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OUT - YA Contemporary


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#1 efowler

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Posted 21 October 2018 - 04:20 PM

Hey all! I'm starting to query a new project, and would like feedback on the query I wrote. Any feedback is appreciated, and I'll return the favor :)

This is very bare-bones, and I'm ready to start editing and revising. Right now, what sticks out, is the last sentence...

 

 

QUERY 1

 

Louisa Carter outed seventeen-year-old Pierce Young at the last school pep rally.

 

He hated her for it, but he never wanted her to die. Which was exactly what she did. One week later. In car crash.

 

By the time Pierce heard the news, he didn’t care. He had already found Mason Reyes, the other secret-gay in Little Tilgive High School, who left a note in his locker and stole Pierce’s heart mid-beat.

 

Then the two skipped their finals and went off to live gayly ever after, right?

 

Wrong.

 

Louisa-incarnate appeared to Pierce in his bedroom later that night, saying Pierce had to forgive her before she could move on.

 

What started as a simple, high school, first-love moosh fest turns into a journey across time and death, where Pierce must confront his own insecurities and fight to forgive Louisa. Or else… Louisa would keep bothering him.

 

OUT is a quirky contemporary young adult novel, complete at 57,000 words.

 



#2 WV Girl

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Posted 21 October 2018 - 05:59 PM

Posted Today, 05:20 PM

Hey all! I'm starting to query a new project, and would like feedback on the query I wrote. Any feedback is appreciated, and I'll return the favor :)

This is very bare-bones, and I'm ready to start editing and revising. Right now, what sticks out, is the last sentence...

 

 

QUERY 1

 

Louisa Carter outed seventeen-year-old Pierce Young at the last school pep rally.

 

He hated her for it, but he never wanted her to die. Which was exactly what she did. One week later. In car crash.

 

By the time Pierce heard the news, he didn’t care. He had already found Mason Reyes, the other secret-gay in Little Tilgive High School, who left a note in his locker and stole Pierce’s heart mid-beat.

 

Then the two skipped their finals and went off to live gayly ever after, right?

 

Wrong.

 

Louisa-incarnate appeared to Pierce in his bedroom later that night, saying Pierce had to forgive her before she could move on.

 

What started as a simple, high school, first-love moosh fest turns into a journey across time and death, where Pierce must confront his own insecurities and fight to forgive Louisa. Or else… Louisa would keep bothering him. he had no hope for another love.

 

OUT is a quirky contemporary young adult novel, complete at 57,000 words.

 

I'm new to critiquing others queries, so bear with me.  I really like what you wrote and want to read it. It sounds like a fun write.


#3 Koechophe

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Posted 21 October 2018 - 06:01 PM

Louisa Carter outed (This is a bit too vague. It is usually to do with homosexuality, but could mean any number of things. Consider rewording.) seventeen-year-old Pierce Young at the last school pep rally.

 

 

He hated her for it, but he never wanted her to die. Which was exactly what she did. One week later. In car crash. (the last three sentences are honestly just too choppy. I think the flow would be better as "which is exactly what she did, in a car crash one week later".)

 

By the time Pierce heard the news, he didn’t care. He had already found Mason Reyes, the other secret-gay in Little Tilgive High School, who left a note in his locker and stole Pierce’s heart mid-beat.

 

Then the two skipped their finals and went off to live gayly ever after, right? (I have read from several agents that questions in queries are always a bad idea. Consider reworking, this isn't any info, it's just voice). 

 

Wrong.

 

Louisa-incarnate ("incarnate" is really vague and doesn't give me any image. Ghost, spirit, aparation, etc, would all work better if they apply) appeared to Pierce in his bedroom later that night, saying Pierce had to forgive her before she could move on.

 

What started as a simple, high school, first-love moosh fest turns into a journey across time and death, where Pierce must confront his own insecurities and fight to forgive Louisa. Or else… Louisa would keep bothering him. The first sentence here is great, but the last sentence just seems so anticlimatic. I can tell the sarcastic tone you're going for, but it isn't really working for me. 

 

OUT is a quirky contemporary young adult novel, complete at 57,000 words. 

 

I like a lot of things about this query and think it's a very easily publishable book. The thing I don't like is that the voice is extremely choppy, it doesn't quite give the humor you're going for. I'd recommend just a little more info too, it's pretty bare at the moment, though maybe you don't really need any more. Hope this helps, good luck!

 

-I critique because I care. 



#4 RosieSkye

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Posted 21 October 2018 - 08:52 PM

Hey all! I'm starting to query a new project, and would like feedback on the query I wrote. Any feedback is appreciated, and I'll return the favor :)

This is very bare-bones, and I'm ready to start editing and revising. Right now, what sticks out, is the last sentence...

 

 

QUERY 1

 

Louisa Carter outed seventeen-year-old Pierce Young at the last school pep rally.

 

He hated her for it, but he never wanted her to die. Which was exactly what she did. One week later. In car crash.

 

By the time Pierce heard the news, he didn’t care. He had already found Mason Reyes, the other secret-gay in Little Tilgive High School, who left a note in his locker and stole Pierce’s heart mid-beat.

 

Then the two skipped their finals and went off to live gayly ever after, right?

 

Wrong.

 

Louisa-incarnate appeared to Pierce in his bedroom later that night, saying Pierce had to forgive her before she could move on.  (This is where your story starts, and where your query should start.)

 

What started as a simple, high school, first-love moosh fest turns into a journey across time and death, where Pierce must confront his own insecurities and fight to forgive Louisa. Or else… Louisa would keep bothering him.  (This is your story, and what should be the bulk of your query.  What is this journey across time and death?  You need far more detail here.)

 

OUT is a quirky contemporary young adult novel, complete at 57,000 words.

 

 

I feel like most of what's here can be summed up as: "Pierce Young was outed at the last school pep rally by Louisa Carter (start with Pierce, not Louisa.)  Then Louisa died, then she appeared to him, etc."  Is it important for the rest of your story that Pierce has a new boyfriend?  I'd cut Mason unless he's an essential character.  As I said above, your real story seems to be glossed over in a sentence, while most of your query is just setup.

 

Good luck!






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