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MAX VISION - A YOUNG ADULT BOOK


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#1 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 09:39 AM

WILL RETURN CRITIQUES ***

 

Title - MAX VISION

Category - Young Adult

Genre - Horror

 

Fifteen-year-old Max Jacob seems like a somewhat normal kid. He skateboards with friends, creates cool artwork, and tries his best to spend time with his hardworking mother.

But then there’s another Max.

He enjoys talking with Dartha in her abandoned house.

Dartha enjoys Max’s company. She even whispers sweet little words as he straightens out her portraits on her bedroom walls. After a long, rough day of high school, she reminds him that the other kids are not like him. They’re not special, and they’ll never understand his gift.

Max appreciates Dartha’s candor, but he does not believe he’s worthy of her precious, dead spirit, or Her supernatural costume.

For one, he doesn’t know how to strut in red high heels or sport her fancy black dress. She assures Max he’ll learn quick, especially if he does not want to be tormented, anymore.

And certainly, there are more bullies.

So maybe if Max wants to become the popular kid and get a date with his high school crush, he may just have to take the bullies out to Dartha’s house for a night or two and teach them how to treat a lady.

 


Preston Copeland

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#2 taylorhale

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 10:00 AM

 

WILL RETURN CRITIQUES ***

 

Title - MAX VISION

Category - Young Adult

Genre - Horror

 

Fifteen-year-old Max Jacob seems like a somewhat normal kid. He skateboards with friends, creates cool artwork, and tries his best to spend time with his hardworking mother.

But then there’s another Max. (literally? Does he have a clone? If not, consider: But there's another side of Max.)

He enjoys talking with Dartha (Who? Is this a friend or his grandma or his math teacher? Need to specify) in her abandoned house.

Dartha enjoys Max’s company. She even whispers sweet little words as he straightens out her portraits on her bedroom walls. After a long, rough day of high school, she reminds him that the other kids are not like him. They’re not special, and they’ll never understand his gift. (I'm getting confused)

Max appreciates Dartha’s candor, but he does not believe he’s worthy of her precious, dead spirit, or Her supernatural costume. (Very confused)

For one, he doesn’t know how to strut in red high heels or sport her fancy black dress. She assures Max he’ll learn quick, especially if he does not want to be tormented, anymore.

And certainly, there are more bullies. (What...!? Why would he need to wear high heels or a black dress. This is so confusing)

So maybe if Max wants to become the popular kid and get a date with his high school crush, he may just have to take a bully out to Dartha’s house for a night or two and teach them how to treat a lady. (Again, very confusing)

 

 

Hi!

 

I have no idea what this is about.

 

So Max is a fifteen-year-old with a gift. Got it. But that gift is unclear. Is Dartha some kind of witch? What the heck is a "precious, dead spirit supernatural costume"?

 

Why does he suddenly need to wear women's clothing? Has he always been bullied at school because that seemed random. Then all of a sudden he wants to be a popular kid. And he has a crush on someone? And he's going to take a nameless bully to Dartha's house to "treat a lady" - this also is so vague and doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

Some questions to consider:

 

Who is Max?

What does he want?

What obstacles must he face?

What must he sacrifice?

What are the consequences?

 

I think this query needs to be rewritten with much more clarity on the genre and on who Dartha is. I'm getting old witch vibes but I really have no idea. Max's "gift" needs to be made clear as well because I have no idea what it is. The overall plot is very confusing. 

 

Hope this helps! Good luck :-)



#3 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 10:36 AM

 

Lol, well that's a first. Thanks, Taylor. I appreciate the edit. You're the first person to not understand this query, but perhaps you are busy and read very quickly. Most people can read between the lines and easily see

that Dartha is a spirit who's influencing Max to use her supernatural dress to help him capture bullies and bring them to her abandoned house, so I haven't had to spell it out them.

I appreciate the list of questions though! But like I said, they've been answered, when you read between the lines.

I will make some tweaks from some of your suggestions, but my goal is not spell everything out, the goal is to make an agent curious, which I've already done numerous times with this story.

I will think more about what you said.

Thanks, dude

Will return the favor shortly!

 

 


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#4 taylorhale

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 11:36 AM

Why are you posting your query here for feedback if you think it's already agent ready? I didn't read it quickly. I reread it multiple times. No one should have to read between the lines to understand your query - it should be concise and to the point, which this is not. But I'm only one reader :) good luck and thanks for the feedback on mine!



#5 Bibliophyl

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 12:48 PM

I will chime in to agree with Taylorhale--I was confused by your query as well. I think queries are the one place where spelling stuff out is OK. Agents don't have time to read between the lines. They're skimming dozens of queries at a time and if they find something confusing they're not going to take the time to parse it out. There's not much space for subtlety.  

 

Dartha is a spirit who's influencing Max to use her supernatural dress to help him capture bullies and bring them to her abandoned house

 

 

This sentence from your explanation earlier is both understandable and interesting, and I think that's the sort of direction you should take for the query!



#6 smithgirl

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 02:18 PM

I really liked the previous version of your unconventional query. Did you try it? I thought that one really worked. This new one doesn't work for me.



#7 Preston Copeland.Biz

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 06:11 PM

Smithgirl, I just started sending out that query! 

 

It's funny how queries go... 4 people can like them, and 4 people can not, but I guess that's art.

 

As for this query, I believe perhaps, Taylorhale, Bibliophyl, and you are right about this query. (Throw it to the wolves.)

 

Smithgirl, here's the unconventional query I'm using now. Usually half the people like it, and the other half don't, but that's how it goes. 

Sometimes, I wish this was science. Lol

 

Title - MAX VISION

Category - YA

Genre - Horror

 

Fifteen-year-old Max lives in a trailer park. He would love the chance to wreak revenge on each of his bullies, but he's skinny and has gotten used to suffering. Hell, he barely has a real friend. He does seem to have one true believer, though. He often hears her whispering, “Only I can help you, Max. Don’t trust them, Max. Let me out!” 

Sometimes he tries to block out her voice, but he isn't even sure where it comes from. Will her influence turn Max into a twisted vigilante? What if he’s the reason that people are vanishing in his small Florida town? Seems the whisperer has bust out of her cell and is now roaming the streets . . . in Max’s body.


Preston Copeland

Website: prestoncopeland.biz

Twitter: @pcopeland2345

Email: pcopeland2345@gmail.com


#8 smithgirl

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Posted 07 August 2018 - 07:05 PM

I used to do science. It's not so predictable either. In fact, it's very stressful. But it pays better. 

 

I liked the other query more: He don't have muscles, etc. But who knows.

 

It is super frustrating: One person thinks your query is great, another person doesn't. In the end the only thing is whether an agent thinks is great. In my case, the agents seem unenthused.

 

Good luck.






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