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Kinky Victorian Romance- revised 10/16


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#1 Bibliophyl

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Posted 20 July 2018 - 02:17 PM

Thanks for all the help! I've posted a revised version in Post #25.

 

Still revising the story itself but wanted to get a head start on the query! Will gladly return any critiques. 

 

________________________________________________

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, department store owner Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, trapped in a lustless, childless marriage, it's easy to find solace in Cherry. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one fell swoop, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.  

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets of Boston until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. What starts as a vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--turns into a heart-wrenching apology from Thomas for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger and allows herself to fall back in love with Thomas. They strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.  

 

But when Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, he chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Cherry sets out to ruin his life once and for all, but realizes too late that her revenge might come at the cost of her own life when she finds herself in jail for arson. 

 

[housekeeping and sendoff]



#2 W.P.

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 02:32 AM

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, department store owner Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, trapped in a lustless, childless marriage, it's easy to find solace in Cherry. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one fell swoop, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.  ((Good set up. The conflict is definitely interesting, but I feel like the way it is written reads more like a synopsis and less like a query. Queries tend to be snappy and have that oomph factor. I think the fact that it's a bit wordy doesn't help. If you removed all unnecessary parts, the writing and story would pop more. I underlined the wordy parts that could be trimmed down. It takes too long to say that Thomas was also attracted to her and that when they finally did it, he fired her.))

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets of Boston until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. What starts as a vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--turns into a heart-wrenching apology from Thomas for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger and allows herself to fall back in love with Thomas. They strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.  ((again, great conflict. But it sounds too much like a synopsis. Like I'm reading the middle of a novel.))

 

But when Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, he chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Cherry sets out to ruin his life once and for all, but realizes too late that her revenge might come at the cost of her own life ((freedom? it sounds like she might die))  when she finds herself in jail for arson. ((this last sentece, rather than enticing me, it makes me confused. it seems to come out of left field and like she's going wayyyyyy too extreme on this. yeah he broke her heart and fired her, but like, arson is a whole other level. we need either further explanation or less information about the plot at this point))

 

 

The story sounds pretty interesting, but I think the query isn't doing it justice. It doesn't sound much like a query (which can be mended with revision no prob) and I think that your two last paragraphs are sort of repetitive. The paragraph where Thomas walks into the brothel and she is looking for revenge (stating the goal of the character) is the same as Thomas leaving her a second time and her looking for revenge. because the motivation/goal is the same. so the second time around, it feels redundant. I wonder if you could end the query at the first "seeking revenge" part. We don't need to know he seduces her back to him. Because she's going to end up seeking revenge again anyway, and it's a nice surprise in the novel. But that's just my take on it. :) I hope you find this helpful.

 

 

I'd much appreciate it if you took a look at my query as well. :)   http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=358070



#3 Tyokunbo

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 11:41 AM

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, department store owner Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, trapped in a lustless, childless marriage, it's easy to find solace in Cherry. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one fell swoop, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved. (I like this)



Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets of Boston until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. What starts as a vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--turns into a heart-wrenching apology from Thomas for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger and allows herself to fall back in love with Thomas. They strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.


But when Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, he chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Cherry sets out to ruin his life once and for all, but realizes too late that her revenge might come at the cost of her own life when she finds herself in jail for arson.(Up to this point I'm rooting for the query. I like the conflict set up. We know what Cherry wants. We feel her pain. But we don't know why she feels revenge might come at the cost of her life. I think the problem is we don't know enough of what Thomas wants. Why has he chosen to marry for business interests?  And we don't know  the power he has to inflict pain on Cherry if she tries to ruin his life. Was it Thomas who put her in jail for arson. Was there a fight between them? Is this the reason she fears for her life? Perhaps you could make this a bit more explicit. We really need to know why Cherry is scared for her life.  However, I love the query - no doubt about it.)



#4 smithgirl

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 01:48 PM

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer: department store owner Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, trapped in a lustless, childless marriage, it's easy to find solace in Cherry. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one fell swoop, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.

 

Like the others, I think this is good (good conflict) but could be tightened. 

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets of Boston until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas comma himself comma walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. What starts as a vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--turns into a heart-wrenching apology from Thomas for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger and allows herself to fall back in love with Thomas. They strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.  

 

Again, I find this paragraph a bit wordy and synopsis-y. 

 

But when Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, he chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Cherry sets out to ruin his life once and for all, Why this sudden thirst for revenge? It just feels out of place. We know she was angry when he first left her, but she does she want to risk her life to ruin his? but realizes too late that her revenge might come at the cost of her own life when she finds herself in jail for arson. How is the arson related?

 

[housekeeping and sendoff]

 

Overall, I think this is good; it clearly delineates the story. I just think you could make it tighter and snappier. Right now it really does read more like a synopsis. But just writing something that's clear and understandable is a good start. Good luck! Could you please look at my query, too? Thanks!

 

http://agentquerycon...st-52/?p=356320



#5 kat8

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 03:04 PM

 

Still revising the story itself but wanted to get a head start on the query! Will gladly return any critiques. 

 

________________________________________________

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, department store owner Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, trapped in a lustless, childless marriage, it's easy to find solace in Cherry. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one fell swoop (this phrase sort of releases some of the tension; a little wordy), Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.  

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets of Boston until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure (WOOH I love the way you worded this!). When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas (there's nothing at all wrong with this sentence, but at the same time, I think there might be a way for you to make it a whole lot more exciting. this is very shocking, and it reads a little bland). What starts as a vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--turns into a heart-wrenching apology from Thomas for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger and allows herself to fall back in love with Thomas. They strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave. (again, I can't pinpoint one part of this paragraph that is not good, but like others have said, it just reads a bit like a synopsis. I feel like I'm reading a report, whereas a query should thrust the reader into the action) 

 

But when Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, he chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning (maybe it's just me but I just don't like this word) Cherry for a second time. Cherry sets out to ruin his life once and for all, but realizes too late that her revenge might come at the cost of her own life when she finds herself in jail for arson.  (this is totally random information unrelated to everything else in the query; instead of enticing me and giving me a taste of the plot of the book, it leaves me completely confused.)

 

Maaaaaybe you could end it a little more like, "When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, it seems that he and Cherry will finally get to share the life they dreamed of. But when he remarries for business interests, Cherry sets out to get her revenge, once and for all." That was really terrible, but I think maybe you could try condensing it and making it a lot clearer that Thomas really hurt her by not marrying her.

 

[housekeeping and sendoff]

 

 

I really like this query, and I do think it's pretty close! I'm interested in your story, which is the most important part of any query :)

 

If you have the time, I'd really appreciate it if you could take a look at my query, linked below in my signature.


My query: 27 Club


#6 bookgirl_kt

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Posted 21 July 2018 - 07:08 PM

I must admit you had me at kinky Victorian romance. Here are my thoughts:

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, department store owner Thomas Ellis. The first sentence is just a wee bit confusing in that it took a close read to tell if Cherry was employed in Thomas' department store or his house. I'm not sure you need to mention he's a store owner; it doesn't seem relevant to the rest of the plot. For Thomas, trapped in a lustless, childless marriage, it's easy to find solace in Cherry. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one fell swoop, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.  Nice set-up.

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets of Boston until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. What starts as a vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--turns into a heart-wrenching apology from Thomas for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger and allows herself to fall back in love with Thomas. They strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.  There just might be a bit too much plot in this paragraph. It's borderline. I can see where a lot of this info is very relevant, but it's reading a little more like a synopsis than a query letter. Also, more voice in the query would help--instead of just telling us Cherry is angry and heartbroken, it would be even better if you could show that in the language. Writing angry lines is a great chance to be sarcastic/funny too.

 

But when Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, he chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Cherry sets out to ruin his life once and for all, but realizes too late that her revenge might come at the cost of her own life Ah, now here's where it gets really interesting again! I love a good tale of revenge. when she finds herself in jail for arson. The arson thing comes out of left wing. Also, it might be telling the reader too much about what happens in the book. We've gone all the way to the end result of her revenge (again, a little like a synopsis in that you're giving away the ending.) This is only a suggestion, but I think it might be interesting if you just finished with the roaring rampage of revenge as a good clincher, leaving the reader wondering how that will play out. I'm biased because I enjoy revenge stories.

 

[housekeeping and sendoff]

 

Thanks for taking a look at mine! I hope I've helped.



#7 eric balson

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Posted 23 July 2018 - 12:28 PM

 

Still revising the story itself but wanted to get a head start on the query! Will gladly return any critiques. 

 

________________________________________________

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, department store owner Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, trapped in a lustless, childless marriage, it's easy to find solace in Cherry. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one fell swoop, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.  

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets of Boston until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. What starts as a vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--turns into a heart-wrenching apology from Thomas for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger and allows herself to fall back in love with Thomas. They strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.  As others have pointed out, this indeed feels synopsis-y

 

But when Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, he chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Cherry sets out to ruin his life once and for all, but realizes too late that her revenge might come at the cost of her own life when she finds herself in jail for arson. Woah, where did this arson stuff come from?

 

[housekeeping and sendoff]

 

Didn't find much wrong with this. I think you're nearly there.

Hope I've been of help. Kindly take a look at my query here (post #95):

http://agentquerycon...o-we-are/page-5



#8 Bibliophyl

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Posted 23 July 2018 - 04:29 PM

See post 21 for newest version! (8/25)

 

7/23 Revised version: tried to cut down some of the synopsis stuff in the middle which everyone rightly complained about, but I'm having trouble getting them from love to hate to love to hate again without going into too much of the plot...

Edit 7/29: I tweaked the final sentence to give a bit more detail about Cherry's revenge plan. 

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, wealthy entrepreneur Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, Cherry is a welcome distraction from his lustless, childless marriage. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one crushing betrayal, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.  

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. A vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--turns into Thomas' heart-wrenching apology for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger, and they strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.  

 

When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, Cherry dares to hope that she and Thomas will finally get to share the life she dreams of. But in a devastating blow, Thomas chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Determined to exact revenge, Cherry hatches a desperate plan to expose his darkest secrets and ruin his life, even if she takes herself down with him.


Edited by Bibliophyl, 25 August 2018 - 09:52 AM.


#9 Caligulas

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Posted 23 July 2018 - 10:37 PM

 

Revised version: tried to cut down some of the synopsis stuff in the middle which everyone rightly complained about, but I'm having trouble getting them from love to hate to love to hate again without going into too much of the plot...

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, wealthy entrepreneur Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, Cherry is a welcome distraction from his lustless, childless marriage. Their mutual attraction (mutual attraction sounds so dry) culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very (you never need the word very) next day. In one crushing betrayal, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.  (I like this, but it's missing the tension because the sentences aren't snappy enough. Look at something like:

 

In Victorian Boston, housemaid Cherry fall hopelessly in love with the handsome, wealthy, and married, Thomas Ellis. When their lust  culminates into a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study, Cherry's promptly dismissed from her position the  next day. Now she's jobless, homeless, and hopelessly lost.

 

Far from perfect, but it's less...lingering)

 

Heartbroken and angry (Show, don't tell), Cherry struggles to survive on the streets until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. (Ends very good, but starts dragging ruining the effect) When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. A vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--leads (Leads said twice, irksome) to Thomas' heart-wrenching apology for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger, and they strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave. (Thomas having a secret kink is fine, but why does Cherry crave pain? Do you mean to inflict it? And again, it's not punching me. The story sounds like it's sexy but the query is so bland. Continuing with what I had before...

 

Until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But not any brothel: one for gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas walks through the door, the last thing Cherry expects is to end up alone in a room with him. Or for him to be bound and blindfolded. She can't help herself when one whip turns into twenty (idk what really happens), and Thomas can't apologize for his betrayal any quicker. When her anger subsides, Cherry finds herself hopelessly in love all over again. 

 

Again, idk what happens or what the motivations are, just illustrating what I mean. Shorter sentences, call-backs to old phrasing, forward motion, and end of sentence revelations. A lot of the time your sentences fall flat because of the way you structure them)

 

When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, Cherry dares to hope that she and Thomas will finally get to share the life she dreams of. But in a devastating blow, Thomas chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Determined to exact revenge, Cherry hatches a desperate plan to ruin his life, even if it costs her own. (Once more...

 

But Thomas spurns her for a second time after his wife dies. Instead of marrying Cherry and giving her the life she's dreamt of, Thomas furthers his business ventures by marrying [Whoever]. Cherry won't be burned twice, and hatches a desperate plan to ruin his life, even if it costs her own.

 

Now aside from this, I'm with you until the stakes. You need more. Specifics. What does she plan to do exactly? How exactly is her life potentially at risk? Detail. Why is she planning this and not something else? With something like this many women would go in a different direction. What makes her want revenge and not suicide or a life of promiscuity or to become a nun? Characterize her, I'm guessing (hoping) it'll tie into the whole brothel stuff because putting all that in the query makes me think the story will center around this. Finally, what does she stand to lose if she doesn't exact revenge? What's the choice?

 

Hope this helped. Story sounds cool)



#10 Bkrasnik

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Posted 25 July 2018 - 11:06 PM

 

Revised version: tried to cut down some of the synopsis stuff in the middle which everyone rightly complained about, but I'm having trouble getting them from love to hate to love to hate again without going into too much of the plot...

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, wealthy entrepreneur Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, Cherry is a welcome distraction from his lustless, childless marriage. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one crushing betrayal, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.  

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. A vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--leads to Thomas' heart-wrenching apology for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger, and they strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.  

 

When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, Cherry dares to hope that she and Thomas will finally get to share the life she dreams of. But in a devastating blow, Thomas chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Determined to exact revenge, Cherry hatches a desperate plan to ruin his life, even if it costs her own. 

 

I really enjoyed reading this! Everything flows and you provide enough context for me to understand the story. I went over the query more than once, and I can't find much ways for improvement, except for you to maybe reveal more about her plan to ruin his life. I think that might provide an even stronger ending for your query. Good luck!


Have a moment to offer up some very much appreciated feedback? :)

My Young Adult Dystopian Query: http://agentquerycon...ate-on-post-15/


#11 Tanja

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 04:22 AM

Hi,

Thanks again for helping with my query. Trying to repay the favor.

 

You have a beautifully written ... synopsis. Sorry. There is way too much detail and besides the last para, there's not much moving the story along. The conflicts are there, but brutally saying, you could pare the whole lot down to one sentence. After housemaid Cherry has been stung twice by the love of her life, she plans revenge. Sure you can use little bits and pieces and elaborate, like Thomas ruining her life after a one-night stand. I think the detail about her working for a brothel is interesting, shows how desperate she is. But the detail how she, uh , seduces him to be part of her life again could be shortened.

 

I'd rather read more about how she plans her revenge to be honest and if there are struggles, what they are. However, I need to say that I write thrillers and not love stories, so I don't know much about the concept when it comes to those queries, so I might be the only one thinking that way. I'll check in again

 

Hope I could help a little


Query:  10 DAY BETRAYAL

             10 DAY CONSPIRACY

             RABBIT 76 (NEW PROJECT)

 

Twitter: @tccorrey


#12 Tyokunbo

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 12:37 PM

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, wealthy entrepreneur Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, Cherry is a welcome distraction from his lustless, childless marriage. (This is good. We know what Thomas wants). Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. (Why does he dismiss her? What has she done) In one crushing betrayal, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.(I love the multiple setbacks)

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. A vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--leads to Thomas' heart-wrenching apology for the way he treated her. (What exactly does he say? Perhaps it may give the agent a clue about his reasons for dismissing Cherry) to Cherry sets aside her anger, and they strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.

When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, Cherry dares to hope that she and Thomas will finally get to share the life she dreams of. But in a devastating blow, Thomas chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Determined to exact revenge, Cherry hatches a desperate plan to ruin his life, even if it costs her own. (The end of the query is more concise than the previous version) 

 

 

I hope my observations help

 

This version of the query is a great improvement on the previous one.But as one of the critique says, the second paragraph still sounds like a summary. Still, it is an engaging work.

 

You can find the latest version of query at the last placement on the link below. Can you take a look at it? Thanks.

http://agentquerycon...pic/38912-kari/



#13 SheWrites

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 08:12 PM

Bibliophyl ~ I have no idea how to highlight my comments - I'll use parenthesis! That being said, I am intrigued by this book! A kinky Victorian Romance is great!

 

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, wealthy entrepreneur Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, Cherry is a welcome distraction from his lustless, childless marriage. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one crushing betrayal, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.  (Love this but I am wondering why he ditched her so fast? I'm thinking he just got cold feet because of who he is? Maybe even say that - bigshot got cold feet!)

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. A vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--leads to Thomas' heart-wrenching apology for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger, and they strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave. (Wowza ~ crazy ~ this is good. I am definitely interested in reading more.)

 

When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, Cherry dares to hope that she and Thomas will finally get to share the life she dreams of. But in a devastating blow, Thomas chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Determined to exact revenge, Cherry hatches a desperate plan to ruin his life, even if it costs her own. (I think you've got it with this one!)

 

(You have the query basics here - Character, problem, stakes ~ Interesting hook and enough info to make us want to know more!)

 


#14 Wanjoo

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Posted 28 July 2018 - 05:31 PM

 

Revised version: tried to cut down some of the synopsis stuff in the middle which everyone rightly complained about, but I'm having trouble getting them from love to hate to love to hate again without going into too much of the plot...

 

Hello, Thank you for having had a look at my query for, The Accidental Yakuza. You make some good points.

 

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, wealthy entrepreneur Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, Cherry is a welcome distraction from his lustless, childless marriage. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one crushing betrayal, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.  

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it one that caters to gentlemen whose would rather pay for pleasure is pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. A vicious beating--Cherry's revenge (isn't the beating what he came for? how can that be revenge?)--leads to results in Thomas' heart-wrenching apology for the way he treated her. Cherry forgives sets aside her anger, and they strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.  

 

When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, Cherry dares to hope that she and Thomas will finally get to share the life she dreams of. But in a devastating blow, Thomas chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Determined to exact revenge, Cherry hatches a desperate plan to ruin his life, even if it the costs is her own. 

 

I'm thinking that a more powerful way to express Cherry's outrage with Thomas's behavior is as a reaction to the way he treats his wife. Being pissed because she doesn't get him is undoubtedly something that happens in real life but in this #metoo moment, perhaps Cherry fighting on behalf of all women would resonate better. Hope my comments help. 



#15 Milady

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Posted 28 July 2018 - 09:06 PM

Hi there! Thanks for the help with my query. Here to return the favor :)

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, wealthy entrepreneur Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, Cherry is a welcome distraction from his lustless, childless marriage. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one crushing betrayal, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved. Very nice. Clear and good stakes.

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. A vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--leads to Thomas' heart-wrenching apology for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger, and they strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave. Again, very good. Clear stakes and buildup.

 

When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, Cherry dares to hope that she and Thomas will finally get to share the life she dreams of. But in a devastating blow, Thomas chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Determined to exact revenge, Cherry hatches a desperate plan to ruin his life, even if it costs her own. I think this is where it falls a little short. It's all been great up to here, but the last sentence is a little too vague. It seems like a big part of the story, and I think some more details about this "desperate plan" would really help and draw in the reader further. Is she dealing with criminals? Hiring a hitman to take him out? Kidnapping his children? It just sounds so intriguing and I feel like you might be selling yourself short by being so general with it.

 

It really depends on what the main focus of your novel is. If it's ultimately a revenge story, I'd consider cutting some of that second paragraph to make way for more of the 'revenge' factor, and some more details on her revenge plan and how it might cost her her own life.

 

I hope this helped! You have a very lovely query and it's definitely well on its way. 


If you have time, any feedback would be much appreciated!  :wink: 

 

WRITTEN IN THE STARS(YA sci-fi) 

 

Query


#16 CS29

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Posted 29 July 2018 - 11:08 PM

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, wealthy entrepreneur Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, Cherry is a welcome distraction from his lustless, childless marriage. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one crushing betrayal, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved. There's not much I would change here. This sets up the stakes nicely.

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. A vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--leads to Thomas's heart-wrenching apology for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger, and they strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave. Good buildup and raising the stakes. I like it.

 

When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, Cherry dares to hope that she and Thomas will finally get to share the life she dreams of. But in a devastating blow, Thomas chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Determined to exact revenge, Cherry hatches a desperate plan to ruin his life, even if it costs her own. As others have mentioned, this feels too vague. What does her plan entail? Can you give us some details? Mention the final confrontation perhaps? Something more concrete to let us know what's at stake.

 

Hope this helps. It sounds like a great story of the 'woman scorned' getting her revenge. Good luck!



#17 JessicaCohen

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Posted 30 July 2018 - 07:43 PM

Hello there! Let me see what I can do for you!

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, wealthy entrepreneur Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, Cherry is a welcome distraction from his lustless, childless marriage. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one crushing betrayal, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved. Beautiful writing here, and a pretty solid hook.

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. < I suggest you find a way to keep from using his name twice in this sentence. A vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--turns into Thomas' heart-wrenching apology for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger, and they strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.  

 

When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, Cherry dares to hope that she and Thomas will finally get to share the life she dreams of. But in a devastating blow, Thomas chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Determined to exact revenge, Cherry hatches a desperate plan to expose his darkest secrets and ruin his life, even if she takes herself down with him. Wow! This story sounds pretty amazing!

 

I don't have much more to say than that. This query is pretty solid and definitely interesting! Nice job and best of luck!

 

Here's my query, if you'd like to chime in. I'd really appreciate it. http://agentquerycon...will-crit-back/



#18 Emily804

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Posted 30 July 2018 - 08:15 PM

 

7/23 Revised version: tried to cut down some of the synopsis stuff in the middle which everyone rightly complained about, but I'm having trouble getting them from love to hate to love to hate again without going into too much of the plot...

Edit 7/29: I tweaked the final sentence to give a bit more detail about Cherry's revenge plan. 

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, wealthy entrepreneur Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, Cherry is a welcome distraction from his lustless, childless marriage. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one crushing betrayal, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.  (Loving it so far.)

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. A vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--turns into Thomas' heart-wrenching apology for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger, and they strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.  

 

When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, Cherry dares to hope that she and Thomas will finally get to share the life she dreams of. But in a devastating blow, Thomas chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Determined to exact revenge, Cherry hatches a desperate plan to expose his darkest secrets and ruin his life, even if she takes herself down with him.

 

 

I think it's great! I honestly can't find anything wrong with it, so as long as it accurately represents your story then I think it's ready! 


Query Compatibility YA sci-fi: http://agentquerycon...lity-ya-sci-fi/


#19 taylorhale

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Posted 31 July 2018 - 11:33 AM

 

7/23 Revised version: tried to cut down some of the synopsis stuff in the middle which everyone rightly complained about, but I'm having trouble getting them from love to hate to love to hate again without going into too much of the plot...

Edit 7/29: I tweaked the final sentence to give a bit more detail about Cherry's revenge plan. 

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston,  (Just a suggestion:) Victorian housemaid Cherry is hopelessly in love with her employer, wealthy entrepreneur Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, Cherry is a welcome distraction from his lustless, childless marriage. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one crushing betrayal, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved. (Nice!)

 

Heartbroken and angry, (Can we go stronger than angry? It feels like a weak word to use here. How about: "Heartbroken but resolute" (if she is resolute) or "Heartbroken and devastated/destroyed/betrayed) Cherry struggles to survive on the streets until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. (Omg LOVE it reminds me of the music video for "But it's Better if You Do" by Panic at the Disco xD) A vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--turns into Thomas' heart-wrenching apology for the way he treated her. (How did this go from a beating to an apology? Might need more details here. Was Thomas shocked when Cherry pulled off his blindfold to reveal who she really is? Why is he suddenly apologetic?) Cherry sets aside her anger, and they strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave. (I think you can go deeper here. It makes Cherry's previous anger feel not that serious if she's able to so easily set it aside. How about something like, Despite his betrayal, Cherry can't deny the heat between her and Thomas... then the rest about pain and pleasure.)

 

When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, Cherry dares to hope that she and Thomas will finally get to share the life she dreams of. But in a devastating blow, Thomas chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Determined to exact revenge, Cherry hatches a desperate plan to expose his darkest secrets and ruin his life, even if she takes herself down with him. (Great!)

 

 Sounds like an awesome story. I hope my two cents help :-)

 

Would love to hear your thoughts on mine if you have time: http://agentquerycon...ique-in-return/



#20 jpfranco

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Posted 01 August 2018 - 11:29 AM

 

7/23 Revised version: tried to cut down some of the synopsis stuff in the middle which everyone rightly complained about, but I'm having trouble getting them from love to hate to love to hate again without going into too much of the plot...

Edit 7/29: I tweaked the final sentence to give a bit more detail about Cherry's revenge plan. 

 

Cherry, a housemaid in Victorian Boston, is hopelessly in love with her employer, wealthy entrepreneur Thomas Ellis. For Thomas, Cherry is a welcome distraction from his lustless, childless marriage. Their mutual attraction culminates in a tryst on the floor of Thomas' study--only for Cherry to find herself dismissed the very next day. In one crushing betrayal, Cherry loses her job, her home, and the man she thought she loved.  

 

Heartbroken and angry, Cherry struggles to survive on the streets until she finds employment as a maid in an upscale brothel. But it's not just any brothel: it caters to gentlemen who would rather pay for pain than pleasure. When Thomas himself walks through the door, a case of mistaken identity leads Cherry to be alone in a room with the bound, blindfolded Thomas. A vicious beating--Cherry's revenge--turns into Thomas' heart-wrenching apology for the way he treated her. Cherry sets aside her anger, and they strike up a relationship full of the pleasure and pain they both crave.  

 

When Thomas' wife dies in childbirth, Cherry dares to hope that she and Thomas will finally get to share the life she dreams of. But in a devastating blow, Thomas chooses to remarry for business interests rather than love, spurning Cherry for a second time. Determined to exact revenge, Cherry hatches a desperate plan to expose his darkest secrets and ruin his life, even if she takes herself down with him.

 

I'm thinking maybe you could start the query with Cherry already at the brothel. It will cut down on the word count and synopsis feeling. It will only take a sentence to show that Thomas is a former employer/lover who spurned her. 

 

I'd be interested to know how Thomas figured out it was Cherry and why he apologized after she beat him up. I think you need to give us more of Cherry's character. We all know that scorned women can be viscious, but we need to feel for her, especially since she tried to be a homewrecker, and then was glad his wife died. A note about that: if this is erotica, it may not be a problem, but having Cherry try to steal a married man probably won't fly for romance publishers/agents. My romance has a heroine who is married at the begining and I've had feedback that that is a big no-no. I don't get it, we live in a modern world where relationships are complicated and shit happens, but romance is very pie-in-the sky, perfect world type stuff, evidently. Good luck! 

 






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