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THE FIREFLY WELL (Adult Fantasy) - will crit back

Fantasy Gay Lesbian Romance

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#1 JessicaCohen

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Posted 31 July 2018 - 02:43 PM

Hi, folks! I have a friend who has been trying to make an account here, but the CAPTCHA is still utterly broken, so I'm posting on her behalf. She can't crit back for you for that reason, but I will gladly do so.

 

Hotaru is ass out of luck.

 

Her idle summer is interrupted when she’s extracted to the peculiar feudal world Aimardin. Thanks to her horrible timing, she bypasses her absent father as he returns home to North Carolina. His departure saddles her not only with a boatload of trauma and volatile magic, but with a years vacant throne in Geoga, a dubious treaty, and national judgement demanding she either rise to her duty or have her otherworlder ass quelled.


Knowing her inexperience marks her a pawn more than a queen, Hotaru flees across the countryside to forge her own path home. Through her travels and ill-gotten allies, she sees Geoga teeter on the brink of upheaval. Only her ascension can tip the scales before the country collapses into war against its neighbors. With an eclectic team at her back, Hotaru shoulders her looming fate, determined to finally make a stand.


The Firefly Well is a 147,000 word character-driven Fantasy with a diverse cast and dry sense of humor. A humanistic approach to alternate world fantasy, it showcases modern themes as seen in Les Grossman's The Magicians and magic systems not unlike those written by Diana Wynne Jones or Tamora Pierce in Tempests & Slaughter.



#2 SheWrites

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Posted 31 July 2018 - 07:35 PM

Hi Jessica - let me give my thoughts! 

 

Hotaru is ass out of luck. 

 

Her idle summer is interrupted when she’s extracted not sure about this word. Extracted how? to the peculiar what is peculiar about it? feudal world Aimardin. Thanks to her horrible timing, she bypasses her absent a bit confusing, absent from her life? where? father as he returns home to North Carolina. His departure saddles her not only with a boatload of trauma and volatile magic, but with a years year's vacant throne in Geoga, a dubious treaty, and national judgement judgment demanding she either rise to her duty or have her otherworlder Not sure this is a word. ass Maybe using ass too much quelled. I like what's going on here, but it's unclear.

 

Knowing her inexperience marks her a pawn who is she a pawn to? more than a queen, Hotaru flees across the countryside to forge her own path home. Where is home? This should be cleared up in the first paragraph. Through her travels and ill-gotten allies, what makes them ill-gotten, give a trait or two she sees Geoga teeter on the brink of upheaval. Only her ascension can tip the scales before the country collapses into war what are they fighting about?against its neighbors. With an eclectic again, a trait, something specific would be nice team at her back, Hotaru shoulders how? her looming fate, determined to finally make a stand.

 

The Firefly Well is a 147,000 word character-driven Fantasy with a diverse stronger descriptive word, outlaws & thieves, misfits & trolls - etc. something more  cast and dry sense of humor. A humanistic approach to alternate world fantasy, it showcases modern themes as seen in Les Grossman's The Magicians and magic systems, comma not unlike those written by Diana Wynne Jones or Tamora Pierce in Tempests & Slaughter.

 

I think you're on your way - Clear up the beginning, character, problem, stakes. Be more specific if you can. I think you're off to a great start ~ keep going! Never give up! 



#3 jphollis

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Posted 09 August 2018 - 02:00 AM

Hotaru is ass out of luck Never heard this exact phrasing. Usually hear it as 'shit out of luck'. Also, this felt like a slightly out of place beginning when the next sentence mentions a fantasy world name. But this is purely subjective..

 

Her idle summer is interrupted when she’s extracted to the peculiar feudal world Aimardin How is she extracted? Alien abduction? A magical wardrobe?. Thanks to her horrible timing, she bypasses her absent father as he returns home to North Carolina. His departure saddles her not only with a boatload of trauma and volatile magic, but with a years vacant throne in Geoga, a dubious treaty, and national judgement demanding she either rise to her duty or have her otherworlder ass quelled. 

 

This paragraph feels full of information that makes sense to you, but nothing to me because I have no background knowledge of the book to fill in the blanks. For example, I know that she is extracted to a feudal world called Aimardin. That much makes sense even if the mechanisms of how she is extracted are unclear. But how does this extraction allow her to bypass her father coming home to North Carolina? 'Bypass' means to go around. Maybe the word should be 'misses'? 

 

Also, what do you mean by 'his departure?' I thought he was coming home to North Carolina. Or is his home North Carolina but hers is somewhere else, like Virginia perhaps? I have no context to fill in these gaps. This paragraph introduces many snippets of ideas (Geoga, magic, a treaty) but nothing tying them together. I also still don't know anything about the main character besides her name and an inference that she is probably young (due to the reference of an idle summer).

 

Knowing her inexperience marks her a pawn more than a queen, Hotaru flees across the countryside to forge her own path home. Through her travels and ill-gotten allies, she sees Geoga teeter on the brink of upheaval. Only her ascension can tip the scales before the country collapses into war against its neighbors. With an eclectic team at her back, Hotaru shoulders her looming fate, determined to finally make a stand.

 

I'm left wondering these questions: How are Geoga and Aimardin different? Is one a country and the other a planet name? If it is a different planet, how can she "forge her own path home"? Is the contrast between a pawn and a queen showing that she really is meant to be a queen, or is it just figurative? Who is this eclectic team? What is her looming fate?

 

The Firefly Well is a 147,000 word character-driven Fantasy with a diverse cast and dry sense of humor. A humanistic approach to alternate world fantasy, it showcases modern themes as seen in Les Grossman's The Magicians and magic systems not unlike those written by Diana Wynne Jones or Tamora Pierce in Tempests & Slaughter.

 

147,000 words is quite long. Also, you say this is character-driven, but the query does not reflect this. I still know next to nothing about the main character. That said, I love Diana Wynne Jones, so I would probably be interested in reading this story, but the query needs to focus more on who your main character is, what she wants, and what is stopping her from getting that. 


No query or synopsis up yet. Stay tuned if you wish to reciprocate on a critique I've given you.

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