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YA SFF Beyond the North Star


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#1 ViviMont

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Posted 19 August 2018 - 08:05 PM

(Peter Pan meets Treasure Planet retelling. Thank you! Will reciprocate the critique)
 
 
 
 
It’s difficult to tell what I feel the loudest. I’m at the end, and it’s as if I’ve captured a breath after staying underwater too long. Yet more consuming than relief, is the uncertainty of what waits for me on the surface.
 
The gravporter halts on the final level with a hiss of air. My knees lock into place.
 
Whether I’m ready for it or not, after today everything I’ve worked for will be mine: the title of captain, the finest ship in the galaxy, but mostly the freedom of open space. 
 
My uncle’s voice seeps into my head. Is there freedom in the promise of war, Tethys? Will you attain it with your heart or demand it with the point of a sword?
 
I clench my fists, shutting out the thought. I can’t allow myself to go there. If ever I needed confidence in the Acquisition, it’s today. I need to focus on the final trial, on my last test, and then I can prove I’m the woman Uncle believes me to be. The door spirals open and I step forward, yanking at the sleeves of my armored bodysuit. My boots glide over the training hall’s sleek, metal floor. 
 
From ground up, the domed, reflective glass ripples like a snake’s glossy skin to reveal the Guta moon and the sun peeking just over its shoulder. I inhale the familiar stringent scent of a recent sterilized room. And in the hazy glow of early morning, the cavernous room atop the Acquisition Starship wraps me in the chill and quietness of deep space.

I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#2 Bill in Memphis

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Posted 20 August 2018 - 01:05 PM

 

(Peter Pan meets Treasure Planet retelling. Thank you! Will reciprocate the critique)
 
 
 
 
It’s difficult to tell what I feel the loudest. I’m at the end, and it’s as if I’ve captured a breath after staying underwater too long. Yet more consuming than relief, is the uncertainty of what waits for me on the surface.  I found this confusing, hard to visualize and unncessary.
 
The gravporter halts on the final level with a hiss of air. My knees lock into place. Perfect opening sentence.
 
Whether I’m ready for it or not, after today everything I’ve worked for will be mine: the title of captain, the finest ship in the galaxy, but mostly the freedom of open space. Note: would a brand new pilot be assigned to the finest ship in the galaxy?
 
My uncle’s voice seeps into my head. Is there freedom in the promise of war, Tethys? Will you attain it with your heart or demand it with the point of a sword?
 
I clench my fists, shutting out the thought. I can’t allow myself to go there. If ever I needed confidence in the Acquisition, it’s today. I need to focus on the final trial, on my last test, and then I can prove I’m the woman Uncle believes me to be. The door spirals I can't visualize this open and I step forward, yanking at the sleeves of my armored bodysuit. My boots glide over the training hall’s sleek, metal floor. Wait...what? I thought this was the galaxy's finest ship?
 
From ground up, the domed, reflective glass ripples like a snake’s glossy skin would she know what a snake's skin looked like? to reveal the Guta moon and the sun peeking just over its shoulder. I inhale the familiar stringent scent of a recent sterilized room. If this is a starship, would it use liquid solvents? I'm just asking. And in the hazy glow of early morning, the cavernous room atop the Acquisition Starship wraps me in the chill and quietness of deep space.

 

 

There's no issue with the prose, it good, clean and succinct. But I'm assuming this is the first 250 words of the book, and as such it really needs to grab me.


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Please visit my website and blog at: http://thelastbrigade.com/

 


#3 ViviMont

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Posted 21 August 2018 - 12:35 PM

Thanks, Bill!


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#4 Emily804

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Posted 04 September 2018 - 08:05 PM

I have to disagree with Bill. I really like this part "It’s difficult to tell what I feel the loudest. I’m at the end, and it’s as if I’ve captured a breath after staying underwater too long. Yet more consuming than relief, is the uncertainty of what waits for me on the surface."

 

I think to make it less confusing you can just add more description to that paragraph. For example "It's difficult to tell what I feel the loudest as I stare at the wall of the gravporter."

 

Or you could do something like "It’s difficult to tell what I feel the loudest. I’m at the end, and it’s as if I’ve captured a breath after staying underwater too long. Yet more consuming than relief, is the uncertainty of what waits for me on the surface. I'm staring at a wall but all I can think about is drowning."

 

You can lead with confusion and then add clarifying description or you can start with concrete description of what the character is seeing or doing and then go to the metaphors about how it makes her feel.  

 

Or you can try something else altogether. 

 

Good luck!!


Query Compatibility YA sci-fi: http://agentquerycon...lity-ya-sci-fi/


#5 Bill in Memphis

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Posted 05 September 2018 - 10:16 AM

Thanks, Bill!

 

You know I'm always glad to help.


Follow me on twitter @jointhebrigade1

 

Please visit my website and blog at: http://thelastbrigade.com/

 


#6 Dollophead

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Posted 06 October 2018 - 09:16 PM

It’s difficult to tell what I feel the loudest. I’m at the end, and it’s as if I’ve captured a breath after staying underwater too long. It's almost painful how good this opening is. Yet more consuming than relief, NO COMMA is the uncertainty of what waits for me on the surface. Guh. Wow.
 
The gravporter halts on the final level with a hiss of air. My knees lock into place. Nice establishment of setting/theme/genre
 
Whether I’m ready for it or not, after today, everything I’ve worked for will be mine: the title of captain, the finest ship in the galaxy, but mostly the freedom of open space. 
 
My uncle’s voice seeps into my head. Is there freedom in the promise of war, Tethys? Will you attain it with your heart or demand it with the point of a sword? I like what you're trying to do here, but did her uncle really talk like this? Also, this "dialogue flashback" could be easily replaced with a clear image of her uncle giving her a disapproving look (or whatever). 
 
I clench my fists, shutting out the thought. I can’t allow myself to go there. If ever I needed confidence in the Acquisition, it’s today. I need to focus on the final trial, on my last test, and then I can prove I’m the woman Uncle believes me to be. This would be a good place to tell us about the Acquisition.The door spirals open and I step forward, yanking at the sleeves of my armored bodysuit. My boots glide over the training hall’s sleek, metal floor. I love this I love this I love this.
 
From ground up, the domed, reflective glass ripples like a snake’s glossy skin to reveal the Guta moon and the sun peeking just over its shoulder. I inhale the familiar stringent scent of a recently sterilized room. And in the hazy glow of early morning (sunrise in space?), the cavernous room atop the Acquisition Starship wraps me in the chill and quietness of deep space.
 
I love your title. I love your prose. I love everything. Let me read your book.


#7 ViviMont

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Posted 18 October 2018 - 12:35 PM

I have to disagree with Bill. I really like this part "It’s difficult to tell what I feel the loudest. I’m at the end, and it’s as if I’ve captured a breath after staying underwater too long. Yet more consuming than relief, is the uncertainty of what waits for me on the surface."

 

I think to make it less confusing you can just add more description to that paragraph. For example "It's difficult to tell what I feel the loudest as I stare at the wall of the gravporter."

 

Or you could do something like "It’s difficult to tell what I feel the loudest. I’m at the end, and it’s as if I’ve captured a breath after staying underwater too long. Yet more consuming than relief, is the uncertainty of what waits for me on the surface. I'm staring at a wall but all I can think about is drowning."

 

You can lead with confusion and then add clarifying description or you can start with concrete description of what the character is seeing or doing and then go to the metaphors about how it makes her feel.  

 

Or you can try something else altogether. 

 

Good luck!!

 

 

Thank you! I like that idea. The feedback on that first line has always been split down the middle. But I just love the whole "feeling" sound thing. I'll try to keep it, and I like your suggestion of adding something grounding right away. 


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 


#8 ViviMont

ViviMont

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Posted 18 October 2018 - 12:50 PM

 

It’s difficult to tell what I feel the loudest. I’m at the end, and it’s as if I’ve captured a breath after staying underwater too long. It's almost painful how good this opening is. Yet more consuming than relief, NO COMMA is the uncertainty of what waits for me on the surface. Guh. Wow.
 
The gravporter halts on the final level with a hiss of air. My knees lock into place. Nice establishment of setting/theme/genre
 
Whether I’m ready for it or not, after today, everything I’ve worked for will be mine: the title of captain, the finest ship in the galaxy, but mostly the freedom of open space. 
 
My uncle’s voice seeps into my head. Is there freedom in the promise of war, Tethys? Will you attain it with your heart or demand it with the point of a sword? I like what you're trying to do here, but did her uncle really talk like this? Also, this "dialogue flashback" could be easily replaced with a clear image of her uncle giving her a disapproving look (or whatever). 
 
I clench my fists, shutting out the thought. I can’t allow myself to go there. If ever I needed confidence in the Acquisition, it’s today. I need to focus on the final trial, on my last test, and then I can prove I’m the woman Uncle believes me to be. This would be a good place to tell us about the Acquisition.The door spirals open and I step forward, yanking at the sleeves of my armored bodysuit. My boots glide over the training hall’s sleek, metal floor. I love this I love this I love this.
 
From ground up, the domed, reflective glass ripples like a snake’s glossy skin to reveal the Guta moon and the sun peeking just over its shoulder. I inhale the familiar stringent scent of a recently sterilized room. And in the hazy glow of early morning (sunrise in space?), the cavernous room atop the Acquisition Starship wraps me in the chill and quietness of deep space.
 
I love your title. I love your prose. I love everything. Let me read your book.

 

 

 

Thank you so much!! If you ever want to read it, I'd love a beta. I'm a little booked right now with Critique partners but can always return the favor later on! 


I hope I've been helpful in some way. If you have the chance, I'm currently looking for all the help I can get on my first 250 of Elementalist. Thanks so much and may the words be with you!
 
Look for me on twitter. :) @@AuthorVV_Mont
 
 
Beyond The North Star: First 250
Beyond The North Star: First 250 of 2nd Ch. (Different POV)

[topic='Beyond the North Star Query']http://agentquerycon...ar-revision-15/[/topic]

 





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