Jump to content

Disclaimer



Photo
- - - - -

The Unsung Isle (Fantasy)

Fantasy

  • Please log in to reply
7 replies to this topic

#1 Anna_W

Anna_W

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 3 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 11 October 2018 - 11:24 PM

Thanks kindly to those who left input. A second try lurks below. Cheers!

 

When the young and hot-blooded gather, they'll pair off to do one of three things: fight, fuck, or fall in love. Mounting a resistance against oppression seems impossible under these circumstances. 

 

Rebel leader Saidan must navigate the pitfalls of human nature to free her people from the Derelynn Republic. After decades of being subjugated and spat on for their ability to wield magic, it will take more than one woman's rallying cry to mend their broken spirits. 

 

When a third nation matures into their age of sail, Saidan embarks on a journey to forge an alliance with their monarch. In pursuit of respect for her homeland, she reclaims her magic, survives the desert wasteland, hunts a deadly beast, and stifles a civil war. Empowered by her newfound station, Saidan intends to force her oppressors to bend at the knee.

 

That is, if she could just get everyone to cooperate for long enough.

 

Her lover is a sovereign willing to risk international war rather than compromise her nation's ancient traditions. Her comrade is a banished Derelynn soldier conditioned to fear magic wielders as condemned heathens. This trio agrees on only one thing: the enslavement of children under the Republic must stop. Together, they dismantle the underground market and expose the corruption rotting Derelynn's democracy to its core. 

 

Upending the Republic leaves the future ripe for the plucking. As desperate as these young leaders are for peace, their visions of the future clash. Freedom, integrity, and peace cannot coexist. They will choose between them to shape their countries’ fate. In the history books yet to be written, these decisions will distinguish the heroes from the villains.

 

I submit for your consideration THE UNSUNG ISLE, a fantasy novel of approximately 200,000 words featuring a spirited lesbian protagonist. Audiences of ELEMENTAL LOGIC will appreciate the diverse characters and settings drawing inspiration from Southern and Middle Eastern Asia in addition to familiar aspects of Western Europe. Its active prose, reflective of MISTBORN, will engage modern readers of the genre.



#2 giffordmac

giffordmac

    Veteran Member

  • Members
  • PipPipPipPipPip
  • 381 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast

Posted 12 October 2018 - 11:28 PM

Hi, Anna, I'm not that familiar with fantasy, so take the comments that make sense to you & ignore anything that doesn't.

 

I'm not sure this adds to your query, as it seems to have little or no connection to anything that follows:

 

When the young and hot-blooded gather, they'll pair off to do one of three things: fight, fuck, or fall in love. Mounting a resistance against oppression seems impossible under these circumstances.

 

 

I believe you'd be better off starting with the second paragraph. I'm also having a tough time following some of the phrases you use. For instance, "the pitfalls of human nature" are what exactly? And "When a third nation matures into their age of sail" confuses me because only one nation has been named. And I'm not sure what "age of sail" means and why it's important, especially when there's no further reference to sailing (I see a desert, an underground market, and corruption, but there's nothing that even references water.)

 

Also, since there is only one name given and two (or three?) female characters in the story, I've gotten confused about who is doing what, as your pronouns at some times seem to refer to someone other than Saidan.

 

I'm not saying dumb it down, but it will pay to be very clear about the details you're presenting. The plot points you've outlined seem to come in chronological order, but I'm at a loss about how to connect them to one another.

 

I've often read that a debut novel of more than 100,000 words is a hard one to place. There is some leeway for epic fantasy, which this seems to be, but you might want to consider splitting this into two books. I'm not saying it's impossible to place a MS this long, but I think you can expect some real resistance from an agent or publisher based solely on the word count.

 

All that being said, I think the core of the story, stopping the enslavement of children, is not only an excellent theme, but quite appropriate in our current climate. My advice is to center the query around that, explaining how the worlds and the characters come to a crisis.

 

Hope this helps. I wish you the best of luck!


“We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.” ― Elie Wiesel

 

~~~

 

 

 

 


#3 Dollophead

Dollophead

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 78 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:Yet to be had.

Posted 13 October 2018 - 05:12 PM

When the young and hot-blooded gather, they'll pair off to do one of three things: fight, fuck, I have seen some successful queries with swear words. If you use a lot of this language in your manuscript then it's a good stylistic choice for you to include it or fall in love. Mounting a resistance against oppression seems impossible under these circumstances. This last sentence is very vague. Can you tie it in more specifically to the larger plot? What oppression? What circumstances? And where are the young and hot blooded gathering? 

 

Rebel leader Saidan must navigate the [pitfalls of human nature ] this is too vague. If you're trying to tell us about one of her flaws, be more explicit to free her people from the Derelynn Republic. After decades of being subjugated and spat on for their ability to wield magic, it will take more than one woman's rallying cry to mend their broken spirits. I'm confused. Is it women who can wield magic? Or is it everybody? Does this government oppress witches? And why? It's never just because governments hate a group of people--there's always a "reason" behind it, no matter how dumb.  

 

When a third nation matures into their age of sail, How about something like, "Deciding her rebel force is in dire need of an ally, Saidan embarks on a journey to forge an alliance with their monarch. In pursuit of respect for her homeland, she reclaims her magic, survives the desert wasteland, hunts a deadly beast, and stifles a civil war. Who, the monarch or Saidan? Also, this whole sentence is plot. I think you can leave it out, if you're not going to tell us what's at stake. Empowered by her newfound station, Saidan intends to force her oppressors to bend at the knee. I'm confused about what this last sentence has to do with the paragraph about the naval nation. 

 

That is, if she could just get everyone to cooperate for long enough. I understand that this is her voice shining through, but it's not a strong enough stake. What will happen if she fails to achieve her goal? At this point, is it still obtaining an alliance with this nation?

 

Her lover is a sovereign willing to risk international war rather than compromise her nation's ancient traditions. Her comrade is a banished Derelynn soldier conditioned to fear magic wielders as condemned heathens. Maybe you can introduce and the supporting characters earlier--actually this whole paragraph could be moved to the start of the query. This trio agrees on only one thing: the enslavement of children under the Republic must stop. I think you can mention that Saidan's motivation for leading a rebellion against the republic is because of child slavery much much earlier. Maybe when you first introduce the government's "oppression" Together, they dismantle the underground market and expose the corruption rotting Derelynn's democracy to its core. 

 

Use this paragraph first ^ then do the sailing to the other nation paragraph after. 

 

Upending the Republic leaves the future ripe for the plucking. I like this sentence, but it doesn't belong here. Perhaps you can find a better placement for it in a rewrite. As desperate as these young leaders are for peace, their visions of the future clash. Freedom, integrity, and peace cannot coexist. They will choose between them to shape their countries’ fate. In the history books yet to be written, these decisions will distinguish the heroes from the villains. I like the last sentence.

 

I submit for your consideration THE UNSUNG ISLE, a fantasy novel of approximately 200,000 this is very long...if you can half it, or split it into two books, that might make it more marketable words featuring a spirited lesbian protagonist. You don't need to tell us she's a lesbian, we read that in the query Audiences of ELEMENTAL LOGIC will appreciate the diverse characters and settings drawing inspiration from Southern and Middle Eastern Asia in addition to familiar aspects of Western Europe. Its active prose, reflective of MISTBORN, will engage modern readers of the genre. Good last paragraph!

 

Queries are frustrating and we all hate them. Keep at it! 



#4 mbal

mbal

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 11 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS West Coast
  • Publishing Experience:Never been published

Posted 14 October 2018 - 05:17 PM

When the young and hot-blooded gather, they'll pair off to do one of three things: fight, fuck, or fall in love. (I personally don't think the use of the swear word here is working. I also think you need to introduce your MC right away. I would kick these two sentences and start with the second paragraph instead.) Mounting a resistance against oppression seems impossible under these circumstances. 

 

Rebel leader Saidan must navigate the pitfalls of human nature (too vague) to free her people from the Derelynn Republic. After decades of being subjugated and spat on for their ability to wield magic, it will take more than one woman's rallying cry to mend their broken spirits. I love this paragraph. 

 

When a third nation matures into their age of sail, (This first bit needs to be reworded and I wouldn't call them a third nation? Seems unnecessarily confusing) Saidan embarks on a journey to forge an alliance with their monarch. In pursuit of respect for her homeland, she reclaims her magic, survives the desert wasteland, hunts a deadly beast, and stifles a civil war. Empowered by her newfound station, Saidan intends to force her oppressors to bend at the knee.

 

That is, if she could just get everyone to cooperate for long enough.

 

Her lover is a sovereign willing to risk international war rather than compromise her nation's ancient traditions. Her comrade is a banished Derelynn soldier conditioned to fear magic wielders as condemned heathens. This trio agrees on only one thing: the enslavement of children under the Republic must stop. I might take this out, the two other characters aren't named and don't seem important to the main premise you're trying to get across. If you want to mention them, You could say with two companions, she works to dismantle the ...etc  Together, they dismantle the underground market and expose the corruption rotting Derelynn's democracy to its core. 

 

Upending the Republic leaves the future ripe for the plucking. As desperate as these young leaders are for peace, their visions of the future clash. Freedom, integrity, and peace cannot coexist. They will choose between them to shape their countries’ fate. In the history books yet to be written, these decisions will distinguish the heroes from the villains.

 

I submit for your consideration THE UNSUNG ISLE, a fantasy novel of approximately 200,000 words Woah, that is way too long featuring a spirited lesbian protagonist. Audiences of ELEMENTAL LOGIC will appreciate the diverse characters and settings drawing inspiration from Southern and Middle Eastern Asia in addition to familiar aspects of Western Europe. Its active prose, reflective of MISTBORN, will engage modern readers of the genre.



#5 happy werewolf

happy werewolf

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 4 posts
  • Literary Status:emerging, unagented
  • LocationUS Midwest
  • Publishing Experience:My short stories can be found in Every Day Fiction, Trysts of Fate, Untied Shoelaces of the Mind, Alternate Hilarities 3: Hysterical Realms, and Transformed.

    My nonfiction can be found in Bloodbond Magazine, as well as the following Chicken Soup for the Soul volumes: The Cat Did What?, The Dog Did What?, Thanks to My Mom, The Cat Really Did That?, and My Kind (of) America.

Posted 15 October 2018 - 12:50 PM

Hi Anna!

Kudos to you on having the courage to post your query (something I've not yet been brave enough to do)!

Your book sounds excellent - brimming with adventure and exploring topics that are very relevant in today's world.

I am new to querying, and no expert on adult fantasy, but I just wanted to chime in and say I agree with almost all of what giffordmac said.

I think if you simplify the language and some of the concepts, you'll have a cleaner query that is easier for a busy agent to read without having to try to decipher what you mean in a few spots.

I think you are better off cutting the first paragraph, as it is general info that doesn't tell us about your main character. You could, however, add the info from para one down into para two instead of saying "the pitfalls of human nature."

I also agree with the others that the "third nation" is confusing. Up until you mention that, it sounds like Saidan is trying to rebel against a corrupt government in her home nation, not trying to fight a neighboring country. You probably explain it perfectly in the book but in a query there's not enough space, so I'd just keep it simple.

Cutting your story down to the bare bones, this is what I understand the plot to be:

A young rebel, Saidan, is trying to rally her people to rise up against a corrupt power that is subjugating them. The Republic enslaves children and does other horrible things to Saidan's people (make sure you give specific examples so we know what they're facing).

Every time Saidan tries to get a rebellion organized, her young "troops" are more interested fighting amongst each other and/or having sex.

Frustrated, she sails to another land that is rising in power, hoping to make allies to help her win against the Republic. There, she teams up with two unlikely allies who have very different belief systems (maybe you can expand on these a touch more?).

All three of them are willing to set aside their differences to fight for a common goal: ending child slavery.

Of course, once they achieve that goal, all bets are off, and the one-time allies clash anew.

That is so totally a book I would read!!😀

If you revise, I suggest emphasis on specifically how Saidan's people are being mistreated so we know what she's fighting (especially the child slavery) and the fact that three very different people are coming together to battle a common cause. Those, to me, are the most compelling elements of your story.

There are some really gorgeous lines in here that I hope you keep, like the last sentence of para two and the one about history books yet to be written.

I feel you on the word count issue, as my books and stories always have the same problem. In my case, betas and crit partners have been invaluable in identifying where to cut side stories/extraneous characters/boring scenes, etc.

Best of luck!

Keep Writing!

~Werewolf
Blog: www.astheheroflies.wordpress.com

Twitter: @astheheroflies

#6 ScarlettLeigh

ScarlettLeigh

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 116 posts
  • Literary Status:in-between agents, industry insider
  • LocationUS Midwest

Posted 16 October 2018 - 08:09 PM

Hi Anna W!

 

When the young and hot-blooded gather, they'll pair off to do one of three things: fight, fuck, or fall in love. Mounting a resistance against oppression seems impossible under these circumstances.  I think it's hard to start queries with generalizations like "when the young and hot-blooded gather" because it isn't immediately clear what the connection is to your story. Without a sense of who the character I'm supposed to be following is, it's hard to feel grounded in the story. The next paragraph feels like a much stronger starting point.

 

Rebel leader Saidan must navigate the pitfalls of human nature to free her people from the Derelynn Republic. (what are the "pitfalls of human nature" exactly and what does navigating them look like?) After decades of being subjugated and spat on for their ability to wield magic, it will take more than one woman's rallying cry to mend their broken spirits. (This feels a bit general again. Rather than zooming out and speaking broadly about the people, a more economical use of this space might be to elaborate on how Saidan plans to accomplish her goal... what is she going to do to free her people?)

 

When a third nation matures into their age of sail, Saidan embarks on a journey to forge an alliance with their monarch. In pursuit of respect for her homeland, she reclaims her magic, (What is her magic? Would love to know more about this!) survives the desert wasteland, hunts a deadly beast, and stifles a civil war. Empowered by her newfound station, Saidan intends to force her oppressors to bend at the knee.

 

That is, if she can get everyone to cooperate for long enough (Get who to cooperate? Her people? Why would her people not cooperate? I think you're going for a punchy voice here, but as it stands, this is raising more questions than answering them for me.)

 

Her lover is a sovereign willing to risk international war rather than compromise her nation's ancient traditions. Her (Unclear whether the pronoun is referring to Saidan or her lover) comrade is a banished Derelynn soldier conditioned to fear magic wielders as condemned heathens. This trio agrees on only one thing: the enslavement of children under the Republic must stop. Together, they dismantle the underground market and expose the corruption rotting Derelynn's democracy to its core. (This paragraph is taking the story in a new direction... what happened to that initial goal of saving Saidan's people from Derelynn? If the children are the real reason she's fighting, I'd love to see this goal worked in earlier.)

 

Upending the Republic leaves the future ripe for the plucking. As desperate as these young leaders are for peace, their visions of the future clash. Freedom, integrity, and peace cannot coexist. They will choose between them to shape their countries’ fate. In the history books yet to be written, these decisions will distinguish the heroes from the villains. (These stakes feel vague, to me. Instead of speaking in generalities, be specific. How do their visions clash? What actually happens if they fail? Distinguishing between hero and villain is a common fantasy trope—and one of my favroites!—but how is your take on this unique? The more you can show how the stakes here are specific to your story and characters, the stronger your query will be!)

 

I submit for your consideration THE UNSUNG ISLE is a fantasy novel of approximately 200,000 words featuring a spirited lesbian protagonist. Audiences of ELEMENTAL LOGIC will appreciate the diverse characters and settings drawing inspiration from Southern and Middle Eastern Asia in addition to familiar aspects of Western Europe. Its active prose, reflective of MISTBORN, will engage modern readers of the genre.

 

This is a really solid start, and I love seeing all the bones of an adventurous epic fantasy present. I think what you could focus on the most is honing in the central concept. Is it a story about a rebel trying to free her people, or is it a story about a band of warrior/ sovereigns who come together to try and end the enslavement of children. Even if the story, ultimately, accomplished both things, only the main plot needs to be touched on in the query. Saidan certainly seems to be your principle protagonist, so I would consider filtering the action through her (third limited) POV. Sometimes you're in third limited, and sometimes you zoom out and start talking about the story omnisciently. The query is strongest when you're filtering it through Saidan and her voice :)

 

Hope this helps!



#7 Anna_W

Anna_W

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 3 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting
  • LocationUS West Coast

Posted 01 December 2018 - 01:25 AM

Second try. 

 

For over a decade, Saidan was enslaved for her heathen ability to wield magic. Now, she's ready to wreak hell worthy of a 'demon-spawn'.

 

Saidan is among thousands of Murajans suffering under the regime of the Derelynn Republic. She watches with grit teeth as the government turns a blind eye to discrimination, unjust sentencing, and the black-market enslavement of children. She decides to mount a resistance, before what is left of her people’s spirit disintegrates.

 

Saidan ventures across the sea to meet Sultana Tsunai, the ruler of a nation where wielders of magic are revered above all others. The desert wastelands demand that she master wielding to survive, let alone earn the respect she needs to liberate her people. Luckily, Saidan is better at casting spells than she ever was at shining shoes. Her appeal for an alliance goes over well. Maybe a little too well. Tsunai and Saidan become lovers, turning even pillow talk into arguments about foreign affairs.

 

Meanwhile, Saidan must swallow the bile in the back of her throat and tolerate the Derelynn soldier Anton. Banished into the wastelands by a corrupt senator, he has about as much business being in her periphery as a spider has swimming in a bowl of soup. Yet as outsiders stranded thousands of miles from their homelands, Saidan and Anton find themselves shoulder-to-shoulder during meals and back-to-back in battles. Saidan comes to realize her desire for freedom is evenly matched by his desire for peace. Pity the two can’t coexist.

 

Saidan, Tsunai, and Anton agree on only one thing- the enslavement of children in the Derelynn Republic must stop. Together, they launch an attack on the crux of the underground market and expose the corruption rotting the Republic's democracy to the core.

 

Upending the Derelynn Republic leaves the future ripe for the plucking. These three young leaders will shape their countries’ futures. In the history books yet to be written, their decisions will distinguish the heroes from the villains.

 

THE UNSUNG ISLE, a fantasy novel of approximately 200,000 words featuring a spirited lesbian protagonist. Audiences of ELEMENTAL LOGIC will appreciate the diverse characters and settings drawing inspiration from Southern and Middle Eastern Asia alongside familiar aspects of Western Europe. Its active prose, reflective of THE MISTBORN TRILOGY, will engage modern readers of the genre.



#8 mkuriel

mkuriel

    New Member

  • Members
  • Pip
  • 78 posts
  • Literary Status:just starting, unagented
  • LocationUS Northeast
  • Publishing Experience:I've heard that's a thing...

Posted 01 December 2018 - 11:40 AM

This is a bare-bones synopsis, not a query. The query is supposed to entice the agent/publisher to want more. They should get excited about what they read and reply with, "Send the manuscript IMMEDIATELY!"

That's what's missing.

 

Part of the trouble, is the text I highlighted orange at the end. It's far too generic. What specific decisions will entice an agent to read a book that's almost twice as long as what they're probably used to?

Another part of the trouble is that this reads like a truncated plot of the whole book. If your story follows the three-act structure, the query should--at most--encompass the first act. Some of the best queries I've read only cover the inciting incident.

 

 

Second try. 

 

For over a decade, Saidan was enslaved for her heathen ability to wield magic. Now, she's ready to wreak hell worthy of a 'demon-spawn'. (I like this opening... unfortunately, the questions raised by it aren't answered by the rest of the query. The largest one being: How do people without magic manage to enslave people who have it? Permission collars? Funny magic mushrooms? Strength in numbers? Hostages? And, if she's enslaved for her magical ability, are they making her use it or suppressing it? Because those details probably matter. The only clue given in the rest of the query is that she shined shoes.)

 

 

Saidan is among thousands of Murajans suffering under the regime of the Derelynn Republic. She watches with grit teeth as the government turns a blind eye to discrimination, unjust sentencing, and the black-market enslavement of children. She decides to mount a resistance, before what is left of her people’s spirit disintegrates. (You flip-flop passive and active with these sentences. Suggest trimming the wordiness and combining into a single sentence: She decides to mount a resistance and put an end to slavery. )(A big logic problem: your first sentence implies that it's legal, and religiously justified, for people to enslave anyone who does not follow God's laws [heathens] by using magic. Here, you're saying slavery is OK, but has to be done in the black market. Which is it?)

 

 

 

Saidan ventures across the sea to meet Sultana Tsunai, (Um... how does a fleeing slave girl manage to get the attention of a Sultana?) the ruler of a nation where wielders of magic are revered above all others. The desert wastelands (I thought she had to cross the sea? Did she land and then have to cross a desert as well? You do realize that 80% of the world's population lives within 60 miles of a coast, right?)  demand that she master wielding to survive, let alone  (odd word choice, had to reread the sentence a couple times to get why you chose them) earn the respect she needs to liberate her people. Luckily, Saidan is better at casting spells than she ever was at shining shoes. Her appeal for an alliance goes over well. Maybe a little too well. Tsunai and Saidan become lovers, turning even pillow talk into arguments about foreign affairs.

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, Saidan must swallow the bile in the back of her throat and tolerate the Derelynn soldier Anton. Banished into the wastelands by a corrupt senator, he has about as much business being in her periphery as a spider has swimming in a bowl of soup. Yet as outsiders stranded thousands of miles from their homelands, Saidan and Anton find themselves shoulder-to-shoulder during meals and back-to-back in battles. Saidan comes to realize her desire for freedom is evenly matched by his desire for peace. Pity the two can’t coexist.

 

 

 

Saidan, Tsunai, and Anton agree on only one thing- the enslavement of children in the Derelynn Republic must stop. (this implies that discrimination and unjust sentencing are OKAY!) Together, they launch an attack on the crux of the underground market (what is this? I suspect the word crux is ill-used... there's three definitions for crux and the only one that makes sense is "a main or central feature." They attack the main feature of the underground market, by which you mean child slavery... but the problem is enslaving heathen magic users is legal, so that wouldn't be an underground market; it's a legitimate one. After reading this again, it comes across as unnecessarily wordy. Suggest: They attack the Republic's slave market. ) and expose the corruption rotting the Republic's democracy to the core. (I tried to include this clause in my previous suggestion... I couldn't find a way to make it make sense. It's a country where it's OK to enslave children. What corruption is left to expose? Do they really pretend the non-muggles aren't enslaved?)

 

 

 

Upending the Derelynn Republic leaves the future ripe for the plucking. These three young leaders will shape their countries’ futures. In the history books yet to be written, their decisions will distinguish the heroes from the villains.

 

 

 

 

THE UNSUNG ISLE, a fantasy novel of approximately 200,000 words featuring a spirited lesbian protagonist. Audiences of ELEMENTAL LOGIC will appreciate the diverse characters and settings drawing inspiration from Southern and Middle Eastern Asia alongside familiar aspects of Western Europe. Its active prose, reflective of THE MISTBORN TRILOGY, will engage modern readers of the genre. (No. Just no. Your prose describes itself. Don't describe it in a query. It won't go over well: for instance, I consider most of Brandon Sanderson's prose as unnecessarily telly and info-dumpy. From my review of The Way of Kings: "All the elements of a good story told in such a way as to remove all wonder and suspense." I would never describe it as "active prose." Now, if the perfect agent for you has similar sentiments, your comps probably won't get you a form rejection. Injecting an unasked for opinions probably will. Suggest: It will appeal to audiences of Elemental Logic and the Mistborn Trilogy.)

Ok... I suggest getting back to basics.

The prose is ok: I don't have any trouble understanding anything you've written. It's a tad wordy, which probably means your manuscript is as well. The cure for wordiness is to practice writing simple sentences. Noun, verb, and a clause to express a single idea. Done.

 

I find major issues with the high-level logic the story's built around. If I'm seeing it here, I'll see it in the manuscript. Now, it could be that I'm reading too much into your word choice. This is why every word matters. 

 

A few other basics: 

--You use a lot of proper nouns. Three specific protagonists, two countries, and the antagonist, which is a government. A reason why most queries only cover the first act or inciting incident is to reduce the number of unfamiliar nouns. Two are expected: protagonist and antagonist. 

--You only need to answer the basic questions: Who is the MC? What does she want? What's in her way? What bad thing will happen if she gets what she wants? What worse thing will happen if she doesn't? Buried in your responses should also be: why is she a character worth reading about? or, why is she the only one who can move this plot?

--Clear, concrete sentences are your friend. Vagueness is not.

 

I could go on, but I saved the best for last: don't leap to fix anything I've suggested. Give yourself space from this revision, and use the 'free time' to read queries on query shark. Aim for at least 100, or read the whole archives if you're that industrious. Then come back here, see what people have said about your query, and decide what revisions you need.

 

Good luck!

 

-Kuriel







Also tagged with one or more of these keywords: Fantasy

0 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 0 guests, 0 anonymous users