Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

Fusion (Fantasy novel query)


  • Please log in to reply
14 replies to this topic

#1 Koechophe

Koechophe

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 210 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 30 September 2018 - 10:26 PM

Try #6

 

 

"In a land teeming with powerful animals, a perpetual war exists between people who share their souls with the creatures and people who enslave them.

 

Jake never wanted to be like the hunters in his brutish, predatory gathering. When he deserts their traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he is captured and force-fed a fruit that transforms him into a creature, so his own people can hunt him down. While Jake and his animal companion search for a cure, it's all Jake can do to keep the creature's violent and volatile impulses in check.

 

Lenjy doggedly sought an animal bond for eight years, but he's completely unprepared for the creature he finds. It carries the ability to shape-steal, which kills an individual and gives Lenjy their appearance. Lenjy's creature also holds a chilling disregard for human life, and is bent on manipulating Lenjy to fulfill its own shadowy agenda. Every time Lenjy shape-steals, he hears whispers from the men his creature slaughtered, and their cruel personalities start to take over.

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to maintain their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. Both are perceived as threats by an organization known as Shadow Claw, which uses enslaved animals to covertly dominate most of the known world. As Jake seeks a cure and Lenjy seeks his creature’s revenge against Shadow Claw, they each must battle Shadow Claw’s arsenal of enslaved creatures, led by men who’ve learned to control the undead souls of their fallen prey.

 

If Jake and Lenjy succeed, they will liberate men and beasts alike from Shadow Claw's clutches. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone work of high fantasy. I am currently studying English at BYU-Idaho, and my hobbies include writing, class, homework, working at Wallmart, and sleep (in that order).

 

Thank you for your time and consideration

 

Backstory:

 

I highly doubt anyone will remember me from 2013, but I was actually pretty active on this site a while back. I went through the query process hardcore as a 16 year old, trying to publish my very first book. I was profusely rejected. After time passed and I gained a bit of objectivity, I realized that I wasn't where I needed to be to publish. So I kept practicing, went on a 2-year volunteer mission to scotland, and grew up. Five books and five years later, here I am, ready to try again.

 

Any/all feedback is appreciated and loved. Thanks!

 

First post:

 

"In a world filled with powerful creatures, a perpetual war exists between those who bond with animals and those who enslave them.

 

When Jake turns against his people’s traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he barely escapes them with his life. Jake is found and captured, and force-fed a fruit which transforms him into an animal so he can be hunted by his own people. As Jake searches for a cure, he must learn to work with and trust his animal companion.

 

Lenjy, who finds a bond after fourteen years of searching, ends up falling into his creature’s ploy for revenge against Shadow Claw--an organization dedicated to seizing power by controlling Mythical creatures. Lenjy’s creature teaches him how to kill individuals and absorb their form. To infiltrate Shadow Claw, Lenjy must brave the whispers and dark impulses of the men he overtakes.

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to hold onto their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. Both become steeped in a tremendous struggle against Shadow Claw’s vast array of creatures, led by people who’ve learned how to command the very shadows themselves.

 

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone epic fantasy novel.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration"



#2 Dollophead

Dollophead

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 75 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:Yet to be had.

Posted 30 September 2018 - 10:50 PM

In a world filled with powerful creatures, When I hear anything that starts with "In a world," I just think of the Honest Trailers guy. Open with something more specific; what world is this? what are the powerful creatures? a perpetual war exists between those who bond with animals and those who enslave them. 

 

When Jake turns against his people’s traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he barely escapes them with his life you don't need this, you can just flow into this next sentence --> Jake is found and captured, and force-fed a fruit which transforms him into an animal so he can be hunted by his own people. As Jake searches for a cure, he must learn to work with and trust his animal companion. Not really a critique, but is there a different word you can use than "animal companion?" I think of "familiar," for example. Idk I think it'd just give the sentence more of an oomph.

 

Lenjy, who finds a bond after fourteen years of searching, ends up falling into his creature’s ploy for revenge against Shadow Claw--an organization dedicated to seizing power by controlling Mythical creatures. Lenjy’s creature teaches him how to kill individuals and absorb their form. If these creatures are mythical, can you specify what species they are? Like instead of "his creature's ploy" you can say, "his griffin's ploy." To infiltrate Shadow Claw, Lenjy must brave the whispers and dark impulses of the men he overtakes. Does he only kill bad men? Interesting.

 

So...I'm a little confused about what "absorb their form" means. Can Lenjy shapeshift into the people he kills? That's what I imagine. Do you think you can clarify a little, just so you don't lose us going into the next paragraph?

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to hold onto maintain their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. Both become steeped in a tremendous struggle against Shadow Claw’s vast array of creatures, led by people who’ve learned how to command the very shadows themselves. Are the shadows also mythical creatures, or are we talking about forces of darkness here?

 

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike from?. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill. Nice last paragraph.

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone epic fantasy novel. 138k is really long for a first novel. When I was querying mine at 130k, I was rejected. Every. Single. Time. I know you're doing epic fantasy, but it's really hard to break out into publishing with a debut novel that long. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration"

 

Just some clarification and some fine tuning and I think you'll be good. See if you can get that word count down!



#3 Koechophe

Koechophe

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 210 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 01 October 2018 - 10:16 AM

Second try taking the feedback into account:

 

"Dangerously powerful creatures fill the land, and a perpetual war exists between those who bond with them and those who enslave them.

 

When Jake deserts his people’s traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he is captured and force-fed a fruit which transforms him into an animal, so he can be hunted by his own gathering. As Jake searches for a cure, he must learn to stem the volatile impulses of his animal companion.

 

Lenjy, who finds a bond after fourteen years of searching, ends up falling into his creature’s ploy for revenge against Shadow Claw--an organization dedicated to seizing power by controlling powerful creatures. Lenjy’s creature teaches him how to kill individuals and absorb their form, becoming a perfect facsimile of his victim. To infiltrate and destroy Shadow Claw, Lenjy must brave the whispers and dark impulses of the men he overtakes.

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to maintain their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. Both become steeped in a tremendous struggle against Shadow Claw’s vast array of creatures, led by people who’ve learned how to enslave the very shadows themselves.

 

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike from Shadow Claw's clutches. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone epic fantasy novel which plunges the reader into a world filled with new and unique creatures. 

 

Thank you for your time and consideration"

 

Notes:

Thanks so much for the critique! To clarify, all of the animals are ones I invented, so the names of the creatures (Kentlepperren, Veshkars, etc) would be completely lost on the reader, and I don't think it would add to the query to throw them in. The word "Mythical" is one my own affectation, and doesn't refer to modern society's "mythical". I took it out to avoid confusion.

 

If there's any good way to indicate that it's all unique creatures that I invented in the query, I'd love some advice on that. I couldn't figure out how to say that without totally breaking the 4th wall. Likewise, the world name (Jarath) is of my own invention, and would be lost on the reader too.

 

Does adding the bit at the end help clarify this, or is it still too ambiguous and should be removed?



#4 SnowFox23

SnowFox23

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 171 posts
  • Literary Status:self-published, in-between agents
  • LocationAustralia/New Zealand

Posted 02 October 2018 - 12:50 AM

"Dangerously powerful creatures fill the land, and a perpetual war exists between those who bond with them and those who enslave them.

hmm. I re-read this opening a few times but it didn't quite capture me.

 

When Jake deserts his people’s traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he is captured and force-fed a fruit which transforms him into an animal, so he can be hunted by his own gathering. holy crap, that's pretty cool. As Jake searches for a cure, he must learn to stem the volatile impulses of his animal companion.

 

Lenjy, who finds a bond after fourteen years of searching, ends up falling into his creature’s ploy for revenge against Shadow Claw--an organization dedicated to seizing power by controlling powerful creatures. this is a very long line, and I had to re-read it a few times to fully understand what you meant. Maybe kill the bit about how long he waited to find a bond, it doesn't really add much and it just slows the sentence down.

 Lenjy’s creature teaches him how to kill individuals and absorb their form, becoming a perfect facsimile of his victim. To infiltrate and destroy Shadow Claw, Lenjy must brave the whispers and dark impulses of the men he overtakes.

This whole paragraph didn't work for me. It is a bit pedestrian rather than impactful. Also, what does Lenjy think of it all? what is he feeling? Does he want to destroy the shadow claw?

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to maintain their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. Both become steeped in a tremendous struggle against Shadow Claw’s vast array of creatures, led by people who’ve learned how to enslave the very shadows huh? themselves.

 

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike from Shadow Claw's clutches. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.

 

There is a cool story in here, I can tell. But this query just didn't grab me. I feel like there is a lot of 'telling' rather than showing. Like: 'Both become steeped in a tremendous struggle' how? What struggle?

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike from Shadow Claw's clutches  how would it liberate them, though? I don't understand.

Their failure would mean the utter annihilation how will they be annihilated?

 

Queries suck, I know. But right now I just don't understand the stakes enough to understand your story. The premise is super cool, though :)

 

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone epic fantasy novel which plunges the reader into a world filled with new and unique creatures.



#5 Koechophe

Koechophe

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 210 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 02 October 2018 - 09:10 AM

Hey, thanks so much for the feedback snowfox! Super helpful in refining my query.

 

"In a land teeming with powerful creatures, a perpetual war exists between those who bond with them and those who enslave them.

 

Jake has always wanted to be different from his brutish, predatory people. When he deserts his people’s traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he is captured and force-fed a fruit which transforms him into an animal so that he can be hunted by his own gathering. As Jake searches for a cure, it's all he can do to keep his animal companion's violent and volatile impulses in check.

 

Lenjy has been doggedly seeking an animal bond for the last eight years, but the creature he finds isn't what he expected. It carries a the ability to shape-steal, which kills an individual and grants Lenjy their appearance. Lenjy's creature also holds a chilling disregard for human life and is bent on using Lenjy to exact revenge upon Shadow Claw--an organization that controls most of the known world with enslaved creatures. But every time Lenjy shape-steals, he hears whispers of the men his creature killed, and their cruel personalities start to take over. 

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to maintain their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. As Shadow Claw wages war against the bonded people, Jake and Lenjy come to their aid, hoping to destroy Shadow Claw once and for all. Standing in their is way Shadow Claw's vast array of powerful creatures, led by people who’ve enslaved the immortal shadows from the Darkland of souls.

 

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike from Shadow Claw's clutches. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone epic fantasy.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration"

 

-Notes:

This time I tried to focus on removing generality and strengthening characterization, to show rather than tell. I'm still unsure about the first line, any advice on how/what to articulate would be great. Thanks for the feedback!



#6 mcnamml

mcnamml

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 8 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Southeast

Posted 02 October 2018 - 01:59 PM

"In a land teeming with powerful creatures, a perpetual war exists between those who bond with them and those who enslave them.

 

Jake has always wanted to be different from his brutish, predatory people (Are these people the Shadow Claw?). When he deserts his people’s their traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he is captured and force-fed a fruit which transforms him into an animal so that he can be hunted by his own gathering. As Jake searches for a cure, it's all he can do to keep his animal companion's violent and volatile impulses in check. This sentence isn't bad, just a possible suggestion that hints towards a more "playful" relationship since your previous query denotes that they must work together and trust eachother -"With an animal companion that has a propensity for violence and is hardly stable, the only salvation Jake can hope for is to find a cure."

 

Lenjy (What is his relation to Jake, are they from the same predatory people? If he is from the people who chose to bond, do they have a name? If not, disregard.) has been doggedly seeking an animal bond for the last eight years, [but the creature he finds isn't what he expected.] -This line is used too often in queries and feels a bit "hokey". It carries a the ability to shape-steal, which kills an individual and grants Lenjy their appearance. Lenjy's creature also holds a chilling disregard for human life and is bent on using Lenjy to exact revenge upon Shadow Claw--an organization that controls most of the known world with enslaved creatures. But every time Lenjy shape-steals, he hears whispers of the men his creature killed, and their cruel personalities start to take over. Great plot twist and great revelation to keep the query captivating.

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to maintain their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. As Shadow Claw wages war against the bonded people, Jake and Lenjy come to their aid, hoping to destroy Shadow Claw once and for all. How did Lenjy and Jake come together? Standing in their is way Shadow Claw's vast array of powerful creatures, led by people who’ve enslaved the immortal shadows from the Darkland of souls.

 

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike from Shadow Claw's clutches. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone epic fantasy.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration"

 

-Notes:

This time I tried to focus on removing generality and strengthening characterization, to show rather than tell. I'm still unsure about the first line, any advice on how/what to articulate would be great. Thanks for the feedback!



#7 Koechophe

Koechophe

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 210 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 02 October 2018 - 04:32 PM

Thanks for the feedback man! It's great for helping me polish the query. Only minor changes, but here we go:

 

 

"In a land teeming with powerful creatures, a perpetual war exists between people who bond with them and people who enslave them.

 

Jake always wanted to be different from his brutish, predatory people. When he deserts their traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he is captured and force-fed a fruit which transforms him into an animal so that he can be hunted by his own gathering. As Jake searches for a cure, it's all he can do to keep his animal companion's violent and volatile impulses in check.

 

Lenjy has been doggedly seeking an animal bond for the last eight years, but he's completely unprepared for the creature he finds. It carries the ability to shape-steal, which kills an individual and grants Lenjy their appearance. Lenjy's creature also holds a chilling disregard for human life, and is bent on using Lenjy to exact revenge upon Shadow Claw--an organization that controls most of the known world through enslaved creatures. Every time Lenjy shape-steals, he hears whispers of the men his creature killed, and their cruel personalities start to take over. 

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to maintain their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. As Shadow Claw wages war against the bonded people, Jake and Lenjy each come to their aid, hoping to destroy Shadow Claw once and for all. Standing in their way is Shadow Claw's vast array of powerful creatures, led by people who’ve enslaved immortal shadows from the Darkland of souls.

 

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike from Shadow Claw's clutches. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone epic fantasy.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration"

 

To answer some of your questions:

-No, Jake's people are not Shadow Claw. Shadow Claw is more like a meta-government which quietly rules, rather than a dictatorship.

-No, Jake and Lenjy are not from the same people (I'd hoped that was somewhat obvious by the contrast between Jake's story being hunted down by his people for not killing an animal VS Lenjy's story of searching for an animal for years and years.)

-Yes, Lenjy is from the people who bond. The closest thing they have to a name is the Grey people, but that title means nothing without context. I avoided throwing it in there to avoid excessive name usage. 

-Jake and Lenjy don't come together (at least not until towards the end of the book, their paths cross, but they rarely work together). I reworded slightly to hopefully make that more apparent. 



#8 RoseGlacier

RoseGlacier

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 21 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northwest

Posted 02 October 2018 - 06:20 PM

Hey, rad concept you have here. I think you're well on your way to crafting a good query. I hope my notes and questions provide some insight into what might be confusing for readers.

 

==

 

Thanks for the feedback man! It's great for helping me polish the query. Only minor changes, but here we go:

 

 

"In a land teeming with powerful creatures, a perpetual war exists between people who bond with them and people who enslave them. [Huge improvement over your first draft!]

 

Jake always wanted to be different from his brutish, predatory people. [Finding myself wishing for a synonym for 'people' here since it's already been used twice in the previous sentence. Clan?] When he deserts their traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he is captured and force-fed a fruit which transforms him into an animal so that he can be hunted by his own gathering [His own gathering? Gathering of what? Like, he's the leader of a gathering? Unclear to me]. As Jake searches for a cure, it's all he can do to keep his animal companion's violent and volatile impulses in check. [By companion, do you mean the creature he has transformed into? Is he occupying the body of a creature, or is HE the creature?]

 

Lenjy has been doggedly seeking an animal bond for the last eight years, but he's completely unprepared for the creature he finds. It carries the ability to shape-steal, which kills an individual and grants Lenjy their appearance. Lenjy's creature also holds a chilling disregard for human life, and is bent on using Lenjy to exact revenge upon Shadow Claw--an organization that controls most of the known world through enslaved creatures. Every time Lenjy shape-steals, he hears whispers of the men his creature killed, and their cruel personalities start to take over.  [Interesting concept]

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to maintain their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions [Aha. I kind of wish you'd open with this information to introduce us to the concept of sharing souls with the creatures, and to both Jake and Lenjy as examples of the two different groups of people, before launching into their stories.] As Shadow Claw wages war against the bonded people, Jake and Lenjy each come to their aid, hoping to destroy Shadow Claw once and for all. Standing in their way is Shadow Claw's vast array of powerful creatures, led by people who’ve enslaved immortal shadows from the Darkland of souls. [Immortal... shadows? WHat's the Darkland of Souls? I'm confused]

 

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike from Shadow Claw's clutches. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone epic fantasy.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration"

 

To answer some of your questions:

-No, Jake's people are not Shadow Claw. Shadow Claw is more like a meta-government which quietly rules, rather than a dictatorship.

-No, Jake and Lenjy are not from the same people (I'd hoped that was somewhat obvious by the contrast between Jake's story being hunted down by his people for not killing an animal VS Lenjy's story of searching for an animal for years and years.)

-Yes, Lenjy is from the people who bond. The closest thing they have to a name is the Grey people, but that title means nothing without context. I avoided throwing it in there to avoid excessive name usage. 

-Jake and Lenjy don't come together (at least not until towards the end of the book, their paths cross, but they rarely work together). I reworded slightly to hopefully make that more apparent. 

 

==

 

 

 



#9 Koechophe

Koechophe

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 210 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 02 October 2018 - 06:56 PM

Heya Rose, thank you so much for your feedback! I'm always appreciative when people tell me things that don't make sense to them, since that's my biggest bane in querying--trying to make everything entry-level. Here's another try.

 

 

"In a land teeming with powerful animals, a perpetual war exists between people who share their souls with the creatures and people who enslave them instead.

 

Jake always wanted to be different the hunters in his brutish, predatory gathering. When he deserts their traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he is captured and force-fed a fruit which transforms him into an animal so that his own people can hunt him down. As Jake and his animal companion search for a cure, it's all Jake can do to keep the creature's violent and volatile impulses in check.

 

Lenjy has been doggedly seeking an animal bond for the last eight years, but he's completely unprepared for the creature he finds. It carries the ability to shape-steal, which kills an individual and grants Lenjy their appearance. Lenjy's creature also holds a chilling disregard for human life, and is bent on using Lenjy to exact revenge upon Shadow Claw--an organization that controls most of the known world through enslaved creatures. Every time Lenjy shape-steals, he hears whispers of the men his creature killed, and their cruel personalities start to take over. 

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to maintain their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. As Shadow Claw wages war against the bonded people, Jake and Lenjy each come to their aid, hoping to destroy Shadow Claw once and for all. Standing in their way is Shadow Claw's vast array of powerful creatures, led by people who’ve learned to control the undead souls of their fallen prey

 

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike from Shadow Claw's clutches. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone epic fantasy.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration"

 

Notes:
-Hopefully this clarifies the relationship with Jake and his animal a bit better

-Please let me know if adding to the starting line is a wise choice, I think the new phraseology is much more compelling

-Everyone seems confused by the line about shadows, so I reworked it into an alternate (but still accurate) wording. 

 



#10 JDSmith

JDSmith

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 58 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:I have finished my first novel and am currently figuring out the publishing process in hopes to one day be published.

Posted 04 October 2018 - 05:48 PM

 

Heya Rose, thank you so much for your feedback! I'm always appreciative when people tell me things that don't make sense to them, since that's my biggest bane in querying--trying to make everything entry-level. Here's another try.

 

 

"In a land teeming with powerful animals, a perpetual war exists between people who share their souls with the creatures and those who enslave them instead. And that, folks, is how you hook someone

 

Jake always wanted to be different than the other hunters in his brutish, predatory gathering. When he deserts their traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he is captured and force-fed a fruit which transforms him into an animal so that his own people can hunt him down. (oh shit ok tension! stakes! Woohoo!) As Jake and his animal companion search for a cure, it's all Jake can do to keep the creature's violent and volatile impulses in check(Animal friends! And also, this sentence feels clunky. The "as" clause feels out of place with the second clause)

 

Lenjy has been doggedly seeking an animal bond for the last eight years, but he's completely unprepared for the creature he finds. It carries the ability to shape-steal, which kills an individual and grants Lenjy their appearance. Lenjy's creature also holds a chilling disregard for human life, and is bent on using Lenjy to exact revenge upon Shadow Claw (Huh?)--an organization that controls most of the known world through enslaved creatures(wait what?). Every time Lenjy shape-steals, he hears whispers from the men his creature killed, and their cruel personalities start to take over. (Oooh interesting tradeoff for taking their form)

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to maintain their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. As Shadow Claw wages war against the bonded people, Jake and Lenjy each come to their aid, hoping to destroy Shadow Claw once and for all. Standing in their way is Shadow Claw's vast array of powerful creatures, led by people who’ve learned to control the undead souls of their fallen prey (Huh? What? This paragraph comes out of nowhere. out of all the paragraphs, this one needs to be refined. Sentences feel rushed and clunky here.)

 

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike from Shadow Claw's clutches. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.  (So the bad people would die if they failed? Win win? I'm kind of confused.)

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone epic fantasy.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration"

 

Notes:
-Hopefully this clarifies the relationship with Jake and his animal a bit better

-Please let me know if adding to the starting line is a wise choice, I think the new phraseology is much more compelling

-Everyone seems confused by the line about shadows, so I reworked it into an alternate (but still accurate) wording. 

 

 

So I'm really intrigued but confused at the same time. How do the rules work involving creature bonding? Are they with you for life or something? Interesting that there are two different points of view, both struggling to maintain their humanity. Jake's been turned into a creature himself and Lenjy's creature is evil. Lenjy's stuff pretty much comes out of nowhere. At that point I was really invested in what was going on with Jake, to get ripped away from it and shown this new character's struggle felt jarring. Maybe a "meanwhile" or something could help with the transition? I think that with a better understanding of this world's rules, the second paragraph will make more sense. Maybe it just needs to be simplified. Does having a creature give you special abilities? because that's what threw me off with Lenjy's paragraph.

 

Ok now that I'm done word vomiting, I think we need some areas to be simpler but we also need more of an understanding of the world to feel grounded while reading this. In fact, the opening line is a perfect place for that. Maybe then you won't even have to cut stuff.

 

Forgive me, my comments on this site are very "stream of consciousness"-y

 

I'd really appreciate your feedback on my query linked below. I've read your other critiques on other queries and you seem to really know your stuff


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#11 HarlequinWriter

HarlequinWriter

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 38 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Southwest
  • Publishing Experience:None

Posted 04 October 2018 - 07:10 PM

In a land teeming with powerful creatures, a perpetual war exists between people who bond with them and people who enslave them. This isn't a bad sentence but I feel like this is clearer: Perpetual war exists between people who bond with powerful creatures and those who seek to enslave them. 

 

Jake always wanted to be different from his brutish, predatory people. When he deserts their traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he is captured and force-fed a fruit which transforms him into an animal so that he can be hunted by his own gathering. As Jake searches for a cure, it's all he can do to keep his animal companion's violent and volatile impulses in check.

 

Lenjy has been doggedly seeking an animal bond for the last eight years, but he's completely unprepared for the creature he finds. It carries the ability to shape-steal, which kills an individual and grants Lenjy their appearance grants their appearance to Lenjy. Lenjy's creature also holds a chilling disregard for human life, and is bent on using Lenjy to exact revenge upon Shadow Claw--an organization that controls most of the known world through enslaved creatures I would break this up into two sentences. Every time Lenjy shape-steals, he hears whispers of the slaughtered men his creature killed It's already stated his creature kills which allows shape-stealing, so no need to be repetitive, and their cruel personalities start to take over. 

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to maintain their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. As Shadow Claw Looking at previous responses, it appears you should give more information on Shadow Claw wages war against the bonded people, Jake and Lenjy each come to their aid, hoping to destroy Shadow Claw once and for all Did Jake and Lenjy meet up?. Standing in their way is Shadow Claw's vast array of powerful creatures, led by people who’ve enslaved immortal shadows from the Darkland of souls. What is Shadow Claw's ultimate goal? Also the part about the Darkland souls feels like it came out of nowhere 

 

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike from Shadow Claw's clutches. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone epic fantasy.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration"

 

Some of the sentences had strange/confusing word order and at times, you used so many pronouns that it was difficult to know what you were talking about, but I hope I was able to help. Thank you for you critique on my query!



#12 Koechophe

Koechophe

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 210 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 04 October 2018 - 10:37 PM

(Snip)

 

Hey, I really appreciate the feedback! Just want to point out that it's on a previous draft, the original post and post number 9 have the latest one (though I might be doing some edits with the newest feedback regardless. 



#13 Koechophe

Koechophe

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 210 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 04 October 2018 - 10:59 PM

Okay, try number 6! 

 

(So that I don't have to keep editting 2 drafts when I spot something, please refer to the first post)



#14 JDSmith

JDSmith

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 58 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, emerging
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:I have finished my first novel and am currently figuring out the publishing process in hopes to one day be published.

Posted 05 October 2018 - 02:39 PM

Try #6

 

 

"In a land teeming with powerful animals, a perpetual war exists between people who share their souls with the creatures and people who enslave them.

 

Jake never wanted to be like the hunters in his brutish, predatory gathering. When he deserts their traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he is captured and force-fed a fruit that transforms him into a creature, so his own people can hunt him down. While Jake and his animal companion search for a cure, it's all Jake can do to keep the creature's violent and volatile impulses in check.

 

Lenjy doggedly sought an animal bond for eight years, but he's completely unprepared for the creature he finds. It carries the ability to shape-steal, which kills an individual and gives Lenjy their appearance. Lenjy's creature also holds a chilling disregard for human life, and is bent on manipulating Lenjy to fulfill its own shadowy agenda. Every time Lenjy shape-steals, he hears whispers from the men his creature slaughtered, and their cruel personalities start to take over.

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to maintain their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. Both are perceived as threats by an organization known as Shadow Claw, which uses enslaved animals to covertly dominate most of the known world. As Jake seeks a cure and Lenjy seeks his creature’s revenge against Shadow Claw, they each must battle Shadow Claw’s arsenal of enslaved creatures, led by men who’ve learned to control the undead souls of their fallen prey.

 

If Jake and Lenjy succeed, they will liberate men and beasts alike from Shadow Claw's clutches. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone work of high fantasy. I am currently studying English at BYU-Idaho, and my hobbies include writing, class, homework, working at Wallmart, and sleep (in that order).

 

Thank you for your time and consideration

 

Backstory:

 

I highly doubt anyone will remember me from 2013, but I was actually pretty active on this site a while back. I went through the query process hardcore as a 16 year old, trying to publish my very first book. I was profusely rejected. After time passed and I gained a bit of objectivity, I realized that I wasn't where I needed to be to publish. So I kept practicing, went on a 2-year volunteer mission to scotland, and grew up. Five books and five years later, here I am, ready to try again.

 

Any/all feedback is appreciated and loved. Thanks!

 

First post:

 

"In a world filled with powerful creatures, a perpetual war exists between those who bond with animals and those who enslave them.

 

When Jake turns against his people’s traditions by bonding with an animal rather than killing it, he barely escapes them with his life. Jake is found and captured, and force-fed a fruit which transforms him into an animal so he can be hunted by his own people. As Jake searches for a cure, he must learn to work with and trust his animal companion.

 

Lenjy, who finds a bond after fourteen years of searching, ends up falling into his creature’s ploy for revenge against Shadow Claw--an organization dedicated to seizing power by controlling Mythical creatures. Lenjy’s creature teaches him how to kill individuals and absorb their form. To infiltrate Shadow Claw, Lenjy must brave the whispers and dark impulses of the men he overtakes.

 

Both Lenjy and Jake struggle to hold onto their humanity while sharing souls with their animal companions. Both become steeped in a tremendous struggle against Shadow Claw’s vast array of creatures, led by people who’ve learned how to command the very shadows themselves.

 

Their success would liberate men and beasts alike. Their failure would mean the utter annihilation of those who refuse to control and kill.

 

FUSION (138,000 words) is a standalone epic fantasy novel.

 

Thank you for your time and consideration"

Okay! compared to the post I accidentally critiqued, this is much much better. Everything is easy to understand now and conveys the plot very well! Try #6 is a win


I'd really appreciate help with my query: Iris Mjolnir Spawn of War

 

First 250 words here: Woooo

 

Write on!


#15 Dollophead

Dollophead

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 75 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:Yet to be had.

Posted 08 October 2018 - 09:53 PM

I think you should double-check that Wallmart up there XD

 

But great query! It's very strong now. The only thing I'd recommend is taking out your hobbies and lowering the word count. 






0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users