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THREE KISSES (High fantasy)


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#1 VMacGregor

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Posted 08 July 2018 - 06:40 PM

Dear [Agent],

 

On the planet of Thalloo, everybody is connected to the raw essence of magic until their first kiss snaps that connection forever. But, only a kiss that comes with flutters and tingles. Feelingless kisses are safe.

 

Gertie vowed she would never have her first kiss, preferring to keep her magic and hone her ability to wield it. She didn’t realize magic would keep her alive, even as her bones stiffened, her skin withered. Now, at the ripe age of one thousand and eleven, she lives in a hut in the woods, playing harmless tricks on a nearby troll village to occupy the time in her lonely, eternal life.

 

Freya is a nineteen year old girl born as a caninian, part of a marginalized race with her face half covered with the fur of a dog. She has been in love with an elven boy who works near her family’s farm ever since she understood the notion of romance. Deep scorn and persecution would meet her if her feelings ever got out. Therefore, she has only ever kissed in fleeting daydreams.

 

Princess Nicoletta’s royal tutors and caretakers have always promised her that one day, she’d find a husband and rule the kingdom with him happily ever after. At twenty-two, she has kissed plenty of boys during castle balls and secret escapades, but those kisses have never felt more than clammy emptiness.  Resigned she will never fall in love with a man, without understand why, she agrees to an arranged marriage with the kingdom’s top-ranking knight.

 

When Nicoletta’s new husband takes the throne, he strips her of her power and orders the invasion of a neighboring kingdom. Gertie, Freya, and Nicoletta, with their connections to magic standing strong, band together to dismantle the King’s plot before he unleashes a wave of slaughter. At the same time, the three wonder if they would give up magic if they had the chance.

 

THREE KISSES is a 100,000 world high fantasy novel with the fairy-tale subversion aspects of Naomi Novik’s UPROOTED and the complex political world of S. A. Chakraborty’s THE CITY OF BRASS. I am the managing writer and editor for The Charlottesville Guide and Grand Rounds in Urology. I wanted to reach out to you because [reason].

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

 


#2 JoQwerty

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Posted 09 July 2018 - 01:41 AM

While you give backgrounds for the three main characters, you do not tell us what is at stake for each of them. If Nicoletta's husband cannot be stopped, there is going to be a war and other people will die, but what will happen to Gertie and Freya? Also, why does Nicoletta's husband want to invade the neighboring kingdom? This sounds like the inciting incident and probably needs to be at the top of the query. (As the query is already long, you will need to throw out some of the background info when you tell us more about the stakes.)

 

This reads like a MG or YA novel, if so, you should mention that along with the genre.



#3 Caligulas

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Posted 09 July 2018 - 06:46 PM

(Okay, just to start. I popped this in a Word doc and it is nearly 400 words. TOO LONG. You want 250-350 max and you're better off aiming lower. Are there queries that break this rule? Yup. But when you're in a sea of hundreds, the last thing you want to do is immediately stand out for the wrong reasons.) 

 

Dear [Agent],

 

On the planet of Thalloo, everybody is connected to the raw essence of magic until their first kiss snaps that connection forever. (This makes no sense to me to the point where it is basically meaningless) But, only a kiss that comes with flutters and tingles. Feelingless kisses are safe. (What? Try starting your query with your MC and their immediate problem. Don't start with backstory)

 

Gertie vowed she would never have her first kiss, preferring to keep her magic and hone her ability to wield it.  She didn’t realize magic would keep her alive, even as her bones stiffened, her skin withered. Now, at the ripe age of one thousand and eleven, she lives in a hut in the woods, playing harmless tricks on a nearby troll village to occupy the time in her lonely, eternal life. (You can easily start with something like "One thousand-eleven-year-old Gertie vows to never have her first kiss knowing it'll remove the magical abilities keeping her alive. She lives in a hut in the woods playing harmless tricks on a nearby troll, but she's lonely" Do you see how much more immediately interesting that is? This needs to be shorter and punchier. 108 words down to 37)

 

Freya is a nineteen year old girl born as a caninian, part of a marginalized race with her face half covered with the fur of a dog. She has been in love with an elven boy who works near her family’s farm ever since she understood the notion of romance. Deep scorn and persecution would meet her if her feelings ever got out. Therefore, she has only ever kissed in fleeting daydreams. (Nothing wrong)

 

Princess Nicoletta’s royal tutors and caretakers have always promised her that one day, she’d find a husband and rule the kingdom with him happily ever after. At twenty-two, she has kissed plenty of boys during castle balls and secret escapades, but those kisses have never felt more than clammy emptiness.  Resigned she will never fall in love with a man, without understand why, she agrees to an arranged marriage with the kingdom’s top-ranking knight. (Nothing wrong)

 

When Nicoletta’s new husband takes the throne, he strips her of her power and orders the invasion of a neighboring kingdom. Gertie, Freya, and Nicoletta, with their connections to magic standing strong, band together to dismantle the King’s plot before he unleashes a wave of slaughter. At the same time, the three wonder if they would give up magic if they had the chance. (Same, nothing wrong--with the writing. But for a query this is all too wordy. You spend a lot of time giving me character backgrounds but very little plot. I think you should pick one character's perspective to write the query in and work from there. Whether that's the lead character, the most interesting character, the one most connected to the plot, or the one the story starts with. Just just pick one, detail what she wants, what's getting in her way, what bad thing will happen if she tries to stop what's getting in her way and what bad thing happens if she doesn't. Then you will show us plot and stakes. Right now this is a lot of backstory and very little forward motion. I hope this helps. I'll appreciate it if you took a look at my query for When I See Me :) )

 

THREE KISSES is a 100,000 world high fantasy novel with the fairy-tale subversion aspects of Naomi Novik’s UPROOTED and the complex political world of S. A. Chakraborty’s THE CITY OF BRASS. I am the managing writer and editor for The Charlottesville Guide and Grand Rounds in Urology. I wanted to reach out to you because [reason].

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.






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