REVAMP # 5
Dear [INSERT AGENT NAME HERE],
Green cat eyes and a lion claw necklace mark seventeen-year old Karasi Shujaa as the Mlezi, the god-chosen protector of her tribe in Nairobi, Kenya. (I like this! I think it's a little wordy for an opening but it works for me) With the magic to mimic the powers of animals, Karasi hunts poachers, fights dark spirits, and struggles to make her
9nine PM curfew. YetBut Karasi is haunted by the knowledge that it was the event of her mother’s murder that gained her this position. (I think this can be punchier. Something like: But Karasi is haunted. For it was her mother's murder that gained her this position)
Duty bound in keeping her powers a secret,(it seemed like she was in the public eye for sure) when she’s not
kicking buttfighting crime (kicking butt doesn't match the previous tone of your query at all) and taking names, Karasi finds peace in the animal sanctuary where her mother used to work. But when a sacred lion cub—the source of her magic—is stolen by a poaching syndicate, Karasi’s connection to her gods is endangered. Before she can rescue it, Karasi finds herself shipped off to live with her grandparents in Washington D.C. by her father. A man who doesn't believe in the gods nor their magic, he fears Karasi will fall into the same obsession that got her mother killed. (I wonder if you can tighten this up. I don't think you need to mention her powers being a secret, or repeat the information about her fighting people, or include where she finds peace. It might be stronger IMO to start with the lion cub, her powers being endangered, then the D.C. stuff. Feels more to the point. Also, it wasn't clear before this that an obsession is what got her mother killed, so maybe clarify that sooner if you can.)
With Karasi on the other side of the world, the Syndicate believes they are safe to steal her tribe's magic. They’re wrong. Although her magic is diminishing by the hour Karasi will fight for what she views as her birthright: the power of the Mlezi. (I like the stakes but I think we need more. What will she do to fight back? Catch a flight from D.C.? I also think it would be good to include something about what she does in D.C. Does she go to school? Have to blend in with an American society? Or does she just live there and try to think of ways to get home?)
AFRICAN PRIDE is a WORD COUNT HERE-word YA East African Contemporary Fantasy novel with a biracial and bisexual heroine and will appeal to readers of Sarah J Maas’s Throne of Glass and Tomi Adeyemi’s Children of Blood and Bone.
I have been an active member of the Wattpad community for almost three years where I'm one of their senior ambassadors, as well a senior member of their Teen Fiction department. (Ayyy I'm on Wattpad too. But don't mention this in your query. It's irrelevant. Unless Wattpad is submitting your MS to an actual publisher i.e HarperCollins, then I wouldn't even mention you're writing on the website in your query) Previously, I published adult novels with the small press After Hours Publications under the pennames E.V. Evergreen and Andromeda.
The first ten pages of my manuscript are posted below, as per your submission guidelines.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
AUTHOR NAME HERE
I think this story sounds really cool! Just need some clarity/more information in certain spots and I think you'll be good.
Would you mind taking a look at my query if you have time? :) http://agentquerycon...it-in-dual-pov/