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Vyredome - YA Fantasy

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#1 TClark

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Posted 13 August 2018 - 07:10 PM

Leznilia is a girl of very words, not the personality trait you’d expect from the leader of a human uprising.

 

Sixteen-year-old Leznilia is like any other slum dweller of Vyredome, she bickers with her family’s magic cat, consumes two blood meals a day, and watches over her younger brother, not an easy task in a city monitored by vampiric creatures known as the Watch. Her life in poverty has become routine until she narrowly avoids a mass feeding one day at the market. Fleeing from the carnage, she stumbles upon a wounded yet cursed clown and returns him to his owner, an ancient and powerful witch. 

 

Now bestowed with the gift of magic, Leznilia wastes no time building the life she has always wanted: blood, servants, and the resurrection of her dead brother. Yet as her power grows, such ambition doesn’t escape the notice of the Gentlemen, the powerful overlords of Vyredome. Narrowly escaping an assault on her home by the Watch, Leznilia flees the city with her family, scorching a hole straight through the imprisoning walls of Vyredome.

 

Isolated from her home and facing the wrath of the Gentlemen, Leznilia has limited time to unite the few allies she can find outside the walls of city. As her family is torn apart by infighting and the forces of the Watch draw closer, Leznilia must decide whether her dreams of a free Vyredome will be worth the fight, or if the death of her family is an acceptable loss for her ambition.

 

VYREDOME is YA fantasy novel with series potential at 98,000 words. VYREDOME will appeal to fans of dark humor and lovecraftain-styled villains. I am recent college graduate with multiple short stories published in the Tennessee magazine.   



#2 Wayfarer

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Posted 13 August 2018 - 10:46 PM

Sixteen-year-old Leznilia is a girl of very few words, a surprising personality trait for the leader of a human uprising.

 

 

Leznilia is like any other slum dweller of Vyredome; she bickers with her family’s magic cat, consumes two blood meals a day, and watches over her younger brother--not an easy task in a city monitored by vampiric creatures known as the Watch (add something here about them working for the Gentleman, so that it makes sense when you mention them later on). Staying out of sight had always been the routine of life, but after a narrow escape from a mass feeding at the market, hiding becomes the last thing she'll ever do again. Fleeing from the carnage, she stumbles upon a lost clown and helps return him to his owner, an ancient and powerful witch. 

 

In payment for her kindness, the witch bestows Leznilia with the gift of magic. As her new powers grow, so too does her ambition. Blood, servants, the freedom of Vyredome, and something she never intended--the notice of the Gentleman. Threatened by her upstart attitude and surprising strength, they make an assassination attempt on Leznilia and her family. Narrowly escaping, Leznilia flees the city with her family, the walls that had ever been her prison now casting her out as a heretic.scorching a hole straight through the imprisoning walls of Vyredome.

 

 

[and the resurrection of her dead brother(Way too confusing a plot point to add without prior foreshadowing. Is it the same brother? You can't just drop that he's dead now like that. If it's a different brother, well it's just as random a point to add).]

 

Isolated from her home and facing the wrath of the Gentlemen, Leznilia has limited time to unite the few allies she can find outside the walls of city. As her family is torn apart by infighting and the forces of the Watch draw closer, Leznilia must decide whether her dreams of a free Vyredome will be worth the fight, or if the death of her family is too high a price for her ambition.

 

I think you have too much going on here. You need to cut certain points out and refine the conflict leading to the stakes.

 

(Also, I wouldn't mention anything you've had published that wasn't in a paying market.)



#3 MichaelDG1

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Posted 13 August 2018 - 11:43 PM

"Cursed clown" is a pretty powerful image. If you are not going to explain it more, it is almost too powerful to include. 

I had a hard time distinguishing between the Watch and the Gentlemen. Are they different branches/divisions of the same overlords?

 

I like how the magical gift causes her more problems.

 

Other than the first two items I mentioned and the items Wayfarer pointed out, it sounds like it is almost there!



#4 TClark

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Posted 14 August 2018 - 06:56 PM

Sixteen-year-old Leznilia is a girl of very few words, a surprising personality trait for the leader of a human uprising.

 

Leznilia is like any other slum dweller of Vyredome, she bickers with her family’s magic cat, consumes two blood meals a day, and watches over her younger brother, not an easy task in a city ruled over by the powerful Gentlemen and their vampiric servants, the Watch. Staying out of sight had always been the routine of life, but after a narrow escape from a mass feeding at the market, hiding becomes the last thing she'll ever do again. Fleeing from the carnage, she stumbles upon a wounded yet cursed clown and returns him to his owner, an ancient and powerful witch. 

 

In payment for her kindness, the witch bestows Leznilia with the gift of magic. As her new powers grow, so too does her ambition. Blood, servants, and the even the resurrection of her long dead brother. Yet she never intended to attract the attention of the Gentlemen. Threatened by her upstart attitude and surprising strength, they make an assassination attempt on Leznilia and her family. The fight decimates the city, but in the end Leznilia and her family are forced into exile far beyond the walls of Vyredome. 

 

Now isolated from her home and facing the wrath of the Gentlemen, Leznilia has limited time to unite the few allies she can find outside the walls of city. As her family is torn apart by infighting and the forces of the Watch draw closer, Leznilia must decide whether her dreams of a free Vyredome will be worth the fight, or if the death of her family is too high a price for her ambition.

 

VYREDOME is YA fantasy novel with series potential at 98,000 words. VYREDOME will appeal to fans of dark humor and lovecraftain-styled villains. I am recent college graduate with multiple short stories published in the Tennessee magazine.   



#5 Cez

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Posted 19 August 2018 - 08:48 AM

 

Sixteen-year-old Leznilia is a girl of very few words, a surprising personality trait for the leader of a human uprising.

 

Leznilia is like any other slum dweller of Vyredome, she bickers with her family’s magic cat, consumes two blood meals a day, and watches over her younger brother, not an easy task in a city ruled over by the powerful Gentlemen and their vampiric servants, the Watch. Staying out of sight had has always been the routine of life, but after a narrow escape from a mass feeding at the market, hiding becomes the last thing she'll ever do again You imply something happened here that makes her rebellious, that makes her decide not to hide anymore. I feel you need more detail. hat happened that changed her?. Fleeing from the carnage, she stumbles upon a wounded yet cursed clown and returns him to his owner, an ancient and powerful witch. 

 

In payment for her kindness, the witch bestows Leznilia with the gift of magic. As her new powers grow, so too does her ambition Great line!. Blood, servants, and the even the resurrection of her long dead brother I don't understand this line. It's like a fragment . Yet she never intended to attract the attention of the Gentlemen. Threatened by her upstart attitude and surprising strength, they make an assassination attempt on Leznilia and her family. The fight decimates the city, but in the end Leznilia and her family are forced into exile far beyond the walls of Vyredome. 

 

Now isolated from her home Homeless and facing the wrath of the Gentlemen, Leznilia has limited time to unite the few allies she can find outside the walls of city -great line. As her family is torn apart by infighting and the forces of the Watch draw closer, Leznilia must decide whether her dreams of a free Vyredome will be worth the fight If this is her goal and her dream, you should mention it earlier in the query, do some foreshadowing. Also what drives her to want this?, or if the death of her family is too high a price for her ambition.

 

VYREDOME is YA fantasy novel with series potential at 98,000 words. VYREDOME will appeal to fans of dark humor and lovecraftain-styled villains. I am recent college graduate with multiple short stories published in the Tennessee magazine.   

 

The overall structure of your query is pretty good, but you should make your main character's goal clearer, and perhaps show a little more of her character. Is she rebellious, is she proud or vain?



#6 Andrew Rosenberg

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Posted 19 August 2018 - 04:25 PM

Sounds like a fun read! :)

Comments inline.

 

Sixteen-year-old Leznilia is a girl of very few words, a surprising personality trait for the leader of a human uprising. not sure that follows... Also is her vocabulary her defining trait? Is there something more powerful that defines her?

Not in love with the name. 

 

Leznilia is like any other slum dweller of Vyredome, she bickers with her family’s magic cat but she has few words, consumes two blood meals a day, and watches over her younger brother, not an easy task in a city ruled over by the powerful Gentlemen like the Buffy episode? and their vampiric servants, the Watch. Staying out of sight had always been the routine of life, but after a narrow escape from a mass feeding at the market, hiding becomes the last thing she'll ever do again why?. Fleeing from the carnage, she stumbles upon a wounded yet cursed clown they're always getting in the way :( and returns him to his owner, an ancient and powerful witch. 

 

In payment for her kindness, the witch bestows Leznilia with the gift of magic what kind of magic?. As her new powers grow show, so too does her ambition show. Blood, servants, and the even the resurrection of her long dead brother. what? I thought she was watching over him. Yet she never intended to attract the attention of the Gentlemen. Threatened by her upstart attitude and surprising strength, they make an attempt assassination attempt on Leznilia and her family. The fight decimates the city how?, but in the end, Leznilia and her family are forced into exile far beyond the walls of Vyredome. 

 

Now isolated from her home and facing the wrath of the Gentlemen, Leznilia has limited time to unite the few allies she can find outside the walls of city. As her family is torn apart by infighting why? and the forces of the Watch draw closer, Leznilia must decide whether her dreams of a free Vyredome will be worth the fight, or if the death of her family is too high a price for her ambition. why is this the choice?

 

VYREDOME is YA fantasy novel with series potential at 98,000 words. VYREDOME will appeal to fans of dark humor and lovecraftain-styled villains. I am recent college graduate with multiple short stories published in the Tennessee magazine.   

 

Curious as to what sets your story apart from others? What are the unique elements? 

I think you're pretty close.



#7 StephenLost

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Posted 20 August 2018 - 03:30 PM


 

Sixteen-year-old Leznilia is a girl of very few words, a surprising personality trait for the leader of a human uprising.

 

Leznilia is like any other slum dweller of Vyredome, she bickers with her family’s magic cat, consumes two blood meals a day, and watches over her younger brother, not an easy task in a city ruled over by the powerful Gentlemen and their vampire servants, known only as the Watch. Staying in the shadows had always been a routine part of life, but after narrowly escaping a mass feeding at the market, hiding becomes the last thing she'll ever do again. Fleeing the carnage, she stumbles upon a wounded yet cursed clown and returns him to his owner, an ancient witch. 

 

In payment for her kindness, the witch bestows Leznilia with the gift of magic. As her new powers grow, so too does her ambition. Blood, servants, and the even the resurrection of her long dead brother. Yet she never intended to attract the attention of the Watchers. Threatened by her blatant defiance and surprising strength, they make an assassination attempt on Leznilia and her family. The fight decimates the city, but Leznilia and her family survive and are forced into exile far beyond the walls of Vyredome. 

 

Now isolated from her home and facing the wrath of the Gentlemen, Leznilia rushes to unite the communities living outside the walls. As her family is torn apart by infighting and the forces of the Watch draw near, Leznilia must decide whether her dreams of a free Vyredome will be worth the fight, or if the death of her family is too high a price for her ambition.

 

VYREDOME is YA fantasy novel with series potential at 98,000 words. VYREDOME will appeal to fans of dark humor and lovecraftain-styled villains. I am recent college graduate with multiple short stories published in the Tennessee magazine.   

 

A solid start  You have the framework down just try to add suspense and danger. Shortened it a little and changed the word play as I saw fit. I felt the clown description was a bit awkward.  Just did not strike me as the best wording you could get for the sentence.  I don't know the character enough to change it.  Best of luck   Hope I helped   Looking for counter critiques here

http://agentquerycon...ll-be-returned/







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