Hi everyone, I've really struggled writing a query--I have ten drafts of a more traditional model I can go back to. But I kind of had this idea, which is risky when writing queries I know, yet I had fun with it, and I want to try and see if I can make it work.
I know it's too long (400 words), so I need to cut some things. But I wanted to float it out there and see what you thought. I used to be a journalist, so I decided to write it like a news story--and it's possible I hung too close to the inverted pyramid style. We'll see. Any suggestions welcome.
Fairplay, PA--Local resident Ashley Quinn returned home from medical school last week after receiving news that her family had been murdered, and now she finds herself in a fight for her life. With the funeral and subsequent arrangements finalized, she indicates the murder investigation headed by local authorities has stalled, and that it is up to her to find the killer--who, she is certain, is not human.
Ashley has hired paranormal investigator James MacReady, and expanding on Ashley’s claim of the supernatural, MacReady said, “It’s a vampire. All the murdered people had holes in their necks so not rocket science. And I’m not a paranormal investigator. I’m a god damned monster killer. I don’t carry around EMF readers, cameras, or recorders. I carry a machete.”
Corroborating MacReady’s claims, Ashley says a mysterious man follows her everywhere, and this man has invaded her dreams. Outside of her dreams, he’s even approached her and introduced himself. “He says his name’s Radovan. Radovan! That’s definitely a vampire name.”
Now working exclusively with MacReady, the tandem’s investigation has led them to believe they are dealing with “a really old bloodsucker.” MacReady clarified that “old” is a problem--the older vampires are, the more powerful. When asked where he gets his information, he shrugged and said, “Google, mostly.”
The outcome of this investigation is now in question as both Ashley and MacReady have been missing for the last two days. One of the last things Ashley communicated was that, despite how afraid she was, Radovan seemed to think he was the lead in his own paranormal romance. “It’s like he thinks we’re soul mates, and that he’s super appealing,” Ashley said. “But he’s not. He’s just really creepy and acts like I owe him something.”
Sources close to Radovan indicate that perhaps in his youth he had moments of indiscretion, but that he is an upstanding vampire now. Reportedly, Radovan questions how long transgressions of the past will hound an individual. When does “sorry” start to count?
Before disappearing, Ashley said, in a decision a long time coming, her days in medical school were over. In fact, she sees her relationship with Mac as “that whole Rocky--I’ve got gaps, you’ve got gaps, together we fill gaps--kind of thing,” and that she would love to join MacReady on the road for future adventures, but as noted before, the location and health of this monster hunting duo is seriously in question.