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I'M A SLAVE, NOT A SLUT


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#1 trickster71

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Posted 08 August 2018 - 05:02 PM

I'd much rather work on someone else's query than my own :)

 

Kidnapped from a mall parking lot, Hailey Chapman becomes just like the bathing suit in her shopping bag – an object for sale.

Her abductors sell Hailey and her best friend Alyssa to a ruthless pimp. Hailey doesn’t know what they do with Jeff, her older brother, and fears she may never see him again. She is told if she tries to escape, she will be killed, along with every member of her family.

Hailey’s life is now on the street, trying to get enough cash to fulfill her daily quota. It is a world where human life is cheap. Being raped and beaten becomes her new normal. She endures countless indignities at the hands of her clients, her owner, and a vindictive woman who oversees the girls.

As Alyssa mentally deteriorates into a shell of a person, a bond forms between Hailey and the other slaves. When one has a baby, Hailey learns the insidious plan to use it for profit. Spiraling into a deep depression, she realizes she must find a way out of this hellish world and discover what became of Jeff.  It would be better to risk death than continue a life no longer worth living.           

I received my degree in English from the University of Toledo. My short stories can be found in various literary magazines including Morning Star, The Griffin, and Midwest Literary Magazine. I was nominated for the Micro Fiction Award in 2011. I’M A SLAVE, NOT A SLUT is a 79,000-word contemporary fiction inspired by my outreach work with street-level prostitutes in Toledo, Ohio, many of whom were victims of human trafficking.  Thank you for your time and consideration.


Want a more in-depth critique/edit of your query, synopsis, or MS?

Contact me at:  refugeforwriters.com

 


#2 taylorhale

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Posted 08 August 2018 - 06:31 PM

 

I'd much rather work on someone else's query than my own :) (SAME)

 

Kidnapped from a mall parking lot, Hailey Chapman becomes just like the bathing suit in her shopping bag – an object for sale. (Would the "when formula" be stronger here? I think it might be better to start with the character. When [age] Hailey Chapman is kidnapped from a mall parking lot, she becomes just like the bathing suit in her shopping back: an object for sale.)

Her abductors sell Hailey (awkward - consider:  Hailey's abductor's sell her) and her best friend Alyssa to a ruthless pimp. Hailey doesn’t know what they do with Jeff, her older brother, and fears she may never see him again. She is told if she tries to escape, she will be killed, along with every member of her family. (My initial impression was that Hailey was kidnapped alone. Maybe say "When Hailey and her friends" in the first line? I'm unsure if it matters though. Others might not be bothered by it)

Hailey’s life is now on the street, trying to get enough cash to fulfill her daily quota. It is a world where human life is cheap. Being raped and beaten becomes her new normal. (Consider: In a world where human life is as cheap as ____ (something unique and relative to the life. A pack of smokes?), being raped and beaten is her new normal.) She endures countless indignities at the hands of her clients, her owner, and a vindictive woman who oversees the girls.

As Alyssa mentally deteriorates into a shell of a person, a bond forms between Hailey and the other slaves. When one has a baby, Hailey learns the insidious plan to use it for profit. Spiraling into a deep depression, she realizes she must find a way out of this hellish world and discover what became of Jeff. (Jeff didn't seem that important until now, even though he's her brother. Maybe bring him into the third paragraph? Does Hailey long to see her brother again while she's enduring all that hell? Does she think of him and worry about him? Adding him to the third paragraph will be a better transition into the stakes here)  It would be better to risk death than continue a life no longer worth living. (I definitely see the stakes here but I feel it lacks the emotional punch it should have. It seems obvious to me that she would want out of this life. I think we need more here. I don't know what happens in the story so I don't know what to offer you. Something needs to trigger this decision, like Alyssa dying as a result of something. Someone kills her/she dies of an overdose. Or amp up what happens with the baby if that's the actual trigger)

I received my degree in English from the University of Toledo. My short stories can be found in various literary magazines including Morning Star, The Griffin, and Midwest Literary Magazine. I was nominated for the Micro Fiction Award in 2011. I’M A SLAVE, NOT A SLUT is a 79,000-word contemporary fiction inspired by my outreach work with street-level prostitutes in Toledo, Ohio, many of whom were victims of human trafficking. (Put this first, before what I highlighted pink) Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Hi, thanks for your feedback on my query! Hope my two cents are helpful :) I would also really like to know how old Haliey is. It's not YA so I'm assuming she's in her twenties, but it might be good to specify. 



#3 jpfranco

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Posted 09 August 2018 - 02:31 PM

Well, 49 people have looked at your query, and only one has critiqued. It may be that the title is kind of shocking, or it may be that we are intimidated by your publishing experience. 

 

 

 

I'd much rather work on someone else's query than my own :)

 

Kidnapped from a mall parking lot, Hailey Chapman becomes just like the bathing suit in her shopping bag – an object for sale. Perfect hook.

Her abductors sell Hailey and her best friend Alyssa to a ruthless pimp. Hailey doesn’t know what they do with Jeff, her older brother, and fears she may never see him again. So, I guess Jeff was captured, too. The fact that he's older makes me wonder exactly how old, and if he could have tried to fight. Anyway, it would draw me in more if you show the scene of the two of them being separated. She is told if she tries to escape, she will be killed, along with every member of her family. This sentence could be more active, which would draw the reader in and make the query more compelling, i.e. While they shove Hailey into a van, her attackers growl a warning... 

Hailey’s life is now on the street, trying to get enough cash to fulfill her daily quota. It is a world where human life is cheap. Being raped and beaten becomes her new normal. I think you could combine these two sentences, but others will probably say to keep it short and snappy. She endures countless indignities at the hands of her clients, her owner, Is the owner her pimp? and a vindictive woman who oversees the girls.  Maybe think about making this sentence about the vindictive woman and how horrible she is. A little more specific, more active, and makes us feel for the poor girls

As Alyssa mentally deteriorates into a shell of a person, a bond forms between Hailey and the other slaves. When one has a baby, Hailey learns the insidious plan to use it for profit. This would be more compelling if you had Hailey overhearing their evil captors discussing the baby one night, of something similar. Infuse her horror into it. Spiraling into a deep depression,  she realizes she must find a way out of this hellish world and discover what became of Jeff.  I think you should sprinkle some Jeff into the preceding paragraph, just a mention of Hailey wondering about him, so we don't forget him in our horror over what's happening to these poor girls. It would be better to risk death than continue a life no longer worth living. I'm with her, in fact I was wondering when she was going to try to run away, I mean, it can't get any worse than what she's currently enduring.      

 

The human trafficking thing is so horrific, and most Americans had no idea how prevalent it was until recently. It sounds like you have the background to write a book like this. I don't know how attached you are to your title, but I have a feeling a publisher might want to change it, and if you send this out and don't get any bites, maybe think about changing it. 

I received my degree in English from the University of Toledo. My short stories can be found in various literary magazines including Morning Star, The Griffin, and Midwest Literary Magazine. I was nominated for the Micro Fiction Award in 2011. I’M A SLAVE, NOT A SLUT is a 79,000-word contemporary fiction inspired by my outreach work with street-level prostitutes in Toledo, Ohio, many of whom were victims of human trafficking.  Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Here's a link to my query if you have the time: http://agentquerycon...ce-revised-614/

 






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