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Fusion (High Fantasy Novel)


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#1 Koechophe

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Posted 06 October 2018 - 11:35 AM

Here are my 250, first few paragraphs of my novel. I would like any feedback you're willing to offer, particularly if the writing grabs you and how I could help it do so more. This isn't written for the purpose of standing alone, it's just the first 250 words.

 

"Jake stood in the twilight holding almost perfectly still. His arms and legs were as immovable as stone and his breathing was quick and shallow. Despite a distinct lack of training, Jake’s instincts as a hunter were phenomenal. The swordsmen in his gathering would never understand the value of stealth and patience quite like Jake did.

“Come on, Flake, there’s nothing here,” a low, grumbling voice said, piercing Jake’s concentration. Jake was tempted to reply, but his prey was much more important to him than his pride.

Taraj--the swordsman he was hunting with--looked at Jake for a response. After a few seconds, he groaned, and said, “We’re wasting time! Let’s go look somewhere else.”

Jake kept still and waited.

“A real hunter wouldn’t just stand here, waiting for the pray to come skipping on down! This is why you never get any Glory!” Jake didn’t justify Taraj’s words with a response. Jake was so accustomed to resentment that the insults passed straight through him.

Taraj growled, his voice low and menacing. “Fine! I’ll go track down the Blainta by myself. You can be a Greyling forever for all I care.” Taraj punched Jake on the shoulder and stormed off.

As soon as Taraj was out of sight, Jake grabbed his shoulder, grimacing. “Hmm. Thought that’d take longer,” he muttered. Jake knew there was no chance of catching the Blainta with a stompy, bumbling swordsman following his every move. He needed quiet to hunt."

 


#2 Dollophead

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Posted 06 October 2018 - 09:43 PM

Jake stood in the twilight holding almost perfectly still. Adverb in the first sentence!!! D: His arms and legs were as immovable as stone; and his breathing was quick and shallow. Despite a distinct lack of training, Jake’s instincts as a hunter were phenomenal. (We don't want him to sound like a Gary Stu) the swordsmen in his gathering would never understand the value of stealth and patience quite like Jake did.

 

“Come on, Flake, there’s nothing here,” a low, grumbling voice said, piercing Jake’s concentration. Jake was tempted to reply, but his prey was much more important to him than his pride. I like this last line.

 

Watch how many times you say "Jake." I think the rule is either once or twice in a paragraph (and that's at the max). 

 

Taraj--the swordsman he was hunting with-- this is a very startling interjection. Let's describe Taraj as holding a gleaming sword, well word with use, or something less blatant looked at Jake for a response. After a few seconds, he groaned, and said, “We’re wasting time! Let’s go look somewhere else.”

 

Jake kept still and waited.

 

“A real hunter wouldn’t just stand here, waiting for the pray to come skipping on down! This is why you never get any Glory!” Should "Glory" be capitalized?

 

Jake didn’t justify Taraj’s words with a response. Jake was so accustomed to resentment that the insults passed straight through himYou really don't need this last sentence. We can infer it from Jake keeping silent. 

 

Taraj growled, his voice low and menacing. “Fine! I’ll go track down the Blainta by myself. You can be a Greyling forever for all I care.” Taraj punched Jake on the shoulder and stormed off.

 

As soon as Taraj was out of sight, Jake grabbed his shoulder, grimacing. “Hmm. Thought that’d take longer,” he muttered. When a character is finished talking, start a new paragraph.

 

Jake knew there was no chance of catching the Blainta with a stompy, bumbling swordsman following his every move. He needed quiet to hunt.

 

Be wary of direct characterization!! And of too many Jakes!

High fantasy is hard to write. You built a world and magic and an entire universe! It's awesome! I think a way to make this first little bit stand out is to add a little more detail, a little more conflict, and maybe tweak the dialogue. I feel like the characters can be a little more relatable with some snappy dialogue, and also if you emphasize the conflict between Jake and Taraj a bit more. Just to better reveal some character :D






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