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#1 Jonas

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Posted 10 July 2018 - 01:34 PM

In 1875, on the plains of north Texas, is where families pay for their father’s debts with blood.

 

In the early hours of the morning, John is surprised by a delivery rider. Dropping off paperwork that his father, Charley, owes twenty five thousand dollars. John is confused by the debt and by the fact his father has been dead for a month. He makes his way into town to confront Tate, the debt owner.

 

John quickly regrets stepping into the saloon. Meeting Tate, an old war hero, who isn’t interested in excuses but wants one of three things. His money, their lives or their land for development of his shipping company. John isn’t a match for Tate and his men. He’s quickly bound and beaten.

 

John’s war forgotten brother James, armed with two black pistols and a shotgun, pries John from Tate’s grip. Being the younger brother, John was sheltered from the war and was taught to be an upstanding man, who wants to find the money to pay Tate off. On the other hand, James, grew to be a killer, who uses his knife to bludgeon his victims, wants to use his skills to put Tate in a black box.

 

They’ve been apart for what seems to be a lifetime, until now, and they are on the verge of losing their ranch to a crooked war hero. Together, they must find a way to save their land and to get rid of Tate. 



#2 Tanja

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Posted 11 July 2018 - 07:56 AM

you must feel discouraged for not getting any replies to your query. Don't give up. Queries are tough. The main problem with your query is that you go into too much detail. You could put the entire two first para into one or two sentences. Something like: When John finds out that his late father left him with a debt of twenty-five-thousand dollars, he faces a bigger problem than just the money.

And then continue with Tate. Go into a broader side of the story. Instead of describing his brother in every detail, show more about the story and how they try to take down Tate and what is in their way.

 

A good place to read about queries is Query Shark. It'll give you a good idea about the content of queries. Also have a good read of successful queries here on AQC. Your last para is pretty good. The hook is pretty good as well. But the rest is a little too detailed.

 

Good luck. Don't give up


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#3 Joysworld

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Posted 11 July 2018 - 11:16 AM

In 1875, on the plains of north Texas, is where families pay for their father’s debts with blood. I like this hook. It makes me want to keep reading.

 

In the early hours of the morning, John is surprised by a delivery rider. Dropping off paperwork that his father, Charley, owes twenty five thousand dollars. John is confused by the debt and by the fact his father has been dead for a month. He makes his way into town to confront Tate, the debt owner. This is wordy for me. And I think you could easily combine this paragraph with some of the the below paragraph with less words than what you have.

 

John quickly regrets stepping into the saloon. Meeting Tate, an old war hero, who isn’t interested in excuses but wants one of three things. His money, their lives or their land for development of his shipping company. John isn’t a match for Tate and his men. He’s quickly bound and beaten.

 

John’s war forgotten brother James, armed with two black pistols and a shotgun, pries John from Tate’s grip. Being the younger brother, John was sheltered from the war and was taught to be an upstanding man, who wants to find the money to pay Tate off. On the other hand, James, grew to be a killer, who uses his knife to bludgeon his victims, wants to use his skills to put Tate in a black box.

 

They’ve been apart for what seems to be a lifetime, until now, and they are on the verge of losing their ranch to a crooked war hero. Together, they must find a way to save their land and to get rid of Tate. 



#4 Jonas

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Posted 11 July 2018 - 01:54 PM

Thank you! I really appreciate the help! I'm encouraged by both of your comments!






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