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#1 jrjan1

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Posted 17 August 2018 - 12:08 PM

I rewrote this. I think it is much better. Does it explain enough? I still don't like the last sentence of the third paragraph.

 

Do you think this first sentence makes it sound like a fantasy?

 

In 16th century France, legends are real, superstitions run deep, and witches are everywhere. Fifteen-year old Agnes wants to be like Meme and learn the ways of nature to treat the sick. To the locals, Meme is a foreigner with a thick Spanish accent who looks out of place and practices strange customs—a witch. To Agnes, she is simply Grandma.

 

Seeking help for a snakebite, Henry, son of the mayor, finds himself in Meme’s care. Though unnerved by the unconventional herbalist, Henry is infatuated with her beautiful granddaughter, The couple fall in love, but afraid of a scandal on their reputation, his mother refuses to bless their union unless Agnes gives up her dreams of being a healer.

 

The plague sweeping through the countryside recognizes neither family, friend, nor foe. Meme rushes to help, but lingering rumors escalate until she is blamed for causing the disease. Warned of her impending arrest, she saves herself from the stake in one horrific event. When family and former friends betray Agnes, she learns whether her good reputation is enough to save her.

 

Steeped in the religious and political intrigue of the Renaissance with topics that still resonate today, BOOK TITLE is a 121,000 word multi-perspective historical.



#2 lnloft

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Posted 17 August 2018 - 10:39 PM

Not to be a stickler, but you've already got a post for your query. Keep all revisions in the same post so that we don't get the board bogged down and so that people know where to critique. You can use the full editor to change your post and tell people to ignore this one so they stick with the other. Thanks.


Nothing to reciprocate on right now; I'm off in the query trenches.


#3 Emily804

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Posted 18 August 2018 - 12:50 AM

I rewrote this. I think it is much better. Does it explain enough? I still don't like the last sentence of the third paragraph.

 

Do you think this first sentence makes it sound like a fantasy?

Yes.

 

In 16th century France, legends are real, superstitions run deep, and witches are everywhere. Fifteen-year old Agnes wants to be like Meme and learn the ways of nature to treat the sick. To the locals, Meme is a foreigner with a thick Spanish accent who looks out of place and practices strange customs—a witch. To Agnes, she is simply Grandma.

 

Seeking help for a snakebite, Henry, son of the mayor, finds himself in Meme’s care. Though unnerved by the unconventional herbalist, Henry is infatuated with her beautiful granddaughter, <Period here instead of comma. The couple fall in love, but afraid of a scandal on that could ruin their reputation, his mother refuses to bless their union unless Agnes gives up her dreams of being a healer.

 

The plague sweeping through the countryside recognizes neither family, friend, nor foe. Meme rushes to help, but lingering rumors escalate until she is blamed for causing the disease. Warned of her impending arrest, she saves herself from the stake in one horrific event. When family and former friends betray Agnes, she learns whether her good reputation is enough to save her.

 

Steeped in the religious and political intrigue of the Renaissance with topics that still resonate today, BOOK TITLE is a 121,000 word multi-perspective historical.

 

It looks good to me! Edits are above in blue.


Query Compatibility YA sci-fi: http://agentquerycon...lity-ya-sci-fi/


#4 taylorhale

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Posted 18 August 2018 - 11:11 PM

I rewrote this. I think it is much better. Does it explain enough? I still don't like the last sentence of the third paragraph.

 

Do you think this first sentence makes it sound like a fantasy? yep

 

In 16th sixteenth century France, legends are real, superstitions run deep, and witches are everywhere. Fifteen-year old Agnes wants to be like Meme and learn the ways of nature to treat the sick. To the locals, Meme is a foreigner with a thick Spanish accent who looks out of place and practices strange customs—a witch. To Agnes, she is simply Grandma.

 

Seeking help for a snakebite, Henry, son of the mayor, finds himself in Meme’s care. Though unnerved by the unconventional herbalist, Henry is infatuated with her beautiful granddaughter,. (Period instead of comma) The couple fall in love, but afraid of a scandal on their reputation, his mother refuses to bless their union unless Agnes gives up her dreams of being a healer.

 

The plague sweeping through the countryside recognizes neither family, friend, nor foe. Meme rushes to help, but lingering rumors escalate until she is blamed for causing the disease. Warned of her impending arrest, she saves herself from the stake in one horrific event. When family and former friends betray Agnes, she learns whether her good reputation is enough to save her. (I think this is all well-written but what are the stakes? This last paragraph is a little confusing)

 

Steeped in the religious and political intrigue of the Renaissance with topics that still resonate today, BOOK TITLE is a 121,000 word multi-perspective historical.



#5 JoQwerty

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Posted 19 August 2018 - 03:13 AM

In 16th century France, legends are real, superstitions run deep, and witches are everywhere.

 

If you wrote something like:

 

In 16th century France superstitions run deep, and people see witches on every corner.

 

Then it sounds less like a fantasy and we get the impression that while people are superstitious and believe in witches, witches themselves are not real. If this is to be historical fiction, then that is the sense you want to get across.



#6 Cez

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Posted 19 August 2018 - 09:09 AM

I rewrote this. I think it is much better. Does it explain enough? I still don't like the last sentence of the third paragraph.

 

Do you think this first sentence makes it sound like a fantasy?

 

In 16th century France, legends are real, superstitions run deep, and witches are everywhere I suggest you start with your character. Fifteen-year old Agnes wants to be like Meme This would make a great first line. and learn the ways of nature to treat the sick. To the locals, Meme is a foreigner with a thick Spanish accent who looks out of place and practices strange customs—a witch. To Agnes, she is simply Grandma. Your first pargraph is good and you do a good job of introducing Agnes and her goal.

 

Seeking help for a snakebite, Henry, son of the mayor, finds himself in Meme’s care. Though unnerved by the unconventional herbalist, Henry is infatuated with her beautiful granddaughter, The couple fall in love, but afraid of a scandal on their reputation, his mother refuses to bless their union unless Agnes gives up her dreams of being a healer. This paragraph is where I felt jolted. I was just getting into Agnes' perspective and then to read of her from another persons POV felt strange, perhaps because I didn't expect it.

 

The plague sweeping through the countryside recognizes neither family, friend, nor foe. Meme rushes to help, but lingering rumors escalate until she is blamed for causing the disease. Warned of her impending arrest, she saves herself from the stake in one horrific event This is too vague. When family and former friends betray Agnes, she learns whether her good reputation is enough to save her. You have a lot of goals and conflict in your story, I'm sure you can write a stronger last line.

 

Steeped in the religious and political intrigue of the Renaissance with topics that still resonate today, BOOK TITLE is a 121,000 word multi-perspective historical.

You start with Agnes, then shift to Henry, then to Meme, then to Agnes again. I know this is a multiple POV book, but I suggest you stick to one or at the most two character perspectives in your query, otherwise it's too confusing. I felt jolted when I read it. 

 

I'm sorry if my critique is a bit harsh, but I think being honest will help more than being complimentary. Good luck with your revisions.







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