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YA Fantasy The Thief of Ages

Fiction Adventure Fantasy Young Adult

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#1 Dollophead

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Posted 04 September 2018 - 01:29 PM

I was on here about a year ago but got really busy with student teaching and job hunting blah blah. Got some really good feedback on here that made me go back and edit my whole manuscript! So I'm back for more.

 

Will edit your query letter if you do mine!

 

Rumors of Beth Hawthorne’s father being the Wayfarer—the thief who snatched a powerful weapon from the eyes of history—died with him. Now a servant to her stepfamily, Beth plans to escape to the Royal Academy, where she can avoid her cruel stepsisters and impending war from the neighboring fairy kingdom, Arison. But Beth’s arrival at the Academy threatens the safety of all students when she meets the Darks—demonic entities with murderous tendencies.

 

They seem to know Beth, and they seem to like her. But can the Darks be believed when they name her the Wayfarer? Impossible, maybe, but she knows she is at fault when Arison invades to find her. To clear her name and end the war, Beth must race against the fairies to prove the Wayfarer is only a myth—if that’s even true.

 

THE THIEF OF AGES is complete at 113,000 words. Readers who love the high-stakes adventures of Patrick Rothfuss’s THE KINGKILLER CHRONICLE series, and the sophisticated magic of Sarah Maas’s A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES series will enjoy THE THIEF OF AGES. Per your agency's submission guidelines, I have included the [WHATEVER] pasted below.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 


#2 HarlequinWriter

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Posted 04 September 2018 - 08:55 PM

Rumors of Beth Hawthorne’s father being the Wayfarer—the thief who snatched a powerful weapon from the eyes of history—died with him. Now a servant to her cruel stepfamily, Beth plans to escape to the Royal Academy, where she can avoid her cruel stepsisters and impending war from the neighboring fairy kingdom Why is there an impending war?, Arison. But Beth’s arrival at the Academy threatens the safety of all students when she meets the Darks—demonic entities with murderous tendencies. Why are Darks allowed on Academy grounds? 

 

They seem to know Beth, and they seem to like her. But can the Darks be believed when they name her the Wayfarer? Impossible, maybe, but she knows she is at fault when Arison invades to find her. Did Arison believe the Darks? But if they're so evil, then why? And how did they learn this information? To clear her name and end the war, This might make more sense if we knew the reasons for the war Beth must race against the fairies to prove the Wayfarer is only a myth—if that’s even true. How do you prove something is only a myth? Maybe it you expanded on how she plans to do this, it could be more interesting. And it might be cool to learn about what makes the stolen weapon so powerful.  

 

THE THIEF OF AGES is complete at 113,000 words. Readers who love the high-stakes adventures of Patrick Rothfuss’s THE KINGKILLER CHRONICLE series, and the sophisticated magic of Sarah Maas’s A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES series will enjoy THE THIEF OF AGES. Per your agency's submission guidelines, I have included the [WHATEVER] pasted below.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration. 



#3 Dollophead

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Posted 05 September 2018 - 11:05 PM

Thanks Harlequin Writer! That was really helpful!



#4 Dollophead

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Posted 05 September 2018 - 11:07 PM

My second attempt. P.S, I love to return query critiques!

 

_____________________________________________

 

Rumors of Beth Hawthorne’s father being the Wayfarer—the thief who snatched a weapon of mass destruction from the eyes of history—died with him. Now a servant to her cruel stepfamily, Beth plans to escape to the Royal Academy, where she can avoid an impending invasion from the immortal fairies seeking human land. But Beth’s arrival at the Academy threatens the safety of all students when she breaks curfew and stumbles into the Darks—demonic entities with murderous tendencies.

 

They seem to know Beth, and they seem to like her. But can the Darks be believed when they name her the Wayfarer? Beth doesn’t think so, but it is the excuse the desperately overcrowded fairy kingdom has been waiting for. To stop the genocidal manhunt, Beth must obtain a fate-reading from a mythical lake and prove she is not the Wayfarer—if that is even true.

 

THE THIEF OF AGES is complete at 113,000 words. Readers who love the high-stakes adventures of Patrick Rothfuss’s THE KINGKILLER CHRONICLE series, and the sophisticated magic of Sarah Maas’s A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES series will enjoy THE THIEF OF AGES. I have a bachelor’s in English Literature and teach reading intervention at an elementary school. Per your agency's submission guidelines, I have included the [WHATEVER] pasted below.



#5 Daisy

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Posted 06 September 2018 - 06:47 AM

My second attempt. P.S, I love to return query critiques!

 

_____________________________________________

 

Rumors of Beth Hawthorne’s father being the Wayfarer—the thief who snatched a weapon of mass destruction from the eyes of history—died with him.This is the only thing that stands out to me. I'm not sure how you snatch something from the eyes of history. Maybe the arms, but I've never had anything snatched from my eye. :smile:   Now a servant to her cruel stepfamily, Beth plans to escape to the Royal Academy, where she can avoid an impending invasion from the immortal fairies seeking human land. But Beth’s arrival at the Academy threatens the safety of all students when she breaks curfew and stumbles into the Darks—demonic entities with murderous tendencies.

 

They seem to know Beth, and they seem to like her. But can the Darks be believed when they name her the Wayfarer? Beth doesn’t think so, but it is the excuse the desperately overcrowded fairy kingdom has been waiting for. To stop the genocidal manhunt, Beth must obtain a fate-reading from a mythical lake and prove she is not the Wayfarer—if that is even true. The part I highlighted in purple seems to come out of left-field.  Is there something difficult about getting to this mythical lake? I just feel like it needs a bit more info.   :smile: 

 

THE THIEF OF AGES is complete at 113,000 words. Readers who love the high-stakes adventures of Patrick Rothfuss’s THE KINGKILLER CHRONICLE series, and the sophisticated magic of Sarah Maas’s A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES series will enjoy THE THIEF OF AGES. I have a bachelor’s in English Literature and teach reading intervention at an elementary school. Per your agency's submission guidelines, I have included the [WHATEVER] pasted below.



#6 Patomac

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Posted 06 September 2018 - 08:39 PM

I didn't read the first version, so fresh eyes here! Also, I have a tendency to ask rhetorical questions when I don't understand, so know that you don't have to answer them. They're just to clarify my thinking process. If you have any questions, feel free to ask. 



My second attempt. P.S, I love to return query critiques!

 

_____________________________________________

 

Rumors of Beth Hawthorne’s father being the Wayfarer—the thief who snatched a weapon of mass destruction from the eyes of history—died with him. Now a servant to her cruel stepfamily, Beth plans to escape [I think 'plans to escape' is a little weak, considering in the next sentence we're at the academy. I don't think it conveys the right timing? Maybe something like "Beth's admission to the Royal Academy was a refuge from her cruel stepfamily and the immortal fairies invading human lands" or whatever. "But when Beth breaks curfew..."]to the Royal Academy, where she can avoid an impending invasion from the immortal fairies seeking human land. But Beth’s arrival at the Academy threatens the safety of all students  everyone when she breaks curfew and stumbles into the Darks—demonic entities with murderous tendencies.

 

They seem to know Beth, and they seem to like her. [I'm not sure this sentence follows logically from the last paragraph. I'm not really concerned about the murder demons' emotions, if you know what I mean?] But can the Darks be believed when they name her the Wayfarer? Beth doesn’t think so, but it is the excuse the desperately overcrowded fairy kingdom has been waiting for. [This is where you lost me. I read the first sentence of the query and assumed that Beth's father was the Wayfarer. Moreover, shouldn't Beth know if she is? I was picturing the Wayfarer identity as like, The Pink Panther. The psuedonym of a famous thief. Is it more like a Chosen One prophecy sort of identity? I can't tell from the query.]To stop the genocidal manhunt, Beth must obtain a fate-reading from a mythical lake and prove she is not the Wayfarer—if that is even true. [I want to know more about Beth's journey, please. Why does she need a fate reading? What perils stop her from getting to the lake? Etc.]

 

THE THIEF OF AGES is complete at 113,000 words. Readers who love the high-stakes adventures of Patrick Rothfuss’s THE KINGKILLER CHRONICLE series, and the sophisticated magic of Sarah Maas’s A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES series will enjoy THE THIEF OF AGES. I have a bachelor’s in English Literature and teach reading intervention at an elementary school. Per your agency's submission guidelines, I have included the [WHATEVER] pasted below.



#7 HarlequinWriter

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Posted 06 September 2018 - 10:11 PM

Rumors of Beth Hawthorne’s father being the Wayfarer—the thief who snatched a weapon of mass destruction from the eyes of history—died with him. Now a servant to her cruel stepfamily, Beth plans to escape to the Royal Academy, where she can avoid an impending invasion from the immortal fairies seeking human land. But Beth’s arrival at the Academy threatens the safety of all students when she breaks curfew and stumbles into the Darks—demonic entities with murderous tendencies.

 

They seem to know Beth, and they seem to like her. But can the Darks be believed when they name her the Wayfarer? Beth doesn’t think so, but it is the excuse the desperately overcrowded fairy kingdom has been waiting for. Did the weapon originally belong to the fairies or something? More information on the weapon itself may be warranted.To stop the genocidal manhunt, You can raise the stakes by expanding more on this 'genocidal manhunt' Beth must obtain a fate-reading from a mythical lake and prove she is not the Wayfarer—if that is even true. Wouldn't she know if she stole a weapon of mass destruction? And wouldn't it be best for everyone if they knew for sure, and royal guards simply escorted her to the mythical lake?

 

THE THIEF OF AGES is complete at 113,000 words. Readers who love the high-stakes adventures of Patrick Rothfuss’s THE KINGKILLER CHRONICLE series, and the sophisticated magic of Sarah Maas’s A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES series will enjoy THE THIEF OF AGES. I have a bachelor’s in English Literature and teach reading intervention at an elementary school. Per your agency's submission guidelines, I have included the [WHATEVER] pasted below.

 

 

Forgot to mention it in my last critique, but here's my query: http://agentquerycon...ger-ya-fantasy/



#8 Dollophead

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Posted 06 September 2018 - 10:37 PM

Harlequin, you have really valid critiques. Thank you so much for pointing out the logic flaws, I can't even tell you how much I need this.

 

Beth discovers she has the power to control the Darks. On top of that, they can't hurt her. They cite the reason for this to Beth being the Wayfarer. She doesn't know how this can be possible, but the fairies are convinced that Beth's influence over the Darks means she has the all-powerful weapon, and therefore has to be the Wayfarer.

 

The royal guards are all dead, killed by the fairies and the Darks. The mythical lake is so hard to find because it's just that--a myth. Beth wants to find it because anyone who steps inside it can see their fate. She thinks if she can prove to the fairies that she's not the Wayfarer by doing this, she can stop the war.

 

Does that help clarify? Maybe help to guide your critiques? I also have my synopsis posted on the synopsis editing forum too!



#9 Dollophead

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Posted 07 September 2018 - 12:14 AM

New version:

_______________

 

Rumors of Beth Hawthorne’s father being the Wayfarer—the thief who snatched a weapon of mass destruction from the eyes of history—died with him. Now, fourteen-year-old Beth hopes the Royal Academy will be a refuge from her cruel stepfamily and the looming invasion of the kingdom of immortal fairies.

 

But when a broken curfew sets Beth in the path of the Darks—demonic entities with murderous tendencies—Beth knows she won’t survive. Yet they refuse to harm her, recoiling at her touch and naming her the Wayfarer. Beth doesn’t own an extra pair of shoes, much less an all-powerful weapon, but it is the excuse the desperately overcrowded fairy kingdom has been waiting for.

 

A war against immortals cannot be won, but Beth believes she can stop them. She need only avoid the genocidal manhunt long enough to prove she isn’t the Wayfarer—or surrender herself to the truth.



#10 BCVail

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Posted 13 September 2018 - 10:28 AM

New version:

_______________

 

Rumors of Beth Hawthorne’s father being the Wayfarer—the thief who snatched a weapon of mass destruction (This makes it sound like a nuclear missile which is jarring as I assume this is fantasy. I just scrolled up and saw you said powerful weapon before which is better but I wouldn't hate a little more detail. Is it magic? A plague of some sort? Gunpowder like Saruman had in LOTR?) from the eyes of history—died with him. Now, fourteen-year-old Beth hopes the Royal Academy will be a refuge from her cruel stepfamily and the looming invasion of the kingdom of immortal fairies. (Generally I like to see in these first few sentences what the MC wants. To clarify, is it just to get refuge from her stepfamily and not get killed in an invasion? Or does she have a deeper story goal?)

 

But when a broken curfew sets Beth in the path of the Darks—demonic entities with murderous tendencies (I feel like I can assume a demonic entity will be murderous... and on second thought, leaving out the murderous leaves more to the imagination of what a demonic entity might have in mind as there are worse things than death) —Beth knows she won’t survive. Yet they refuse to harm her (Instead of telling us they refuse to harm her, I might touch on Beth's emotional reaction such as she's surprised when the name her Wayfarer) , recoiling at her touch (are they scared / nervous of her?) and naming her the Wayfarer. Beth doesn’t own an extra pair of shoes, much less an all-powerful weapon (I love this line, it's first time I really felt her voice coming through), but it is the excuse (excuse to do what?) the desperately overcrowded fairy kingdom has been waiting for.

 

A war against immortals cannot be won, but Beth believes she can stop them. She need only avoid the genocidal manhunt long enough to prove she isn’t the Wayfarer—or surrender herself to the truth. (For most of the query I thought the stakes were simply her life and the life of the kingdom, simple but not overly exciting. But mentioning surrendering herself as being the Wayfarer who can stop it (and assuming she may not be keen on that idea for whatever reason) is way more interesting. I might try to work that angle in a little earlier.)

 

 

Interesting premise. I think the query needs a little work, but if I saw this on a book jacket I'd give the first chapter a shot.

 

 

If you have the time, I'd appreciate another set of eyes on my query for The Sleeping and the Dead.







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