I'm the type that more or less re-writes people's queries to try to show them other options as to how they can frame their story, so let's dive in!
Continuing the family business, twenty-year-old Elisa has been assassin for two years, but when she was approached by her employer when she was eighteen, she knew she had to do everything he said, or put her whole family at risk.
This hook is a bit of a hot mess, there's some glaring grammatical issues here, it's pretty clunky, and it doesn't really do much to entice me. Let me take the same idea and show you some of the ways it could be portrayed that would, in my opinion, be more grabbing.
"Twenty-two year old Elisa (last name here if it exists) has two problems; she's in the business of killing people, and she's being blackmailed by a man who'll kill her family if she steps out of line."
Or better hook (but with less information).
"For twenty-two year-old Elisa, killing people used to be so simple... until her family got involved."
When her eighteen-year-old brother, Mason, enters the field, he poses a new problem. Though they only kill the lowest criminals out there, he still has crippling anxiety whenever he enters the field. On multiple occasions, Elisa has had to come to his rescue, risking her own life in the process. She knows if she doesn’t do exactly as her employer says, her whole family will be put at risk. But she is trying to hide the secret of her employer, and the fact that she is taking out targets for her brother.
This is straight telling. There's no show here, and very little dramatic tension. Assuming you used the second hook, here's how the info could be better presented:
"Elisa's trouble starts when Mason, her little brother, tries to follow in her footsteps. Crippled by his anxiety, Mason cowers and trembles during even the easiest jobs, making him more of a liability than an asset. She loves the kid, but some people just don't cut it as assassins. Elisa must also keep the true nature of her job a secret; that she's being blackmailed by a man who's holding her family hostage (don't know if that's accurate, that's what I deduce, but more specifics here would be good)."
As other assassins start hinting to her that they know her brother’s secret (what secret? His anxiety? That doesn't sound like a secret...), she starts to wonder how many people are really watching her. She knows her employer always has someone on her, but she also doesn’t know which of her assassin friends she can truly trust. As the truth comes out about her brother among her friends and family, the truth about her employer starts to surface as well. Working together gets them closer and closer to finding a killer that is a threat to the population. But Elisa must learn to trust the people that love her and fight a common enemy. When they all go on a mission together, sent by her employer, she’s unsure of which of her friends will come out alive, especially when her brother shows up unexpectedly.
this is not only extremely tell (not show) but it's also debhilitatingly vague. I read this and see a lot of generalities. The "common enemy" is someone we know nothing about. The "truth about her employer" is something that the reader can only guess at this point. There's a fine line between being secretive and just being confusing and vague. Here's a cleanup of the info in this paragraph (though more info is definitely needed to make this an effective query:
"Elisa's reputation among other assassins steadily declines with her brother's increasing failure. As Elisa desperately tries to hold both her family and her work together, a new threat arises; a psychopathic killer so prolific that he brings (name whatever city this takes place in) to its knees. Commissioned by her blackmailing employer, Elisa bands together with her deadly colleagues to eliminate the killer once and for all.
She doesn't know who she can trust. She doesn't know how to succeed. And when her brother turns up, there's a good chance he'll either die, get Elisa killed, or both."
Hope that gives you some idea of how you might phrase this a bit more economically and excitingly. Here are some things that should be in the query:
-More specifics on the emlpoyer/blackmail situation. It's just far too vague at this point
-More charactariztion about Elisa, I artificially created a bit in my recommendations, but for all intents and purposes, pretend you're writing from Elisa's voice when you do the query (but keep it in 3rd person).
-More info on the killer. he's too vague to be scary.
-More stakes. Family dying is good, but it's only suggested. Really point out why elisa must succeed, not just for herself.
My advice: Don't worry about spoiling the book. Spoiling the cool plot points is actually pretty darn necessary to write a convincing query.
I critique because I care. Good luck and happy writing!