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YA LGBT Contemporary Query: GOLDEN HOUR

Fiction Young Adult Romance Gay Lesbian

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#1 AReadingRedSox

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Posted 25 July 2018 - 11:20 PM

Draft 3; I think it's pretty close! Thanks everyone!

 

When eighteen-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce gets kicked off one of the biggest country music tours in the nation, everyone and their mama’s got a theory why. But Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay. 

 

Now, Josephine’s back in her small Alabama hometown, and after months of being in the spotlight, all she wants to do is lay low and figure out her next move. So when her mama makes her get a job at the local ice cream parlor, she’s not exactly thrilled. That all changes when she meets Violet Carver, the new girl who has her own high-profile ties to the town. Staring down a summer filled with big choices about their futures, Josephine and Vi embark on adventures—fishing, baseball games, the whole nine yards—all across the state…and start falling for each other in the process. 

 

But just as Josephine’s getting settled again, she gets a call asking her to come back on the tour.  The only catch? She’d have to keep being the person everyone thinks she is, and not the one she really is. Now, Josephine has to decide if she wants to keep living a lie, or if she’s going to sing her truth and make people start listening.

 

GOLDEN HOUR is a YA contemporary novel complete at 63,000 words. It will appeal to fans of GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Jaye Robin Brown and HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake. 



#2 Bibliophyl

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 06:18 AM

Josephine Gale Joyce has it all: a wonderful family, a supportive hometown, and, perhaps most notable of all, a spot as the opener for one of the biggest country music tours in the country. Or she did, until she got kicked off the tour and sent back home two weeks ago. Everyone and their mama’s got an opinion on why, but Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay. [this can be condensed. I think starting off with "X has it all..." is kind of cliche. And the key info is the country music tour--do we really care about her supportive hometown and family right now? What about "when talented Josephine gets kicked off her prized spot as opener for one of the biggest country music tours in the country, everyone back home wonders why. Only she knows it's because she's gay." OK that's not very good, but you get the idea--basically start with the hook (getting kicked off the tour) and condense everything.

 

Now, Josephine’s back in Hope, and after months of being the face of every gossip magazine and social media account, all she wants to do is…nothing. [it's a little hard for me to believe that a country music tour opener would be the focus of so much attention. Also, I'm unclear--was she the focus of this attention when she was supposed to be on the tour, or is this a consequence of losing the spot? i.e. is he attention good or bad?] So when her mama makes her get a job at the local ice cream parlor, she’s not exactly thrilled. That all changes when she meets Violet Carver, the new girl who has her own high-profile ties to the town. Staring down a summer filled with big choices, [a little vague] Josephine and Vi embark on adventures all over the state [also vague]…and start falling for each other.  

 

But just as Josephine’s getting settled again, she gets a call asking her to come back on the tour.   Now, Josephine has to decide if she’s going to keep hiding who she is, or if she’s going to sing her truth and make people start listening. [Good, but I think this could be more specific. I would think it would be easy not to draw attention to the fact that she's gay on the tour. She wouldn't really be able/allowed to bring her girlfriend with her, right? So it wouldn't come up. I think this would be stronger if framed as a choice between going or not going on the tour. Will Violet break up with her if she goes back to the people who fired her for being gay? That's a pretty concrete choice. You know the story better than I do of course!]

 

GOLDEN HOUR is a YA contemporary novel [I would mention her age earlier in the query...I had no idea this was YA, assumed she was an adult] complete at 63,000 words. It will appeal to fans of   GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Jaye Robin Brown and HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake. 

 

Hope that was helpful! Good luck :)



#3 smithgirl

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 10:48 AM

Josephine Gale Joyce has it all: a wonderful family, a supportive hometown, and, perhaps most notable of all, a spot as the opener for one of the biggest country music tours in the country. Or she did, until she got kicked off the tour and sent back home two weeks ago. Everyone and their mama’s got an opinion on why, but Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay.

 

I think this is good, but I agree it's longer than necessary. Condense it to make a catchy hook, then add any necessary information in the next paragraph.

 

x-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce is opening for one of the biggest country tours in the country. Or she was, until she got kicked off two weeks ago, because she's gay.

 

Everyone and their mama’s got an opinion on why she was dropped, but only Josephine knows the truth. but Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay. Now, she’s back in her small hometown of Hope, and after months of being the face of every gossip magazine and social media account, all she wants is to keep her secret and do is…nothing.

 

So when her mama makes her get a job at the local ice cream parlor, she’s not exactly thrilled. That all changes when she meets Violet Carver, the new girl who has her own high-profile ties to the town. Staring down a summer filled with big choices, Big choices is too vague. Josephine and Vi embark on adventures all over the state…and start falling for each other.  

 

But just as Josephine’s getting settled again, she gets a call asking her to come back on the tour.  Now, Josephine has to decide if she’s going to keep hiding who she is, or if she’s going to sing her truth and make people start listening. I'm unclear why she got asked back. Did they decide it's OK that she's gay? In that case, it wouldn't be a problem. Or did they tell her she can sing if she pretends she's straight? Because, clearly, someone there knows she's gay and think it's bad. It sounds like if she opens she'll be able to come out (sing her truth), so what's the conflict? Just that people in her town will know she's gay? I wonder if you can make this situation clearer because right now I'm confused.

 

GOLDEN HOUR is a YA contemporary novel complete at 63,000 words. It will appeal to fans of   GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Jaye Robin Brown and HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake. 

 

Overall, I think your query is really good. The story is clear, the conflict is there, it's succinct. I think you can tighten it just a bit (I made some suggestions there). My biggest confusion is the stakes, because I'm not clear about the conditions of her call-back. One other thing, for YA it's essential to designate your MC's age right at the beginning. Without her age, I would assume this is about an adult. But I think this query is close -- good job! Can you please review my own long-suffering query? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...evised-post-59/



#4 Caligulas

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 01:50 PM

 

Draft 2; thanks everyone!

 

When eighteen-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce gets kicked off one of the biggest country music tours in the country (I know they mean different things and I get what you're saying, just the double country's said so closely reads a little clunky. I got tripped up. Can you say this in a different way?), everyone and their mama’s got an theory on why. (This is vague) But Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay. (This is AWESOME. Seriously, go straight for this. I like the voice in "everyone and their mama" So maybe make the one sentence end with "and everyone and their mama knows it's because she's gay")

 

Now, Josephine’s back in her small Alabama hometown, and after After months of being in the spotlight, all she wants to do is lay low and figure out her next move. So when her mama makes her get a job at the local ice cream parlor, she’s not exactly thrilled. That all changes when she meets Violet Carver, the new girl who has her own high-profile ties to the town. Staring down a summer filled with big choices about their futures, Josephine and Vi embark on adventures all over the state…and start falling for each other.  (I'm loving this. I would like more detail on those adventures. Throw some quick examples in)

 

But just as Josephine’s getting settled again, she gets a call asking her to come back on the tour.   The only catch: she’d have to keep singing the same songs that she doesn’t mean and hide who she really is. (Worded a little oddly. Try adding some of that voice in there and speak through her for a second) Now, Josephine has to decide if she wants to keep being the person everyone thinks she is, or if she’s going to sing her truth and make people start listening. (I dig it. It's simplistic and I get the sense of the story. I don't think you need much more other than to make sure your pages are DYNAMITE)

 

GOLDEN HOUR is a YA (Might snag here because I think 18 is the cut off point for YA) contemporary novel complete at 63,000 words. It will appeal to fans of   GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Jaye Robin Brown and HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake. (Overall, I think your query is pretty damn good. It has a pretty nice commercial ring to it and has some good voice without being overbearing. I'm glad you liked my earlier draft because you seem to know what you're doing here, lol)

 



#5 SheWrites

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Posted 26 July 2018 - 02:34 PM

Draft 2; thanks everyone!

 

When eighteen-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce gets kicked off one of the biggest country music tours in the country, everyone and their mama’s got an (a) theory on why. But Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay. (I am wondering what year this is? I think this is a great start at a time when being gay was taboo. I think nowadays, especially in the arts, it's accepted. Just a thought.) 

 

Now, Josephine’s back in her small Alabama hometown, and after months of being in the spotlight, all she wants to do is lay low and figure out her next move. So when her mama makes her get a job at the local ice cream parlor, she’s not exactly thrilled. That all changes when she meets Violet Carver, the new girl who has her own high-profile ties to the town. Staring down a summer filled with big choices about their futures, Josephine and Vi embark on adventures all over the state…and start falling for each other.  (I like this a lot! Love the ice cream parlor where they meet. Violet is high-profile in town so does she have to also hide that she's gay? Makes me want to read what their adventures are! Good!)

 

But just as Josephine’s getting settled again, she gets a call asking her to come back on the tour. (Wondering why?)  The only catch: she’d have to keep singing the same songs that she doesn’t mean and hide who she really is. Now, Josephine has to decide if she wants to keep being the person everyone thinks she is, or if she’s going to sing her truth and make people start listening. (Good! I like this!)

 

GOLDEN HOUR is a YA contemporary novel complete at 63,000 words. It will appeal to fans of   GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Jaye Robin Brown and HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake. 

 

 



#6 Tyokunbo

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Posted 27 July 2018 - 12:33 PM

When eighteen-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce gets kicked off one of the biggest country music tours in the nation, everyone and their mama’s (I like this) got a theory why. But Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay.

Now, Josephine’s back in her small Alabama hometown, and after months of being in the spotlight, all she wants to do is lay low and figure out her next move. So when her mama makes her get a job at the local ice cream parlor, she’s not exactly thrilled. (Why isn't she thrilled? Is it because she misses the tour?)  That all changes when she meets Violet Carver, the new girl who has her own high-profile ties to the town. Staring down a summer filled with big choices (What are they)  about their futures, Josephine and Vi embark on adventures—fishing, baseball games, the whole nine yards (This could be confusing. Perhaps you use a more explicit word)  —all across the state…and start falling for each other in the process.

But just as Josephine’s getting settled again, she gets a call asking her to come back on the tour. (As someone wrote earlier, perhaps you can give the reason why she is called back)  The only catch? She’d have to keep being the person everyone thinks she is, and not the one she really is. Now, Josephine has to decide if she wants to keep living a lie, or if she’s going to sing her truth and make people start listening. (I love this. I think the choice is as good as 'going or not going' as someone said earlier)

GOLDEN HOUR is a YA contemporary novel complete at 63,000 words. It will appeal to fans of GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Jaye Robin Brown and HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake.

 

 

This query is almost ready for the agents. I like the vibes it gives me. I'm sure agents will feel the same way.
 



#7 Nessa

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Posted 27 July 2018 - 05:56 PM



Draft 3; I think it's pretty close! Thanks everyone!

 

When eighteen-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce gets kicked off one of the biggest country music tours in the nation, everyone and their mama’s got a theory why. But Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay. 

 

Now, Josephine’s back in her small Alabama hometown, and after months of being in the spotlight, all she wants to do is lay low and figure out her next move. So when her mama makes her get a job at the local ice cream parlor, she’s not exactly thrilled. That all changes when she meets Violet Carver, the new girl who has her own high-profile ties to the town. Staring down a summer filled with big choices about their futures, Josephine and Vi embark on adventures—fishing, baseball games, the whole nine yards—all across the state…and start falling for each other in the process. 

 

But just as Josephine’s getting settled again, she gets a call asking her to come back on the tour.  The only catch? She’d have to keep being the person everyone thinks she is, and not the one she really is. Now, Josephine has to decide if she wants to keep living a lie, or if she’s going to sing her truth and make people start listening.

 

GOLDEN HOUR is a YA contemporary novel complete at 63,000 words. It will appeal to fans of GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Jaye Robin Brown and HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake. 

 

[I think this is ready to go! Great plot, voice, and character. Add a small bio (some agents require it) if you want. Great work!]



#8 taylorhale

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Posted 30 July 2018 - 01:31 PM

Draft 3; I think it's pretty close! Thanks everyone!

 

When eighteen-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce gets kicked off one of the biggest country music tours in the nation, everyone and their mama’s got a theory why. But Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay.  (Perfect)

 

Now, Josephine’s back in her small Alabama hometown, and after months of being in the spotlight, all she wants to do is lay low and figure out her next move. So when her mama makes her get a job at the local ice cream parlor, she’s not exactly thrilled. That all changes when she meets Violet Carver, the new girl who has her own high-profile ties to the town. Staring down a summer filled with big choices about their futures, Josephine and Vi embark on adventures—fishing, baseball games, the whole nine yards—all across the state…and start falling for each other in the process. (perfect)

 

But just as Josephine’s getting settled again, she gets a call asking her to come back on the tour.  The only catch? She’d have to keep being the person everyone thinks she is, and not the one she really is. Now, Josephine has to decide if she wants to keep living a lie, or if she’s going to sing her truth and make people start listening.

 

GOLDEN HOUR is a YA contemporary novel complete at 63,000 words. It will appeal to fans of GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Jaye Robin Brown and HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake. 

 

This is so so good. The voice is perfect, the stakes are clear, and I honestly want to read it. I think you're more than ready. Would love to have your Twitter so I can follow the story's progress, but totally understand if you don't want to share it here!



#9 Milady

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Posted 30 July 2018 - 09:10 PM

Hi! Thanks for looking over my query. :)

 

Draft 3; I think it's pretty close! Thanks everyone!

 

When eighteen-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce gets kicked off one of the biggest country music tours in the nation, everyone and their mama’s got a theory why. But Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay. Nice opening!

 

Now, Josephine’s back in her small Alabama hometown, and after months of being in the spotlight, all she wants to do is lay low and figure out her next move. So when her mama makes her get a job at the local ice cream parlor, she’s not exactly thrilled. That all changes when Then she meets Violet Carver, the new girl who has her own high-profile ties to the town. Staring down a summer filled with big choices about their futures, Josephine and Vi embark on adventures—fishing, baseball games, the whole nine yards—all across the state…and start falling for each other in the process. 

 

But just as Josephine’s getting settled again, she gets a call asking her to come back on the tour.  The only catch? She’d have to keep being the person everyone thinks she is, and not the one she really is. Now, Josephine has to decide if she wants to keep living a lie, or if she’s going to sing her truth and make people start listening. Love it.

 

GOLDEN HOUR is a YA contemporary novel complete at 63,000 words. It will appeal to fans of GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Jaye Robin Brown and HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake. 

 
This is great! Very polished, and just about ready for the agents. Good job! :)

If you have time, any feedback would be much appreciated!  :wink: 

 

WRITTEN IN THE STARS(YA sci-fi) 

 

Query


#10 W.P.

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Posted 04 August 2018 - 10:34 AM

When eighteen-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce gets kicked off one of the biggest country music tours in the nation, everyone and their mama’s got a theory why. But Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay. ((great hook!))

 

Now, Josephine’s back in her small Alabama hometown, and after months of being in the spotlight, all she wants to do is lay low and figure out her next move. So when her mama makes her get a job at the local ice cream parlor, she’s not exactly thrilled. That all changes when she meets Violet Carver, the new girl who has her own high-profile ties to the town. Staring down a summer filled with big choices about their futures, Josephine and Vi embark on adventures—fishing, baseball games, the whole nine yards—all across the state…and start falling for each other in the process. ((It was unnecessarily wordy and sort of messed up the flow of the sentence. Great paragraph by the way.))

 

But just as Josephine’s getting settled again, she gets a call asking her to come back on the tour.  The only catch? She’d have to keep being the person everyone thinks she is, and not the one (("hide who"<--- I feel like it could be condensed into two words. It read a bit too long and like "filler")) she really is. Now, Josephine has to decide if she wants to keep living a lie, or if she’s going to sing her truth and make people start listening (("listen" <--- would make the sentence stronger in my opinion)).

 

GOLDEN HOUR is a YA contemporary novel complete at 63,000 words. It will appeal to fans of GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Jaye Robin Brown and HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake.

 

 

What a good query. The first two paragraphs are filled with voice. The last paragraph does a good job but I feel like it's not as good as the first two. But that's just my opinion. The query still works very well. :) I can see this query getting many requests. Good luck!

 

I really do hope this has been helpful. If you could take a look at my query as well, I'd be very thankful. :) http://agentquerycon...-back/?p=358512



#11 LeeAllan

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Posted 04 August 2018 - 11:26 AM

I agree with everyone else that this is polished. With the small changes others have suggested, it is perfect. Best of luck finding an agent!

 

And thank you for critiquing my query!

 

LeeAllan



#12 Emily804

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Posted 04 August 2018 - 05:45 PM

Draft 3; I think it's pretty close! Thanks everyone!

 

When eighteen-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce gets kicked off one of the biggest country music tours in the nation, everyone and their mama’s got a theory why. But Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay. 

 

Now, Josephine’s back in her small Alabama hometown, and after months of being in the spotlight, all she wants to do is lay low and figure out her next move. So when her mama makes her get a job at the local ice cream parlor, she’s not exactly thrilled. That all changes when she meets Violet Carver, the new girl who has her own high-profile ties to the town. Staring down a summer filled with big choices about their futures, Josephine and Vi embark on adventures—fishing, baseball games, the whole nine yards—all across the state…and start falling for each other in the process. 

 

But just as Josephine’s getting settled again, she gets a call asking her to come back on the tour.  The only catch? She’d have to keep being the person everyone thinks she is, and not the one she really is. Now, Josephine has to decide if she wants to keep living a lie, or if she’s going to sing her truth and make people start listening.

 

GOLDEN HOUR is a YA contemporary novel complete at 63,000 words. It will appeal to fans of GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Jaye Robin Brown and HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake. 

I really like your story idea! It's great! I think you're pretty close to being ready to start sending out your query.

 

I'm not sure about this sentence: 

"When eighteen-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce gets kicked off one of the biggest country music tours in the nation, everyone and their mama’s got a theory why."

 

It might be stronger to open with "Eighteen-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce gets kicked off one of the biggest country music tours in the nation because she is gay. The public does not know the truth. They have no idea why Josephine left the tour, but they have theories." 

 

Something like that.

 

Good luck!


Query Compatibility YA sci-fi: http://agentquerycon...lity-ya-sci-fi/






Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fiction, Young Adult, Romance, Gay Lesbian

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