23 replies to this topic

[mbal]

Dear [AGENT]

 

I have read about your interest in [WHATEVER] and am pleased to tell you I have [STUFF YOU WANT].

 

When fourteen-year-old Beth Hawthorne becomes a servant at the Royal Academy, she hopes to leave rumors of her long-dead father being the Wayfarer--an ancient thief who snatched a powerful weapon from history--in her village, where bedtime stories belong. This sentence is a little long to me and has a lot going on, I would suggest trying to break it up to focus on what's most important to the story. To be honest, I really liked this start that you had before, with some tweaking. Fourteen-year old Beth Hawthorne needs a fresh start--something humans have trouble obtainingwith in a land overpopulated with immortals swarming with vicious fairies.

 

But blending in becomes a challenge when threat of invasion by a neighboring kingdom of immortal fairies reaches invades the Academy. Overpopulated and desperate for land, the fairies make no secret of their quest for the Wayfarer’s mysterious weapon, hoping to use its untold power to conquer Beth’s kingdom. As suspicion turns back to Beth’s bloodline( I think this is stronger if it's just focused on the MC, Beth), she is determined to disprove the myth once and for all—[until she takes a wrong turn through the forest and barrels into the demonic Darks.

 

Rather than shred her to pieces and swallow her soul, however, the Darks hail her as the Wayfarer.] These two bits take a turn from your main premise and add unnecessary information that I think might confuse a reader. I would just stick to the main plot w/ the fairies searching for this weapon,.

 

Beth doesn’t own an extra pair of shoes, much less an all-powerful weapon, but she is the excuse for invasion the desperately overcrowded fairies have been waiting on. When the fairies attack, Beth flees with the destruction of the Academy and her kingdom on her conscience.

 

A war against immortals cannot be won, but Beth has the power to stop it. To end the genocidal manhunt, she need only prove she isn’t the Wayfarer—or surrender to the truth. I almost think this would be your hook, and think it might work well at the beginning with some tinkering.

 

THE THIEF OF AGES is a novel of 113,000 words. Readers who love the high-stakes adventures of Patrick Rothfuss’s THE KINGKILLER CHRONICLE series, and the sophisticated magic of Sarah Maas’s A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES series will enjoy THE THIEF OF AGES. I have a bachelor’s in English Literature and teach reading intervention at an elementary school. Per your agency's submission guidelines, I have included the [WHATEVER] pasted below.

[yawriter]

I was on here about a year ago but got really busy with student teaching and job hunting blah blah. Got some really good feedback on here that made me go back and edit my whole manuscript! So I'm back for more.

 

Will edit your query letter if you do mine!

 

Rumors of Beth Hawthorne’s father being the Wayfarer—the thief who snatched a powerful weapon from the eyes of history—died with him. ​What died? the rumors or the powerful weapon? What kind of power? Friendly reminder to change your signature link. Now a servant to her stepfamily, Beth plans to escape to the Royal Academy, where she can avoid her cruel stepsisters and impending war from the neighboring fairy kingdom, Arison. Great! Much clearer than the last one I saw haha But, Beth’s arrival at the Academy threatens the safety of all students when she meets the Darks—demonic entities with murderous tendencies. Why is she a threat? Because her father is the Wayfarer? Maybe mention that rumor has spread farther than she anticipated?

 

They seem to know Beth, and they seem to like her. But, (You already used "But" as a transition word...perhaps try "however"? Personal choice of course)  can the Darks be believed when they name her the Wayfarer? ​Wait...I'm confused what a Wayfarer is then. I thought the wayfarer was the one who committed the crime...do the Darks just believe she is the thief instead of the dad? Is there a way to make this more clear?  Impossible, maybe, but she knows she is at fault when Arison invades to find her. What is at fault? Throughout this query she seems to be the most innocent one... To clear her name and end the war (from rumors), Beth must race against the fairies to prove the Wayfarer is only a myth—if that’s even true.

 

THE THIEF OF AGES is complete at 113,000 words. Readers who love the high-stakes adventures of Patrick Rothfuss’s THE KINGKILLER CHRONICLE series, and the sophisticated magic of Sarah Maas’s A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES series will enjoy THE THIEF OF AGES. Per your agency's submission guidelines, I have included the [WHATEVER] pasted below.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration.

 

Great job! WAY better than that first version I read. You are on the right path.

[SimonLee]

I like Dollophead--great member of the board!

 

Thanks Koechophe! Your advice has been so valuable to me!

 

Here we go again:

 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear [AGENT]

 

I have read about your interest in [WHATEVER] and am pleased to tell you I have [STUFF YOU WANT]. Love all of this! 

 

When fourteen-year-old Beth Hawthorne becomes a servant at the Royal Academy, she hopes to leave rumors of her long-dead father being the Wayfarer--an ancient thief who snatched a powerful weapon from history--in her village, where bedtime stories belong. Good intro.

 

But blending in becomes a challenge when threat of invasion by a neighboring kingdom of immortal fairies reaches (I love this infusion of fantasy, reminds me Pan's Labyrinth) the Academy. Overpopulated and desperate for land, the fairies make no secret of their quest for the Wayfarer’s mysterious weapon, hoping to use its untold power to conquer Beth’s kingdom. As suspicion turns back to Beth’s bloodline, she is determined to disprove the myth once and for all—until she takes a wrong turn through the forest and barrels into the demonic Darks.

 

Rather than shred her to pieces and swallow her soul, however, the Darks hail her as the Wayfarer. [This is the only point I'm confused, but let me say two things: 1.) I'm curious as to why the Darks hail her as a Wayfarer when, somehow, I took the Wayfarer reference in your first sentence to be a good thing (like a Han Solo). If it's not a good thing, then perhaps say, "an ancient thief who snatched a powerful weapons from [the Allied Forces]--don't know why I fee like this is WW2.]

 

Beth doesn’t own an extra pair of shoes, much less an all-powerful weapon, but she is the excuse for invasion the desperately overcrowded fairies have been waiting on. When the fairies attack, Beth flees with the destruction of the Academy and her kingdom on her conscience. Love this!

 

A war against immortals cannot be won, but Beth has the power to stop it. To end the genocidal manhunt, she need only prove she isn’t the Wayfarer—or surrender to the truth.

 

THE THIEF OF AGES is a novel of 113,000 words. Readers who love the high-stakes adventures of Patrick Rothfuss’s THE KINGKILLER CHRONICLE series, and the sophisticated magic of Sarah Maas’s A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES series will enjoy THE THIEF OF AGES. I have a bachelor’s in English Literature and teach reading intervention at an elementary school. Per your agency's submission guidelines, I have included the [WHATEVER] pasted below.

 

Nice work! Keep up posted on how your querying goes.

[Bibliophyl]

Hope my fresh eyes can be of use! I haven't read others' comments so as to come at it fresh:

 

When fourteen-year-old Beth Hawthorne becomes a servant at the Royal Academy, she hopes to leave rumors of her long-dead father being the Wayfarer--an ancient thief who snatched a powerful weapon from history--in her village, where bedtime stories belong. First sentence is very long and has a lot packed in. How about something like "When fourteen-year-old Beth becomes a servant at the Royal Academy, she hopes she can escape the gossip that plagues her family. Villagers whisper that her long-dead father is... (that's not great but maybe it'll spark something)

 

But blending in becomes a challenge when threat of invasion by a neighboring kingdom of immortal fairies reaches the Academy. Could smooth the second half of this out: ..."when a kingdom of immortal fairies threatens to invade." (it's a little stronger/more active) Overpopulated and desperate for land, the fairies make no secret of their quest for the Wayfarer’s mysterious weapon, hoping to use its untold power to conquer Beth’s kingdom. As suspicion turns back to Beth’s bloodline, [I don't quite get the phrasing of this first clause] she is determined to disprove the myth once and for all—until she takes a wrong turn through the forest and barrels into the demonic Darks.

 

Rather than shred her to pieces and swallow her soul, however, the Darks hail her as the Wayfarer.

 

Beth doesn’t own an extra pair of shoes, much less an all-powerful weapon, but she is the excuse for invasion the desperately overcrowded fairies have been waiting on. When the fairies attack, Beth flees with the destruction of the Academy and her kingdom on her conscience.

 

A war against immortals cannot be won, but Beth has the power to stop it. [isn't stopping the war the same as winning it?] To end the genocidal manhunt, she need only prove she isn’t the Wayfarer—or surrender to the truth. [I don't quite understand the stakes here. are you hinting that maybe she is the wayfarer all along?]

 

THE THIEF OF AGES is a [add genre and age--YA fantasy?] novel of 113,000 words. Readers who love the high-stakes adventures of Patrick Rothfuss’s THE KINGKILLER CHRONICLE series, and the sophisticated magic of Sarah Maas’s A COURT OF THORNS AND ROSES series will enjoy THE THIEF OF AGES. I have a bachelor’s in English Literature and teach reading intervention at an elementary school. Per your agency's submission guidelines, I have included the [WHATEVER] pasted below.

 

Hope this is helpful! I tried to point out where I got confused (to simulate where an agent skimming might drop off). Sounds so interesting!