Josephine Gale Joyce has it all: a wonderful family, a supportive hometown, and, perhaps most notable of all, a spot as the opener for one of the biggest country music tours in the country. Or she did, until she got kicked off the tour and sent back home two weeks ago. Everyone and their mama’s got an opinion on why, but Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay.
I think this is good, but I agree it's longer than necessary. Condense it to make a catchy hook, then add any necessary information in the next paragraph.
x-year-old Josephine Gale Joyce is opening for one of the biggest country tours in the country. Or she was, until she got kicked off two weeks ago, because she's gay.
Everyone and their mama’s got an opinion on why she was dropped, but only Josephine knows the truth.
but Josephine’s the only one who knows the truth: it’s because she’s gay. Now, she’s back in her small hometown of Hope, and after months of being the face of every gossip magazine and social media account, all she wants is to keep her secret and do is…nothing.
So when her mama makes her get a job at the local ice cream parlor, she’s not exactly thrilled. That all changes when she meets Violet Carver, the new girl who has her own high-profile ties to the town. Staring down a summer filled with big choices, Big choices is too vague. Josephine and Vi embark on adventures all over the state…and start falling for each other.
But just as Josephine’s getting settled again, she gets a call asking her to come back on the tour. Now, Josephine has to decide if she’s going to keep hiding who she is, or if she’s going to sing her truth and make people start listening. I'm unclear why she got asked back. Did they decide it's OK that she's gay? In that case, it wouldn't be a problem. Or did they tell her she can sing if she pretends she's straight? Because, clearly, someone there knows she's gay and think it's bad. It sounds like if she opens she'll be able to come out (sing her truth), so what's the conflict? Just that people in her town will know she's gay? I wonder if you can make this situation clearer because right now I'm confused.
GOLDEN HOUR is a YA contemporary novel complete at 63,000 words. It will appeal to fans of GEORGIA PEACHES AND OTHER FORBIDDEN FRUIT by Jaye Robin Brown and HOW TO MAKE A WISH by Ashley Herring Blake.
Overall, I think your query is really good. The story is clear, the conflict is there, it's succinct. I think you can tighten it just a bit (I made some suggestions there). My biggest confusion is the stakes, because I'm not clear about the conditions of her call-back. One other thing, for YA it's essential to designate your MC's age right at the beginning. Without her age, I would assume this is about an adult. But I think this query is close -- good job! Can you please review my own long-suffering query? Thanks! http://agentquerycon...evised-post-59/