Fourteen-year old Beth Hawthorne needs a fresh start; something humans have trouble obtaining in a land overpopulated with immortals.
I read this sentence a few times, and it just isn't doing it for me. It's a bit clunky. Hooks are also all about the art of suggestion. You're trying, with a single sentence, to get the reader to imagine the world you unfold in your book. The only thing I imagine from this hook is some social tensions between two different races, which isn't unique or exciting. I don't get any charactarazation (beth isn't anything, from reading this) and it's just sort of there. Pinpoint what world you want your readers to imagine, and then write your hook accordingly.
But things will be different at the Royal Academy, away from the threat of invasion from a neighboring kingdom of fairies This sentence reads really clunky as well. It's not clean and it sounds like an info dump. We also don't know anything about Royal academy and it's never clarified. She can’t wait to leave rumors of her long dead father being the Wayfarer—the thief who snatched a mythical weapon from the pages of history—in her village, where bedtime stories belong. Good last line, it's clean and brings great charactarization.
Here's how you might compose this so that it flows more smoothly and transitions better, while using fewer words and providing more info:
"Royal academy, a (I'm guessing here) boarding school that provides humans safe haven from the invading fairies, might just be Beth's chance to escape her past. To leave rumors that her long-dead father was the Wayfarer--a thief who snatched a mythical (specify the weapon. Was it a sword? An axe? A book? "Weapon" is too vague) from (the pages of history is also too vague, and doesn't really evoke much. More specifics here)--in her village, where bedtime stories belong"
But Beth finds for something that's clearly YA fiction (protag is 14) that word is not a good choice.
inconspicuousness a challenge when the Academy avoid words like "begins" that are passive verbage, and "crawling with conspiracies" makes no sense and is vague. Try "... a challenge when rumors that the fairies are searching for the Wayfarer spread like wildfire." begins crawling with conspiracies about the Wayfarer legend—. We need a new sentence here, you use dashes too often. Just kill this sentence and put the info in the other one, as I did in my example namely that the fairies are searching for him. And when a broken curfew vague, not relavent. sets her in the path of the demonic Darks also vague. Who are the Darks? What are their motivations? Why do I as a reader care?, she knows she shouldn't have survived too vague. Why DID she survive? why did she know she shouldnt?. She knows they are lying, too, when they hail her as the Wayfarer.
So that last paragraph somewhat falls apart at the end. Here's the relevant portions I would keep. Remove/rework the rest so it's clearer.
"But Beth finds blending in a challenge, when rumors that the fairies are looking for the Wayfarer spread like wildfire." You can actually toss this on the end of your first paragraph, since it's pretty short. Then you can devote your entire next paragraph to establishing who the Darks are (they sound like a main antagonist, along with the fairies), how Beth meets them, and what role this plays in the plot.
Beth doesn’t own an extra pair of shoes, much less an all-powerful
weapon, but she it is the excuse for invasion the desperately overcrowded fairies have fairy kingdom has been waiting for to invade. Taking the Darks’ word, When the fairies attack , and Beth flees with the destruction of the Academy is on her Beth's conscience.
These are just events, there's no stakes here. Are the fairies going to keep going? Do they threaten the whole land? If so, we'd better see it here. Me guessing your plot, I'd add a sentence, so it reads like this:
Beth doesn't own an extra pair of shoes, much less an all-powerful sword (still guessing on that one), but she is the excuse the desperately overcrowded fairies have been waiting for to invade. When the fairies attack, the destruction of the Academy is on Beth's conscience, and the fairies aren't finished yet. They plan to overrun the kingdom, purging the mortals from the lands they desire.
A war against immortals cannot be won, but Beth
knows she can has the power to stop it. She need only avoid the genocidal manhunt long enough to prove she isn’t the Wayfarer— or surrender to the truth. This leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Part of your stakes is the mystery of why Beth is being called the wayfarer, a mystery that actually works pretty well. Just flat-out saying that she is doesn't do your query any favors, especially in such a vague statement. It also isn't good to give two different paths that she might go down in order to solve. Just pick the one that actually happens in your book and use it. Either she proves she's not, or she becomes it, though I'm guessing it's the latter and she tries the former unsuccessfully. If that is the case, here's how you could better portray it.
"A war against immortals cannot be won, but Beth has the power to stop it, if she can avoid the genocidal manhunt long enough to confront the rumors about her past and embrace the identity of the Wayfarer that's infected her life like a plague."
Wow that's a lot of red, but let me just add a few more notes.
-That word count is super-duper long for YA, even if it's fantasy. It's going to be a hard sell, let me just warn you of that up front.
-It's a pet peeve of several literary agents to say "XXX novel is complete at", because they know it's complete, or you wouldn't be querying. It's usually better to say, "XXX is a XXXX novel of XXX words".
Good luck and happy querying! I critique because I care.