I have read about your interest in [WHATEVER] and am pleased to tell you I have [STUFF YOU WANT].
When fourteen-year-old Beth Hawthorne becomes a servant at the Royal Academy, she hopes to leave rumors of her long-dead father being the Wayfarer--an ancient thief who snatched a powerful weapon from history--in her village, where bedtime stories belong. This sentence is a little long to me and has a lot going on, I would suggest trying to break it up to focus on what's most important to the story. To be honest, I really liked this start that you had before, with some tweaking. Fourteen-year old Beth Hawthorne needs a fresh start--something humans have trouble
obtainingwith in a land overpopulated with immortals swarming with vicious fairies.
But blending in becomes a challenge when
threat of invasion by a neighboring kingdom of immortal fairies reaches invades the Academy. Overpopulated and desperate for land, the fairies make no secret of their quest for the Wayfarer’s mysterious weapon, hoping to use its untold power to conquer Beth’s kingdom. As suspicion turns back to Beth ’s bloodline( I think this is stronger if it's just focused on the MC, Beth), she is determined to disprove the myth once and for all—[until she takes a wrong turn through the forest and barrels into the demonic Darks.
Rather than shred her to pieces and swallow her soul, however, the Darks hail her as the Wayfarer.] These two bits take a turn from your main premise and add unnecessary information that I think might confuse a reader. I would just stick to the main plot w/ the fairies searching for this weapon,.
Beth doesn’t own an extra pair of shoes, much less an all-powerful weapon, but she is the excuse for invasion the desperately overcrowded fairies have been waiting on. When the fairies attack, Beth flees with the destruction of the Academy and her kingdom on her conscience.
A war against immortals cannot be won, but Beth has the power to stop it. To end the genocidal manhunt, she need only prove she isn’t the Wayfarer—or surrender to the truth. I almost think this would be your hook, and think it might work well at the beginning with some tinkering.
THE THIEF OF AGES is a novel of 113,000 words. Readers who love the high-stakes adventures of Patrick Rothfuss’s THE KINGKILLER CHRONICLE series, and the sophisticated magic of Sarah Maas’s A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES series will enjoy THE THIEF OF AGES. I have a bachelor’s in English Literature and teach reading intervention at an elementary school. Per your agency's submission guidelines, I have included the [WHATEVER] pasted below.