Hi Anna W!
When the young and hot-blooded gather, they'll pair off to do one of three things: fight, fuck, or fall in love. Mounting a resistance against oppression seems impossible under these circumstances. I think it's hard to start queries with generalizations like "when the young and hot-blooded gather" because it isn't immediately clear what the connection is to your story. Without a sense of who the character I'm supposed to be following is, it's hard to feel grounded in the story. The next paragraph feels like a much stronger starting point.
Rebel leader Saidan must navigate the pitfalls of human nature to free her people from the Derelynn Republic. (what are the "pitfalls of human nature" exactly and what does navigating them look like?) After decades of being subjugated and spat on for their ability to wield magic, it will take more than one woman's rallying cry to mend their broken spirits. (This feels a bit general again. Rather than zooming out and speaking broadly about the people, a more economical use of this space might be to elaborate on how Saidan plans to accomplish her goal... what is she going to do to free her people?)
When a third nation matures into their age of sail, Saidan embarks on a journey to forge an alliance with their monarch. In pursuit of respect for her homeland, she reclaims her magic, (What is her magic? Would love to know more about this!) survives the desert wasteland, hunts a deadly beast, and stifles a civil war. Empowered by her newfound station, Saidan intends to force her oppressors to bend at the knee.
That is, if she can get everyone to cooperate
for long enough. (Get who to cooperate? Her people? Why would her people not cooperate? I think you're going for a punchy voice here, but as it stands, this is raising more questions than answering them for me.)
Her lover is a sovereign willing to risk international war rather than compromise her nation's ancient traditions. Her (Unclear whether the pronoun is referring to Saidan or her lover) comrade is a banished Derelynn soldier conditioned to fear magic wielders as condemned heathens. This trio agrees on only one thing: the enslavement of children under the Republic must stop. Together, they dismantle the underground market and expose the corruption rotting Derelynn's democracy to its core. (This paragraph is taking the story in a new direction... what happened to that initial goal of saving Saidan's people from Derelynn? If the children are the real reason she's fighting, I'd love to see this goal worked in earlier.)
Upending the Republic leaves the future ripe for the plucking. As desperate as these young leaders are for peace, their visions of the future clash. Freedom, integrity, and peace cannot coexist. They will choose between them to shape their countries’ fate. In the history books yet to be written, these decisions will distinguish the heroes from the villains. (These stakes feel vague, to me. Instead of speaking in generalities, be specific. How do their visions clash? What actually happens if they fail? Distinguishing between hero and villain is a common fantasy trope—and one of my favroites!—but how is your take on this unique? The more you can show how the stakes here are specific to your story and characters, the stronger your query will be!)
I submit for your consideration THE UNSUNG ISLE is a fantasy novel of approximately 200,000 words featuring a spirited lesbian protagonist. Audiences of ELEMENTAL LOGIC will appreciate the diverse characters and settings drawing inspiration from Southern and Middle Eastern Asia in addition to familiar aspects of Western Europe. Its active prose, reflective of MISTBORN, will engage modern readers of the genre.
This is a really solid start, and I love seeing all the bones of an adventurous epic fantasy present. I think what you could focus on the most is honing in the central concept. Is it a story about a rebel trying to free her people, or is it a story about a band of warrior/ sovereigns who come together to try and end the enslavement of children. Even if the story, ultimately, accomplished both things, only the main plot needs to be touched on in the query. Saidan certainly seems to be your principle protagonist, so I would consider filtering the action through her (third limited) POV. Sometimes you're in third limited, and sometimes you zoom out and start talking about the story omnisciently. The query is strongest when you're filtering it through Saidan and her voice :)
Hope this helps!