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PUREST INTENTIONS (Fantasy) [Revised]

Fantasy New Adult Fiction

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#1 Walker_Lee

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Posted 23 October 2018 - 01:49 AM

-Second Draft | Edited: 10-23-18 -
 

Author Note: Based on the comments we've received so far, we've constructed a second draft here for revision! We are still struggling with finding a good balance between show and tell and would appreciate any advice on how to do so. A huge thank you to everyone who's given advice and pointers so far, it's all been a huge help so far!

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
 

 

 

Dear ___________,

 

Writing as Runaja Walker and Samantha Lee, we are a co-writing pair seeking representation for our Adult Fantasy novel, PUREST INTENTIONS. [We plan to later insert something personal to specific agents here].


Ellie is a solo adventurer, a half-elf with no true home or place she belongs. Allelujah is a shepherd boy, bearing a plaguing magic he was never meant to have. The pair encounter each other purely by chance during the Hallow’s Eve festival in a passerby city. A natural friendship easily forms between them, especially when Allelujah heals Ellie of a poison spiked wine with his foreign gift.


She seeks to repay him, offering him an adventure he’s never had before. Upon his acceptance, she discovers the true nature of his magic and that it’s slowly killing him. This freeing offer of adventure would be his first and last chance to see the world. Unwilling to lose this new blossoming companionship, Ellie takes it upon herself to find an impossible cure that has never before existed.


They travel across the continent, from the eastern human kingdom of  Brynith to Asellion, the north-western capital of the elven provinces. Each day, Allelujah’s mind and body decays further as his magic induced attacks increases, coming more often and more severely. Their path is paved with bandits, bounty hunters, a pair of fleeing kingdom heirs, various forms of magic, and new found friends and lovers who join to aid them.


Just when all seems lost, lives hanging in the balance, a journey at waste, tales of dark magic draws them to the immortal elf Corentine. While she has answers, the price might be their very souls.


We have been writing together since 2012, and are continuing work and degrees in entertainment. Our own individual styles come together in our piece, alternating characters as we write in real time, paragraph by paragraph.


PUREST INTENTIONS is complete at 180k words and the manuscript is available in part or full. Thank you for your time and consideration!


Sincerely,


Runaja Walker and Samantha Lee


Samantha Lee and Runaja Walker

Co-writers


#2 BCVail

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Posted 23 October 2018 - 06:59 AM

We are currently seeking representation for our Adult Fantasy novel, PUREST INTENTIONS. Given your interesting in epic quests and novels such as Throne of Glass, we think you would be a good fit. (specific to whatever agent we're querying)


When Ellie, a half-elf adventurer, meets Allelujah, a human bearing nature magic, they become quick lifelong friends (These descriptions of them are very fantasy generic. Is there something that makes them stand out in the world of fantasy, and thus the query such pile?) . Until Ellie learns that the man who saved her life doesn’t have much longer to live (This is pretty vague, a hint of specifics here may solidify it.). And there’s no cure when magic is the culprit (If this is implying Allelujah is in part responsible for this guy dying, then you may be better directly stating this conflict between Ellie and Allelujah).


An impossible hunt. A journey across the continent. A ticking clock. With the stakes ahead of them, Ellie can’t resist fighting the odds. Allelujah isn’t so sure. Setting out towards the elven capital of Asellion, a road of bandits and magic paves the way. Along the way, friends and lovers join to aid them (This all seems like a bunch of flashy words, but they don't tell us what the story is about. Are they on a quest to save this mans life? If they do so is that risking Allelujah's magic and her life? What, specifically, are the stakes?).


Day by day, Allelujah only grows weaker, plagued with magically induced attacks (Who is attacking her? Why? I thought the man was the one in danger of dying?). When all seems lost, tales of dark magic draws them to the immortal elf, Corentine. While she has answers, the price might be their very souls (I like this bit.).


We have been writing together since 2012, and are continuing work and degrees in entertainment. Our own individual styles come together when we write, alternating characters as we write in real time, paragraph by paragraph.


PUREST INTENTIONS is complete at 179,860 words (That is a HUGE word count for a debut novel. Not impossible but you will have an uphill battle) and the manuscript is available in part or full. Thank you for your time and consideration!


Sincerely,


Runaja Walker and Samantha Lee

 

I think the big this with the query is I don't fully understand what this story is about. What are the stakes? Who is the antagonist? What are the goals for the girls (are they the same or do they have different, conflicting goals)? How do they get what they want (I am assuming something about a journey toward the capital but what there do they seek)? This is a good start for a first attempt, and with some clarifications I think this will start to come together before you know it :)

 

 

 

If you have the time, I'd appreciate another set of eyes on my query for The Sleeping and the Dead.



#3 ScarlettLeigh

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Posted 23 October 2018 - 11:47 AM

Hi Runaja and Samantha!

 

First off, I love your character names :)

 

When Ellie, a half-elf adventurer, meets Allelujah, a human bearing nature magic, they become quick lifelong friends. Until Ellie learns that the man who saved her life doesn’t have much longer to live. And there’s no cure when magic is the culprit. The friendship between Elli and Allelujah is a potential hook for me, as I'd love to see more epic fantasy with strong female friendships at their core. The way the first sentence is worded though, it isn't quite grabbing me as much as I think it could. I would if you could expand on the characters and history between them for your first paragraph, the in the second paragraph—the conflict—move to your "until Ellie learns..."

 

An impossible hunt. A journey across the continent. A ticking clock. With the stakes ahead of them, Ellie can’t resist fighting the odds. Allelujah isn’t so sure. Setting out towards the elven capital of Asellion, a road of bandits and magic paves the way. Along the way, friends and lovers join to aid them. I'm not really learning what the story is about here. What continent? What ticking clock? What stakes ahead of them? Don't tell me these things, show them to me. Piggy-backing off of what I mentioned above, perhaps start this paragraph with your inciting incident—Ellie learning about the man who saved her life—and show how that incident leads to the characters forming their goals that set them off on their quest.

 

Day by day, Allelujah only grows weaker, plagued with magically induced attacks. Wait. Is Allelujah the guy from the first paragraph? I totally thought Allelujah was a girl :p I didn't make the connection that guy who saved her life = Allelujah. I would definitely expand upon this in the first paragraph and make this connection clear. When all seems lost, tales of dark magic draws them to the immortal elf, Corentine. While she has answers, the price might be their very souls.

 

We have been writing together since 2012, and are continuing work and degrees in entertainment. Our own individual styles come together when we write, alternating characters as we write in real time, paragraph by paragraph.

PUREST INTENTIONS is complete at 180k words and the manuscript is available in part or full. Thank you for your time and consideration!  For queries, always round your word count to the nearest thousand. As BCVail mentioned above, 180k is a challenging length for a debut. Epic fantasy is certainly where you'll find the higher word counts, but the closer you can cut your word count down to 120-150k the more the market will open up to you.

 

Really cool idea here, and I can feel the depth of the relationship between your two characters. I love that it's a story about a friendship and you're writing it as a team :)

 

If you get the chance to check out my query I'm BY VIRTUE FALL. All best!



#4 Walker_Lee

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Posted 23 October 2018 - 12:59 PM

If you have the time, I'd appreciate another set of eyes on my query for The Sleeping and the Dead.

 

Hi BCVail,

 

Thank you so much for your feedback. We can really see that it's vague especially since Allelujah is a man (whoops). We'll get back with our updates and keep trying to knock that word count down a bit.


Samantha Lee and Runaja Walker

Co-writers


#5 Walker_Lee

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Posted 23 October 2018 - 01:01 PM

Hi Runaja and Samantha!

 

First off, I love your character names :)

 

When Ellie, a half-elf adventurer, meets Allelujah, a human bearing nature magic, they become quick lifelong friends. Until Ellie learns that the man who saved her life doesn’t have much longer to live. And there’s no cure when magic is the culprit. The friendship between Elli and Allelujah is a potential hook for me, as I'd love to see more epic fantasy with strong female friendships at their core. The way the first sentence is worded though, it isn't quite grabbing me as much as I think it could. I would if you could expand on the characters and history between them for your first paragraph, the in the second paragraph—the conflict—move to your "until Ellie learns..."

 

An impossible hunt. A journey across the continent. A ticking clock. With the stakes ahead of them, Ellie can’t resist fighting the odds. Allelujah isn’t so sure. Setting out towards the elven capital of Asellion, a road of bandits and magic paves the way. Along the way, friends and lovers join to aid them. I'm not really learning what the story is about here. What continent? What ticking clock? What stakes ahead of them? Don't tell me these things, show them to me. Piggy-backing off of what I mentioned above, perhaps start this paragraph with your inciting incident—Ellie learning about the man who saved her life—and show how that incident leads to the characters forming their goals that set them off on their quest.

 

Day by day, Allelujah only grows weaker, plagued with magically induced attacks. Wait. Is Allelujah the guy from the first paragraph? I totally thought Allelujah was a girl :p I didn't make the connection that guy who saved her life = Allelujah. I would definitely expand upon this in the first paragraph and make this connection clear. When all seems lost, tales of dark magic draws them to the immortal elf, Corentine. While she has answers, the price might be their very souls.

 

We have been writing together since 2012, and are continuing work and degrees in entertainment. Our own individual styles come together when we write, alternating characters as we write in real time, paragraph by paragraph.

PUREST INTENTIONS is complete at 180k words and the manuscript is available in part or full. Thank you for your time and consideration!  For queries, always round your word count to the nearest thousand. As BCVail mentioned above, 180k is a challenging length for a debut. Epic fantasy is certainly where you'll find the higher word counts, but the closer you can cut your word count down to 120-150k the more the market will open up to you.

 

Really cool idea here, and I can feel the depth of the relationship between your two characters. I love that it's a story about a friendship and you're writing it as a team :)

 

If you get the chance to check out my query I'm BY VIRTUE FALL. All best!

Hi ScarlettLeigh,

 

Yeah definitely looks like we have a problem with being too vague, and we're glad we got other eyes on it. We'll try and cut that word count as we're still working through another round of editing. Thanks for your feedback!


Samantha Lee and Runaja Walker

Co-writers






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