed.

 

But when Karasi discovers why the cub was stolen and has a chance to restore her diminishing magic, she will risk everything to get them back. Even if it might mean revealing her secret, abandoning her dream life with the boy she loves and facing her mother’s murderers.

 

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a non-western setting, a biracial and bisexual heroine; and will appeal of readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.

 

The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

AUTHOR NAME HERE



#15 W.P.

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Posted 04 August 2018 - 11:57 AM

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace marks seventeen-year old Karasi as the Mlezi, the god-chosen protector of her tribe—the Ngai. With the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi’s life consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, while also trying to make her 9 PM curfew. ((great hook!))

 

When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, it endangers Karasi’s connection to her gods. Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself unexpectedly ripped from Africa and shipped to live with her grandparents on the other side of the world by her estranged father. A man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi’ll fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed.

 

But when Karasi discovers why the cub was stolen and has a chance to restore her diminishing magic, she will risk everything to get them back. Even if it might mean revealing her secret, abandoning her dream life with the boy she loves and facing her mother’s murderers. ((wow! so much better! I remember reading this query in its initial state and the change is amazing. Great job! The query is looking so good. The only thing that I think can be improved is the stakes in the last sentence. I feel like the stakes aren't specific enough. What will happen if her secret is revealed? Who is this boy? In this version you haven't mentioned him. so it's a bit jarring. also, although facing her mother's murderes should be considered a stake, due to the amount f revenge stories, it doesn't read like a stake but like a good thing that finally happened. the real stake is that those murderers might murder her too. Even you make the stakes specific and clear enough, this query will be just right!))

 

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a non-western setting, ((implied and redundant)) a biracial and bisexual heroine; and will appeal of ((to?)) readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. Previously, I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.

 

The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.

 

 

Great! This query is close to its perfect form. :) I'm sure you'll be getting plenty of requests from this query. Great stuff. I really hope this helps. :)

 

If you could take a look at my query as well, I'd be very thankful. http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=358512



#16 trickster71

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Posted 05 August 2018 - 04:41 PM


 

Rachael~ This sounds interesting!

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace marks seventeen-year old Karasi as the Mlezi, the god-chosen protector of her African tribe—the Ngai. With the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi hunts poachers, fights dark spirits, and struggles to make her 9 PM curfew.  Karasi’s life consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, while also trying to make her 9 PM curfew. I thought this needed to be tightened up a bit and deleted the foreign names because it's just too much. You want your query to be clear and concise. Her official title and tribe name aren't important here. 

 

When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, it endangers Karasi’s connection to her gods. Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself unexpectedly ripped from Africa and shipped off  to live with her grandparents on the other side of the world by her estranged father. A man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi’ll fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed.This seems kind of thrown in there. I didn't know her mother died, and what obsession got her killed?

 

But when Karasi discovers why the cub was stolen and has a chance to restore her diminishing magic, she will risk everything to get them backWeird sentence.  Even if it might mean revealing her secret, abandoning her dream life with the boy she loves and facing her mother’s murderers. What secret? Where did the love interest come from? Murderers? You only said she was killed?

 

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a non-western setting, a biracial and bisexual heroine; and will appeal of readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.

 

The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Remember that even though you have revised this several times and many members on this page "know" the story, the agent does not -- she only reads it once, and this version is confusing … :) Keep at it and good luck!


Want a more in-depth critique/edit of your query, synopsis, or MS?

Contact me at:  refugeforwriters.com

 


#17 smithgirl

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Posted 06 August 2018 - 09:01 AM

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace marks seventeen-year-old Karasi as the Mlezi, the god-chosen protector of her tribe.—the Ngai. With the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi’s life consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, while also trying to make her 9 PM curfew.

 

Good hook! Nice images. I would cut the Ngai; it never comes up again and you already have the Mlezi as a foreign word. Also, it should be mark, not markS.

 

When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, it endangers Karasi’s connection to her gods is endangered. Rephrase to clarify it in this next sentence. Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself unexpectedly ripped from Africa and shipped to live with her grandparents on the other side of the world by her estranged father. As a man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi’ll will fall into the same obsession got her mother murdered killed. I see you're adding the reason why Karasi was pulled away, but the "obsession" and "killed" are so vague and beg so many questions. And it makes me wonder if her mother killed herself (because she had an obsession). I see below that her mother was murdered, so I would write that instead of killed. By how does an obsession lead to her murder?

 

But when Karasi discovers why the cub was stolen and has a chance to restore her diminishing magic, she will risk everything to get them back. Even if it might mean revealing her secret, What secret? That she has powers? abandoning her dream life with the boy she loves What boy? and facing her mother’s murderers. Up until now, the query was really good, but the last paragraph is too vague and generic. It also adds to much information--what boy? Her mother's killers? We knew her mother was killed, but not that she was murdered. 

 

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a non-western setting, a biracial and bisexual heroine; It would help if you could show in the query that she's bisexual. and will appeal of readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.

 

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.

 

Your query starts really well, but then it begins to get lost. Things get confusing when you get into the obsession and her mother's killing, which have no obvious connection. In the final paragraph, you toss in her dream life with a boy she loves, but so far we have no idea there is a love interest in the story. You need to concentrate on the the most essential elements of your query. I'm not sure you need to include the love story here; you can focus on finding there murderers, clarify the connection between the obsession and her mother's murder.

 

What you have is well written, and your story sounds interesting. You just need to get your query more focussed. Good luck! Can you please review my query when you can? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...-post-81/page-5



#18 jpfranco

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Posted 06 August 2018 - 06:31 PM

 

REVAMP #4

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace marks seventeen-year old Karasi as the Mlezi, the god-chosen protector of her tribe—the Ngai. With the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi’s life consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, while also trying to make her 9 PM curfew. When I think tribe, I think of a tribal lifestyle: hunting, gathering, living communally, not even necessarily marking time. Is she living a modern lifestyle? Where is this? The only sense of setting I get is Africa, and that's only due to the presence of a lion cub and the mention of east Africa later in the query. 

 

When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, I do wonder what poachers want with a lion cub it endangers Karasi’s connection to her gods. This is super interesting, but brings up some questions. Maybe they aren't meant to be answered here, but I have to wonder how the gods hooked her up with the cub, and if the lion is wild, or what? Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself unexpectedly ripped from Africa and shipped to live with her grandparents on the other side of the world by her estranged father. That sucks. A man He who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, and he fears Karasi’ll fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed. If he's estranged, I wonder how he even knows what's going on with her, and how he manages to send her back. Again, maybe that doesn't get answered here, but I wonder. 

 

But when Karasi discovers why the cub was stolen and has a chance to restore her diminishing magic, she will risk everything to get them back. Even if it might mean revealing her secret, abandoning her dream life with the boy she loves and facing her mother’s murderers. What boy? What murderers? This is the first we've heard of them. That threw me for a loop. 

 

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a non-western setting, a biracial and bisexual heroine; and will appeal of readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.

 

The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

AUTHOR NAME HERE

 

Your story sounds interesting, but I think we need more on what happened to her mother if her mother's killers are part of the stakes.  You could leave the boy out entirely if you need the space in your query, since he only came up at the end. He may be a big part of the book, but you still might have to leave him out if you just don't have room in your query. There's stakes there without him, big ones: her magic and her cub. She's the protector of her tribe, that seems really important. It says she'll 'risk everything' but you've got to be more specific. Has she built a life on the other side of the world with her grandparents? How will she get back to Africa from halfway around the world? That seems like a tall order for a young lady. Another huge question which I do think needs to be answered: If her father is estranged, her mother is dead, and her grandparents are on the other side of the planet, who raised her? And at seventeen, isn't she old enough to refuse to be sent away? Who makes her go? You could do with just hints, a sentence or two to show us. 

 

Keep hacking away at this query thing, it's a monster all it's own. I think your story sounds interesting. I don't know if you need to play up all the diversity there at the end, let it stand on it's own as part of the story, and only state it if you are querying an agent who is specifically seeking material featuring bisexual characters. 

 



#19 Kjcloutier19

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 12:55 AM

 

 

 

REVAMP #4

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace marks seventeen-year old Karasi as the Mlezi, the god-chosen protector of her tribe—the Ngai. With the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi’s life consists of hunting poachers, fighting dark spirits, while also trying to make her 9 PM curfew. (This is an amazing hook! Although, I was a little thrown off by the 9PM curfew. I was picturing her in a tribe outside, not in the suburbs going to high school. Why does she have a curfew?)

 

When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, it endangers Karasi’s connection to her gods. Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself unexpectedly ripped from Africa and shipped to live with her grandparents on the other side of the world by her estranged father. A man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi’ll fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed. (Did not see this coming - but why is the father allowed to do this? I don't know if that's a question you can really answer in the query, but it's the question I'm still left with) 

 

But when Karasi discovers why the cub was stolen and has a chance to restore her diminishing magic, she will risk everything to get them back. Even if it might mean revealing her secret, abandoning her dream life with the boy she loves and facing her mother’s murderers. (I am intrigued by all of this, but I think it's a little vague to really move me. Is she doing this where-ever she is shipped to - which is where even? - or does she go back to Africa? Who is this boy? Why does she have to face the murderers? Again, I don't know if all these questions have to be answered, but at least a few I think would be helpful) 

 

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a non-western setting, a biracial and bisexual heroine; and will appeal of readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone. (I immediately thought of Childreen of Blood and Bone as I was reading your query) 

 

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.

 

The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

AUTHOR NAME HERE

 

 

Your hook is awesome! And your query is well done too, but as I mentioned I think the ending is a little too vague. It doesn't quite pack the emotional punch it should because it's missing a few too many details I think. The curfew thing still also throws me off lol Really well done, and best of luck! With just a little tweaking, I think you have it!  

If you could have a look at my query, I'd greatly appreciate it :)

 

http://agentquerycon...zon-ya-fantasy/



#20 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 10:30 PM

REVAMP # 5

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace mark seventeen-year old Karasi Shujaa as the Mlezi, the god-chosen protector of her tribe in Nairobi, Kenya. With the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi hunts poachers, fights dark spirits, and struggles to make her 9 PM curfew. Yet Karasi is haunted by the knowledge that it was the event of her mother’s murder that gained her this position.

 

Duty bound in keeping her powers a secret, when she’s not kicking butt and taking names Karasi finds peace in the animal sanctuary where her mother used to work. But when a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, Karasi’s connection to her gods is endangered. Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself shipped off to live with her grandparents in Washington D.C. by her father. A man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi will fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed.

 

With Karasi on the other side of the world, the Syndicate believes they are safe to steal her tribe's magic. They’re wrong. Although her magic is diminishing by the hour Karasi will fight for what she views as her birthright: the power of the Mlezi.

 

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a biracial and bisexual heroine and will appeal to readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.

 

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.

 

The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

AUTHOR NAME HERE







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