23 replies to this topic

[Andrew Rosenberg]

Holy Maiden Ysabel has four months left to live. Determined to make the most of her limited time, she acts the part of an innocent, virginal healer while concealing her nightlife as an alcohol-loving dominatrix.

 

It’s a race to see which will kill her first: her healing power which subtracts a day off her life every time she uses it, the elderly Council of Cardinals who plan to extend their lives by sacrificing her to the Sun God. If Ysabel tries to escape, the cardinals will slaughter the refugees camped outside her city. People she feels responsible for after she killed their leader.

 

When she defies the cardinals by saving the life of trans What does "trans" mean in a fantasy world?  man Dark Lord Kaine, he takes it upon himself to rescue her from her grisly fate—by threatening to invade her country. Fortunately, he likes her enough to back off when she shoos his army off her doorstep<- confusing . Unfortunately why?, she likes him too, and the nagging survival instinct she thought she killed with booze and drugs comes back with a vengeance. But failing to die as a proper Holy Maiden would mean betraying the people she wants to save. why?

 

PERSEPHONE’S WALTZ is a 129,000 word Ffantasy novel in the style of Terry Pratchett meets N.K. Jemisin. 

Sounds interesting 

Let me see if I have this. She wants to save the refugees (and her own life). Does she have to choose between the two? Why does she care so much about them? 

What does being a dominatrix have to do with solving the main conflict of the story? Does it give her a special power?

Is there a Bad Guy in this scenario? Who's the antagonist?

You mention alcohol a couple times, is that a critical component of the storyline? Does she have to confront her own addictions before solving the conflict?

 

BTW, your protagonist reminds me of the one from KC Alexander's NecroTech, you should take a look.

[Tyokunbo]

Thanks very much for reviewing my query

 

Holy Maiden Ysabel has four months left to live. (Why does she have only four months to live? Is she sick? Has she been sentenced to death? ) It’s a race to see which will kill her first: her healing power, (Is this related to having only four months to live? If she doesn’t use her healing powers, will she live longer?) which subtracts a day off her life every time she uses it, or the Council of Cardinals who plan to extend their elderly lives by sacrificing her to the Sun God. (I like this) Determined to make the most of her limited time, (Why does she have a limited time to live? Is it through illness? Why must she die?) she acts the part of a virginal healer (How does she express her healing power? Who benefits from her healing power?) while concealing her nightlife as an alcohol-loving dominatrix. (Why is she concealing her night life as an alcohol loving dominatrix? What is the significance of this role in the query? How will it help her achieve her goal?))
Her goal is to enter the World Games—wizarding death matches where kings wager the fate of nations in place of war. Victory will allow her to win land for the refugees camped outside her city, (Who are these refugees? Are they important to her goal? How are they important to her? Are they the ones she’s using her healing powers to help) who the cardinals have taken hostage to prevent her from escaping.

When she defies the cardinals (Why are the cardinals bent on killing Dark Lord Kaine?)  to save the life of trans man Dark Lord Kaine, (Bringing him here now feels too sudden. Who is he? How is he important to her goal?) he takes it upon himself to rescue her from her grisly fate—by threatening to invade her country. (How will this help Ysabel? What is her grisly fate? Is it the plan of the cardinals to sacrifice her?) ) Fortunately, he likes her enough to back off when she boots his army off her doorstep. (How does she defeat Kaine’s army?) Unfortunately, she likes him too, and the nagging survival instinct she thought she killed with booze and drugs comes back with a vengeance. (I like this, but you haven’t effectively linked this to the query. Earlier, you mention she’s an alcohol-loving dominatrix, but you never said why. Perhaps you could move the reason to the last line of the first paragraph) But failing to die as a proper Holy Maiden would mean betraying the people she wants to save.

PERSEPHONE’S WALTZ is a 129,000 word fantasy novel in the style of Terry Pratchett meets N.K. Jemisin.

Still, there are too many things happening in Ysabel’s life. You need to link these many things so they follow a linear logical sequence.

[HarlequinWriter]

Holy Maiden Ysabel has four months left to live. It’s a race to see which will kill her first: her healing power, which subtracts a day off her life every time she uses it, or the Council of Cardinals who plan to extend their elderly lives by sacrificing her to the Sun God. You can make this sentence more interesting by stating what they would use their extended life to do. Are they trying to save the world, ruin it, conquer territories? Determined to make the most of her limited time, she acts the part of a virginal healer while concealing her nightlife as an alcohol-loving dominatrix.

 

Her goal is to enter the World Games—wizarding death matches where kings wager the fate of nations in place of war. Victory will allow her to win land for the refugees camped outside her city, who the cardinals have taken hostage to prevent her from escaping. What is her relation to the refugees and how does any of this tie in with her double life?

 

When she defies the cardinals to save the life of trans man Dark Lord Kaine, he takes it upon himself to rescue her from her grisly fate—by threatening to invade her country. Why does he was to rescue her? How do they know each other? Also, maybe mention he's trans in the personalized section for each letter. Unless is is pertinent to the plot, some may find this insulting and isolating to use that as a descriptor when you've never described anybody else's gender. Fortunately, he likes her enough to back off when she boots his army off her doorstep. Unfortunately, she likes him too, and the nagging survival instinct she thought she killed with booze and drugs comes back with a vengeance. But failing to die as a proper Holy Maiden would mean betraying the people she wants to save. You should find a way to tie this in with the World Games, otherwise, they feel like two completely different books. 

 

PERSEPHONE’S WALTZ is a 129,000 word fantasy novel in the style of Terry Pratchett meets N.K. Jemisin.

[Patomac]

Latest version:

 

Holy Maiden Ysabel has four months left to live. It’s a race to see which will kill her first: her healing power, which subtracts a day off her life every time she uses it, or the Council of Cardinals who plan to extend their elderly lives by sacrificing her to the Sun God. (I love this!)Determined to make the most of her limited time, she acts the part of a virginal healer while concealing her nightlife as an alcohol-loving dominatrix. (You for sure have my attention)

 

Her goal is to enter the World Games—wizarding death matches where kings wager the fate of nations in place of war. Victory will allow her to win land for the refugees camped outside her city, who the cardinals have taken hostage to prevent her from escaping. (I'd like to hear a little more about her emotional attachment to these people. Are they people she healed? Distant relations? This part feels a little terse)

 

When she defies the cardinals to save the life of trans man Dark Lord Kaine, he takes it upon himself to rescue her from her grisly fate—by threatening to invade her country. (Okay, what? I don't get it)Fortunately, he likes her enough to back off when she boots his army off her doorstep. Unfortunately, she likes him too, and the nagging survival instinct she thought she killed with booze and drugs comes back with a vengeance. But failing to die as a proper Holy Maiden would mean betraying the people she wants to save. (You lost me with the end of the query. In the beginning paragraph, you made me think that a) Ysabel's death was inevitable because of the healing and b) it really only served the purpose of lengthening the lives of the cardinals. Is that not true? Is this a conflict between healing people vs. saving herself? I also don't understand the whole country invasion thing and the abrupt retreat from it. Do we need to know about it (and its attendant romance)? How does it relate to Ysabel's greatly shortened lifespan, which seems like the central conflict?)

 

PERSEPHONE’S WALTZ is a 129,000 word fantasy novel in the style of Terry Pratchett meets N.K. Jemisin. (Having read both authors, I'm not sure what that means. Funny but wordy? Worldbuilding to the max?)