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YA East African Contemporary Fantasy

Fantasy Multi-Cultural Young Adult Adventure

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#21 taylorhale

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Posted 08 August 2018 - 08:28 AM

 

REVAMP # 5

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace mark seventeen-year old Karasi Shujaa as the Mlezi, the god-chosen protector of her tribe in Nairobi, Kenya. (I like this! I think it's a little wordy for an opening but it works for me) With the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi hunts poachers, fights dark spirits, and struggles to make her 9 nine PM curfew. Yet But Karasi is haunted by the knowledge that it was the event of her mother’s murder that gained her this position. (I think this can be punchier. Something like: But Karasi is haunted. For it was her mother's murder that gained her this position)

 

Duty bound in keeping her powers a secret,(it seemed like she was in the public eye for sure) when she’s not kicking butt fighting crime (kicking butt doesn't match the previous tone of your query at all) and taking names, Karasi finds peace in the animal sanctuary where her mother used to work. But when a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, Karasi’s connection to her gods is endangered. Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself shipped off to live with her grandparents in Washington D.C. by her father. A man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi will fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed. (I wonder if you can tighten this up. I don't think you need to mention her powers being a secret, or repeat the information about her fighting people, or include where she finds peace. It might be stronger IMO to start with the lion cub, her powers being endangered, then the D.C. stuff. Feels more to the point. Also, it wasn't clear before this that an obsession is what got her mother killed, so maybe clarify that sooner if you can.)

 

With Karasi on the other side of the world, the Syndicate believes they are safe to steal her tribe's magic. They’re wrong. Although her magic is diminishing by the hour Karasi will fight for what she views as her birthright: the power of the Mlezi. (I like the stakes but I think we need more. What will she do to fight back? Catch a flight from D.C.? I also think it would be good to include something about what she does in D.C. Does she go to school? Have to blend in with an American society? Or does she just live there and try to think of ways to get home?)

 

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a biracial and bisexual heroine and will appeal to readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.

 

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. (Ayyy I'm on Wattpad too. But don't mention this in your query. It's irrelevant. Unless Wattpad is submitting your MS to an actual publisher i.e HarperCollins, then I wouldn't even mention you're writing on the website in your query) Previously, I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.

 

The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

AUTHOR NAME HERE

 

I think this story sounds really cool! Just need some clarity/more information in certain spots and I think you'll be good.

 

Would you mind taking a look at my query if you have time? :) http://agentquerycon...it-in-dual-pov/



#22 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 09 August 2018 - 08:24 PM

REVAMP #6

 

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace mark seventeen-year old Karasi Shujaa as the Mlezi, the god-chosen protector of her tribe in Nairobi, Kenya. With the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi hunts poachers, fights dark spirits, and struggles to make her nine PM curfew. But Karasi is haunted. For it was her mother's murder that gained her this position.

 

When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, Karasi’s connection to her gods is endangered. Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself shipped off to live with her grandparents in Los Angeles by her father. A man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi will fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed.

 

With Karasi on the other side of the world, the Syndicate believes they are safe to steal her tribe's magic. They’re wrong. Refusing to conform in California and although her magic is diminishing by the hour, Karasi will fight for what she views as her birthright: the power of the Mlezi.

 

AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a biracial and bisexual heroine and will appeal to readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.

 

I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. Previously I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.

 

The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Sincerely,

AUTHOR NAME HERE



#23 Wayfarer

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Posted 10 August 2018 - 10:41 AM

 

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace mark seventeen-year old Karasi Shujaa as the Mlezi, the god-chosen protector of her tribe in Nairobi, Kenya. With the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi hunts poachers, fights dark spirits, and struggles to make her nine PM curfew. But Karasi is haunted. For it was her mother's murder that gained her this position.

 

When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, Karasi’s connection to her gods is endangered. Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself shipped off to live with her grandparents in Los Angeles by her father. A man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi will fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed.

 

With Karasi on the other side of the world, the Syndicate believes they are safe to steal her tribe's magic. They’re wrong. Refusing to conform in California and although her magic is diminishing by the hour, Karasi will fight for what she views as her birthright: the power of the Mlezi.

This feels choppy to me. I do understand the character, plot, and stakes, but the fluidity of point to point is missing something. I think it's because you're congesting a lot of information; she's an avatar, her mom was murdered, the source of her power is taken, her father ships her across the world because of the dead mom, a syndicate is threatening her home, she's trying to fit in (or trying not to) California, her magic is weakening, and she fights the syndicate from her distant vantage.

 

There's just too much going on to really be able to come away from one read and understand it all, in my opinion. I'm not sure what would make the most sense to cut, or perhaps condense, but this was just my take away after reading.



#24 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 22 August 2018 - 08:40 PM

REVAMP #7
Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],
 
Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace mark seventeen-year-old Karasi Shujaa as the Mlezi. As the god-chosen protector of her tribe in Nairobi, Kenya, Karasi is blessed with the magic to mimic the powers of animals. With her gifts, Karasi hunts poachers and dark spirits—not an easy feat with her 9 PM curfew. But Karasi is haunted. For it was her mother's murder that gained her this position.
 
When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, Karasi’s connection to her gods is endangered. Ordered to bring the cub back before the spring solstice, Karasi prepares to rescue it. But before she can, Karasi’s father ships her off to live with her grandparents in Washington D.C. A tribal man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi will fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed.
 
With Karasi on the other side of the world, the Syndicate believes they are safe to steal her tribe's magic. They’re wrong. Although Karasi's magic may be diminishing by the hour, she will fight for what she views as her birthright: the power of the Mlezi.
 
AFRICAN PRIDE is a 60,000-word YA East African contemporary fantasy novel with a biracial and bisexual heroine, and will appeal to readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.
 
I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years as one of their senior ambassadors, as well a Teen Fiction department senior member. I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.
 
The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
AUTHOR NAME HERE


#25 LKMoody

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Posted 23 August 2018 - 01:20 AM

Hi rachelwthewriter!  This is a really solid query.  There's only a few suggestions I'd make.

 

I would consider cutting the bit about Karasi being ordered the rescue the cub.  As the source of her powers she already has motivation, and my very first thought was "ordered by who?" which isn't answered in the query (and doesn't seem necessary).  I might rephrase it thus:

 

Ordered to bring the cub back before the spring solstice, Karasi prepares to rescue the cub, it. Bbut before she can, Karasi’s father ships her off to live with her grandparents . . .

 

The other thing that struck me is that the query seems to be missing the stakes.  Obviously Karasi will lose her powers if she doesn't get the cub back, but why does that matter?  Will her home be overrun by dark spirits, her mother's legacy lost, her or people she loves hurt?  Think concretely--what are the consequences if Karasi fails?

 

This sounds like an amazing book and I would love to read it!  Good luck querying!



#26 StephenLost

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Posted 23 August 2018 - 03:39 PM


 

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],
 
Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace mark seventeen-year-old Karasi Shujaa as the Mlezi. The god-chosen protector of her tribe in Nairobi, Kenya, Karasi is blessed with the magic to mimic the powers of animals. With her gifts, Karasi hunts poachers and dark spirits—not an easy task with her 9 PM curfew. But Karasi is haunted. For it was her mother's murder that gained her this power.
 
When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, Karasi’s connection to her gods is endangered. Ordered to bring the cub back before the spring solstice, Karasi prepares to rescue it. But before she can, Karasi’s father sends her to live with her grandparents in Washington D.C. A tribal man who doesn't revere the gods or their magic, he fears Karasi will fall into the same perils that got her mother killed.
 
With Karasi on the other side of the world, the Syndicate believes they are safe to steal her tribe's magic. They’re wrong. Although Karasi's magic may be diminishing by the hour, she will find a to fight for her birthright: the power of the Mlezi.
 
AFRICAN PRIDE is a 60,000-word YA East African contemporary fantasy novel with a biracial and bisexual heroine, and will appeal to readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.
 
I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years as one of their senior ambassadors, as well a Teen Fiction department senior member. I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.
 
The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
AUTHOR NAME HERE
 
 
Its a good letter.  Your hard work is paying off. I just adjusted the tone and shorted the length a few words.  You may want to add something about how she is fighting all the way from DC.  IT is a question I had after reading.   Hope I was helpful   looking for return critiques here   


#27 rachaelwthewriter

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Posted 24 August 2018 - 08:31 AM

REVAMP #8

Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],
 
Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace mark seventeen-year-old Karasi Shujaa as the Mlezi. The god-chosen protector of her tribe in Nairobi, Karasi is blessed with the magic to mimic the powers of animals. With her gifts, Karasi hunts poachers and dark spirits—not an easy task with her 9 PM curfew. But Karasi is haunted. For it was her mother's murder that gained her this power.
 
When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, Karasi’s connection to her gods is endangered. Karasi prepares to rescue the cub, but before she can, Karasi’s father ships her off to live with her grandparents in Washington D.C. A tribal man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi will fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed.
 
With Karasi on the other side of the world, the Syndicate believes they are safe to steal her tribe's magic. They’re wrong. Running away from her grandparent’s home, Karasi knows her duty. Although her magic may be diminishing by the hour, Karasi will fight for her birthright: the power of the Mlezi even if it kills her.
 
AFRICAN PRIDE is a 60,000-word YA East African contemporary fantasy novel with a biracial and bisexual heroine, that brings the magic of Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone and fast-paced action of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass to the 21st century.
 
I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years as one of their senior ambassadors, as well a Teen Fiction department senior member. I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.
 
The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
AUTHOR NAME HERE


#28 Bibliophyl

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Posted 25 August 2018 - 01:10 PM

Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace mark seventeen-year-old Karasi Shujaa as the Mlezi. The god-chosen protector of her tribe in Nairobi, Karasi is blessed with the magic to mimic the powers of animals. With her gifts, Karasi hunts poachers and dark spirits—not an easy task with her 9 PM curfew. But Karasi is haunted. [do you mean literally or figuratively? it's a little unclear with the mention of magic earlier] For it was her mother's murder that gained her this power. [this sentence reads a little formal/awkward to me compared with the rest of your writing. Maybe just try rephrasing it or even combining with the prior sentence..."But Karasi is haunted, since she only got her powers after her mother was murdered." That's not great but you get the idea]
 
When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, Karasi’s connection to her gods is endangered. Karasi prepares to rescue the cub, but before she can, Karasi’s father ships her off to live with her grandparents in Washington D.C. A tribal man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi will fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed. [nice]
 
With Karasi on the other side of the world, the Syndicate [this wasn't capitalized earlier] believes they are safe to steal her tribe's magic. They’re wrong. Running away from her grandparent’s home, Karasi knows her duty. [rephrasing suggestion: "Karasi runs away from her grandparents' home in order to fulfill her duty to her tribe." The "running" clause just tripped me up a bit] Although her magic may be diminishing [may be diminishing > diminishes, just to save some words] by the hour, Karasi will fight for her birthright: the power of the Mlezi even if it kills her. I think you need more punctuation in the last sentence. "Karasi will fight for her birthright--the power of the Mlezi--even if it kills her."
 
AFRICAN PRIDE is a 60,000-word YA East African contemporary fantasy novel with a biracial and bisexual heroine, that brings the magic of Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone and fast-paced action of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass to the 21st century.
 
I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years as one of their senior ambassadors, as well a Teen Fiction department senior member. I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.
 
The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Overall I think this is strong. Good luck!


#29 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 26 August 2018 - 02:33 PM

Here are my thoughts, hope they help:
 
Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace mark seventeen-year-old Karasi Shujaa as the Mlezi. Since I don't know what a Mlezi is, it might be better to just use the explanation you have next sentence. Or at least make this part of sentence one. The god-chosen protector of her tribe in Nairobi, Karasi is blessed with the magic to mimic the powers of animals. With her gifts, Karasi hunts poachers and dark spirits—not an easy task with her 9 PM curfew. But Karasi is haunted. For it was her mother's murder that gained her this power. Sounds interesting...more details about how her mother's death is connected?
 
When a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, Karasi’s connection to her gods is endangered. Karasi prepares to rescue the cub, but before she can, Karasi’s father ships her off to live with her grandparents in Washington D.C. A tribal man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi will fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed. Even more curious about what's going on with her mother now.
 
With Karasi on the other side of the world, the Syndicate believes they are safe to steal her tribe's magic. They’re wrong. Running away from her grandparent’s home, Karasi knows her duty. Here the query gets a little into synopsis territory, by which I mean you're telling me X happens, then Y happens. But a query letter doesn't need to get that descriptive, I just need to know the main themes and stakes without feeling like you're telling me the story too much. Although her magic may be diminishing by the hour, Karasi will fight for her birthright: the power of the Mlezi even if it kills herNice ending line! This sounds like a cool story.
 
AFRICAN PRIDE is a 60,000-word YA East African contemporary fantasy novel with a biracial and bisexual heroine, that brings the magic of Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone and fast-paced action of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass to the 21st century.
 
Hope I've helped! This sounds cool. A link to mine is below.






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